


My Tears Ricochet

by changenotcoins



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Anger, Angst, Cheating, Dark, Dark Ben, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Mean Ben, Slow Burn, Smut, affair, alcohol use, dark themes, pill use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:01:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 100,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25964026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changenotcoins/pseuds/changenotcoins
Summary: Leslie Knope is about to get married, and she couldn't be happier. But a name from her past threatens to ruin everything: Ben Wyatt. She must seek him out in order to get his help to clean up their mess, but Ben is now a broken shell of a man, no longer the man Leslie knew. Can she save him from himself?
Relationships: Leslie Knope/Ben Wyatt
Comments: 182
Kudos: 88





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to feature a darker side of Ben, so if that's not your thing, I suggest not reading this. He's not cute and cuddly and dorky, and designed that way on purpose for this fic. Eventual smut and dark/sensitive themes, so I went with a higher rating that's subject to change. Enjoy!

The city of Pawnee was currently in its annual transition between spring and summer that occurred during the last days of April. The temperatures were getting warmer and most of the snow had melted from the long winter they'd had, something Leslie Knope was incredibly grateful for. She really loved winter, she did, but she would now rather admire it from inside ever since she had slipped on the ice at the rink during her campaign rally event.

She was five minutes late now, but she could usually count on Ann to be even later for their weekly brunch date.

It was a little tradition they had started after Ann had married Chris. Best friends since the infamous meeting about the pit, Leslie and Ann both knew that her marriage to Chris wouldn’t stop them from regularly getting together. Ann was still the best nurse on the planet, and Leslie was both Director of the Parks and Recreation Department and a city councilwoman, both living their dream lives. They had become busier and busier, adding relationships and marriages and fiancés and responsibilities that life always brought. They finally decided to set a fixed day every week, where they would have brunch together and catch up on what had been going on in their lives. The Saturday Brunch, as they liked to call it, had survived work obligations and Ann's wedding and even her newlywed stage. It was also an excuse to relax and vent out their week's frustration over waffles. Of course there were always waffles. 

Leslie walked into JJ’s Diner where Marta took her to their regular table and served her a coffee with twelve sugars and one cream. Leslie quickly checked her emails while she waited. Even though she knew she should relax more during the weekend, it was difficult to stay disconnected from the office. She was Leslie Knope, after all. Work never stopped. And not every email she received was related to work, she justified, as she opened one from her wedding planner. A work friend of Ann’s who had gotten married the previous year and swore she was the very best when it came to choosing the perfect wedding cake, and Leslie Knope couldn't have anything less than perfection on her wedding day.

Her _wedding_. The thought of her wedding still sent a thrill down her spine. She glanced at her engagement ring, a rather delicate white gold band with a little diamond perched on top, and resisted the urge to squeal like a thirteen-year-old girl. 

She and Dave had picked right back up where they left off when he moved back to Pawnee, telling her that the job in San Diego hadn’t worked out and that he was still in love with her. She was in the midst of her campaign, but they wanted to make it work. Two years later, they were engaged. 

Leslie had arrived home after a really long day at the office one night, to find her boyfriend cooking her favorite dinner in the kitchen. Well, favorite breakfast for dinner item – waffles with a whole can of whipped cream on top. There were rose petals everywhere and fine wine, and he had simply gotten down on one knee after the dishes were cleared, kissed Leslie's knuckles and asked. And Leslie had said yes.

She really couldn't be happier. She had a wonderful man whom she loved and that loved her back, she had an impressive career at her age, and an even more promising future, and she lived in the best city on the planet, surrounded by the people she loved. Leslie Knope had it all.

She caught sight of Ann pushing her organic baby stroller into the restaurant and Leslie grinned when she saw that it wasn’t just Ann this time, but Oliver too.

"Hey Leslie," Ann said happily, parking the stroller next to the table and giving her a hug. "I hope we didn't keep you waiting long."

"Oh, you know you did. I almost ordered waffles for myself already." Leslie said with a chuckle. "But you wouldn't be Ann if you arrived on time. Now let me say hello to my most handsome nephew."

"He fell asleep on the way here," Ann explained as Leslie leaned over the carriage to coo at the sleeping baby. "He'll wake up soon though, probably when he realizes we are going to eat."

"What will it be today? Something healthy to appease Chris or something else, something more Ann like?" Leslie replied teasingly to the sleeping infant, as she took her seat again. "How's Chris, by the way? I haven't talked to him much this week. I’ve been mostly on the fairway chasing after the raccoons again, so I wasn’t in the office much."

"He's fine. He stayed home and is running a 5k, I think," Ann smiled as she leaned back in her chair comfortably. "I would've left Oliver with him so that he could run with him in the stroller, but I thought it would be nice for you to see him."

Leslie preened at her gratefully. They ordered their brunch and chatted about Oliver's latest doctor's checkup until the food was on the table. Since Ann had become a mother, she glowed even more radiantly than she had before. She was so happy and bright, obviously satisfied with how life had played out for her. They both had done very well. The people they were a few years ago would be very proud.

"So, how's Dave?" Ann asked as she took a bite of her oatmeal.

"He's great," Leslie replied, unable to hide her smile. "He's just working today. You know how it is, the Chief of Police is always working."

"You look particularly happy and relaxed today. Not spinning out with the next new project, like you normally do." Ann pointed out.

"Well, that tends to happen when your fiancé wakes you up with sex," Leslie said, laughing playfully when Ann threw her napkin at her. "I don't know, I'm just… happy. I guess I have plenty of reasons to be happy lately. When I look at my life right now, it feels pretty perfect."

"Are we going to work on my maid of honor dress any time soon? I'm dying to see what you have designed for me," Ann commented excitedly.

"It's almost ready," Leslie beamed. "And so is my wedding dress. They only need finishing touches."

"God, I can't believe you're finally getting married. It's going to be the wedding of the century," Ann clapped her hands together. "I should probably start organizing your bachelorette party…"

"Please, whatever you do, don't hire any strippers," Leslie begged immediately. "They're so tacky. _Not_ even if it’s a stripper that’s based off of some political historical figure, even though I’ve had a sex dream like that a time or two – no, Ann, let's just have one of our classic sleepovers and eat waffles."

"Well, we'll see…" Ann whispered mischievously.

Ann picked up Oliver to soothe him when he woke up half way through their brunch. He was a chubby, adorable six-month-old baby who looked a lot like his father, including the big and bright blue eyes that Leslie knew he had inherited from his father.

"Oh, give him to me, I want to cuddle him," Leslie demanded, making grabby hands until Ann passed the baby over. "Hi, little buddy! Come to your Aunt Leslie!"

Oliver grinned up at her and started playing with her engagement ring while Leslie bounced him up and down on her knee.

"Have you and Dave talked about when you might want to have babies of your own?" Ann asked with a calm smile, as she watched aunt and nephew playing.

Leslie startled and looked at her with wide eyes. "What? Of course not. Let's get the wedding over first."

Ann frowned, her smile disappearing almost instantly. "Leslie… you're in your late thirties. And Dave is older than you. What's going on? You've always wanted kids, why do you look so doubtful about it now?"

Leslie scoffed. "I'm not! I just… people change, Ann. Maybe I don't want kids anymore."

Ann crossed her arms over her chest. "You could barely stop talking about it when you were dating Ben–"

"Like I said," Leslie interrupted, raising her voice enough to cut her off. The mention of his name made her backpedal, an odd feeling churning in her stomach. "People change. Everything changes, Ann. You can't blame me for having different dreams now. I was a different person back then."

Ann knew Leslie well enough to recognize when she was putting her off. There were certain things Leslie didn't like to talk about anymore, and Ann knew she had good reasons for that. Leslie had spent years completely emotionally devastated after what had happened and now she was finally happy again with Dave. Ann couldn't blame Leslie for wanting to put the past behind her and focus instead on her future.

"You guys should come to have dinner with us sometime this week," Ann suggested, trying to move on from any awkwardness that still hung in the air. "I have a new recipe I'm dying to try…"

Ann went on and on about the recipe book she had gotten the previous week, some vegan cookbook that she knew Chris liked. Leslie listened politely and made suggestions, while observing that Oliver was getting bored with bouncing on her knee. She grabbed one of his toys from the stroller and distracted him with it while he continued to talk to his mother. Soon he would get too impatient and fussy and they would have to end their brunch.

They parted ways outside the diner with a fond kiss on the cheek and a hug. Ann lived in Eagleton – something Leslie _still_ couldn’t forgive her for - so she would walk back home, but Leslie wanted to pick up a snack for Dave, who was always starved after a long shift at work, so she took the opposite direction, toward a fantastic bakery where they had all sorts of different baked goods that were to die for. She also wanted to browse a shop a few streets down that had the largest selection of wedding magazines. There were so many details to think about when it came to a wedding, and Leslie hadn't even been aware of the most recent trends when she had helped put together Ann's wedding. So many trends to follow, so many clichés to avoid. And a Leslie Knope wedding would be nothing short of perfect.

\-------------------

Leslie slipped her free hand into her pocket and wrapped her other arm around Dave's, moving closer to her fiancé. Even though the days were becoming warmer, there was still a vestige of winter's chill at night, and she welcomed the warmth that Dave provided.

"I think I liked the last one best," Dave commented as they started walking back home. "We should order five cases of it for the wedding."

Leslie hummed in agreement, pleasantly buzzed after a lovely night at a wine tasting, sponsored by one of Snerling’s top wineries. Even though most of their dates included tasting food and beverages for the wedding lately, she still appreciated spending a night out with Dave. They had both been buried in work the past few weeks and the added stress of putting together a wedding didn't really give them much free time to spend together and just have fun.

"I loved that sweet white one, what was it called? It had a really long name," Leslie muttered thoughtfully. "The sweetest one is my favorite. It would go wonderfully with the cake. We need to order a lot of the sweet ones.” 

"Those were really expensive wines, Leslie. Are you sure you want to spend so much money on beverages?" 

Leslie shrugged. "How many weddings do you think I'll get to have? I just want it to be the best wedding ever."

"Anything for my queen," Dave kissed the top of her head. "What's on the to-do list for this week?"

"We have to go see the sample cakes and make a decision about decorating it," Leslie said, immediately going into Leslie Knope business mode. "We have to try on our outfits, and I need to send my Mom's to her, so she can try hers on too. I've already arranged a date for Wednesday evening so I can see how it looks on her. Oh! The napkins. Do you want them to be shaped like roses or swans? Swans are a little cliché, but roses are classy."

"What's the point then, of even considering the other option? You can never go wrong with roses." 

"You're right! See? This is why I'm marrying you!" Leslie smiled as she leaned in to kiss him. "Oh! And we need to get the marriage license this week. It'll just get crazier if we wait any longer and then if we forget, everything will be a disaster."

"Why don't we go during your lunch break on Thursday? I don't have anything scheduled then," Dave said as they stopped to wait for a red light at a corner.

"Perfect." Leslie sighed. "Wow, this is really happening."

"Of course it is," Dave wrapped his arm around her to pull her closer. "And I can't wait to call you my wife, Leslie Knope."

Every now and then, particularly when Dave said those sweet things, Leslie had the sudden urge to start dancing, regardless of where she was. She just wanted to twirl around a little, skip a bit, with her arms raised above her head. There was nothing wrong with a grown woman showing the world how happy she was, right? But she managed to stop herself. She simply pressed one more kiss to Dave's lips and then they crossed the street together.

\-------------------

On Thursday, Leslie received a text message from Dave five minutes before they were supposed to meet, informing her that he was already waiting on the third floor for her. Leslie finished writing the email she was working on and quickly sent it, before grabbing her bag. As she was leaving the office, her assistant followed her down the hall.

"Leslie! Should I order your lunch?" Andy asked, notepad in hand and ready to write down whatever she wanted.

"Not today, Andy," she replied as she arrived to the elevator and pressed the button. "I’m meeting Dave upstairs because we have wedding stuff to do. We’re getting our marriage license today. I may take a long lunch break, but I'll be back for the meeting at three."

"Okay. Good luck! I think that’s where Kyle works, but I’m not sure.”

“Call me on my cell if something urgent happens. Otherwise, just write down any messages and I'll take care of it when I'm back!" Leslie exclaimed, as the elevator doors closed before her, just catching Andy nodding before he turned on his heels to go back to his desk.

“You got it, boss!”

Dave was standing to a side, so he wouldn't be in the way of any hurried workers on this floor, typing something on his phone. Leslie went up to him and Dave smiled and kissed her lips quickly. He put his phone back in his pocket and offered his hand to Leslie.

"Are you ready for this?"

Leslie grinned at him. "I am _so_ ready."

Leslie double checked one more time that she had everything – birth certificate, passport, social security card, even her driver's license. See urged Dave to do the same as they took a number and waited for their turn, and her fiancé did so with a fond roll of his eyes. He had learned not to argue with Leslie when it came to anything related to the wedding, or anything in general. She was a force to be reckoned with and he was too agreeable to say or do anything else.

The lady behind the desk finally called them up, so they approached. Leslie smiled at her. "Hi. We'd like to apply for a marriage license, please."

The woman smiled back. "Sure thing, Ms. Knope. Read over the form, fill it out and check that you have all the required papers, okay?"

Leslie meticulously filled the application and handed her the papers they had brought and she went through them carefully, asking Dave how long he had been living in Pawnee again, while she read over the rest. She seemed to be an unusually kind woman, who apparently enjoyed working with people who were planning their big day, unlike one Ethel Beavers, who Leslie knew would be hating this exact scenario right now.

"It seems everything is in order," she said after she was done. She turned to her computer. "Let's start with Mr. Dave Sanderson, then." She entered his data, occasionally asking him a question when she needed extra information. When she was done, she turned to Leslie. "Now you. Leslie Knope. That's with a K, right?"

"That's correct," Leslie nodded politely.

"When's the big day?" 

"May 15th," Leslie replied, unable to keep her smile at bay. She bounced a little on her heels and Dave affectionately circled her waist with his arm.

"I bet you're excited..." The woman paused and stared at her screen, looking baffled. She deleted what she had just typed and tried entering it again, more slowly, but kept frowning. "Have you ever been married before, Leslie?" She asked, as she went through the papers Leslie had brought again, as if looking for something.

Leslie's eyebrows went all the way up to her hairline in surprise. "No. Why do you ask?"

"There must be some sort of mistake…" She went back to the computer, clicked a bit, typed some more. Leslie was starting to get impatient; what could possibly go wrong? "Leslie, according to your information here… I can't give you a marriage license today."

"What?" Leslie screeched, her voice achieving painful intensity. "What do you mean you can't give me a marriage license? Why not?"

"Because it says in my system that you're already married," she explained cautiously, glancing alternately at Leslie and Dave and then back again.

"This is ridiculous. Please, check again. I've never been married before! I've never even been engaged before!" Leslie was starting to despair. She turned to Dave, wild desperation in her eyes. "I don't get it."

"Uh, could you please check one more time? Something has to be wrong with your computer," Dave requested politely.

The woman nodded and complied, making sure she was extra careful when typing everything back in. As soon as she was done, though, she shook her head. "Sorry, Leslie. It says here that the Leslie Knope with this social security number is married. You will have to get a divorce before you - "

"How can I get a divorce if I'm not even married?" Leslie's voice went higher and shriller the more anxious she got. This was a disaster. 

"Do you know a Benjamin Wyatt?" 

Leslie had been about to speak again, to ask her to get someone else she could talk to, to maybe even throw her computer across the floor, but she froze still at the name. "W - what?"

"It says right here that you are married to a Benjamin Walker Wyatt. Do you happen to know who that is?"

Dave's arm fell from around her waist, but Leslie didn't even notice. She didn't notice that her breath had hitched at the name, or that Dave was staring at her in dismay. She didn't notice time hadn't stopped, that it kept moving, that she still hadn't replied to the woman's question, and that she couldn't remember how to breathe. She forgot where she was and why she was there, and everything melted into a pool of nothingness, because she had heard the one name that she had forbidden herself and everyone around her to ever utter, almost three years ago.

She held onto the edge of the desk until her knuckles went white and she waited. She waited for someone to tell her that this was a really cruel joke. _Haha, very funny, Ann_. _You got me._

But then the woman turned the computer monitor towards her so that she could see for herself, and any hope she had left about this not being real vanished into thin air. 

There, clear as day, was a single, solitary line with his name, a line that told her that she was married to her former boss, her first real love, the man who had been her best friend, with their stupid handshake thing and endless inside jokes, that mean state auditor that once had tried to ruin her town with his budget slashing. The man who had broken her heart into a million jagged pieces when he had left town instead of staying and building something. 

She was married to Ben Wyatt.

And she had no idea why or how.


	2. Chapter 2

_You are married to Benjamin Walker Wyatt._

Leslie had no idea how she made it back to their house. She just knew that one second she was still staring at that screen, and the next, Dave was guiding her through the front door to sit on the couch in the living room. 

Her brain was buzzing, loudly and obnoxiously. She heard the same words over and over until she felt like hugging her knees to her chest and rocking back and forth. How could this be happening? Was this some kind of dream that felt exceedingly real? Had the stress of the wedding and work finally broken her? Was she having feverish dreams due to wedding jitters?

_Wake up, Leslie. This is some nightmare that you’re in. Wake up._

Anything seemed possible. Anything, except the one thing that was apparently true.

Dave’s brown eyes were suddenly in front of her. Her fiancé had sat on the coffee table to face her, and Leslie blinked at him stupidly.

"I assume from your reaction that you didn't know anything about this, Leslie," Dave finally said, breaking the silence, and Leslie was sure those were the first words he had uttered since this whole mess had started.

"Of course I didn't know about it!" Leslie dropped her face into her hands. "Crap on a crayfish, I cannot be married to him. This isn't happening…"

"So you and Ben didn't secretly elope? You didn't decide to do something crazy when you were still together and then just…?"

"No!" Leslie interrupted. She felt sick. Really sick. What did any of this mean? "Dave, please. I swear…"

"Leslie, I'm really trying very hard to stay calm here, but I have to be honest, I'm not very happy," Dave admitted, nostrils flaring a bit. 

Leslie gaped at him in disbelief. Dave, the person who never got upset or angry, the person she never wanted to hurt either, was. "You can't be serious. You really think I wouldn't tell you if I had been married before? I'm trying to marry you, Dave! Doesn't that tell you anything?"

"When it comes to you and Ben, Leslie, I'm not sure of anything at all," Dave retorted, making Leslie freeze motionless. Her fiancé stood, too anxious to stay seated any longer. He began pacing across the living room, like a caged lion, as Leslie watched him. "Ben's always been this… this cloud, hanging over our heads."

"What are you talking about? I never even talk about him!" Leslie exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air in frustration.

"Exactly! He's this huge taboo! No one can even mention his name or you go crazy! You forbade everyone at the Parks Department from even saying his name, even when it was about something work related he did while he was here. You make Ann use some sort of code name when I’m around. And your mom – your mom walks on eggshells around you because she knows that his name will upset you. You went all pale when that lady said his name!" Dave seldom raised his voice, unless he was particularly upset about something, and now he was shouting. This wasn't a good sign. 

"Well, excuse me if I went into shock while trying to understand how it can be possible that I'm married to a guy I haven't seen in over three years!" Leslie screeched hysterically, feeling all of her anxiety pouring out of her. She didn’t want to do this, didn't want to take it out on Dave, but she just didn't know how to deal with this. "What are you trying to say here, Dave? Are you implying that I knew about this and I've been lying to you all along? Do you think I'm pulling your leg here? Do you think this is some kind of joke? I'm not laughing!"

"What do you want me to think, Leslie?" Dave asked, sounding furious and defeated at the same time. "Do you actually think I'm not aware that I'm filling in for Ben? Do you think I don't know that if he hadn't broken your heart, you would be marrying him instead of me? That if the campaign wouldn’t have been affected by the scandal of you being with him, that you still would be? Do you think I haven't noticed that your mother still has pictures of the two of you together? How do you think I feel when I go visit my future mother in-law and see pictures of you and your ex-boyfriend on the mantel? Especially when there aren't any of us together, not even from the holidays we spent with her? Do you honestly think I don't know that I'm a replacement?"

"Dave," Leslie choked on the name, feeling more than defeated. "Do you really think that? Sweetheart, no. I love you, and I'm marrying you because you're the man I want to be with. You're not a replacement!"

"It feels like it, Leslie," Dave replied bitterly. He dropped down onto a chair. "I know no one can ever compete with a first love, because first loves are unforgettable and magical, especially for you. But I was hoping I could make you happy enough for you not to need him."

"I don't need him. I need you," Leslie dropped to her knees on the floor in front of him, resting her head on his lap and holding his hand. "He broke my heart. He had a chance, and he lost it. It hurt, and it hurt for a very long time, but when you came back to Pawnee… Dave, you're the only one for me now. Don't doubt that. Please, don't ever doubt that."

Dave ran his fingers through Leslie's blonde hair gently. His voice sounded tinny when he finally spoke. "I believe you. I'm sorry. I… I just freaked out."

"It's alright," Leslie reassured him, looking up at his face. "I'll figure out what to do. I'll fix this. I promise."

"In time for the wedding?" Dave asked uncertainly.

Leslie nodded with determination. She wouldn't let the pain from the past dictate her life anymore. She had let Ben burn a whole through her heart for a very long time, and she had managed to push through it, despite him. She didn't need to feel like this again. "Of course."

Dave kissed her cheek before walking out the front door. He had said he needed some air and some time alone and Leslie had understood completely. They didn't want to fight, but this was only an obstacle, nothing more. They needed to remember that and keep going. 

As soon as the door was closed behind Dave, Leslie walked into their bedroom and sat on the bed, letting out a long, slow breath. She was confused and, if she had to be honest, a little desperate. How had this happened? And, more importantly, how was she going to fix this? She _would_ fix this. She had to. It’s what she did, and she would fix this too. 

Ben Wyatt. She hadn't allowed herself to think about him in so many years, even if the name and the man it belonged to crept into her memories every now and then anyway. He was etched there, and he wasn’t someone she could ever just push completely away. Leslie had loved him more than she had ever loved anyone; she had pictured their life together, she had shared laughter and tears with him, frustrations and joy, failures and successes... and then it had all ended with five painful words.

_We have to break up._

She could picture it, clear as day, like it was yesterday. They had been living in the bubble, but then there was the campaign. And he figured it out, and he sacrificed himself.

But she never asked him to.

Leslie stood and walked from the bed to the closet in unsteady feet. Remembering those words coming out of Ben's mouth always left her feeling weak and uneasy. Everything had changed after that, and Leslie had been shattered for so long. 

In the back of her closet, behind boxes of old binders and Parks business and memories with Ann, there was a wooden box covered in dust. She hadn't looked through it in years.

Leslie blew on the lid to disperse the dust, her eyes fixed on the initials carved inside a heart: L&B. Everything that was them, whatever remained of what they had once had, was inside this old box. She felt dejected when she thought that their entire relationship could fit into a small box. Leslie had once thought it would be the first of many, that they would have mementos of what they were everywhere around them. A whole house full of memories and promises. More than just one single, dusty box.

She had been such an idiot.

Leslie sat on the floor with her back against the wall and the box on her lap, not sure if looking through it would be the best of ideas. In the end, she took a deep breath and forced herself to face what she had been running away from for years now.

Leslie felt her chest constricting painfully as soon as she opened the lid and saw that Ben's face was staring back at her. There was a stack of photographs on top of everything else, thrown in there hastily after the break up, when Leslie just couldn't deal with seeing her ex-boyfriend's smiling face on every surface of her bedroom. The top one had always been one of her favorite ones, taken during the Harvest Festival. They had just pulled off the event that would save her department, and they were reveling in their success. Jerry had taken the picture and told them to smile and be proud of what they had accomplished. This was their baby and they had done it. Ben's hair, usually uptight and rigid, was wet with sweat and disheveled around his handsome face. His brown eyes seemed to soak in all the sunlight that day and Leslie could remember, as if it had been just yesterday, how happy they were together, how simple the world seemed when she was with the man she was falling in love with.

_“Leslie, I can’t believe we pulled this off. Well, you pulled it off. This is amazing!”_

_“Ben, this was just as much your baby as it was mine. We did it. See, there’s no curse after all!”_

Ben's smile had been so bright that Leslie felt her heart melting inside her chest. Dorky Ben, who was usually so reserved, was finally smiling and all because of Leslie’s faith and trust in him. Something he had never really received from anyone else. And oh, she was in love with him.

Leslie bit her lip and put the pictures aside, unable to face looking through all of them. She found an old t-shirt next, balled up and thrown inside the box as hurriedly as the pictures. It was the shirt that he had gotten at the Harvest Festival, the one he begrudgingly purchased because of her. _I Met Li’l Sebastian At The Pawnee Harvest Festival._ She wanted to laugh, because she remembered how much Ben didn’t really care about the mini horse, and how many times she would tell him that _yes, Ben, he really is the best!_ Ben would laugh at her, telling her she was adorable when she tried to convince him she was right. Leslie had lost count of how many nights she had worn it to bed, sighing in contentment when she imagined that she could still smell her boyfriend in this shirt. It had been almost as good as being in bed with him, enveloped in his arms, when the secrecy felt like too much, and she needed something to cling to. 

Leslie resisted the urge to press the t-shirt to her face and inhale deeply, as she had done so many other times. It would not only be pointless – Ben's scent had vanished long ago – but it would also be stupid. She didn't need him, didn't need the memories. They were all tainted with heartache and disappointment, and she didn’t want to set foot down that path again. She couldn’t.

Putting the t-shirt aside, Leslie glanced into the box again. There was a stack of letters and little notes, held together with a blue ribbon. Every single note that she and Ben had passed between one another at work, every little love confession written in napkins from JJ’s Diner, every ridiculous fantasy made up pen pal letter they had written to each other. Leslie remembered opening her desk drawer and finding a new letter waiting for her from Ben. She had been so happy back then, so filled to bursting with love. 

Before she could stop herself, Leslie was untying the ribbon and opening the letters to sift through them, one by one. Some words and sentences seemed to pop out of the pages before her eyes.

_Leslie Barbara Knope, you’re amazing and you can’t be stopped. I’ve never met anyone with this much passion and zeal for this work. It all used to be so dull, but you bring color to everything around you and I can finally see._

_I can’t believe last night actually happened. I want to hate stupid Chris for showing up and delaying the inevitable, but I finally got to kiss you and, on my life, I swear there’s nothing like it. Why haven’t we done this sooner?_

_I’ll always be around to tell you how amazing you are. Leslie Knope is the Spiderman of public service._

_Even though it’s early, you might just be the love of my life, Leslie._

Leslie’s breath stuttered and her chest tightened painfully at the last one. How was it possible that the same man who had looked at her like she hung the moon and the stars had broken her into so many pieces? All that love that Ben had claimed to feel… where was that love when he had chosen to leave Pawnee without a word, not telling her where he was going? He hadn’t even said goodbye. One moment he was there, the next he was gone. One moment she had Ben, and the next moment he was just a blip on her radar.

Leslie closed the box abruptly, putting it on the bed. Why was she dwelling on the past when what she needed to do was to focus on her future? She needed to find a way to fix this. Wondering why Ben had left was pointless and she had put that behind her long ago.

But there was one thing from the past that Leslie couldn't ignore, couldn't stop wondering about. How was it possible that they were married? Leslie was absolutely sure that she would have remembered getting married, especially since her wedding was something she had looked forward to since she was a little girl. She hadn't seen Ben since their break up, except for that one day when they…

Oh. _Oh._ Well, that sort of made sense, didn't it?

It had been two years ago. Everyone from the Parks and Recreation Department, old and new, were getting together for Ann Perkins and Chris Traeger’s wedding party in Las Vegas. It wasn't until the plane had already landed in Las Vegas and Leslie was gathering her luggage and Ann was checking for the hotel's address on her phone, that a thought struck her. She straightened up and looked at her best friend with wide eyes.

"Wait… Ben isn't coming, is he?" 

One would think that after two years of not talking nor seeing her ex-boyfriend, the pain and the awkwardness would have diminished by now. However, when it came to Ben, everything Leslie felt was intense and lasting, even the negative feelings.

Ann shifted uncomfortably. "Um. I think he is, yes. Chris invited him."

Leslie groaned. "This is a terrible idea, Ann. I shouldn't have…"

"Leslie, it's been two years since you two broke up. I know it was difficult for you, but you have to let it go already. Ben is Chris’s friend, even before you, and you had to have known that he would invite him.”

Sighing in defeat, Leslie hung her head in resignation. "Fine. But I won't spend any time with him. If anyone dares to leave me alone with him - "

"I'll stay by your side at all times," Ann said, clasping a hand to her shoulders, and gave her a reassuring smile, one that really didn’t make Leslie feel better. 

Ben had actually been the last one to arrive, much later that day, and it had been easy for Leslie to avoid him when there were so many others to talk to. They were all halfway to being drunk, and Leslie had been grateful for the pleasant buzz vibrating through her body. 

Leslie only remembered one thing vividly about that night – Ben's eyes. She had caught them fixed on her several times, but every time Leslie's eyes met his, Ben looked the other way or pretended to be talking to someone else. Ben had seemed just as uncomfortable as Leslie felt, and remained by Chris's side most of the night. She remembered feeling grateful that they didn’t end up speaking to one another, not even a simple polite greeting. 

The next morning, Leslie had awoken with a killer headache. She couldn’t remember a single thing. It had taken her almost two hours to get herself together, shower and go downstairs to meet the others for breakfast. It wasn't until a stack of waffles and the first two cups of coffee with eighteen sugars and four creams kicked in that she noticed there was someone missing.

Fortunately, she hadn't needed to ask any questions, because Donna beat her to it.

"Where's little man Ben?"

Chris downed his wheatgrass shot before replying in a whisper. "He left me a message on my room phone. He's gone. Something came up at work, I think."

Leslie frowned. It was only now that she realized that she knew nothing of Ben's life now, like where he was living or what he did. But then she forced herself to think of something else, because she just couldn't allow herself to think too much about him. She had spent the rest of her weekend getting drunk with her friends and pushing every last sentiment of Ben away. 

By the time she went back to Pawnee, she was so hungover that she couldn't even remember half of that weekend. Ben had been far from her mind, and it was as if he had never showed up in the first place. But now, as Leslie sat on the edge of her bed two years later, she realized something else had happened that weekend. It was the only explanation. Sometime during that first night in Las Vegas, she had married Ben.

She couldn't help but wonder if they had slept together that night, if Ben had run away in the morning when she woke up next to him, or if he didn't even know what they had done. There were so many questions unanswered, and Leslie realized that even if she just wanted to keep the past in the past, she would have to dig out a lot of things she had avoided dealing with for many years.

The problem was, she didn't know how or where to start.

She grabbed her computer from the desk, deciding the internet was the best starting point. She logged onto Facebook and searched for Ben Wyatt – there were only five results, but none of them were the Ben Wyatt she was looking for. She tried searching for him on different social media sites, but the results were still fruitless. Finally, she sighed in frustration and thought there was only one person who could probably help her. Even though she wasn't eager to explain what was going on, she needed to fix this mess if she wanted to keep her fiancé and their wedding plans on track.

She dialed Chris's number and sat on the edge of the bed, tense and nervous. It rang a couple of times before Chris picked up, sounding a bit breathless.

"Leslie Knope! To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Hi, Chris. Am I interrupting something?" 

"Absolutely not. I'm at the gym, that's all," Chris replied. "What's up? Are you calling for work reasons or is this a social call?"

Leslie worked with Chris, but they didn’t see each other as much as they had before. Between her duties as a city councilwoman and Chris’s responsibilities as City Manager, they rarely saw each other these days. A few cordial greetings when they would pass each other at City Hall and the occasional times that Leslie saw Chris at the home he shared with Ann, was all they really shared these days. Gone were the days she saw Chris often, especially since Ben had left. Chris was disappointed that The Dream Team had been broken up. And Leslie, nor Ann, had ever told Chris exactly why. 

"This is… well, I don't really know how to explain this, so I'm just going to say it, okay?" Leslie took a deep breath. "I'm calling because I need you to tell me how I can contact Ben."

There was a short silence on the other end. The whirring sound that Leslie was sure belonged to a treadmill suddenly stopped. "I don't think I'm following."

It had been a long day and Leslie felt like she had zero patience left. "Look, something major came up and I need to talk to him. It's very urgent. Just give me a phone number or an email address and that'll be enough."

"Leslie, I…" Chris cleared his throat. "I haven't talked to Ben in… I'm not sure, probably two years?"

"What?" Leslie muttered incredulously. Chris had been the only one to really stay in contact with Ben after he had left Pawnee. If Chris didn't know where Ben was…

"I don't know what happened to him," Chris admitted in a serious voice. "He was at our wedding, of course. But then after that, he simply… disappeared. He changed his phone number, closed his Facebook account, didn't return any of my emails…"

Leslie dropped her head on her free hand. "Crap. What am I going to do now?"

"What's going on, Leslie Knope?" Chris asked, sounding curious and concerned.

"It's… complicated," Leslie said. And yeah, that might have been the understatement of the century. "But I need to find him as soon as possible. It's very important."

"Sorry, Leslie," Chris murmured regretfully. "I really have no idea where he is."

"Where was he living last time you talked to him?" Leslie needed a place to start looking. Her next step would have to be to call Ben's parents, and she really didn’t want to do that. The Wyatts were… overwhelming and she wanted to avoid them at all costs, especially so that she didn’t have to divulge that she and Ben had drunkenly gotten married while in Las Vegas for a wedding party. 

"Well, when he resigned as Assistant City Manager, he went back to Partridge, to stay with his sister Stephanie." Chris explained. "He didn’t want to be in Indiana anymore. I visited him not long before he stopped talking to me. They were still living together then, but Stephanie was engaged, so Ben was talking about moving out on his own to let his sister live alone with her husband…"

"Do you think he may still be in Minnesota?" Leslie asked, hope flaming in her chest.

"I guess he could be," Chris replied thoughtfully. "But it's been a long time. Maybe he's not there anymore."

"Maybe I should try calling his parents…" Leslie muttered.

"Oh, no, don't do that," Chris said almost immediately. "Last I heard from Ben, they still weren't on speaking terms. Things with his parents sort of got out of hand when he left Indiana and went to Partridge. His father said a lot of nasty things to him about Ice Town and about resigning in disgrace in Pawnee and his mother wasn't the nicest either, and then Ben had decided he'd had enough and they got into this really big fight. I think he was staying with one of them before that, but then he went to live with Stephanie."

Even though Leslie hadn't been a part of Ben's life for a few years, it was strange to think that something so appalling had happened to him, and Leslie had no idea. Once upon a time, Leslie had given Ben a shoulder to cry on when things with his parents were less than stellar, and Leslie had listened to him vent for hours about how his parents had been to him. Now, so many years later, knowing that Ben had walked away from them and that Leslie hadn't been there to help him through it… it felt weird and wrong. Despite everything that had happened between them, and how long it had been since she had even thought about Ben, Leslie couldn't help but feel like she should've been there to support him.

She decided to focus on the problem at hand instead of worrying about. Leslie closed her eyes and thought. "So… what about Stephanie? Do you think she's still living in the same place?"

"Yes, I think she might be," Chris answered after a moment. "I don't have his phone number anymore, but I still remember his sister’s address. Maybe you can give that a shot?"

Leslie felt the tension in her shoulders letting up slightly. It was a start. "That would be fantastic." Leslie grabbed a notepad and a pen and quickly wrote down the address Chris gave her. "Thank you so much, Chris. I really appreciate your help."

"You're welcome, Leslie Knope!" Chris said, and after a short pause, he asked: "So, are you going to tell me what this is about?"

"I need to get a divorce from Ben, so I can marry my fiancé," Leslie explained tersely. It sounded so ridiculous that she would've laughed if she hadn't been so incredibly stressed. And if it hadn’t been true, she might have laughed at the cruel joke the universe was playing on her. 

But it was.

It was evident that Chris had taken the opportunity to drink some water, because there were suddenly hacking and coughing noises, as if he were choking. “You two are _married_?"

"I'm just as shocked as you are. I only found out about it today while trying to get a marriage license.”

"How could that happen, without you even knowing about it?" Chris asked, completely baffled. Leslie knew Chris was hard to shock and this one was one for the books. 

"My guess is that it had to have happened during your wedding party in Las Vegas, but I'm not exactly sure. That's the only time I remember seeing him since we – since he left Pawnee." Leslie ran a hand through her hair, a nervous habit that she hated, and sighed heavily. "Look, I'm sorry, Chris, but I really have to go. I have a million things to do and I desperately need some waffles and some coffee with like, twenty sugars. This day has been… unexpectedly exhausting. Maybe Ann can fill you in on the rest?"

"Let me know how this goes," Chris said gently. He hesitated, but then spoke again. “If you talk to Ben… can you maybe tell him to give me a call, if you get a chance? I was surprised because of how he simply disappeared, but now I'm mostly just really worried. Tell him to call me."

"I will. Thanks."

They said goodbye and Leslie hung up. She stayed where she was, sitting with her eyes fixed on her phone and Stephanie Wyatt's address written on a notepad next to her, completely bewildered at the turn this day had taken.

There wasn't just a wedding to plan anymore. 

There was also a divorce.


	3. Chapter 3

_Ben Wyatt is your husband._

Leslie Knope really, really did not want to do this.

Airports always seemed like a world of their own. Every single person coming and going had their own schedule, their own ideas, their own destinations and languages. Being at an airport felt like being everywhere and nowhere at the same time. While you hadn't departed yet, your mind was already at your destination point.

Leslie stood before the gate and looked up at the sign to confirm it was the right one for the millionth time. "I still have five minutes before they start boarding."

"You have everything, right?" Dave asked, slipping a hand around Leslie's waist to hold her against him for a moment.

Dave knew that she did, because she was Leslie Knope and she didn’t forget anything, but he had asked that same question five times since they had left the house. Leslie was aware that he wasn't concerned about her leaving her sweater or wallet behind. It was the papers in her binder in her bag that her fiancé was worried about.

"Yes, I have everything," Leslie said for a final time. It was impossible to forget the divorce papers she was carrying, brought to her that same morning by a very disgruntled Ethel Beavers. She cupped Dave's cheek reassuringly, with a little smile. "Stop worrying, Dave. I'll get this over and done with and come back home before you even notice I'm gone."

"I wish you didn't have to go at all," Dave whispered, leaning in for a kiss. "I wish he wasn't doing this to us…"

Old instincts to defend Ben kicked in before Leslie could stop them. "Don't be unfair. He doesn't even know this is happening. It was just a matter of time until one of us decided to get married and stumbled upon this."

Dave grumbled under his breath, but before he could respond, a voice echoed around the huge hall, announcing Leslie's flight.

"I have to go," Leslie said, kissing him again and forcing herself to be positive and cheerful despite how nervous and reluctant she felt. She didn’t want to do this, but she had to. "I should be back on Wednesday, if things go smoothly."

"Call me when you land," Dave murmured against her lips. "Just… put this behind us and come back to be my wife, Leslie."

"I will," Leslie promised. She pulled away and fished her boarding pass out of her pocket.

Leslie maintained her calm façade until she was sitting on the plane and staring out the window, resisting the urge to bite her nails. She couldn't entirely suppress her nerves. She was about to go face the man she had once dreamed of marrying… the man she had actually married without even remembering it. When she had pictured herself as Ben’s wife, she hadn't thought it would be like this. They had been married for a few years now, and they hadn't seen each other, talked or even acknowledged the other's existence even once, in that time.

Leslie wished that she had asked Chris more about Ben. What had he been doing in Minnesota? She figured that he had grown tired of government work and being a budget specialist and even Assistant City Manager, but without those things, he wouldn’t be Ben Wyatt. She couldn’t imagine what career he might have now. What was he doing instead? Was he happy with his choices? And clearly Ben had not gotten married yet either, or she would have inevitably found herself on the opposite side of this nightmare. Why hadn’t he? 

And most importantly, what did he look like now? The same, like she remembered him, or a very different person altogether?

Leslie shook her head. That's not what she needed to think about. She was happy now. She was engaged to a wonderful man, had a perfect job and a bright future.

Maybe this would be an opportunity to resolve their issues, Leslie thought, as she got comfortable in her seat and watched the clouds passing by. They hadn't spoken since the break up, and certainly not at the wedding, and Ben had never said goodbye when he left Pawnee, leaving her wondering why. They could finally put their cards on the table and say the things they hadn't said. Maybe Leslie could finally put the pieces together, understand, and move on. 

Yes, Leslie decided, this would be good for both of them. She would arrive in Partridge, ask Stephanie for Ben's address, find her ex-boyfriend, explain the situation, talk about their past so it could stop being unfinished business, Ben would sign the papers, and she would be back in Pawnee in less than forty eight hours, ready to marry the man of her dreams.

Leslie allowed a little smile to tug at her lips, as she closed her eyes in contentment. She suddenly had a good feeling about this trip.

\------------------------------------------

Leslie woke with a start when the captain's voice announced over the speakers that they were about to make their descent into Partridge. She didn't remember falling asleep, but she couldn't have been conscious for too long, either. The Sky Mall catalog that she had been reading was on the floor, caught between her feet, and her hair was now mussed from sleep. She sat up, suddenly apprehensive again, and wondered where that dream, that memory, had come from. She hadn't thought about that afternoon in so long. It had been just another day at her house, historical roleplay the center of her day with Ben, but for some reason, she still remembered it so clearly.

Maybe this whole situation was just bringing back memories that had seemed so simple back then, the easy and lighthearted ones, because Leslie’s brain refused to acknowledge the tougher ones. Leslie knew that she and Ben had spent some time carving out a few wedding details for what seemed so far off but so real to them both. They felt strongly enough back then to want to make a wedding a real possibility between them, but now it just felt ironic to her. A wedding neither of them could really remember, after a break up, years after they had last spoken. Leslie and Ben's wedding wasn't meant to be an inebriated moment in Vegas. Their love had been epic to her, and she should’ve had a fairy tale wedding. They should've had that future they had once dreamed of.

Leslie fixed her hair as she waited for the plane to land, pushing away the memory and the thoughts. They hadn't gotten their dream wedding. Ben had left without a single word, and not one iota of a fight. Not for her, and certainly not for them. As resentment, anger and pain started filling her heart, Leslie took a deep breath and forced all those feelings away. _No. This isn’t how this is supposed to go, Leslie._ She knew it wouldn’t help to get carried away like this. Even though she still hadn't forgiven Ben for what he'd done, and she didn't understand why Ben would just disappear without a trace like that, Leslie was happy with the way her life had turned out. Everything was fine. Everything was perfect. The pain had been rewarded.

By the time Leslie had claimed her suitcase in baggage, she was practically swaying on her feet with fatigue. Between the slight time difference and stress of the past few days, she realized she was exhausted. It was late enough to call it a day, and Leslie thought it probably was a good idea to wait until the morning to go to Stephanie’s house. So she walked out of the terminal, dragging her suitcase behind her and feeling the distinctive weight of her bag on her shoulder. She managed to get an Uber relatively soon, and she asked the driver to take her to a nearby hotel. She slumped limply against the seat and stared out the window at the quaint little town she had never had the chance to explore with Ben, and dutifully called her fiancé to let him know she had landed safely.

It was Leslie’s first time in this city, and she felt guilty, like she was betraying Ben. He had talked about Partridge and they had made plans to someday see the town together, where he could point out things to her like his old high school and the steps to City Hall where he had been infamously inaugurated. It didn’t feel right to be here like this without him, and she felt strangely out of place. 

When she finally checked into the hotel, Leslie was relieved. What she had to do the very next day wasn't something she wanted to face without a good night’s sleep, maybe more than the four hours she normally averaged. She couldn't help wonder what Ben would have to say about all of this. 

Her last thought before falling asleep was that, by this time the following night, she would be a divorced woman.

She would've never imagined that such an idea could be this comforting.

\------------------------------------------

At half past seven in the morning, Leslie's alarm started blaring, waking her abruptly and almost making her roll out of bed. For the first few seconds, she looked around the unfamiliar room, disoriented, wondering where the hell she was. But then her brain finally caught up and she dropped back against the pillows, sighing. She was in Partridge, Minnesota, looking for Ben, who happened to be her husband.

Every ounce of calm that she had managed to conjure up the previous day on the plane was gone. Leslie was sure she would not be able to stomach any food, but she still went downstairs to grab something. She needed a cup of coffee to function properly, so she sat at a small table by the window, people-watching, and picking at her waffles and whipped cream as she drank her coffee. This diner was nice, but it was no JJ’s Diner. 

Once she was caffeinated enough to fortify herself for what she was about to do, Leslie got another Uber outside the hotel. She gave Stephanie’s address to the driver and tried to relax against the seat. Her bag was on her lap, and she was very aware of the weight of the divorce papers again. It wasn’t just the physical weight of them. They meant something big to her, and she knew to Ben they would too.

She suddenly realized that she had been so busy thinking about what was going to happen with Ben that she hadn't even thought about Stephanie. She had never met Ben’s sister, and Leslie couldn't help wonder what she would be like and if she would welcome Leslie, given the unusual circumstances. Leslie wasn’t even sure how close Ben and Stephanie were. 

There had been a worry in the back of Leslie's mind since the moment the plane had departed from the airport in Pawnee, but she hadn't entertained it much, not sure what to do with it. What if Stephanie wasn't living at that address anymore? It was a possibility, wasn't it? Chris had said he had lost contact with Ben two years ago. A lot could've happened in those years. Maybe Stephanie wouldn’t be there anymore. 

Leslie knew that, if she couldn't track him down, she would have no choice but to call their parents, and ask the Wyatts about Ben. Leslie wasn't particularly fond of the idea, as she knew how Ben felt about his parents, but these were desperate times. She couldn't wander aimlessly around the country looking for Ben. She had a wedding to get ready for.

Leslie had been so distracted by her own thoughts that she hadn't noticed the driver had stopped until the man cleared his throat loudly, raising an eyebrow at her from the rearview mirror.

"Oh, crap! Sorry, I…" She looked around curiously. It was a nice neighborhood, what she had always envisioned when she thought of where Ben and his siblings grew up. There were two cars in the driveway, so she knew someone was home, but she hesitated.

Was Stephanie even going to be here? If she was, would it take too long? Would it be rude to just ask her where Ben was and leave as soon as possible? Leslie wasn't sure what the protocol was in a situation like this.

She sighed, and decided there was no need to brush courtesy aside. Even though she had never met Stephanie, they had nearly been family back in the day. She must have known how serious she and Ben were, at one time. She couldn't just demand Ben's address and walk away.

Leslie walked to the front door with slow, careful steps. She knew that, if this wasn't still Stephanie's house, things were going to get a lot more complicated. And Leslie really didn't have time for complicated.

She was about to knock on the door when it practically flew open before her. A whole family almost walked right into her, but she let out an exclamation of surprise and moved aside just as a dark haired man carrying a little girl stepped out of the house, talking to the woman who was following after him, carrying an identical little girl. The woman was Stephanie.

"Oh," the man stopped mid-sentence when he realized someone was at the door. "Hello! Can we help you?"

"I…" Leslie had been taken by surprise. Despite Chris mentioning something about Stephanie wanting to get married, she had never thought she’d be in the middle of witnessing this picturesque moment between her ex-boyfriend’s sister and her family.

"Leslie?" Stephanie tilted her head in confusion as she looked Leslie over.

Leslie forced a smile onto her face. "Hi, Stephanie. I'm sorry to just drop by, but - "

"You two know each other?" Her husband asked, watching them with interest.

"Yeah. Well, kind of. I’ve only ever seen pictures. She's Ben's ex-girlfriend," Stephanie answered tersely. Her brown eyes were still fixed on Leslie. She wasn't smiling. The man's face morphed into quiet understanding. "Leslie, this is my husband, Jake."

"Hi, Jake, it's really nice to meet you," Leslie shook his hand politely.

"What are you doing here?" Stephanie asked, clearly not in the mood for pleasantries.

Leslie cleared her throat. She really didn't want to get into any details here at the porch. "I was hoping we could talk for a bit? Something came up and… well, it's really important."

Stephanie shifted the little girl to take a look at her watch. "I have a meeting I need to get to, so - "

"I won't keep you long, I promise! I'm sort of running on a tight schedule myself," Leslie said immediately.

Stephanie exchanged a quick glance with Jake and finally sighed. "Okay. Let me get the kids in the car and then we can talk for a minute or two."

"Of course.”

She smiled at Jake, who smiled back, and watched the little family as they walked towards the cars parked in the driveway. They put the girls on booster seats in the backseat, and Leslie heard Stephanie giving each of them a noisy kiss and wishing them a nice day, before opening the driver's seat for her husband and kissing him goodbye as well. Stephanie watched as Jake drove off, waving at her daughters, who were waving back at her enthusiastically.  
Stephanie was gesturing for Leslie to go inside, a silent invitation. The house was just as nice on the inside as it was on the outside, tastefully decorated. Every surface had at least one family picture, and Leslie glanced at them in passing as Stephanie guided her into the living room.

"You have a beautiful house," Leslie complimented, feeling more than a bit awkward. She looked at a professionally done portrait of the girls on the coffee table. "They're adorable. Twins, right? What are their names?"

"Thank you. Violet and Lily. They're almost three," Stephanie replied, nodding towards the couch for Leslie to take a seat.

"They look a lot like you," Leslie said with a smile. "I know that we’ve never met, but you really do have a beautiful little family."

It seemed so strange, Leslie thought, to sit here and make small talk with her ex-boyfriend's sister, and she came to the realization that this was technically her sister-in-law. She had grown up an only child and all she had wished for was a sibling. Now, she had one, and yet it didn’t feel quite right to her. It felt foreign and not at all like she imagined, and she knew it was because of how Stephanie had become her sister. 

Apparently, Stephanie was having similar thoughts about the awkward polite chatter, because she leaned over, with her elbows on her knees, and looked at Leslie seriously. "Why are you here, Leslie?"

Leslie took a deep breath. _Here we go. No turning back now._ "I'm here because of Ben."

Stephanie licked her lips in anticipation. She seemed uncannily nervous. "Is he… is he okay?"

Leslie frowned in confusion. "I… was kind of hoping you'd know that."

"Oh," Stephanie straightened out, with a tense sigh. Her eyes seemed to go a little darker. "Well, then I'm afraid I can't really help you. I haven't talked to him in… two years, I think."

Leslie's eyes widened. "What? But… Chris said he moved in with you after he left Pawnee. What happened?"

Immediately, Leslie realized that this topic seemed off limits to her, and that Stephanie was reluctant to talk about it. Whatever had happened between them wasn't a foolish brother and sister argument. This was bigger than that and it was definitely complicated.

"Life happened, Leslie," Stephanie answered vaguely. "Look… I don't know why you decided to find Ben after all this time, but the best you can do right now is go back to Pawnee and forget about it."

"I can't forget about it!" Leslie exclaimed, her perfectly held together nerves finally breaking. She needed that damn address. She needed to contact Ben. "First Chris tells me he hasn't heard from Ben in two years, and now you tell me you haven't talked to your brother in two years. I don’t understand - "

"Maybe you should take the hint and stay away from him, then," Stephanie said abruptly. Leslie stared at her, with whatever she was about to say stuck in her throat. Stephanie sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Leslie… I mean it. It's not a good idea to track him down. Forget about Ben."

"I can't, okay?" Leslie murmured, exasperated. This was beginning to feel more and more like a futile effort. "I'm not sure how it even happened, but Ben and I… we got married. Like, two years ago."

Stephanie gaped at her, the disbelief written all over her face. "What?"

"I'm pretty sure it happened while we were drunk in Las Vegas for Chris and Ann’s wedding," Leslie explained quickly. "But the thing is…" She raised her hand to show Stephanie her engagement ring. "I'm getting married next month and I only found out last Thursday that I'm married to your brother. I can't marry my fiancé until I divorce Ben. I need to find him. I need him to sign those damn divorce papers."

"I can't believe… you have got to be kidding me," Stephanie's eyes were now saucers, completely shocked. "You've been married for two years and neither of you knows it?"

"Yes. They’ll be making a Lifetime movie out of my life soon, I’ll bet. Please, Stephanie. All I'm asking for here is an address. I need your brother's address and then I'll never bother you again."

Stephanie only hesitated for another minute before she finally grabbed a notepad from the table next to her. She scribbled something on it quickly. "This was his address last time we talked. That's all I have for you. If he's not there, then I have no idea where he is."

"Thank you!" Leslie smiled at her gratefully, immensely relieved.

"I still think this is a terrible idea, Leslie," Stephanie said and she seemed even more serious and worried than before. "I know you are doing this because you need to do it… but it's a terrible idea."

"We're adults, Stephanie. I'm sure we can handle an old heartbreak," Leslie replied, shrugging. Stephanie didn't seem very convinced at all.

Stephanie walked her to the door. Leslie thanked her again and they said goodbye. Leslie was walking down the path from the front door, when Stephanie stopped her.

"Leslie!" Leslie turned and watched her with a raised eyebrow, expectant. "I…" Stephanie looked down at her own shoes, suddenly fascinated by them. She finally shook her head. "Nothing."

Leslie gave her a couple more seconds in case she changed her mind, but she eventually gave Stephanie a final wave and left.

However, as she walked down the street, waiting for her driver to come back, she couldn't help feeling that what Stephanie had been about to say was something she needed to know before she found Ben. Her stomach was uneasy, and nothing about finding him sat right with her. 

There had to be a logical explanation as to why Ben hadn’t spoken to anyone in years. Why was Ben pushing everyone away? He had pushed Chris away, but what about Stephanie? Had it been a mutual decision? Had he felt resentful because his sister had gotten married and he had to move out? Leslie tried listing all the possibilities, but none of them made much sense to her.

She was worried, now more than ever. What if she couldn't find Ben here? What if he had moved out since the last time Stephanie had heard from him? Leslie would be left completely clueless as to where to contact him. She didn't want to even think about postponing the wedding. She wanted to move on with her life, and it was unfair that her and Dave's future happiness hinged ever so precariously on whether Ben had changed his address or not.

The driver stopped in front of a building and Leslie glanced at it through the window. There wasn't anything outstanding about it, just lines of windows and concrete walls. Leslie fished her wallet out and paid the driver before exiting and taking a deep, slow and steady breath, to brace herself.

This was it. This moment, this building and the door she would be knocking on were going to decide her future. Leslie was suddenly filled with dread.

She entered the building and climbed the stairs slowly to the fourth floor. Once there, she found the apartment number four, and took another deep breath. God, she was so damn nervous. If Ben really was there, how was she going to explain this whole situation to him? What was she supposed to say? Guess what? Surprise, we’re married! She hadn't seen nor talked to this man in two years, and everything was different. They had lived so much more since everything had fallen apart. They could be cordial to each other at least. They could find a way to make this visit worthwhile. They could use it to heal old wounds and forget about the past and somehow move forward. 

Leslie had just raised her hand to knock when the door suddenly opened. What was it with people leaving their homes before she could even announce she was there today? She didn't have much time to dwell though, because there was a woman exiting and she was definitely _not_ Ben.

She had blonde hair too, much like Leslie’s own, and she was quickly slipping her jacket on. She stopped when she noticed Leslie standing there, and with just once glance, Leslie realized that this woman was about to begin her walk of shame.

_Oh._

"Um… hello," Leslie murmured awkwardly.

The stranger closed the door behind her before Leslie could to look into the apartment. "Hello…"

"I'm looking for Ben?" Leslie asked, shifting uncomfortably.

The woman's face burned red in embarrassment. "I'm… I honestly don't even know what his name is." She rolled her eyes at herself. Then she stared at Leslie in horror. "You are… you're his girlfriend? I swear I didn't - "

"Oh, no, no! No. We are just… um. I just need to talk to him."

"Okay," she sighed in relief. "He's, um, asleep right now. I have to go…"

"Of course, yeah," Leslie nodded and let the poor girl run away. 

So maybe the girl didn't know the name of the man still inside the apartment, but at least Leslie was almost a hundred percent sure that she had the right place.

And there wasn't anything else left to do, but knock.

But the first couple of knocks seemed pointless. No one was coming to the door. Leslie grew more nervous and impatient with every second, and pounded on the door a little harder, knowing she was just venting her anxiety and frustrations on the poor wood frame. 

Leslie was honestly considering just barging in and risking a very odd situation if the guy who lived there wasn't Ben after all, when the door finally opened abruptly, and a man stepped outside, clearly irritated.

"What?!"

Leslie's breath hitched as she stared at him. It was him. It was Ben Wyatt. 

Ben was standing there only in his underwear. The little grey boxers left practically nothing to the imagination and she noticed the very pronounced v-shaped dip at his hips, a light dusting of hair running up his belly. He was still small and tight like she remembered and Leslie had a hard time stopping her eyes from shifting down. However, as soon as she saw Ben’s face, she forgot about his body.

His hair was the same, thick but messy and unkempt. Not the rigid and uptight style he wore when she had known him. His cheeks and jaw were covered in stubble, and his lips were set in a straight line, no signs of a smile on them. His eyes, the warm, brown eyes that Leslie had loved looking into, were now dull and void of emotion, despite how expressive they had been the last time Leslie had looked into them.

The simple beauty of Ben that had once made Leslie swoon was gone. Before her, stood a man who seemed to have lost every ounce of wonder and charm and humor. There was a cold, strange aura around him that seemed to seep deep into Leslie's bones, making her shiver. There weren't any traces of kindness or sweetness in the man before her, no trace of any sort of emotion left in him. His eyes weren’t soft and warm like she remembered, just cold and dark. Numb. Just numb. 

Leslie was completely frozen in place, and though she didn't even blink, trying to take it all in, she was unable to recognize anything in this rough, wrecked man, the man she had fallen so madly in love with.

“Hi, Ben.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to preface this chapter with a few notes: This is not a Leslie/Dave story, but most certainly will be a Leslie/Ben story. Also, Ben is dark and maybe a little twisted, sarcastic and mean and sad, but he will NEVER be violent, especially towards Leslie. I would never, and could never, write him like that. I don't ever see him that way. Someone from the last chapter's comments wanted to know if Ben in this story would be like Adam Scott's character in The Vicious Kind, and I think that sort of closely resembles him here, minus the weird vibe. How Adam Scott looks in that movie is actually EXACTLY what I picture Ben looking like in this story. And again, he will never be violent (because Adam Scott's character in that movie is). More like... heartbroken and hurt. Lastly, the title for the fic comes from My Tears Ricochet, a song off of Taylor Swift's new album, Folklore. If you haven't listened to it, you should because it's amazing! The lyrics of that song fit this fic so, so well, from either Ben or Leslie's point of view after the break up. Pretty much every line of the song will be incorporated into this fic somehow. I hope this helps! Enjoy the chapter.

“Hi, Ben.”

They were the only words Leslie could choke out. She was speechless, rooted to her spot outside his doorway, staring stunned at the stranger in front of her, the knot she had formed walking up to this building twisting in her stomach. This wasn’t the Ben Wyatt she remembered and it hurt in places she didn’t know it could. She knew it was Ben, but a part of her refused to believe it. She was seeing a shadow of the man she had known so well. And even though there were changes to his overall appearance, Leslie found that the most striking difference was Ben's eyes.

She remembered those eyes and she felt guilty admitting that they still haunted her in her dreams at night. They had been one of her absolute favorite parts about Ben, not because of their color, but because they had always held such a reverence for her. When he had looked at her, she felt like the only person the world, someone who was wanted and desired and loved. Just his eyes made her feel things that she never had before. They always showed her just how much he admired her determination, her tenacity, her passion, even if he never said a word. All he ever had to do was look at her and she knew. His eyes had been warm, honest and right there for her, eyes that conveyed so much with just a single glance. No one had _ever_ looked at her the way Ben had. 

But now, they were dull and lifeless, void of any emotion. She couldn’t see anything in them but pools of darkness. In that moment, she thought that those eyes could have just as well belonged to anyone else. 

"Well, shit. Am I still drunk? Do my eyes deceive me?”

Those words shocked Leslie right back into reality. They sounded so uncharacteristic and foreign in Ben's voice, gruff and cold and unfeeling, when he had always been so polite and reserved and never crass or rude.

"Um…" Leslie hesitated. "Hi, Ben."

Ben leaned against the doorway and looked at her without saying anything for a few seconds. It was unnerving. "Hello."

"I know this is probably weird and unexpected, but I need to talk to you," Leslie said, trying to sound like she had more credence than she actually did. And she most certainly couldn’t find even the slightest bit of confidence in this moment. Why was this so hard when it used to be so easy with Ben? This was ridiculous.

Ben yawned, looking more than a little uninterested in the conversation. Leslie forced herself not to stare at the muscles of his throat straining with the motion, and all of the facial hair from his beard that extended down his neck. He’d never had a beard when they were together, or even any facial hair for that matter, and this was different. So different. "Do you now?"

"Yes," Leslie cleared her throat and stood up straighter, motioning towards the apartment. "Can I come in? I don't want to do this out here."

Ben scratched his belly lazily, but didn't move. "I don't know. It's too early for this and I'm still fucking hungover."

"It's… it's ten o’clock in the morning, Ben. I don't have time for this." 

Ben scoffed. "I know you don't have time. When did you ever have time for anyone else?" He muttered under his breath. Leslie opened her mouth, ready for an indignant reply, but Ben didn't give her the chance. "Look, I'm sorry, but whatever you want will have to wait. I need more sleep and some food before I can deal with talking to you."

Leslie stared incredulously as Ben began to close the door, putting her hand up to stop him. "This is important, Ben. I need to talk to you."

"Right, you said that already," Ben murmured, half asleep and obviously not caring about anything other than going back to bed. "Write your phone number down and slide it under the door and maybe I'll call you when I wake up."

Leslie was about to protest, but then she was completely alone and staring back at nothing but the door. It was closed and Ben was gone.

Leslie stood there for a few minutes, trying to understand what had just happened.

She spent the rest of the day in her hotel room replaying her interaction with Ben in her head over and over. There were so many details missing, and she couldn't understand how Ben had become the man he was now, how he had ostracized his entire family and his friends and turned into a man who had one night stands on Tuesdays and was hungover on Wednesdays. The man she had just met wasn’t even remotely close to the memory that she had held of him, where she still thought of Ben as the man who had loved her and had sacrificed his happiness for hers.

Nothing about this made sense to her. What the hell had happened to him?

Ben didn't call. What if he never called? What was Leslie supposed to do? She needed to talk to him, needed Ben to sign those papers. She was afraid to even look away from her phone in case she missed his call, and she couldn’t chase him down in Partridge forever.

But then the day became night, and Leslie realized that Ben had no intention of ever calling her.

Leslie was feeling desperate now. How was she going to fix this?

She nearly jumped off the bed when her phone began to ring and she rushed to accept the call, before Ben could change his mind and regret calling her and hang up instead. 

But it wasn’t Ben. 

She was beginning to resign to the fact that he would never call.

\------------------------------------------

Leslie startled awake the next morning, still in her clothes from the day before, with her cell phone gripped tightly in her hand. She couldn't remember falling asleep. She had been so terrified of missing Ben's call, that she had tried distracting herself with work she had to do, and sat on her bed without getting undressed, convinced that would help her. But it had been in vain, and now she not only had pain in her neck from sleeping uncomfortably, but she was also furious.

What was Ben's problem? Why couldn’t he bother contacting her? Didn't he understand that it was urgent for them to talk? Couldn't Ben take the hint, considering they hadn't talked in years, that whatever Leslie had hunted him down to discuss was probably important?

Seeing her ex-boyfriend, so changed from the man she had fallen in love with, had sent her spiraling and she wasn't sure how to proceed. There was no instruction manual, no guidebook, no binder in the world, even one created by Leslie Knope herself, that could tell her what to do. She hadn't expected this to be so damn hard. And even though she wasn't foolish enough to expect it to be easy either, she had expected Ben to cooperate. She hadn't expected Ben to raise his carefully built defenses between them before Leslie even had the chance to explain.

It was late morning already, and she wasn't sure how to approach the issue at hand. Would returning to Ben's apartment solve anything? She needed to talk to him, to force him to listen, to make him sign the papers, but something told her that she needed to understand him first.

She needed answers, and there was only one person who could provide them.

Leslie waited all day, until she knew that Stephanie would be home. She exhaled in relief at finding both cars were parked in the driveway when she arrived. She wasn't sure how Stephanie would react to a second visit or if she would even want to talk to Leslie again. Talking about Ben didn't seem to be something Stephanie was eager to do, and Leslie imagined asking about her big brother for a second time in two days would be pushing it. She hoped Stephanie could help her iron out the details about Ben.

She knocked and waited, rocking back and forth on her heels slightly, needing to channel her pent up anxiety somehow. It didn't take long for the door to open, but it felt like an eternity to Leslie. All she wanted was to be on a plane back home, to Pawnee.

Stephanie appeared before her, smiling Leslie could hear the girls' voices travelling from somewhere else in the house.

"Come on, Mommy, you have to be Elsa!"

"Just a minute, girls!" Stephanie called over her shoulder, before turning back to Leslie. The smile disappeared gradually as she studied Leslie attentively. "I knew I would be seeing you again."

"I'm really sorry for bothering you again," Leslie muttered sincerely. Their previous encounter had been sufficiently unproductive, and Leslie hadn't intended to go through it again. "It's just that - "

When Leslie couldn't find the words, Stephanie seemed to understand her struggle, because she simply nodded and moved aside, allowing Leslie to step into the house. "Come on in."

"Sweetheart, who's at the door?" Jake's voice said from down the hall, before he peeked his head around the corner to see. He seemed surprised to find Leslie there. "Oh, hey again! How are you?"

"Hi, Jake. I'm sorry for dropping by uninvited again." Leslie shifted again and bit her lip, because this was wildly uncomfortable and she suddenly wished that there was a giant sinkhole in the floor that would swallow her up.

"That’s not a problem. We're about to have dinner. Would you like to join us?"

Leslie glanced at Stephanie, who looked displeased at her husband’s invitation. "I can make this very quick. I just - I have a few questions."

Stephanie put a hand on her shoulder and smiled bitterly at her. "If this is about Ben, it won't be quick. Let's eat something and we can talk after."

Leslie hesitated for only a second. Her need to know more was stronger than her need to escape the very trying situation. "Okay. Thank you."

She followed Stephanie into the living room, where the girls were sitting on the floor, around what looked like a Frozen play set. Leslie hadn't had much of a chance to really look at them the previous day, but she was struck now by their resemblance to not only Stephanie, but some attributes of Ben too. The twins were all Wyatt, all brown eyes and dark hair.

One of the girls stood slowly and hugged her mother's leg. "Who's this, Mommy?"

"This is Leslie," Stephanie informed, stroking her daughter's hair affectionately and smiling down at her. "She's, um, an old friend of mine."

The other girl stood too, but offered her hand to Leslie confidently. "Hi, I'm Lily."

"Hi, Lily. Nice to meet you.”

"She's my sister. Her name is Violet," Lily continued, pointing at her twin, who was still glued to their mother.

"Hi, Violet," Leslie offered, leaning a little closer and waving at her.

Violet waved shyly, but didn't move from her shelter behind her mother’s legs.

"Stephanie? Can you get the girls to wash their hands? Dinner's ready!" Jake called from the kitchen.

"Of course,” Stephanie replied, taking her daughters' hands. She gestured towards the next room. "Make yourself comfortable in the dining room. I'll be right back."

Leslie wandered into the dining room just as Jake was carrying food over to the dining table. "I'm sorry for interrupting your family time and dinner. I didn’t mean to intrude."

"Please, it's no trouble at all," Jake assured her warmly. "There's plenty of food for all of us and well, if I have to be honest, I'm sort of relieved that you are here. Stephanie doesn't really talk about Ben, but I know she worries about her brother."

"What happened to Ben? I saw him yesterday and - "

Jake's lips formed a tight, straight line. He didn't seem very keen to talk about Ben either. "I think it would be better if you and Stephanie talked about it. I'd rather not get involved with this."

Leslie frowned, her eyes cast downward to the floor. What could Ben have possibly done? Even the mention of his brother-in-law made him uneasy, and Leslie wanted to respect Jake’s wishes. She didn’t want to push. 

Before she could decide how to ask about Ben, Stephanie was back with the girls. Leslie was surrounded by the commotion of a family dinner, and as she watched Stephanie and Jake interact with the girls, she felt like she was in a different world. Stephanie and Jake had cultivated such a normal life as a family that Ben was very clearly not a part of. And Ben… Ben was in a whole different world altogether. Drunk, mean, selfish, alone, no family in sight. Leslie wondered how Ben felt about missing out on this. 

She wanted to scream, because she needed Pawnee, not Partridge, where she felt home and safe and far away from this. 

Maybe she should listen to the signs. There were so many signs… but she refused to give up. After all, she had to do this, didn’t she? 

When they finally finished eating, Jake ushered them to the living room so they could talk, and Leslie sighed in relief because this was the moment where she might finally get answers. Stephanie made sure the girls were gone before she turned to Leslie.

"So…" Stephanie began, letting Leslie take the conversation wherever she needed it to go.

"I'm sure you know why I'm here again," Leslie stated, taking a seat and looking up at Stephanie.

"Well, I know you're not here to get a different address where you can find Ben, because you know that's the only one I had. I guess you found him and now you want answers.”

"He looked… awful. Different. And mean. And drunk too, in the morning." Leslie said, trying to keep her composure. "What the hell happened to him, Stephanie?"

Stephanie didn't answer right away. She was taking her time to phrase her answer carefully. "He made some bad choices."

"I can see that," Leslie exclaimed. "But I don't understand. He's nothing like the Ben I knew. I barely recognized him, Stephanie. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it wouldn't have made a difference if I did. You still would've gone to see him."

Leslie couldn't argue with that. Nothing Stephanie could say would have kept her from finding Ben. But she had deserved even a warning about what she was going to find when she knocked on Ben's door. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Why did you give up on him?"

That seemed to get Stephanie's attention. She turned to Leslie abruptly and pointed at her with the Anna doll she had just grabbed from the floor. "I did _not_ give up on him. He gave up on himself." 

Her voice was tight and strained, and Leslie knew this hit a nerve. "You have _no_ idea how many times I saved his sorry ass, how many times I tried to talk some sense into him, how many times I defended him even though I knew he was wrong. He put my children in danger and he jeopardized my marriage more times than I can count because he couldn't stay out of trouble. He couldn't keep his shit together, and I had to make a choice, Leslie. I love him but he's an adult, and I have my own family now. He can't come first anymore."

Leslie was more and more bewildered with every word Stephanie said. "I don't understand! I mean, sure, he was a mess when I saw him. There was a girl walking out of his apartment, someone he had obviously hooked up with the night before, and he was still drunk and he wasn’t very pleasant to converse with, but… I don't get it, Stephanie. This is _Ben_ we're talking about, how did he end up like this?"

"He just… he exploded. After your break up, he moved back here to Partridge for a fresh start and he said he was fine and I thought he was dealing with it okay, but he bottled everything up and then he just snapped, Leslie. He quit his job, started hooking up with anyone who had a pulse and then… then he started drinking." Stephanie sounded defeated, as she sank into the couch. She looked grim, like she was describing the death of Ben. And, Leslie supposed, it was. The death of the Ben she knew. 

"I thought he was having some sort of existential crisis because you weren’t together anymore, and I thought that he would get over it soon, like the end of any other relationship, but he didn't. I tried talking to him, I tried to convince him to go back to the job he loved, but he wouldn't listen. The only time he seemed like himself again was when he was around the girls. I invited him over, let him around my girls and hoped that he would figure it out and become Ben again." Stephanie sighed sadly. "Then one night, he suggested that Jake and I to go out for dinner for our anniversary. He convinced us to let him babysit, and I was sure everything would be alright, that a night with his nieces would settle him down, help him come to his senses."

Leslie felt a chill run down her spine. This story wasn't going to end well.

"Jake and I got home, and we heard the babies crying," Stephanie continued, and it was obvious that she was trying to control her anger, because her voice trembled slightly with every word. "Jake went to the girls and I found Ben passed out drunk on the couch. The room was a wreck, Leslie. There were empty bottles everywhere, and he was rambling about something setting him off. He lost control, Leslie, while taking care of my daughters. My infants had been screaming at the top of their lungs for who knows how long, and all he could muster is some bullshit excuse. What was I supposed to do? I kicked him out of the house, told him I didn't want him anywhere near my family until he got his act together, and I haven't seen him since. It broke my heart to do it, Leslie, but I can’t have that around my girls. I just can't."

They were silent for a few minutes. Stephanie had explained, and now she was allowing Leslie time to process this newfound information. She was finally beginning to see why everyone around Ben no longer spoke to him and why he was completely alone. It was still difficult for her to reconcile sweet, dorky Ben with who they all knew as Ben now. There were still so many blanks to fill in, Leslie knew that, and Stephanie hadn't answered every question she had, but at least she knew this much. It was something, and it was a start. Far more than anything Ben had offered up. 

"Did he sign those papers for you?" Stephanie asked at last, watching Leslie intently. It was clearly written on Stephanie’s face that she already knew the answer. Of course Ben hadn’t. 

Leslie shook her head. "No. He didn't even let me explain why I'm here."

Stephanie sighed once more and stood. It seemed like the conversation was over then. There wasn't much more they could say. "I'm sorry. I wish I could help you, but - "

"It's okay. I get it," Leslie smiled sadly at her, still grateful for the help. "I'll find a way to talk to him. He'll have to listen to me, one way or another."

Stephanie didn't look very convinced at all. "We’ll see about that."


	5. Chapter 5

Everything suddenly felt a million times more difficult than it had before.

The second visit to Stephanie's had left Leslie discouraged. She was beginning to accept that what she thought would be a quick trip to Partridge to get her divorce papers signed was now going to become a lengthier stay. Getting Ben to cooperate with her would require patience and a bit of time, and Leslie didn't seem to have either.

And still, she couldn't help but be worried about Ben. He had once been the center of her life, so it was natural to care this much, right? 

After what Stephanie had told her, she couldn't stop thinking about him. It may not have been the whole story, but Leslie was beginning to understand just how bad things with Ben really were. 

Was there anything she could do to help him? Would Ben even accept her help? What had happened to him? How had he gotten so lost, when it seemed he had such a bright future ahead of him? Leslie could have believed this from anyone else, but not Ben. Never Ben. Ben had always had as much drive and ambition as she did, and Leslie had been convinced that it was just a matter of time before Ben's name was the one she heard on the news, announcing a bid for Congress or Senate by now. After all, he had worked for years to rebuild his image and reputation in hopes of entering the political sphere again, but get it right this time. Knowing he not only hadn't made it, but had also lost everything, given up and ended up like this was too much. It hurt Leslie, even though she hadn't seen her ex-boyfriend in so long, and even when things hadn't ended very well between them. 

As much as she had hated Ben for what he did, she had never wished this for him. He wasn’t himself and seeing such lifeless eyes staring back at her was a dagger in the heart.

Leslie looked down at the planner she had opened on her lap. She really was running short on time. There was still so much to do for the wedding, and she needed to be back in Pawnee as soon as possible. Her email inbox was growing with messages from her colleagues but she couldn't bring himself to read any of them now. Her head was elsewhere, on Ben and Ben only. 

Wasn't this supposed to be an amazing, happy process too? Why did planning her wedding feel more like a duty, a task and a burden that she needed to get over with? This was her wedding, so why was it so hard to look at everything coming together and just smile and be happy?

All she could see was Ben Wyatt’s face.

Leslie stood at Ben's door once more, hours later when she felt like she could muster the courage again to face Ben. She had to take a deep breath before knocking, now aware of what she would find on the other side. She wanted Ben to sign the divorce papers, but she also wanted to talk to him, to learn more about him. She wanted Ben to fill in the blanks left by Stephanie's version of the story. 

This was Leslie Knope and she would be damned if she didn’t at least try.

Leslie knocked and stood very straight, head raised and body tight. She felt as if she was wearing armor, ready at the defense and she wouldn't let him see her sweat. Ben had broken her heart and years only felt like days now, and Leslie wanted to look strong in front of him, to be strong in front of him. She wanted to show him she had been able to get back on her feet and find happiness, even when she had felt like Ben had torn her life to pieces back then.

However, the door remained closed. Leslie knocked a few more times, but no one opened, or even acknowledged her presence. Maybe Ben wasn't home?

"Ben?" Leslie called anyway, stepping closer to the door. "Ben, it's Leslie. If you're there, please open up. We need to talk."

She tried the doorknob, but the door was locked. She sighed in frustration and pounded on the door a little harder. "Ben?"

When there was no response again, Leslie rested her forehead on the worn wood and closed her eyes. Why was this so difficult?

If you had asked her last week if she would be here, chasing around her ex-boyfriend in his hometown instead of home in Pawnee, planning her wedding, she would have said you were crazy.

She certainly _felt_ crazy right now. 

She opened her bag and grabbed her note pad and a pen. She quickly scribbled a note on it:

_Ben, please call me as soon as you see this. We need to talk. Please, it's important._

_Leslie._

She added her phone number again under her name for good measure, and then slipped the note under the door.

Leslie hated this, feeling like she had no power over the situation. She was a stranger to not having control, and this was _so_ out of her control. Everything, Leslie's entire future, was in Ben's hands. Nothing would have made her feel safer three years ago but now it only filled her with dread. Three years ago, she would have sworn she would love him until her dying day and now she wasn’t even sure this was the same person. 

She turned around and walked down the hallway, down the stairs and out of the building. She made sure her phone was not on silent. This was a call she couldn't afford to miss.

And still, there was nothing. Ben didn't call.

Of course Ben never called back. 

It was getting darker, and Leslie was now in front of Ben's building, again. The sun had gone down in the horizon. Leslie grabbed her wallet and fished for some money, and when she looked up to thank her driver, she saw Ben walking out of the building and starting to head down the street, lighting a cigarette as he strode further away from her.

Leslie gripped her bag and fled from the car, practically tripping on her own feet in her haste to reach Ben. He hadn't gotten very far, hadn't even reached the corner yet, but Leslie didn't want to risk missing him. She went a little faster, eyes glued to the back of Ben's head.

"Ben!"

Ben looked over his shoulder. His eyes were dark and fixed on Leslie for just a second, before rolling them, clearly irritated. "What do you want? I'm busy."

Leslie stopped in front of him. "I went to your apartment today - "

"Yep, I know. I saw the note," Ben said and then turned on his heels and continued walking as if Leslie hadn't even spoken.

"Wait!" Leslie huffed, annoyed. "I meant what I said. I really need to talk to you, Ben. Can we go back to your apartment?"

"No," Ben replied, looking ahead and pushing his way through a group of people gathered together in the corner. Leslie apologized and pushed past them too, afraid she might lose Ben if she wasn't quick enough.

"Ben!" Leslie’s voice had a warning now. She was more than fed up and she was done wasting her time.

"I'm going somewhere. I can't talk now," Ben explained vaguely, sounding just as exasperated as she felt. “I don’t have time for this shit.”

"It won't take long. It can take five minutes, if you just shut up and listen," Leslie insisted, taking a few strides until she could put herself in front of Ben, effectively blocking him. "Please. I wouldn't bother you if it wasn't important. You know that."

Ben didn't look at her. His eyes, so dark and dull, were set on a point over her shoulder. His lips were pursed, showing how displeased he was with this. Leslie had time to take a good look at him. His hair was longer and wilder, beard unkempt and cigarette hanging from his lips. No skinny tie, no plaid shirt, no playful smile, no adoring eyes staring back at her. 

She supposed she had changed over the last few years too, but Ben… this wasn’t him.

Or at least, not the Ben she remembered. That Ben was gone, replaced with this new but broken Ben. She had killed the old version of him in her attempt to heal and move on, and it had killed her just the same. 

Ben grunted. "Fine. You can come along, if you want."

He didn't wait for Leslie to respond. He simply began walking again, barreling across the intersection, in spite of the red hand instructing them to wait. Leslie followed, raising her hands in apology at the driver who blasted his horn at her impatiently.

"Can't you slow down?" Leslie asked, stepping beside him at last, and glaring at him.

Ben didn't acknowledge her. He ignored her, and Leslie realized it would be absolutely pointless to try to start a conversation before arriving wherever Ben seemed to be headed.

They turned another corner, and Ben stepped inside the door to a bar. Leslie frowned before following him in. This place was small, dark and seedy. Not at all a place she would be caught dead and yet here she was.

"I - can't we go somewhere else?" Leslie asked hesitantly. 

"Nope," Ben replied, already taking a stool at the bar. "I like it here."

Leslie thought of their nights at the Snakehole Lounge. That tacky little hole of a club on the outskirts of Pawnee seemed almost glamorous now in comparison to this place. She still held her head high and took the stool next to Ben's, as the bartender handed Ben a beer and he dropped a few dollar bills onto the counter. Leslie shook her head when the man looked at her, as if waiting for her to order. Leslie didn't dare drink anything here.

"When you said you were busy, I assumed you had something actually important to do, instead of coming to this… place," Leslie muttered, gesturing around the bar. 

"Stop being such a snob and have a drink," Ben said angrily. He leaned over the bar and called for the barback. "Hey, get her a beer, would you?"

"No, no! _No_ beer for me, thank you!" Leslie said, but the man ignored her and placed a bottle in front of her. Leslie tried to protest, but it was useless. "I - okay."

It wasn’t a sugary drink like she preferred, but if drinking it in compliance would get Ben to talk to her, she was game. 

Ben took a long swig out of his beer, without saying anything, and finally looked at her, just as Leslie wrapped her hand around her own bottle, thinking that just a little sip wouldn't hurt, just so she wouldn't look like a snob, as Ben had so kindly put it. She could feel Ben's eyes on her as she raised the bottle to her lips and as the taste flooded her mouth, she remembered why she usually preferred something sweeter.

"You're engaged?"

The question was so sudden, it startled Leslie. She glanced at Ben and saw his gaze was fixed on the hand she was using to hold the bottle, the one with her engagement ring. Shiny and sparkling, Leslie knew it was hard to miss. She didn't notice how strained Ben's voice sounded but simply sighed in relief at having an opportunity to broach the topic so soon.

"Yes," Leslie nodded, as a little smile slipped onto her lips. Ben's eyes went back to his own drink. "The wedding's in a few weeks. It’s um… it’s Dave, I think you remember him? We've been together for a few years now, since he transferred back to Pawnee and took Trumple’s job. He's really great." Leslie cleared her throat, getting ready for the inevitable. "I – well, that's the reason I'm here, actually. You probably won't believe it – I mean, know I had trouble believing it when I found out, but when we went to get our marriage license last week, I found out something pretty crazy."

Ben spun his stool, now facing the group of people dancing and the ones sitting at the tables by the opposite wall.

Leslie didn't let Ben's silence discourage her. She had momentum now. "Ben, I - I don't know how it happened, not for sure at least, but I do have a pretty good guess, but I… Well, we're married. You and I."

Ben didn't even move. His dark eyes were sweeping through the crowd that had been thickening slightly since they had arrived.

Leslie bit her lip. "I guess it happened in Las Vegas, when we were both there for Chris and Ann's wedding parties? I really can't remember much from that weekend, but it's the only occasion we've been together in a few years, and the dates seem to match, so…"

God, Leslie needed him to say something. Why wasn’t he saying anything?

Leslie swallowed hard and rummaged in her bag, ready to get Ben to sign those papers so they could go their separate ways. It was obvious that Ben wasn't in the mood for conversation, particularly this one. She couldn't keep trying to get through to a man who clearly didn't want anything to do with her. She needed to go back to Pawnee.

"I know this is sudden and you probably have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, but I need you to sign these - " Leslie stopped talking, papers halfway out of her bag, and looked at Ben in confusion as he stood and walked away from the bar, straight towards the group of people dancing. "Ben?" 

She was ignored again, and watched as Ben leaned close to a woman with dark hair who was sitting at a table. The woman's eyes lit up and a smirk formed on her lips as Ben whispered in her ear. Whatever he was saying seemed to have the desired effect, because the stranger stood and wrapped her arm around Ben's waist. Ben guided her to the other side of the bar, away from Leslie, and she pressed her lips to Ben's.

Leslie turned away and drank a long swig of her beer. What the hell was Ben doing? Had he even listened to what she had just told him? She hadn't expected Ben to burst into tears when he found out they were married, but she hadn't expected total indifference either. She had expected a reaction, anything at all. But Ben was giving her nothing. 

He couldn't just pretend it wasn't happening and maybe he didn't give a damn, but Leslie sure did. Leslie wanted to get married, and she didn't have time to wait around for Ben to get his head out of his ass. 

Setting the beer down abruptly on the bar, Leslie glanced back at the far side of the bar where Ben and the mystery woman sat. They were hot and heavy now, and one of Ben's thighs was between the woman's legs, not caring that they were in a very public place.

And she was just _done_.

Leslie stood and marched towards Ben with a determined and furious look on her face. God, she _hated_ this new Ben. Whoever he had become, made Leslie ache for the sweet, loving man she had once fallen so desperately in love with. It was such a tragic loss, if this was what her Ben decided he wanted to be. She cursed his name and she wished she could just walk away and forget she had ever seen him like this, but she knew she couldn't. She couldn't go back to Dave without getting divorced first. She was stuck here until Ben Wyatt listened to her, and _oh_ , Leslie would _make_ him listen.

She grabbed Ben's arm and tugged, hard, pulling him apart from the other woman. She stood between them and shot the stranger a murderous look. "Beat it."

She must have looked particularly intimidating, because the woman raised her hands as if in apology and immediately scurried off and got lost amongst all the others in the bar. Leslie turned to Ben then, ready to rip him a new one.

"Hey!" Ben exclaimed. "I was gonna fuck that!"

This wasn't her Ben. Her Ben was lost, buried, gone forever. He was dead, and here she was, at the wake. But Leslie didn't have time to feel sad for her loss, because she was beyond pissed and so, so over this.

Once again, she grabbed Ben's arm and hauled him through the crowd towards the door, ignoring his protests. She hadn't realized how stuffy the air was inside the bar, until she pushed the door open and exited, feeling the cool breeze on her face.

She pushed Ben against the wall, not hard enough to bruise, but hard enough to make him pay attention and stepped closer to him, pressing a hand against his chest to keep him there. Leslie Knope could be the most patient of women, but she had reached her limit. "You're going to listen to me whether you want to or not, Ben Wyatt! You're going to listen to me and then you can go back inside and fuck that girl, or whoever else you want! But first, I want you to stop being an ass for five minutes, grab a fucking pen and sign the goddamn divorce papers so I can go back to Pawnee and marry my fiancé!"

Ben's eyes were boiling with emotion now, and Leslie knew he was about to spill over. He slapped Leslie's hand away from him and then closed his fingers around Leslie's wrist, tightening his grip there slightly and backed her against the wall instead, crowding close and almost pressing their foreheads together. Leslie could feel his breath against her skin. "Do not touch me, Knope. Leave me the fuck alone."

Those words made Leslie freeze. Ben had provoked an almost endless array of feelings in her over the years, but never fear like this. Her breath hitched in her throat, and she wondered if she had pushed far enough that Ben would actually hurt her. She didn’t think so, but she didn’t really know Ben anymore. She hated that she thought Ben might be capable of hurting her.

Ben was breathing heavily. His eyes were wide and his whole body was shaking, like he was trying really hard to control himself and just couldn't find the strength to do it. Leslie's face must have been priceless and she could feel the color draining from her cheeks, and she was sure she was as pale as ghost.

Ben let go of her abruptly and took a step back. He lowered his head for a moment, and then simply turned and walked away quickly, in the direction of his apartment. A couple walking by actually moved out of his way, willed away with the force of his anger, and Leslie stared at him until he got lost around the corner, disappearing from her sight.

She didn’t have the will to go after him and she didn’t know if she ever would now.

\-----------------------

_Why did she have to get so close? I can't deal with her when she does that, I can't control myself when she's so close to me._

_I just wanted to kiss her. One kiss, just one kiss._

_God, it hurts. It hurts so much. It'll never stop hurting._

_She's engaged. Of course she's engaged._

_You just keep fucking everything up, Ben. Now she hates you even more than she already did._

_Why, goddammit, why did she have to get so close?_

Ben Wyatt slammed the door to his apartment closed and didn't bother to turn on a light. He was used to the darkness surrounding him. He was drunk on liquor, drunk on the pain, drunk on Leslie Knope.

And he liked it that way.


	6. Chapter 6

_Do not touch me, Knope. Leave me the fuck alone._

Leslie stared up at the ceiling in her hotel room, silent and still completely shaken from what she had witnessed from Ben. He was different, sure, but this was _different_. Memories from when they were together in Pawnee seemed to choke her as she lay there, trying to make some sense of what she had seen. How had Ben Wyatt, _her_ Ben Wyatt, fallen so far from grace?

But she supposed he wasn’t hers anymore.

It was a painful, throbbing burning in her chest. She’d always been an idealist and this was less than ideal. She realized that the memories she had managed to save after the break up were crumbling before her eyes now, so many years later. It was hard accepting that this man, the one that had made her reach for the stars without ever dulling her shine, was gone and wouldn't come back. The man that stood in his place wasn't even a shadow of the Ben that Leslie had known and loved. He was a stranger, and Leslie couldn't even recognize the same eyes.

More than ever, Leslie wanted to be back in Pawnee. She wanted her civic duties and government responsibilities to erase her worries, to ease her mind, to distract her from this. She wanted to forget this world that Ben resided in now existed, to forget this city, where she'd found only disappointment and sadness. She didn't want to be here. She wanted to put Ben behind her again. What a cruel universe that played tricks on her, forcing them back together like this, cutting wounds open that had already healed fine. Now she was bleeding again, and this would leave new scars.

But how could she go back to Pawnee? Just thinking of facing Ben again made her sick, but she knew going back without signed divorce papers wouldn’t do. She had a life waiting for her in Pawnee and fuck, that life was currently in limbo. She needed – no, _wanted_ \- to get divorced.

Leslie let out a shuddery breath. She just hoped that the ghosts that were joining her during this trip would stay in Partridge once she was finally able to leave. She didn't need them following her around, haunting her in such a ghostly scene.

Everything had changed.

Leslie closed her eyes, shifted onto her side and hugged her pillow to her chest, burying her face there. She felt defeated, spent and more than a little homesick. But she wouldn’t let herself cry. She couldn’t. She had already cried over Ben far too much for one lifetime and she would be damned if she was going to start again.

No, she would soldier on like she always did. She had to.

Ben had been part of her past for a very long time now, and that's exactly where Leslie needed him to stay.

And that's why she was waiting now, sitting on the floor of Ben's apartment building and hoping for some kind of miracle.

With her fingers wrapped around a cup of coffee, Leslie waited. She closed her eyes and inhaled the aroma, with her back against the wall.

She was ready for all of it to be over. And there was only one way to finish it.

Once this was over, she would be able to put all of her time and effort back into her dream wedding. For now, there was only Ben.

Unpredictable, explosive Ben, with the empty eyes and no emotion, none of the character he had before. He was broken now, and Leslie did take pity on him, but there was nothing she could do. If his own sister couldn't help him, then Leslie had no chance at all. Their paths had taken different turns a very long time ago and Leslie couldn't force herself back into Ben's life and save him. It was a lost cause, and she couldn’t save someone who didn’t want to be saved.

The door next to her opened and someone exited the apartment. Leslie looked up, startled, and found Ben, standing there and looking down at her. Something was different from the last time she had seen him – he seemed just as tired as Leslie felt.

Leslie wasn't sure what to say. Ben had to know why she was there. She held her breath with pregnant pause, because she knew it was only a matter of seconds before Ben would tell her to get the hell away, and then maybe Leslie could… could what? Beg? Grovel? Plead? If it came to it, Leslie would. She needed that signature. If Ben wanted to get rid of her, that was the fastest way to achieve it.

But then Ben, once again, shocked her into oblivion. "Are you hungry?"

Leslie blinked up at him, completely baffled, and it took her a few seconds to realize she had to actually answer. "Yes, I could eat."

She scrambled to her feet while Ben locked his apartment door, picked up her empty cup, and followed him wordlessly.

Like that night when they had gone to the bar, Leslie followed Ben, but this time Ben's pace was slower and easier to keep up with. Leslie was uncomfortable and wished she could break the silence between them. But she didn’t know what to say to him. Silences between them had never been uncomfortable, always filled with significant glances and smiles. They had been so connected that words weren't necessary, even before they were together. They had always been on the same page, but now she was fidgeting because of the need to say something, _anything_.

This wasn’t the silence that only came when two people understood each other. This was agonizing and she wished more than anything that she could be somewhere else.

This time Ben guided her to a small diner on the outskirts of town, the air thick with the stench of greasy food. Ben slumped into a booth and Leslie took the seat opposite his, looking around and imagining JJ’s Diner instead.

Oh, how she wished that she was in Pawnee and that this was JJ’s Diner.

Before she had time to find something to say to Ben, a waitress stopped by their table and looked down at Ben. "Hey, Wyatt. You want your usual?"

Ben nodded without paying much attention to her, and then he turned to Leslie, looking her up and down. "Well, would you look at this. You brought another one. What are you going to have, blondie?"

Leslie blinked stupidly. _Another one?_ What did that mean? How many were there? Leslie shook her head – she had seen one girl coming out of Ben's apartment and then she had witnessed Ben trying to pick up another the following night. She didn't need the exact number. She _knew_. "I'll have the same as him."

When she was gone, Leslie cleared her throat and turned back to Ben, who wasn't looking at her. "So, um, what did I order exactly?"

"Calzones," Ben shrugged and started playing with a napkin. His shoulders were hunched and he looked tired, so tired. She had expected at least a smile, a smirk to let her know that somewhere deep down, the old Ben remembered just how much they had loved arguing over her hate for calzones and his undying love for them.

But there was nothing. 

_I know something is wrong when Ben Wyatt won’t even crack a smile ordering calzones for me._

He looked ready to give up, to give in, and this was the moment she had been waiting for. He was playing games with her, but it was time for him to fold and walk away from the table.

The waitress was back with their food shortly after, and they still hadn't been able to find a way to begin the conversation they needed to have. Ben seemed reluctant to talk or even make eye contact with her, but Leslie was determined to settle this today, once and for all. She was going to make this happen.

Ben devoured his food voraciously, as if he hadn't eaten in weeks, like a starved child. Leslie chewed her food a little slower, trying to drag this out a little bit longer. But she needed to do it. "Look, Ben, I - I know this is weird. I know it's sudden and very, very awkward, but we really need to talk. I didn't have much time to process this either – I only found out last Thursday, when Dave and I went to get our marriage license. It was… shocking, to say the least, but I'm running on a tight schedule now and the wedding's this month. I… well, I just made a few educated guesses, I think. I'm pretty sure it happened during Chris and Ann’s wedding parties, because that's the only time we have seen each other in the last few years, and it was Las Vegas, so it would have been really easy for it to happen but I don't remember much from that weekend – just a lot of alcohol and a killer headache."

She paused, giving Ben the chance to say something, but Ben remained quiet, with his head lowered and his eyes fixed on his food, as if he had never encountered anything as fascinating as another meal consisting of calzones.

"I _need_ to get back to Pawnee. I wish I could give you more time to understand what's going on here, but I need to finish organizing the wedding and I need to go back to my office before heads start rolling - " Leslie massaged her temples and pressed on. "I'm sure you'll be relieved to get this over with too. I mean… I'm not entirely familiar with your current situation, but a surprise wife isn't something ideal, is it? So…" Leslie grabbed the divorce papers from her bag and a pen. She put them on the table. "It's just a signature, and then I'll be out of your hair. I promise, you won't have to see me again."

She slowly pushed the papers with the pen on top across the table toward Ben.

Leslie could feel her heart thumping against her chest, adrenaline coursing through her veins as she waited for Ben to _do something_. God, this could be over so, so soon. It was just a quick little scrawl on the line. A tiny scribble of his name over the papers in the right spot, and everything would be past tense for them, not present tense, and she could get to her future.

Leslie practically cried out in relief when Ben grabbed the pen and glanced over the papers, reading them vaguely. He clicked the pen a few times, the sound of it barely making it to Leslie's ears amidst the noise of the diner and all of the thoughts racing through her mind, while her other hand gripped the edge of the table so tightly that her knuckles were beginning to turn white. And then – finally - he positioned the pen over the line.

Leslie held her breath. _This is it._

But then Ben exhaled shakily and looked up at her for the first time since he had come out of his apartment. Leslie was suddenly struck by how expressive his eyes looked now - they weren't dull anymore, but filled with conflicting emotions. There was something there, finally, not just emptiness now. She couldn’t read them exactly.

"I…" Ben hesitated. He swallowed with difficulty and tried again. He looked vulnerable and small, curled in on himself like a small, scared child. "I… do you know what date it is today?"

Leslie frowned, confused. What did that have to do with anything? "I’m not - "

"It's May 1st," Ben replied in a low, almost timid voice. And Leslie knew it was taking him every ounce of strength he had to utter the words. "This was the day that the Indiana State House gave us letters telling us where our next assignment was. Four years ago today, Chris and I came to Pawnee."

Leslie didn't know what to say. She hadn't thought of this day in so long. The last few times she had thought about Ben, she had only remembered heartbreak, pain, the feeling of being alone when she thought she wasn’t. How had she forgotten _this_ day? How did Ben remember it so clearly?

Ben's head jerked back down to stare at the papers, as if ashamed to bring it up, especially when Leslie didn't seem to remember it. When Leslie remained silent, he continued.

“You know… today was the day I met you and you called me a cold, callous jerk,” Ben’s voice was no more than a hoarse whisper as he brought his eyes back up to meet hers again. “I guess I lived up to that, didn’t I?”

And there it was. His eyes. The first sign of emotion in them and they were no longer empty, but hurt. Just hurt. She’d wished for him to show emotion since she had arrived, but those eyes added so much insult to injury.

She wanted to look away, because they were burning into her and she just couldn’t take the heat of this moment, but she held his gaze. He was _hurt_ and she couldn’t help him. She wasn’t his now, and he wasn't hers, and she had no business doing anything other than what she came here to do. She had to remember that, and so she steeled herself, looking away from his eyes and down at his hands. The hand holding the pen that was poised over the paper shook, and Leslie could visibly see him struggle to just sign them.

Fuck, this was so wrong. And Leslie knew she would hate herself for stepping back when she was _so close_ , but she would've hated herself more for doing this now, when it was so evident Ben couldn’t bring himself to put ink to paper.

She put her hand over the papers and took the pen out of Ben's hand. She couldn't ask him to do it. Not like this, not now. Ben looked up, startled by her sudden rescue. "I guess I can wait one more day. At this point, it won't make much of a difference."

Ben swallowed again, as if trying to get rid of a lump stuck in his throat. "Okay.”

Maybe Ben had changed a lot in the last few years, but he was still transparent when he needed a moment to regroup. She knew what he needed. She always had.

Now she had lost her appetite. God, if Dave found out what she had just done, he would be livid. She could have gone back to Pawnee tonight. She could have been home. 

But no. She couldn't do it. It wouldn't be right for her to do this today, of all days. That memory was one of the few things that time and heartbreak hadn't been able to taint. She wouldn't erase it with a divorce.

Ben’s eyes were empty and dull again, but he looked smaller, as if he was trying to be invisible, hunched in on himself. A flash of emotion, and then he was gone again. He dropped a few dollar bills on the table, standing up on wobbly legs. "I should go."

"Ben, I - "

"It's fine," Ben interrupted, as if he could guess what Leslie wanted to say and didn't dare. _You remember this date better than I do. You must still care, you must still be Ben. He’s in there somewhere, isn’t he? Why did you give up? What happened to you? Why did you let it all go?_ "Well... I'll see you around then."

Leslie nodded, unable to find the words to say everything she was so desperate to say and Ben turned around to walk outside. But then Leslie impulsively put her hand on his arm and stopped him. Ben froze and then before she could even register what she was doing, before she could stop herself, Leslie was tugging him into her arms, forgetting about how different Ben was, how she wished he was the same, and how she wished she could rewind time and hold the old Ben and not this new one. She gripped him so tightly that Ben could barely breathe, but she didn’t loosen her hold on him. His arms hung limply at his sides, stunned by Leslie's sudden closeness.

She just wanted to hold him, to let him know that everything was going to be okay. She knew that maybe she had crossed a line, that maybe she shouldn’t be doing this with him because she had a fiancé, but it was just a hug, right? A hug between two people who had once shared everything and this was all too familiar for her. It felt the same as it had when she had hugged him at the Harvest Festival, and it only made her cling to him tighter, reveling in the feel of him beneath her fingertips as they dug into his back.

And then, very slowly, his arms moved up and circled Leslie's back, clinging to her as if his whole life depended on it. Her face nestled in the crook of Ben's neck, fitting there exactly the same way as it had fit so many years ago. Leslie felt him exhale a shaky breath against her skin.

Ben didn't let go. It was Leslie who had to step out of the hug, with a little smile on her lips, something to assauge the situation. Ben's eyes averted immediately, clearly embarrassed by his momentary lapse of reason, walls starting to close in around him again. He wrapped his arms around himself, unsure what to do with them and his face was unreadable to her now.

Leslie watched him with bated breath for just another second, hoping he would say something to her, to maybe revert back to how he was. But he didn’t. He was closed off again, and all she wanted in that moment was to open him back up again, pull him to her again, show him that she cared. She wanted to take his pain and hurt away, but she stepped back from him instead, knowing that was a better choice than touching him again. 

"Take care, Ben.”

She didn't look back over her shoulder, but she knew Ben was still there, watching her go.


	7. Chapter 7

A few annoyed residents of Pawnee turned to glare at her as Ann Perkins pushed her stroller down the street. She was thinking about stopping to buy Chris lunch at his favorite vegan place, when her phone rang. She stopped abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk - a few people muttered under their breaths, but she ignored them completely - and answered the call with a smile when she realized who was calling.

"Oh, Leslie! Hi!" Ann exclaimed happily. "I was going to call you later and ask you if you were free for lunch. I'm near your office, actually. Oliver and I are enjoying a nice walk in Pawnee. I’m going to an orientation later in Eagleton for this preschool for Oliver later. One of my coworkers recommended it for babies and toddlers. Chris and I want Oliver to be immersed in music and art and language and all that from a very early age, you know, and they have this great little program for babies his age that - "

"Ann," Leslie finally managed to interrupt. "You’re so beautiful and wonderful, but _please_ stop talking."

Ann frowned. She knew that tone of voice. "What's wrong? Is Jamm getting on your nerves again? Chris could stay with Oliver tonight and we could go out for a few drinks, if you need to vent."

"I can't," Leslie replied tiredly. "I'm in Minnesota."

Ann startled and came to another abrupt stop just as she turned the corner. "What? What are you doing there?"

“Chris didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

There was a coffee shop across the street, so Ann drove the stroller in that direction, and sat at a table near the door. Leslie started talking a mile a minute and it took some time for Ann to actually process what she was saying.

"Wait," Ann cut her off after Leslie had been rambling on for about ten minutes. "You… are married to Ben. Ben Wyatt."

"Of course, Ben Wyatt! What other Ben could it possibly be?" Leslie exclaimed in frustration.

"And you went to Partridge to get him to sign some divorce papers.”

"Yes. And I almost succeeded yesterday, but I backed off because…" Leslie paused. "May 1st. That was… that was the day that Chris and Ben came to Pawnee, Ann. I didn't even remember and - "

"And he did?" Ann asked just as Oliver woke up in the stroller. She maneuvered him out until she could get to her baby and bounced him in her arms to keep him calm.

"He's… he's not okay, Ann. I… there's so much I need to tell you. Do you have time?"

"Of course I do," Ann replied. "Just give me one minute to get Oliver's bottle ready."

Once she had her latte and Oliver was happily suckling on his bottle, nestled in his mother's arms, Leslie began to tell her everything, from the moment she had visited Stephanie's house, to the first encounter with Ben, to the moment outside of the bar and their lunch. Ann listened with rapt attention, never interrupting.

"I can't believe this," Ann muttered at last, once Leslie was done telling her everything. "How is this possible? Ben was… well, he was Ben and now he's not doing anything with his life?"

"No. It's like… it's like he's stuck," Leslie said. "Why would he throw his life away like this, Ann? I just can't understand what happened to him… and I'm a little afraid to ask him."

"From what you're telling me, I doubt he'd tell you much anyway," Ann put her cup down on the table and lifted Oliver to pat his back until he burped.

There was a moment of silence that stretched thin between them, until finally Leslie admitted, "I want to help him."

"Oh Leslie," Ann whispered sadly. She had known that Leslie would say something like this. Leslie had to fix what was broken, it was just her nature. "How would you help him? You've just said it yourself – he's not the person you knew. And if his own sister couldn't help him, then - "

"So, what do I do? Do I just leave him here on his own? What's going to happen to him, Ann?" Leslie's voice rose, the frustration in it clear to hear.

"You can't stay in Minnesota forever. What would you do? Bring him back to Pawnee with you? I don't think your fiancé would be very happy about that," Ann pointed out. She smiled down at her son, who was giving her a toothless grin. "What does Dave say about all of this, anyway?"

"Well, he's… becoming impatient," Leslie answered with a groan. "I can't blame him, but he just doesn't get it. I know I need to get this over with and go back, but… it's Ben, Ann. How can I just walk away from him like this?"

And that was the problem, Ann knew. Leslie had never been able to walk away from Ben. After the break up, it had taken her months – shit, even years – to finally stop hurting and flinching every time someone mentioned her ex-boyfriend or whenever a song that reminded her of him played on the radio. His name had been banned permanently, and Ann was pretty sure that ban still stuck.

She couldn't deny it; she was worried about her best friend. Even though she had sided with Leslie after the break up, she couldn't help feeling bad for Ben at the same time. Yes, he had broken Leslie’s heart and that was horrible, but…

But Ann was also inevitably concerned about Leslie, because she had managed to build a life she was happy with, and she was on her way to marrying a guy who loved her, but if there was one person who could topple Leslie's carefully reconstructed life back into chaos, that person was Ben Wyatt. And if Leslie stayed in Partridge and tried to help him, it was only a matter of time before Ben made a dent in her heart that Ann wouldn't be able to fix.

For the rest of the day, Ann's words played over and over again in Leslie's head. _Leslie, don't be silly. If you're so worried, just talk to Stephanie again. Or come back to Pawnee and ask Chris to help Ben. You know he'll do it gladly, but… you know it's not a good idea, for you to get involved._

Leslie cursed herself for being this foolish, because the next morning, she was back at Ben's apartment, carrying two cups of coffee, and with one huge difference that marked the line between doing what she had come here to do and getting involved.

She had left the divorce papers on the bed before leaving her hotel room.

Today wasn't about Leslie. Today was about finding out how she could help Ben. Even if she couldn't save him completely, she wanted to at least push him in the right direction.

This had the potential to go very, very wrong.

Leslie entered the building and walked up the stairs, wondering what she would find once Ben opened the door… if he opened the door at all. If Ben went back to avoiding her, she had absolutely no idea what to do next.

However, Leslie had nothing to worry about, because the door opened less than a minute after Leslie had knocked on it. The sight in front of her made her inhale sharply.

Ben stood before her with only a towel wrapped low around his waist. His stubble had grown into a full beard now, and his hair was a messy mop on top of his head. Leslie couldn't stop her eyes from trailing down to notice the muscles in his arms and abs. The dip in his hips was still as pronounced as Leslie remembered it, but the cute and soft belly Ben had had back when he lived in Pawnee was gone. He was compact, strong and sinewy, with a tight body. 

_Fuck. Okay, eyes up, Leslie. You have a fiancé._

"Oh, hi," Ben said, and the tone in his voice didn't give anything away. If he was surprised or annoyed to see Leslie again, he didn't show it.

"Hi," Leslie answered numbly. She cleared her throat and looked up at Ben's face instead of elsewhere on his body. "I - I brought you coffee."

"Um, thanks. I was about to get in the shower," Ben looked over his shoulder at his apartment, hesitantly. "Would you… would you like to come in?"

"Sure," Leslie nodded with a smile, and then Ben moved aside to let her in.

"I'll be right back," Ben murmured, before exiting through the only other door.

Ben's apartment was small and cluttered, though he didn't seem to own much. There was a punching bag hanging from the ceiling in a corner, a kitchenette, some old books lined up on a dresser, and a bed against the wall under the only window. The sheets were crumpled, as if Ben had just rolled out and didn't even bother straightening it up. There was a group of empty beer bottles on the floor by the bed, left there carelessly, and one half empty on the bedside table.

Leslie started picking up the bottles by the bed, but something caught her attention. There was a photograph on the bedside table. It was old and wrinkled, as if it had been touched repeatedly, moved and handled too often. Leslie's breath hitched in her throat as her own face stared back at her, smiling and happy. She remembered this picture, the same picture she had picked up from the box in her closet only days ago: the picture Jerry had taken of them at Harvest Festival, an exact replica of the one she kept stowed away. Their arms were around each other and they were… they were happy. Free, happy and in love, even if they didn’t quite know it yet. The smile on Ben's face was so bright, it could've stopped the world from spinning. His eyes were wrinkled with it, full of the kind of joy they always felt when they were together.

It tugged at Leslie's heart strings, looking at that picture, because she knew how much pain came soon after. Why did Ben have it? Did he keep it around or was this just a coincidence? No, she couldn’t do this now, couldn’t walk herself back down that road, and she didn't dare bring it up to Ben. She swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth and decided to put it away, because she couldn't deal with it, and she didn't want to look at the smiling faces of two people who didn't exist anymore.

She opened the top drawer of the bedside table, which had been already half closed, but she immediately wished she hadn't.

There was a flask and an assortment of orange pill bottles. Leslie was afraid to touch them and didn't even want to think about them, but at the same time… at the same time, she needed to know. She grabbed one of the pill bottles and read the label. It belonged to someone else, a name that wasn’t Ben Wyatt, whoever it was, containing some sort of painkiller. Some bottles had pills missing and some were full. Had Ben been taking these pills? Where had he gotten them? They were strong painkillers, why would he…?

Leslie dropped everything back into the drawer and closed it with shaky hands, letting herself drop down onto the bed, because her legs wouldn't support her any longer. God, how could this be happening? Everything was so fucked up. Had she actually thought she could help Ben with a cup of coffee and friendly conversation? This was so beyond anything she had the capacity to do.

The bathroom door opened and Ben exited, already in a pair of pants, but without a shirt on. He rummaged in a wooden dresser for a moment, and put on a simple short sleeve shirt, in that shade of navy blue that had always looked good on him. His hair was damp and not styled and as Leslie looked at him, she couldn't help but wonder if Ben had had any pills before she had arrived, if those beers had been accompanied with a pill or two, if he was actually trying to hurt himself on purpose. Should she mention it? Should she ask Ben about it?

"Is the coffee still good? I could stick it in the microwave, if you want," Ben offered, drawing Leslie from her dizzying thoughts.

_This is not the time. You didn't even process what you saw yet. You can't just blurt something out like this._

"I think it's fine," Leslie muttered, pasting a smile on her face and getting up to get her cup. She took a sip. It wasn't scalding, but it was still hot enough.

"So, um," Ben played with his own cup between his hands. "I guess you're here so I can sign those papers."

"No, not today," Leslie said and Ben's eyes widened slightly in surprise. "You know, it's my first time in Partridge, and I would like to see more than my hotel and your apartment. Would you mind giving me a little tour?"

Ben seemed completely baffled. "You want me to take you sightseeing around the city?"

"Well, yes. I mean, if you're busy, then nevermind, I can go on my own or we can do it tomorrow, maybe, but… I would like that." God, she was babbling. Was she babbling? She couldn't stop the words from just pouring out of her mouth. She drank more coffee to shut herself up.

"No, I'm not busy," Ben blinked, still looking at her in confusion. "Are you sure? Because… I know I'm probably the only person you know in this town, but - "

"Ben, come on," Leslie rolled her eyes playfully. "I wouldn't ask you if I didn't want to spend time with you."

Silence. Absolute and deafening silence. Leslie was worried that she had said the wrong thing, that he would shut down and curl himself away again, but didn't know if taking it back wouldn't just make things worse, so she simply bit her lip and waited for Ben to react, to say something, anything.

Ben looked down at his coffee. His hands were gripping it so tightly that the paper cup was giving in under the pressure, but he stopped himself before he broke it and spilled coffee all over himself. "Okay."

Leslie smiled genuinely now. She bounced a little on her heels. _Yes, this is something._ "Okay."

They got an Uber together, Leslie staring out the window, so she could look at the city as they moved through traffic at a gentle pace. She had been so busy and worried since arriving in Partridge that she hadn't taken the time to appreciate it. It didn't look too different from any other cities Leslie had been to – Partridge was on the smaller side like Pawnee was - though it seemed a million times brighter here, as if the sun couldn't stop shining over the buildings.

Ben pointed out a few places vaguely as they passed by, and Leslie started wondering if his idea of a tour was just travelling around town in an Uber, because it didn't look like Ben had any intention of allowing Leslie to see the places they passed any closer.

When they passed by City Hall, Leslie cleared her throat awkwardly. Maybe this had been a bad idea. Maybe Ben just wanted to pretend he was showing her around and do it as quickly as possible so he could ditch her.

"Um, aren't we going to go take a closer look at City Hall? I'd really like a picture of it. You know, small town government and all.”

Ben scratched the back of his neck, unsure and hesitant. "I was planning to show you something else, but we can go there if - "

"Oh!" Leslie exclaimed immediately. "No, no! It's okay. If you have a destination in mind, then we should go there."

"Are you sure?" Ben suddenly seemed very uncomfortable, and Leslie wished she had kept her mouth shut. She hated steamrolling, she really, really did. 

"I'm one hundred percent sure," Leslie smiled at him and looked back out the window when that seemed to make Ben fidget too. "Are you going to tell me where we are going?"

"Well, you’re here in Partridge, and there is one thing you can't miss when you are in town," Ben explained. He checked his cell phone. "It's still relatively early, so it shouldn't be too crowded."

Leslie was soon distracted looking out her window again. There was something magical about being in a completely new place and taking in the views, the shops, the people. She wished she travelled more often, for better reasons too, and left her hometown. There were so many places in the world that she still hadn't seen… hell, there were tons of places in her own country that she didn't know. Maybe the honeymoon would be a good first step. Maybe she and Dave could go on vacation more often. 

She was so lost in thought that she hadn't noticed that the Uber had stopped, and Ben was opening his door and getting out. She followed him quickly so she wouldn't be left behind and once they were safely on the sidewalk, she looked around.

"Where are we?"

"Come with me.”

The traffic and the crowded city seemed to be left behind as they walked, surrounded by a few people, toward a building sitting on a hill. The air buzzed with the conversations carried out by those who surrounded them and Leslie couldn’t help but feel inexplicably alive.

"What is this place?" Leslie asked, shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand so she could look up at it.

"It's the observatory," Ben replied, pointing at a sign near the entrance. 

"Oh! Are we going to look at the stars this time of day?"

"Not exactly." 

They ended up near a row of telescopes. The view from the open building was beautiful, green trees lining the skyline nestled in the surrounding hills. It took Leslie's breath away. 

“Oh, Ben, this…"

"Now look out here," Ben murmured from her side and Leslie turned her head and found herself being guided by Ben to look out of the farthest telescope, out into the great wonders of Minnesota and the land that adorned it. "If you're here, you have to see all of the parks through this telescope. It captures all of them in the state from this height and you can see every single one from this angle."

Leslie leaned against the railing and simply stared at it. "Ben… this is beautiful."

"Yeah," Ben whispered absently. "I just… I know how much you love state parks and I had to show you this while you’re here."

“This is amazing,” Leslie breathed in awe. “You know, I try to get Dave to go to the parks with me, but he’s just not as into them as I am.”

Leslie stopped talking when she realized how abruptly Ben's body language had changed. He had been open and relaxed just a second ago, but with the mention of Leslie's fiancé, his back straightened up and he tensed.

They were silent for a minute, awkward tension cutting through the air, waiting for something to shift between them so they could go back to the easy conversation. Leslie thought about how nice it was to just _talk_ to Ben. The last time they had seen each other – not counting getting drunkenly hitched in Las Vegas – it hadn’t been easy like this. It had been hard. Ben had hurt her so much that there had been no other way out but to never see each other again.

"So, um… What's our next stop?" Leslie asked, hoping they could get back on track.

It took a few more seconds for Ben to go back to normal. He shook his head and looked away before gesturing towards the exit. "Come on. We need to take another Uber to get there."

Leslie followed him quietly out of the observatory.

In the next Uber, they were both silent. It seemed to give them an excuse not to find a topic for conversation, for them to push past the sudden awkwardness that had floated around them since they had left the observatory. Leslie hoped their day wasn't ruined. She had plans that didn't involve the destinations Ben had in mind for them. She wanted to find a way to talk to her ex-boyfriend, to help him, to try and get a genuine smile out of him.

She silenced the voice in the back of her head that said Ben wasn't her responsibility. She had a fiancé back in Pawnee waiting for her. Leslie wasn't a part of Ben's life anymore, so why was she so keen on doing something for him?

Well, he _is_ my husband.

Oh. _Oh._

The dark cloud behind Ben's eyes had cleared by the time they arrived at their next stop. There was something stony about his face, like he was trying very hard to control his emotions, to keep a mask on, and Leslie wished he didn't feel the need to do that. Maybe they weren't close anymore, but they had once been each other's everything, and despite these years apart, things should have been easier between them, more effortless and less strained.

Leslie was so distracted looking at Ben that she didn't even realize where they were until Ben pointed at something ahead and Leslie followed his finger. It was a farmer’s market, bursting with activity, passersby and merchants coming and going. The stalls were placed close together, but instead of looking crowded, it just seemed welcoming and warm. The buzz of hundreds of conversations going on at once enveloped Leslie like a blanket, rich and vibrant, in a way she just couldn't explain. 

“I really like this place," Ben said as they walked down the aisles of the market. "I don't know why, but I've always liked it. I always thought you'd like it, too,” Ben muttered sheepishly. "There's an antique shop with an incredible collection of old political and historical books. I've found so many you would have loved back when - " Ben paused, avoiding Leslie's eyes again, looking completely lost. "Um. I mean… I don't even know if you still read those. That was stupid of me. I'm sorry."

"Are you kidding me? Of course I still read them!" Leslie exclaimed, forcing the smile to stay on her face even though something in Ben made her insides ache. He was so insecure, so nervous and skittish around her. 

“We should head over there,” Ben cleared his throat, pointing at a spot across the way. His voice was small and timid as he described what was next on their journey to her. “There’s a waffle truck over there that’s always here. They make different types of waffles with all sorts of different toppings and combinations.” 

Leslie gulped, hard. “You remember that?”

"Yeah, I remember," Ben replied in a soft voice. “I know how much you love them.”

Ben was silent again, reserved and tentative still in her presence. He paused for a long time before speaking again. “I, um… I can’t really remember the last time I came here. The days are kind of… a blur, I guess.”

Leslie frowned. Everything that came out of Ben's mouth seemed heavy. The stories he wasn't telling weighed Leslie down; there was so much about Ben's life that she didn't understand, couldn't even imagine, but wanted to know more about. How could she help a man she didn't even know how to reach out to? "Do you want to, um… talk about it?" 

"No," Ben said firmly, but not unkindly.

Leslie moved up to the counter to pay for her waffles and allowed Ben a minute on his own. Something about his stiff posture told her he might need it. When she was done, she approached him and held out a little bag to him. Ben raised his eyebrows in a silent question.

"I got something for you," Leslie explained with a quick shrug. "In case you wanted to eat something."

Ben peeked into the bag, and she watched as he swallowed and nodded jerkily, and wondered if maybe she wasn't approaching this in entirely the wrong way.

"Thank you," he muttered tightly.

They kept walking through the market, stopping every now and then when something caught their attention. She was completely unaware of how Ben's gaze was fixed on her, steady but vulnerable, intent but so very lost.

Ben took her over to the shop where he had promised political and historical novels would await her. Leslie clapped in enthusiasm, always eager to find something new to add to her collection. She could hear Ben laughing behind her. It was the first time in years that she had heard Ben chuckling, and even though it wasn't the happiest sound, it was something, and it paralyzed her for a second, making her turn to face the man she had loved so strongly and boldly.

"Are you laughing at me, Wyatt?" Leslie teased, narrowing her eyes, hoping to keep things light and easy between them.

Ben sighed and smirked at her. "Some things never change."

"Shut up and help me pick out some good ones.”

As soon as they started shuffling through and bantering about which ones would be worth purchasing, time seemed to fade away. They were together again, being silly and in love, enjoying trading barbs about political figures and historical happenings. Ben's face had visibly relaxed and he suddenly looked so much younger, as if whatever weight he had been carrying around on his shoulders had disappeared. Leslie never wanted this moment to end.

Ben began laughing when Leslie's pile of books got bigger and bigger, but before Leslie could actually let the amazing sound wash all over her, it died as an older woman stood beside Ben and glared at him.

"You’re Ben Wyatt, right? The mayor that ruined the town?"

Ben's face was a little pale and his eyes looked dull and empty once again. He didn't even seem to realize what was happening around him.

But then it dawned on him and Ben turned to the woman and snapped at her. "I’m not. Get lost."

The woman looked at him in shock and took a step back. Ben looked so incredibly dangerous right then, like he was capable of anything if she so much as breathed too loudly. 

"Get. Lost." Ben repeated through clenched teeth and the woman didn't need to hear those words again. She practically ran away from Ben, bumping into a teenager in her haste.

It was like being outside the bar again, with Ben pushing her against the wall and losing control. But with the anger directed at someone else, Leslie wasn't scared. She was just sad.

"Ben," Leslie whispered, approaching him carefully. "You didn't have to - ”

Ben's entire frame was rigid and he seemed to be having trouble breathing normally. He closed his eyes for a moment. "She should have minded her own fucking business. I live a whole fucking town over and I still get people coming up to me and reminding me I’m the guy who _ruined the town_."

Leslie rubbed his arm gently, pretending she didn't feel Ben flinching under her touch. "You… you really scare me, when you act like that."

Ben's eyes opened abruptly and fixed on her. There was a storm in them, as if Ben couldn't settle on just one feeling, so he just had to go through all of them. There was something downcast and sorrowful in them. "I – I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Leslie soothed him, and smiled a little. "There's no need to let this ruin our day, right? Come on, I need to buy these books."

She didn't realize she was holding Ben's hand until she was tugging him along, feeling his hand trembling in her own, and knowing that, even though letting go of it would have been a wiser choice, it was too late to let it fall.

By the time they finished walking around the farmers market, they were both starving. Leslie wanted to find a nice restaurant to eat at, but Ben interjected, claiming that he had a better idea, and took them back to the food section in the market, where he bought an assortment of food to take with them. 

"Are we going back to your place to cook? Because I don't think I'll make it there. I'll have to eat that food during the ride back," Leslie said, and her stomach roared in protest.

Ben shook his head. "Nope. We're not going back yet and you need to wait until we get there to eat."

Ben allowed her to get a cup of coffee, knowing that would help calm her hunger and then guided her back to another car. They sat close together and enjoyed the quiet ride, Leslie sipping her coffee, Ben sitting by the window and closing his eyes as the sunlight kissed his skin.

Leslie wasn't sure if the ride was actually longer or if it just seemed so because she was so terribly hungry, but when they finally reached their stop, she felt as if she had been in that car for hours. She stretched her arms over her head and threw her empty cup into a trash can.

"Where are we?"

"This is Grand Portage State Park," Ben said, as he made a gesture for Leslie to follow him. "It's my favorite park here. I thought we could eat here and enjoy the scenery?"

Leslie grinned widely at him. "That's an amazing idea."

They walked down to the edge of the campground, dirt and trees surrounding them. It was pretty much deserted, the sounds of the city drowned by the sounds of birds flying high above. It was a beautiful view and Leslie took a deep breath, loving the pine scent of the forest around her.

Ben found a nice spot for them, but then bit his lip. "Oh. I didn't realize… you probably don't want to sit on the dirt and ruin your clothes. I'm sorry, I'll go find some - "

Leslie plopped down on the dirt before he could even finish talking and smiled up at him. "See? The world didn't end. I'm fine. Now come sit next to me and give me food."

Ben chuckled, but sat beside her. He used the bag with the groceries to keep the food off the ground and opened the fruit containers before fixing Leslie her food. "This isn't the best lunch you can get here, but…"

"It's perfect," Leslie smiled blissfully as she accepted her lunch, eyes locked on Ben.

She could have sworn that Ben blushed, before he ducked his head and started working on his own meal.

They ate in comfortable silence for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts. Leslie was chewing slowly on a strawberry when Ben spoke again.

"So, I… I've been meaning to ask you…" He hesitated, and it was obvious that whatever question he had was important to him. Leslie shifted a little to face him, hoping that knowing he had her total attention would encourage him. "How's everyone doing? You know… back in Pawnee?"

Ben's words struck Leslie's heart. Clearly a part of Ben, even a small one, still cared deeply about the life he had before and the people in it. 

"They’re great," Leslie answered with a smile. "April and Andy are still married, of course, and weird as ever. But lovable. Donna and Tom, you know them. Still there and still ballin’, as they say. Ron is… Ron. He hasn’t changed. And Chris… Chris is still there. Still City Manager. Still married to Ann. He, um… he really loved you. He really loves you still, you know. He asked about you before I came here."

Ben swallowed with difficulty and put his food aside. "I'm sure he is happier this way, without me there. Why would he want me around? I thought he would be mad at me, and I didn't want to… it was too much."

"You guys were like brothers, you know that," Leslie assured him gently, wishing she could grab his hand, but not knowing if she really should. "He still has pictures of you at work and at their house. He misses his buddy. He cares about you. I think he would really like it if you gave him a call."

"I don't really have much to say," Ben kept his eyes down, as if the dirt at his feet was too fascinating to look away. "But I'm glad he's okay. I know he gave you a hard time about work stuff more than once. Is he still all vegan and healthy, blah blah blah?”

Leslie decided it was better not to insist, even though she wanted to tell Ben how happy Chris would have been to hear his voice even if it was just to say hello. But Leslie knew that pushing Ben wouldn't help at all. "Well, you know Chris. Health nut. Although, he has even more of a reason now to want to stay healthy. For their son."

"Son?" Ben finally glanced up at her. "Chris?"

"And Ann," Leslie nodded. God, who would have thought that her best friend and his best friend would actually last so long and have a happy life together? "He's really adorable, and has all of us wrapped around his little finger already. They named his Oliver, because it was a boy and they couldn’t name him Olive for a girl… you know, after Chris’s favorite food."

"Oh no, they didn't!"

"Yes, they did!"

"Oliver?" Ben asked warily.

"Yes! Isn't that nuts?"

“Nah, just fruity,” The sound of Ben's laughter filled the park. Leslie found herself completely unable to look away from him. It was like staring at a firework, watching it fly up to the sky and explode in a million brilliant colors. It was utterly mesmerizing.

"Wow. Chris hasn't changed at all," Ben shook his head, but there was a fond smile on his face, that vanished as soon as he noticed it was there. He cleared his throat. "Well, Chris really is a great person, so I bet he's a great dad too," Ben added softly and awkwardly.

"He really is," Leslie grabbed a bottle of water, uncapped it and took a little sip. She waited a second, trying to make up her mind, not knowing how badly Ben would react if she said this… but then she decided to go for it, hoping it might open him up to talk. "You know, I… I met your nieces the other day. They are gorgeous."

She knew it was the wrong thing to say only a second after the words were out of her mouth. Ben's face fell completely and he looked sick and exhausted. "I'm sure they are. I… I haven't seen them in years," he admitted and the sadness in his voice wasn't very well hidden. "Is Stephanie… um, how is she?"

"She’s doing well, I think," Leslie muttered, looking at the water undulating before them. "She seemed worried about you."

"She's better off without me," Ben said immediately, as if he didn't want to leave room for discussion. "We both know that."

"Ben, I…" Leslie turned to face him again, but Ben was completely closed off again, refusing to look at her. He was stiff and he had his arms wrapped around his knees, as if it was the only way to hold himself together. "I won't pretend that I understand what is going on with you, because I have no idea and I can't relate to it, but I… if there's anything - "

"Do you love him?" Ben interrupted, startling her.

"I… what?"

"Your fiancé. Do you love him?" Ben repeated and his eyes were completely unreadable.

"Yes, of course. He's… he's good. We make sense together," Leslie replied, not sure where this was going.

Ben nodded and Leslie waited and waited for him to say something else, but he never did. After a couple of minutes, he stood abruptly and started gathering their things.

"We should go. It's getting late and I have to tend the bar tonight," he said, and he was once again avoiding Leslie's gaze like the plague. “I work at the bar and I, uh… can’t be late.”

Leslie frowned. She had ruined this day, hadn't she? Every time she opened her mouth, she had given Ben reasons to look more and more dejected and rejected. Why couldn't she find the right words to make Ben see that all she wanted to do was help? "Oh. Okay, yeah."

What Leslie failed to understand was that one day – even if it had been lovely, even if the ghost of Ben's smile was enough to light up an entire room – couldn't fix years of loneliness, sadness, hurt and regret. Ben's pain was too deep to be erased with just a little picnic at the park and mindless hand-holding. He had walked down one way streets and he couldn't find a way out. He was trapped at the end of a tunnel and no matter how far Leslie's arm stretched, she couldn't offer her hand to Ben to help him.

She couldn't save Ben because Ben didn't want to be saved, and one simple day wouldn't change his mind about that.

The return to Ben's apartment was silent. Leslie felt as if a veil had fallen upon them since they had left the park. Ben's eyes were as dull as they had been that day at the diner when Leslie hadn't been able to make him sign the papers. Something inside him was crumbling, and Leslie felt helpless to hold him together.

The sun was slowly descending in the horizon as they walked away from their ride and to Ben's building. Leslie hadn't even thought about going straight to her hotel. She wanted to make sure Ben made it home okay. Even if Ben had known the city for years, had grown up there and knew the good and the bad, Leslie wanted more time with him. Just a little.

"I guess I'll be seeing you soon," Ben said darkly as they stood by the entrance. His eyes were fixed on something down the street, avoiding Leslie again.

"Yeah," Leslie replied. She felt a bit guilty, even though it wasn't her fault that she needed Ben to sign the divorce papers. She smiled as brightly as she could. "Thank you for showing me around. I loved all the places you showed me."

Ben blinked, swallowed and nodded sharply, as if even this conversation was too much for him in that moment. 

"I'm sorry if I… ruined it, a little," Leslie added, biting her lower lip. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'm sorry."

Ben finally looked at her. His jaw was tense and there was a sudden fire in his eyes, one Leslie didn't know the source of. "You don't ever have to apologize to me. You have _nothing_ to be sorry for."

Leslie was taken aback by the intensity in Ben's words, and didn’t know what to say. "I… Ben…"

Unable to stop herself, Leslie put her bags down, took a step closer and hugged him. Like every time they touched, Ben seemed shocked by the contact. Leslie held him tightly and buried her face in Ben's neck. His skin still smelled the way she remembered it, clean, spicy and familiar. Ben finally raised his arms and hugged her back, with his arms so tight around her that Leslie could feel the heat of him deep down into her bones.

Leslie's face found its old favorite spot in the crook of Ben's shoulder and stayed there. Without even thinking about it, Leslie threaded her fingers through Ben's hair, surprised for a moment at the lack of protest from him, but then remembered how much she had loved running her fingers through it.

"I've missed you."

The words were out of Leslie's mouth without notice, until becoming aware of them when Ben let out a tiny gasp. She thought about taking them back, just so they wouldn't make things even more complicated, but decided against it when Ben whispered in a low, broken voice: "I've… missed you too."

They held each other for a long moment, losing track of time completely. There was something soothing about holding Ben like this, as if she could stop him from vanishing into this new, sad, incomplete person he had become. Leslie scrunched her eyes shut, suddenly overwhelmed with the memories, the broken promises, the unfulfilled dreams…

They broke apart when Leslie's cell phone rang. She cleared her throat and pulled away to rummage through her bag for her phone, finding it just as it went to voicemail. "It's Ann," she said, not knowing why she told Ben, who simply nodded back. "I should probably call her back."

"Yeah, I have to go to the bar soon anyway," Ben shrugged, completely closed off once again.

"Okay, well…" Leslie took a deep breath and picked her shopping bags back up. "I'll see you soon."

Ben nodded silently again, but his eyes were fastened intently on Leslie, and Leslie could feel his burning gaze as she walked down the street.

When she turned the corner, she leaned against a wall and closed her eyes.

She had no idea what she was doing anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron during the very last part of this chapter and it's so fitting and perfect for this. <3

Ben was monotonous as he tended bar that night, only able to do so because it was muscle memory. He was distracted, all focus gone, a constant buzzing in his head that had nothing to do with the loud music. It wasn’t the flow of the alcohol around him or the voices of the customers coming and going either.

It was Leslie Knope.

He was getting ready to leave later that evening as a woman he vaguely remembered having in his bed at least once or twice before leaned over the counter and smiled at him.

"Hey, how about we get out of here together?"

Ben stared at her as if he had never seen her before. Her hair and eyes were foreign, her skin didn't invite him to run his hands all over her, her voice didn't make his stomach turn with delight, and her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes the way he loved. The ghost of Leslie's touch, voice, smile, her _everything_ haunted him, and this time he knew he couldn't try to erase it with a stranger's warm and willing body.

He shook his head, effectively shutting her down. He couldn’t do it again, wouldn’t do it again, not knowing Leslie was here, blocks away from him.

Ben walked back to his apartment with his hands buried in his pockets and his mind swirling with images of Leslie earlier that day. Leslie's playful smile while his arms filled with books she wanted to buy. Leslie's eyes bluer than the sky above them as they sat close together on the dirt. Leslie's arms around him and her face pressed against his neck, while her words washed all over him like a careful caress: _I missed you_.

Ben's dreams were full of Leslie that night. He dreamed of memories, dreamed of the things they had never done, dreamed of the things he wished had never happened. 

The sun was beginning to shine through when Ben woke up, barely holding back the scream threatening to tear his lungs, with tear tracks down his face and his heart beating furiously and painfully in his chest.

With shuddery breath and shaky hands, he pulled open the top drawer of his bedside table, poured a pill into his palm and swallowed it.

He needed it, something to numb the pain. He needed to stop feeling. God, why couldn’t he stop feeling?

\---------------------------------------

Leslie was sitting at the desk in her hotel room, with her computer in front of her and checking her emails, in search of a distraction from Ben and their divorce. It was midafternoon and she hadn’t had the strength to emerge from her hotel room yet, dreams and memories of Ben haunting her, asleep or awake.

There was a lot to do back in her office, between Parks and Recreation department business and City Council requirements. She knew her coworkers would be able to handle what came their way, but she missed her job. Leslie felt guilty for putting her work aside when her coworkers depended so much on her, and her passion for her work made her want to return as soon as possible. But this? This was pressing, and important too. It needed her attention.

Ben needed her attention. 

But she hadn't expected to find so many setbacks here.

Leslie shook her head. No, the purpose of this exercise was supposed to be focusing on what little work she could get done while away, and not thinking about Ben.

She replied to every email in her inbox and then opened a new document to make a list of the things she wanted to discuss and plan for when she would eventually return. Her job was the one and only thing she was sure of at this point, so she had to pour her all into it. 

Her train of thought was interrupted abruptly by the sound of her phone. She looked down at the screen and found Dave's smiling face staring back at her. She gulped as her finger hovered over the green accept button.

What was she going to say to her fiancé when he inevitably asked about the divorce papers? There was no way she could tell him she'd spent the whole day sightseeing with Ben, and hadn't even brought up the subject of divorce once. She knew Dave wouldn't be happy about it, about any of this really, and Leslie was aware that she had no excuse to provide him. She hadn't talked to Ben about it again because a part of her felt like she needed to give Ben time, to let him come to terms with this and sign on his own time. But time was something she and her fiancé didn't have, with the wedding looming closer every day.

Her finger slid over the red reject button instead, accompanied by a surge of guilt. Leslie had lost control of the situation completely, but she didn't know what to do to put it back on the right track anymore.

She didn't know how to help Ben without upsetting Dave. She knew there was the possibility of potentially losing Dave, and maybe even Ben. It was as if those two men couldn't exist in her life simultaneously. And they never were meant to. Ben was her past, and Dave was her present and future. There would have been no Dave if Ben hadn't made the mistakes he had made back when he was in Pawnee.

Leslie sipped her coffee and closed her eyes, letting the taste of coffee and sugar and cream wash over her tongue. She couldn't afford to think like that. Dave was in her life because that was her destiny. She was with the man she was supposed to be with. Leslie and Ben had been fooling themselves if they thought it could work out.

But then why had it always felt so real? Like _Ben_ had been her destiny, her fate, the universe in which she was meant to exist?

Because she had never considered herself foolish, and especially not when it came to Ben. Her love for him had been bigger than anything else she had known, than anything she could really understand. When she hadn't been sure of anything else, she had been sure of him.

But things had changed. Love died, her hopes and dreams manifesting into something else, and a new future shone brighter than a bitter past.

Right?

And there was her phone again. She glanced at it and discovered it was Dave again. Leslie knew she couldn't ignore the call again. She would have to face her fiancé sooner or later. And the longer she ignored him, the worse it would be.

She took a deep breath and accepted Dave's call. "Hey, babe."

"Hey," Dave said, and fuck, Leslie could hear the irritation in his voice. "Where have you been? I called a couple of times, Leslie."

"I know, I'm sorry," Leslie stood and started pacing the room, feeling too anxious to stay still. "I've been busy trying to catch up with work, and it's harder from here with everything going on. How are you?"

"Well, I would be doing a lot better if my fiancée was home already," Dave answered sharply. "Why is this taking so long, Leslie? It's just a signature on a paper and, bam, you're divorced. You should've been home days ago."

"I'm sorry," Leslie repeated. She closed her eyes, pinching her brow in frustration. "He… well, he hasn't signed them yet, but - "

"What do you mean he hasn't signed yet? Leslie, are you serious? This is insane," Dave exclaimed. "What reason could he possibly have to not sign them?"

"Dave, it’s… it’s complicated. It’s not that simple," Leslie retorted. "I told you, Ben is having a rough time, and it feels wrong of me to force him to - "

"I don't care if he's having a rough time or not! You shouldn't have to force him, Leslie! Why won't he divorce you? Is he still in love with you? He'd better not put a single finger on you or I will - "

"Stop being such a cop," Leslie interrupted, her brewing anger threatening to spill over. "I can't force someone to deal with a divorce when their life is already a mess! Don't you have a heart at all? I just need a few more days so we can - "

"A few more days? This was supposed to take two, three days at most if you had trouble finding him!" Dave was raising his voice and Leslie's head started pounding like drum. Dave wasn’t the angry type. They didn’t fight and he didn’t raise his voice, but he was now. "Give him the papers, tell him to sign them, and come back here. He can mail them to us when he's done with them, and if he doesn't send them back in a couple of weeks, we'll hire a lawyer and make him - "

"Why are you being so unreasonable? Why can't you accept that I want to help one of my friends?"

"Because he hasn't been your friend in years! Because until a couple of weeks ago, his name was practically forbidden in front of you! On one hand, you pretend he doesn't even exist, but on the other, you've kept a box of pictures of you and him, in the back of your closet for all these years."

Leslie gaped like a fish out of the water. "Did you go through my stuff?"

"Let's stop acting like this isn't a big deal," Dave said, ignoring Leslie's question. "When it comes to him, it's always been a big deal. The biggest deal. You say you want to help him, but at the end of the day, Leslie, he's the guy who broke your heart in a million pieces. So why is he more important than me? Why does he matter more than our own wedding?"

"I… Dave! He doesn't! _You're_ my fiancé! Why can't you see that?" Leslie sputtered. She felt like she was choking. There were two hands wrapped around her throat, squeezing until there was no air left, and she couldn't fight them off.

"Yeah, but he's your husband. And as long as you let him remain your husband, he'll always be more important," Dave replied in a quiet voice. He paused for a second, but Leslie couldn't speak. "The guy from that band you wanted for the wedding called earlier. He wanted to confirm the date with us. Let me know if I should tell him if the wedding is still happening."

Dave hung up. Leslie's knees felt like jelly and she let herself down on the bed when she realized they wouldn't hold her up any longer. She dropped the phone on the mattress next to her and forced herself to breathe, but the air wouldn't travel to her lungs.

She didn’t know how much longer she could do this.

She was choking and she was running out of options.

Leslie's hands didn't stop shaking during the ride to Ben’s apartment. By the time she pounded on Ben's apartment door, her entire body was shaking as well. She felt sick, and the words Dave had said before hanging the phone didn't help her feel any better.

Two weeks ago, her life had been perfect, with the perfect job in the perfect city and the perfect man who had asked her to be his wife. How had everything gone to hell so quickly?

The door opened and revealed Ben’s less than pleased expression, clearly not appreciating the abuse dispensed onto it. However, when he saw who was standing there, his expression changed.

"Hey," Ben said, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Leslie almost lost her balance, since most of her weight had been put on the door, but managed to catch herself before she stumbled to her knees. Ben raised his hands, ready to grab her if needed. "Whoa, hey… What's going on? Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay," Leslie replied, pushing past him and into the apartment. She turned to face him as Ben closed the door, staring at her like she was on fire.

Well, she certainly felt like she was.

"What happened?" Ben asked, and the concern in his voice weakened her knees again, but she chose to ignore it.

Leslie opened her bag, grabbed the divorce papers and threw them towards Ben. "Sign them. Sign them right now."

Ben looked down at the papers scattered all over his apartment floor and then back up at Leslie with a frown. "What?"

"Sign them," Leslie interrupted, and fuck, she was choking again. "No more distractions, no more excuses. You sign those damn papers right now."

Ben's eyes hardened and darkened then, any traces of emotion gone from them again. "No."

Leslie blinked at him. She closed her hands in fists and when that didn't make them stop shaking, she tried relaxing them by flexing her hands in and out, in and out. "What did you just say?"

"I'm not signing anything," Ben answered in a sharp voice. "You come into my apartment, looking like you just ran over a dog with your car, and start yelling at me, demanding things? No fucking way. If you want something from me, I expect an explanation."

"What kind of fucking explanation do you want?" Leslie exclaimed. She was exasperated and she was done, _so_ done. "We are married, Ben! We should not be married! We haven't seen each other in over two years! I think that's enough reason to ask you to sign the goddamn papers!"

"Why are you suddenly in such a fucking rush? You didn't even mention the fucking divorce the yesterday! You were perfectly happy skipping around town with me and now you're so fucking desperate for it? What the hell do you - "

"Sign them. Just sign them. I want to go back to Pawnee. I have to go back to Pawnee. I can't keep wasting time here with - "

"With me?" Ben finished for her, and Leslie knew she had messed up. _Fuck._ "You can't keep wasting time with _me_?"

"Ben - "

"No, no, it's okay. I've always known you were just wasting time with me. Like what we had ever mattered. It didn't mean shit to you," Ben began pacing the room, and Leslie could see the anger building, his shoulders tensing and his eyes flashing with emotion. "You didn't want to waste time with me then, why would you want to do that now?"

"Ben, it's not like that and you know it," Leslie said, as calmly as she could muster, but she was too far gone too. She was scared, desperate and tired and she needed this to be over. "But we can't keep doing this forever! I can't put my life on hold indefinitely! We have to put an end to this and we’re going to do it now."

Ben didn't say anything. He kept pacing, breathing heavily, like a caged beast that needed to break free.

Leslie closed her eyes and tried to hold back the tears. God, she was so tired. " _Please_. Please, Ben. My fiancé practically threatened to call off the wedding if I don't get this over with once and for all. I can't buy us any more time. I can't risk what I have back in Pawnee."

Now Ben's hands were shaking. Leslie could see him trying to control himself, but quietly losing it. Why couldn't he just sign those papers? They were making each other miserable like this.

Ben turned towards his bed and crossed the room in a few long strides. He pulled the top drawer in his nightstand open and rummaged through it until he found one of the pill bottles. He tried to uncap it, but his shaking hands wouldn't let him.

Leslie gasped, and immediately lunged to snatch the pill bottle away from him. "What the hell are you doing?"

Ben didn't look at her. He kept his eyes down and tried to grab the pills back, unsuccessfully. Leslie could see how tense his jaw was. "Give them back."

"These aren't even yours. How did you get them?" Leslie asked, backing away and holding the bottle out of Ben's reach.

"Give them _back_ ," Ben said with clenched teeth. He was like a bomb about to explode and Leslie knew she was standing too close to come out of it unscathed.

"Stop it, Ben! Why are you doing this to yourself?" 

Ben breathed furiously, like a bull getting ready to face the red flag. "I need them. I'm in pain. Give them back."

"That's bullshit! You're just being an idiot because - "

"I am in fucking pain!" Ben roared, effectively silencing Leslie and making her take a step back with the force of his voice and the fury in it. "I've been in pain since the day we broke up! Do you even know what it feels like to kill the one thing that matters the most to you? I hurt every fucking single day and nothing makes it stop! Give me those damn pills back!"

Leslie held the pills against her chest and her voice trembled with her words. "No. Ben… it's over. It's been more than three years. You need to move on. Do something to - "

Ben finally looked up at her. His eyes were on fire, but Leslie had never felt colder. "You don't think I've tried? Of course I did! I spent _years_ trying. I’ve slept with other fucking women, trying to get you out of my head, but they’ll never be you. They don’t have your blonde hair or your blue eyes or your smile or… fuck, I tried everything to forget about you, but nothing works. At the end of the day, I knew I was just faking it. I wasn't healing. I'll never heal. I hurt you, I broke us up, I ruined the future we had together, and this is the price I have to pay for that."

The pill bottle was digging into Leslie's palm as she held it with all the strength in her body. It seemed to be the only thing grounding her. "If… if what you need to move on is my forgiveness, Ben, then you have it. I… I forgive you," Leslie breathed out, and those were words she had never thought she would say to Ben. But seeing him so broken after all these years shattered Leslie beyond repair. She had been so hurt after Ben had broken up with her, and left town without a word, but she had found the way to go on with her life and start over. She couldn't imagine what it had to be like for Ben, with that same pain and the guilt fermenting for all those years.

"But I don't forgive myself," Ben whispered, wrapping his arms around himself when he realized Leslie wouldn't give him the pills back, as if he had no energy left to keep himself together. "Look around. Look at my life! I was supposed to be there for you, move in with you, get married, be by your side as I watched you make all of your dreams come true. Don’t you think I wake up every day and remember?" Leslie felt another stab of pain when she realized Ben was crying now, tears coming down his face in quick succession, leaving wet tracks down his face. "I left Pawnee and I came here and I thought… some stupid part of me thought you might still want me, that you might still want... but you didn’t come find me, you didn’t come after me. I waited for you."

And it was the first time that Ben had opened up to her like this since she had been there. For some reason, that made her backpedal more than anything else had since she had come to Partridge. It was like a punch to a gut, a sharp stabbing pain in her stomach hitting her. She had wanted those things too. God, she had wanted them more than she needed air. But now she was fuming. Why hadn’t Ben told her this before? Why now? Things could have been so different and it made her furious. 

“You didn’t come and find _me_! I never left. I was always in Pawnee. You had every chance to come and find me after you left and you didn’t. Because you were a coward. Because you ran away.” 

Ben’s head shot up at that, and Leslie detected hurt in his eyes, but more than that, guilt and sheer disappointment in himself. “I wish I could have frozen time and stopped right there. I didn’t… I didn’t want to ruin your campaign and everything you had worked for. It was an impossible choice and I - ”

“I didn’t want to have to make a choice, Ben! You knew that. I didn’t feel like I could choose.” 

“I know,” Ben's voice cracked, barely above a whisper. “That’s why I chose for you.” 

Leslie shook her head, still reeling from his admissions. This was too much, too overwhelming to process. She didn’t feel like she had fight in her left. “God, this is ridiculous. What are we doing? I’m not having this fight with you, Ben. I just can’t do it.” 

Ben was reaching back into his bedside table, the bottom drawer this time. He pulled out a long red box and it was like déjà vu, her mind sending her back to over three years ago. She recognized it immediately, something so familiar to her. It was the red box that Ben had slid to her as he tried to break up with her. She knew that the _Knope 2012_ button that he had made for her was still there. She had wanted more than anything then to not open it, to avoid it all costs because it had represented the end of her future with Ben, but now all she wanted was for him to open it, to tell her why he had still hung onto it after all of these years. 

But he was digging further into the drawer, and then she saw them. Articles from The Pawnee Journal, The Pawnee Sun, even The Indianapolis Star. Articles with her name in the headline, of her accomplishments during her tenure in City Council. Every single one had been carefully collected and kept by Ben. He had followed her journey, despite not being around to watch it all come to fruition. And Leslie wanted to break, right then and there. She couldn’t fathom this; she thought Ben had hated her and that’s why he had disappeared without a word, but here he was, her forever champion and supporter, even miles apart from each other. 

“Ben…” Leslie began, searching for the right words. She knew she was cracking under the pressure, the heaviness of this conversation, the air in the room. The box and the button and the articles, it was more than she could handle. “You kept this? You kept me with you this entire time?”

“Above all else, I wanted to see you succeed. All I ever wanted was for you to have everything you ever dreamed about. And you did. I never had any doubt that you would. I knew you would do big things. Even from a distance, I rooted for you. I was always on your side. I was always in your corner. I loved you so much that I let you go. And I would do it all over again, ten times over, if it meant that you could have your dreams.”

Ben's knees gave out and he dropped on the bed, resting his elbows on his thighs and burying his face in his hands. He broke down completely and Leslie couldn't look away, even as she started crying herself. 

"Ben..."

"I knew we were married," Ben said so quietly that Leslie thought she had imagined him speaking altogether. But she hadn’t and his words shocked her into silence. "I remember that night in Las Vegas. I didn't have as much to drink as you did. I know I should've stopped us or at least told you about it the next day, " He shook his head, and the smile on his lips was anything but joyful. It was the saddest thing Leslie had ever seen. "But I just really, really wanted to be Leslie Knope's husband."

Leslie's sob threatened to rip her apart. She covered her mouth with her hand as her vision blurred with the cloud of her tears. Ben looked up at her, and he seemed smaller, so defeated and empty after his confession. But Leslie finally recognized him in those eyes, the honest, expressive pools of liquid doe-brown eyes that Leslie had loved staring into. Those eyes were now full of nothing but a broken life, and Leslie couldn't even begin to imagine what the past few years must have been like for Ben.

"I'm so sorry, Leslie," Ben uttered in a low, broken tone and Leslie realized that was the first time Ben had called her by her name since they had met again. That alone was enough to push her over the edge and completely break her.

Leslie dropped to her knees in front of him, letting the pills fall to the floor and roll under the bed. She cupped Ben's hands and looked him right in the eyes, but couldn't find the words she needed to say. Her heart was pounding wildly in her chest and some of the puzzle pieces that had been missing suddenly fit into place and the picture became clearer, even if it wasn't quite complete yet.

Ben's bottom lip quivered as he tried to hold his sobs back. Once upon a time, Leslie had known how to soothe all of Ben's sorrows. Now, everything came back instinctively, and all she could think about was how much she wanted to make him feel better.

She leaned in and pressed her lips against his softly. Ben gasped into her mouth, hesitating at first, but then they fit back together in the way they always had and Ben sunk into her kiss. Leslie slid one of her hands to the back of Ben's neck and pressed him closer, as her heart pumped out of control and threatened to rip her chest open with how hard it was beating.

Ben tentatively put his arms around her shoulders, and then they just gave in to the kiss, their mouths remembering how to move together, tongues trying to see if they tasted the same. Leslie whimpered into the kiss and closed her eyes tightly, as two lonely tears trailed down her cheeks.

It had been three years and she finally felt like she was coming home.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is where the explicit rating comes in, aka smut, so if that's not your thing, here's your warning to skip over this chapter until the very end.

They separated from their kiss, breathing ragged in an attempt to get some air. Leslie let her forehead lean against Ben's, her eyes closed, trying to control herself. Ben's arms immediately tightened around her, keeping her close to him like some precious thing he didn’t dare let go of. Leslie rubbed the pad of her thumb down the column of Ben's neck soothingly. She could feel Ben's entire body quaking in her arms.

"It's okay," Leslie whispered, when she felt the dampness of his tears against her cheek. “I’ve got you.”

When she finally opened her eyes, she found Ben staring at her with wide, open eyes that took her breath away. It was as if Ben couldn't glance away from her, not even for a second, afraid Leslie would vanish if he did. Leslie could see all the need that Ben had repressed for so many years pouring from his eyes, so bright and expressive.

"Ben," Leslie choked out between her watery smile, stroking his cheek. "You’ve changed so much, but… I’ve missed you. I’ve missed this."

"Leslie," Ben choked out, as if her name was all he could say now.

Leslie pressed their lips together again in a quick peck of skin on skin, and then again when she couldn't stop herself, and a third time when the shivers that it sent down her spine were too electrifying to pull away. Then Ben took over, desperate for more than the soft press of their lips, kissing Leslie open mouthed and urgently, causing Leslie to moan and cling to him tighter. Leslie rose higher on her knees and shifted until they were glued together, chest to chest and holding each other with every ounce of strength they had left.

She hadn't experienced this kind of passion again with anyone, and somehow she knew Ben hadn’t either. It was the kind of passion born from love, from familiarity, from trust. It came from knowing each other down to the deepest parts of themselves. Nothing could tear them apart and put them back together like this. It came from the kind of desire that wasn't only physical, but souls meant to be meeting once again.

It was the kind of passion that Leslie hadn't been able to feel after Ben, the kind of passion Ben had desperately looked for in the women he had slept with, but had never managed to find.

These were flames they could only ignite together.

Ben's eyes were filled with hunger, like a man who had wandered in the desert without food or water for too long. He ran his thumb over Leslie's lower lip, already so swollen and cherry red from kissing. "Please," he murmured. “ _Please_.”

Leslie knew what Ben was begging for, and she couldn't stop to think about the consequences for even a second. All she wanted was him, to taste him, to touch him, to feel him, to love him again in all the ways she knew how. 

She crawled onto the bed and pulled Ben along with her. Ben settled on top of her, looking down at her with wide eyed amazement and wonder, as if he had never seen anything as perfect as Leslie before. Leslie sighed in contentment when his familiar weight grounded her to the bed and her whole body thrummed with pleasure as if welcoming Ben back. Their kisses were now slower and deeper, exploratory, remembering and discovering. Their tongues met and sent sparks down to her toes, and Leslie buried her fingers in Ben's hair as she parted her lips wider to give Ben access. Ben changed the angle, kissing her more fervently, running his tongue over her teeth, the roof of her mouth and every little corner he had missed tasting for so long.

Eventually, he shifted down, letting Leslie breathe, as he kissed down her jaw and to that spot on her neck that he had discovered long ago could turn Leslie into a squirming mess. Leslie threw her head back and let him devour her skin, feeling the familiar wet sensation building below every time Ben sucked and bit and licked and kissed.

Ben pulled away and hovered over her, watching her with eyes full of desire. He licked his lips. "Can I? Please, Leslie, let me?"

Leslie was too far gone to care, nodding eagerly, grateful to feel Ben's mouth back on her neck. Ben's hands worked open the buttons of Leslie's shirt, tugging impatiently until her chest was displayed. He let out a low moan before attaching his mouth to her collarbone and sucking a little harder, making Leslie whimper.

Ben didn't stay long in one spot. It was as if he couldn't wait to taste every inch of Leslie again. He moved down, kissing down the center of her chest and licking over her nipples, eliciting a loud moan out of her, and then mouthed over Leslie's stomach. His hands reached down to take care of Leslie's shoes, dropping them off the edge of the bed, before travelling back up to the zipper of her pants. He looked up at Leslie in silent question, as his tongue swirled around her belly button, and Leslie unconsciously thrust up, desperate for some relief.

Ben's eyes darkened even more as desire took over him. He made quick work of Leslie's pants and underwear, and in only a matter of seconds, Leslie was spread out on the bed, gloriously naked. Ben sat on his knees to look down at her, awed by her presence, unable to believe Leslie was actually there, in his bed, exactly as he had imagined her so many times.

Leslie suppressed the urge to finger her clit, pulsing and waiting breathlessly. Ben grasped her leg by the ankle, kissing the bone reverently, his gaze fixed on Leslie.

"Your body is gorgeous," Ben said in a hoarse voice. He looked Leslie in the eyes. "You are gorgeous. You always were and you always will be."

Ben's hand brushed hesitantly along the skin between Leslie’s legs, as if he wasn't sure if he was actually allowed to touch her. Leslie sucked in a breath; Ben's hands felt rougher than she remembered, but so perfect as he grazed against her. It had always been perfect with him. He leaned down, holding himself up on his elbows, and paused with his lips just an inch away from her folds.

"Is this okay? I really need to taste you," Ben was eager, and the view was enough to make Leslie's brain lose all focus.

Leslie whined. "Please, please, please."

Ben flattened his tongue, stroking it roughly back and forth, his beard tickling Leslie's inner thighs in the most delicious way. She dropped her head and moaned as Ben followed each stroke with a slow and steady finger, taking his time with every single touch. Leslie bucked up, overwhelmed by the sudden wet heat around her and Ben dove his tongue deeper, satisfied little noises leaving him, making Leslie tremble. Ben was so damn desperate for it, desperate for her, as if having been forced to live without Leslie in his mouth for years had been torture.

"Oh fuck, Ben, yes…" Leslie buried her fingers in Ben's hair again and Ben groaned in appreciation, as he pulled away enough to lap at her opening. His dark, thick eyelashes were resting against his cheeks and he was the most beautiful man Leslie had ever seen.

Leslie knew she wouldn't last very long. She had always been so incredibly helpless with Ben, and the pleasure was electrifying. Her body had missed Ben immensely and that had been near the edge since they had started this dance again.

Ben pulled away, and Leslie thought he was catching his breath, but then Ben was licking over her again as he spread her legs farther apart and shifted her, tongue dragging across her over and over. Leslie thought she might actually die in anticipation. She just wanted him to be inside of her.

Leslie held her breath. Ben kissed back up to her stomach, before lapping farther down south again, until Leslie could feel the hot swipes of his tongue in the very center of her body, completely melting her and burning her at the same time. She was helpless now, hands in fists at her side, grabbing at the sheets and looking for something to keep her grounded because she was afraid the rush of pleasure would make her disintegrate. 

Leslie moaned and her back arched off the bed. "Oh, Ben, I'm so close…"

To Leslie's dismay, Ben didn't redouble his efforts. Instead, he crawled up Leslie's body until they were pressed together, face to face. Ben's clothes felt rough on her skin.

"Can you… can you fuck me?" Leslie asked breathlessly. "Ben, I… please, I need to feel you inside of me, I want you to - "

She knew Ben could never say no to her, and she saw it in his eyes again – he wasn’t ever going to refuse her. "Yes. God, yes, I can do that."

Leslie was on her back, and Ben hovered over her. She was naked, but he was still dressed and all she wanted was to see him again this way, no clothes and just skin to skin. “Let me… let me undress you. Please. I – I want to see you, all of you.”

Ben could only gulp, nodding at her. She peeled the clothes off Ben's body ceremoniously, wanting to savor each second and each inch of skin she discovered under the fabric. Her hands trembled as she stroked Ben's sides and chest, and she couldn't stop herself from nuzzling the hair that trailed from his chest down to his navel. When he was finally free of the last vestiges of his clothing, she laid back, parted her legs and waited for him. 

Ben caressed the inside of Leslie's thighs, remembering how sensitive they had always been, and Leslie shivered at the contact. Ben lowered himself, entering her and she gasped at the friction. With the push of the first thrust, Leslie threw her head back and moaned, arching her hips to get Ben deeper. She wanted more, needed more.

Ben watched her, utterly mesmerized at how responsive she still was, how she still seemed to marvel at the simplest touch as if she had never been touched before. He had been able to make her fall apart in ways no one else had. 

Every experience with Ben had always felt new and exciting, and this time wasn't different. Her body relaxed to welcome him, respond and undulate to show how much she liked what Ben was doing, and she felt the same kind of immeasurable pleasure she had felt the very first time they had done this together back in Pawnee.

"Is this okay?" Ben croaked in a hoarse voice. He pressed his forehead against hers, slowing his pace and letting out a shaky breath. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No, no. God, keep going. Keep going, Ben, _please_ ," Leslie replied, lifting her legs to wrap them around Ben's hips and pulling him closer, effectively making Ben bury himself completely into her. "Fuck me as hard as you can and make me _feel_ it."

Ben whimpered against her lips at her words and his hips snapped forward before he could even think about it. The room was filled with Ben's groans, Leslie’s moans, the sound of skin against skin. 

Part of Leslie wanted Ben to take his time, slow things down and savor it all, but there was a hunger in her that couldn't be controlled. Her body had been deprived of Ben for too long to hold back. Ben buried his face into her neck, breathing unsteadily against her and she drew him in, all sweat mixed with the smell that was just so Ben drove her wild. She wanted to feel every inch of Ben, and oh, was he making her feel it.

"Fuck, I - " Ben muttered in a broken voice. “You feel so good.” 

Leslie's eyes filled with tears. It was all too much and not enough. "You too. I… oh, God… Ben."

Leslie wiped some of her tears away with the tips of her fingers, and Ben seemed to catch on, kissing some others away. He slowed his pace again, even though Leslie clenched greedily around him. "What is it?"

Leslie smiled at him, but there wasn't anything happy about it. She wanted to break all over again. "Nothing. Please, keep going. I'm so close."

She had always loved watching Ben come undone, the way his body started shivering and his kissed pink lips parted in silent gasps, how his back arched in ecstasy and his eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks, and this sight was just as stunning as when they had been in Pawnee. She wrapped her arms around Ben as he came, grinding hard into her, and he let out another moan into the crook of her shoulder. It threw her into her own pool of heat and it was her turn to come, riding the waves of pleasure as she slowly came down from her high.

When it was over, she didn't want to move, she couldn't move. Ben stayed buried deep inside of her, and she didn't mind at all. They kissed lazily in the afterglow, running their hands over each other, not caring about the mess between them or their sweaty skin. Ben tasted like everything she had ever wanted, and Leslie couldn't get enough of him.

Finally, Ben pulled out, ignoring Leslie's protests. He was trying to make it out of bed to clean up, but Leslie was tugging him back into her arms again, and she knew Ben couldn’t deny her her post orgasm cuddles.

Ben pressed her against his chest and enveloped her in his arms, and for a blissful moment, Leslie had managed to forget about everything else.

\-----------------------------------

Leslie woke up in the middle of the night, disorientated and alone. At first, she thought she was back in her hotel room, but she soon realized she was naked under the sheets and the familiar scent of Ben's skin on the pillow pressed against her face. She remembered what had happened. She smiled and stretched her arms, still floating weightlessly between sleep and consciousness as she waited for Ben to come back to bed.

Her toes were cold and the right side of the bed where Ben had been sleeping wasn't warm either. She blinked dazedly, wondering where Ben was and why whatever he was doing was more important than keeping her warm, when she heard it.

It was the sound of a muffled sob.

Leslie sat up and looked around. The apartment was dark but she could tell from the starlight filtering through the window that Ben wasn't in the kitchen area. But a sliver of light peeked from under the closed bathroom door. Leslie pushed the blankets away and quickly searched for something to wear. She managed to find her underwear and Ben's shirt and put them on before she padded towards the bathroom. She leaned closer to the door and waited, not sure if she had imagined the sound in her half-asleep state.

And then she heard it again.

The sound made her heart clench in her chest, and she opened the door, peering into the room with a frown. She thought there was no one there, but then she noticed Ben was sitting on the floor, half-hidden between the shower and the sink, holding his knees to his chest and with his head buried in his arms on top of them. He was crying, trying to be quiet so as not to disturb her, but he was unable to contain his pain, his choked sobs escaping despite his efforts to keep them at bay.

"Ben?" 

Ben looked up at her immediately. His eyes were red and swollen and he looked exhausted. His cheeks were wet with tears that kept trailing down them and his hair was a disheveled mess, as if he had run his hands through it a million times in despair.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Leslie asked, kneeling in front of him, not sure if Ben wanted to be held or not, but dying to put her arms around him.

"Nothing," Ben muttered, looking away as if trying to hide the fact that he was crying. "You can go back to bed."

Leslie watched him intently, her heart shattering over and over again. She had never liked seeing Ben hurt, but this felt a million times worse. She shuffled closer and pulled on Ben's hand to tug him closer. "I'm not going anywhere."

Instead of comforting him, her words made Ben crumple into her arms with a wracked sob, dissolving into fresh tears. Leslie swallowed hard, and sat back against the wall, with Ben hiding his face in her shoulder, holding him like a child. She stroked his hair tenderly and whispered sweet nothings into his ear, completely at a loss for how to help him. She had no idea what to do.

A few minutes passed and even though he was still crying, Ben managed to speak. It wasn't the explanation Leslie had been expecting, but an endless string of the same words, again and again: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

Leslie tried shushing him, because Ben seemed to become more and more broken with every apology, but it was as if Ben wasn't listening, utterly immersed in his need to say how sorry he was. Leslie didn't understand at first, what Ben was apologizing for, but then it hit her like lightning: Ben was apologizing for what he had done three years ago. He was apologizing for breaking up with her, for leaving her, because that was the one big mistake that loomed over him constantly, the one mistake that had changed it all, and the one mistake he couldn't forgive himself for.

Leslie felt the tears in her own eyes now. Everything in Ben's life had been dictated by what he had done. He hadn't been able to move on, and he had destroyed every possibility, every hope, every way out because he didn't believe he deserved any better, not after what he had done, because he had lost her in the process. Leslie felt as if everything made sense now: what Stephanie had told her, what she had seen herself, all the changes in Ben's personality, and the man he had become, the man he had lost along the way. Ben had been haunted by his own actions for years.

Yes, Leslie had been heartbroken and she had hated Ben for damaging what they had, but they were human, _Ben_ was only human. He had made a choice, a choice that had changed the course of both of their lives. He had to forgive himself, and she would make him see that, even if it killed her.

She kissed the top of Ben's head and stroked down his back soothingly. "It’s okay, Ben. It's okay. You don't have to apologize anymore. I forgive you."

Leslie felt a weight was lifted from her shoulders with those words, and even though she had said them earlier that day, she hadn't really meant them until now. She forgave Ben. Of course she did. Just seeing how much Ben regretted what he had done was enough to know she could let go of whatever vestiges of resentment and anger and hurt she had left. It had meant everything to Ben, that was clear now, and maybe they could have avoided all of this heartache if they had just _talked_.

She closed her eyes and held Ben tighter. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry, Ben. It's okay. You're okay. I forgive you. I'm sorry."

He sobbed against her shoulder and tightened his hands around Leslie's shirt. "I'm sorry," Ben said one last time, and with that, he seemed to be completely spent. He breathed shakily, his body seeming pliant and depleted with the force of his break down. "I'm so tired…"

"It's okay," Leslie repeated, because there wasn't anything else she could say. "Let me get you back to bed."

She guided Ben out of the bathroom, letting him lean heavily against her side until they reached the bed. She made sure Ben was comfortable and tucked in before sliding under the blankets on his side. Ben immediately shifted towards her, holding onto her as if his life depended on it. Leslie stroked his hair and kept her lips pressed against his forehead until Ben's breath evened and he was asleep, as peacefully as he could be.

Leslie, however, lay awake for a long time. Her mind buzzed with thoughts of Ben's pain and regret, and of years wasted, of year lost, and love torn to pieces.

But then, something else kept her awake, as sheer horror travelled down her spine in a cold chill.

She had just cheated on her fiancé.

She was so fucking screwed.


	10. Chapter 10

It hadn’t been a dream. 

Ben was really here.

And so was she.

Leslie was clinging to her wonderful reality, drifting between being awake and asleep, but something softly tickling her was pulling her toward consciousness. She scrunched her face and groaned, when she realized she wouldn't be able to fall back into that blissful deep sleep she had been enjoying, and she blinked her eyes open slowly.

Ben was hovering over her, placing tiny little kisses on the curve of her naked shoulder, her jaw, her collarbone, and every inch of skin he could reach. When Leslie looked at him, he looked back, and Leslie's breath caught in her throat. It had been so long since she had woken up to those eyes staring at her with such reverence. She had to admit, it was sorely missed. 

"Hey you," Ben whispered, voice still rough with sleep. “Good morning.”

"Hi," Leslie mumbled with a yawn. She unconsciously put her hand on Ben's head, immediately intertwining her fingers in his hair, stroking the strands between them.

"I can make you some coffee if you want," Ben said as his lips kissed her chest right where her heart was beating. "I know you can't function properly in the mornings without your caffeine fix first. And cream and like, twenty sugars?"

"You know me so well," Leslie couldn’t help but giggle, as she arched her back to make her muscles loose and stretch out of her sleep. Then she paused, because Ben _did_ know her well. Once upon a time, Ben had been the one to know her better than anyone else, even more than her own mother or Ann sometimes. But those times were supposed to be over, because Leslie had built a life completely separate from Ben. And now she was in her ex-boyfriend's bed. She swallowed and tried very hard not to panic. "Ben, I - "

She was interrupted by her phone and the familiar ringtone, immediately knowing who was calling her.

Dave was calling her.

"Crap on a crayfish," Leslie exclaimed, as she pushed Ben out of the way as gently as she could to scramble out of bed. She looked around, searching frantically for her pants until she found them halfway under the bed, and she grabbed them to fish her cell phone out of one of the pockets.

"Hi, honey!" She said in a breathless, high-pitched voice that didn't sound suspicious _at all_. Fuck.

"Good morning, Leslie. Did I wake you?"

"Um, yeah, I was… I was sleeping," Leslie mumbled, as she paced the room nervously. _Fuck, what have I done?_ "What about you? Are you on shift?"

"I was supposed to be, but I called in," Dave answered, and before Leslie could express her confusion, he added: "I'm in Partridge."

It was as if the floor was a sinkhole and was threatening to swallow her up. She couldn't breathe or think. "Wait, what? What are you doing here?"

"I felt awful after our argument yesterday, and I just had to come and see you," Dave explained and Leslie wished she truly was being swallowed by a sinkhole. This couldn't be happening. "You know how much I hate arguing with you."

"Dave, it's… that's great, but you didn't have to - "

"I know I didn't have to come, but I needed to," Dave interrupted, and Leslie could hear the smile in his voice, and that proud tone that meant he had done something to make his fiancée happy and Leslie just wanted to die. "The thing is, I can't remember which hotel you're staying at. Could you give me the address? I'm getting my suitcase and I'll get a ride over."

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck, this is really happening._ "Yeah, sure. Great. Um, do you want to write the address down?"

Leslie gathered her clothes as she recited the address to Dave. Shit, this really was too much to deal with before caffeine.

"I'll see you soon," Dave said enthusiastically. "I love you, Leslie."

"I love you too," Leslie said mechanically, like she was on autopilot because her mind was currently preoccupied with how she was going to beat Dave back to the hotel. She rubbed her eyes with her hands. God, it was too early for a headache.

She hung up and began dressing with lightning speed when she caught sight of Ben, who was sitting against the pillows and very much _not_ looking at Leslie. The expression on his face was carefully controlled, but Leslie knew him well, and she could see the hurt beneath the surface.

How had she gotten into this mess? She had screwed everything up.

"Ben…" Leslie whispered, unsure of what she was going to say, pausing in the middle of the room with her shirt in one hand and her shoes in the other.

The smile Ben gave her was so forced. "It seems like you'll have to get a rain check for that coffee."

"I'm sorry. I am. I don't… I don't know what to say." Leslie wanted to sit right there on the floor and cry. This was all her fault, but she still didn’t want to face it.

"It's fine, Leslie. Really. Just go," Ben said, his tone low and the smile disappeared, as if keeping it up was too much of an effort.

Leslie wanted to protest. She wanted so badly to stay. She wanted to walk back towards the bed and plant a kiss on his lips. She wanted to hide under the blankets with Ben and never face her fiancé. She wanted to erase the previous night from her memory. She wanted to treasure it and replay it in her mind over and over again.

She was so fucked up.

Instead, she finished getting dressed and - with one last glance in Ben's direction, who had his eyes fixed on his own hands - left.

Leslie didn't realize she walked all over the divorce papers on her way out, still scattered on the floor.

\-----------------------------

It was a miracle that Leslie managed to get to her hotel before Dave. She immediately locked herself in the bathroom to shower, paranoid that her fiancé would be able to tell that she had been with another man if she didn't wash the previous night off. Her body seemed to scream in protest as she stepped into the shower, as if it didn't want to let go of the scent and the touch of Ben. Leslie stayed under the shower spray and allowed herself two minutes to cry as she leaned her forehead against the shower wall.

She knew what she had done had been wrong and she hated herself for it. She had no idea how she was going to face her fiancé after this. Should she tell Dave the truth? Should she confess and risk losing him? Should she keep it to herself and live with the guilt? Dave deserved better, but Leslie was afraid of the consequences of her actions. 

There was a part of her that had always known this was going to happen. She had found out that Ben was her husband and decided to look for him to put an end to their surprise marriage, and a part of her knew she would be too weak not to give in to him. No one knew her the way Ben did, no one understood her the way Ben did. And no one, no matter how skilled the man she had been with was, had known how to touch her quite like Ben. She had known that it would be hard to resist him, and she had been right.

But there was so much more than just lust and desire behind Ben's intentions. Leslie knew it; she had looked him in the eyes and had seen the same storm of emotions that Ben had carried in them all those years ago. And Ben had known all along that they were married. Fuck, what kind of twisted Lifetime movie was this? Leslie knew she should be mad at Ben for keeping that secret from her, but she couldn't find the strength within herself to do so. Not after listening to Ben's confession the previous day.

It was all so wrong, but if that were really the truth… then why did it feel so good? Why did it feel so _right_?

And that was the problem, wasn’t it? That being with Dave couldn’t hold a candle to being with Ben, in every sense of the word. Ben was everything to her, in ways Dave could never measure up to.

She really was so fucking screwed.

Leslie had no time to dwell on these thoughts. Everything was too confusing and stressful, and too much to handle in such little time, but she would have to push it out of her mind for now. Her fiancé was on the way, and until she decided if she was going to tell him or not about what had happened, she needed to act as normally as possible.

Dave arrived with a huge bouquet of flowers and guilt churned in Leslie's stomach. "Oh, Dave, you didn't have to - " 

"I was an ass to you yesterday, so yeah, I had to," Dave smiled broadly before moving in for a kiss. Leslie tried to respond normally to the touch of his lips when all she wanted to do was cry again. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," Leslie replied dutifully as she stepped away from Dave's arms. "How was your flight?"

"It was okay," Dave sat on the small armchair by the window and, once Leslie had put the flowers down, tugged on her hand to make her sit on his lap. He wrapped his arms around her. "I'm sorry for yelling yesterday. And for implying I would cancel the wedding. I would never do that. I know I've been putting a lot of pressure on you with this divorce business," Dave continued, kissing the clothed curve of her shoulder, where Ben had placed a good morning kiss earlier. "But you won't have to deal alone with it anymore. And I don't want you to worry about a thing today, okay? Today, we just enjoy ourselves. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. We'll worry about Ben signing the papers tomorrow."

That name on Dave's lips felt wrong and foreign, but Leslie began to feel sick with guilt and remorse, so she just nodded again and let her fiancé pull her into a kiss that felt just as wrong.

Walking around Partridge with Dave would've been wonderful if the circumstances had been different. This time, however, Leslie was on edge and so uncomfortable around her fiancé. She was scared Dave would notice something had happened, and she still didn't know if she would rather Dave heard it from her, than just finding out about it on his own. But how do you tell the man you are going to marry in a few weeks that you cheated on him with your ex-boyfriend, who also happens to be your husband, even if you had no idea?

Yes, this definitely was a Lifetime movie. 

That night, Dave took her out for dinner. As she ate, she thought of the simple lunch she had had at the park a few days earlier. She thought of the setting sun reflected in Ben's eyes, of the calming sound of the birds and Ben's soft voice. She thought of sitting on the dirt without a care in the world, because she was with Ben and that’s the only place she felt like she belonged.

Leslie looked at the man across the table from her and, fuck, she loved him. She did. Dave was a good man and showered her with affection, making sure she was taken care of and had what she needed. But Dave had never made her feel the way Ben had about the big things and more importantly, the little things. 

Dave touched the back of her hand and shocked her back to reality. "Are you okay? It looks like you're a million miles away."

Why was she being so foolish? There was no point in comparing Dave and Ben. They were two different people. Leslie had been perfectly happy just a few weeks ago, so why was she questioning everything now? She was being ridiculous. All she needed was right in front of her. "Yes. Sorry, I was just distracted."

"I know these past few days have been very hard on you, and I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner to help you through it. But everything will be alright. In just a few more weeks, we'll be married, and all of this will be a funny anecdote that we can tell at parties."

Leslie forced a smile on her face. She couldn't see how any of this could be seen as funny, especially Ben's current situation, but she decided not to argue. She was too tired to get into it.

She tried talking about the wedding for the rest of the meal, but for some reason, she couldn't remember the color of the flowers, the song for their first dance, or the pattern on the china she had chosen. She tried not to let it show that she was having a complete mental breakdown. She continued talking and laughing with her fiancé, while she felt like she was falling to pieces inside.

Leslie was sitting against the pillows in her hotel bed late that evening, scrolling through wedding blogs, when Dave came out of the bathroom, his hair still damp from the shower and only wearing a pair of boxers. He crawled onto the bed towards Leslie and kissed her shoulder. Leslie could immediately see where this was going.

She felt sick just thinking about it.

Ben's touch was still fresh and raw on her skin. If she closed her eyes, she could still see Ben above her, or him tasting her, or him smiling down at her. She could almost feel his delicious body throbbing against hers, and the vibrations in her chest as she moaned, coming undone in ways only Ben knew how to make her feel.

She pushed Dave's hand away when he put it on her thigh. "I'm sorry, I'm just so tired," Leslie was apologetic, yawning for effect. Dave frowned at her for a moment, but then painted a smile on his face.

"It's fine. I'm pretty tired too. Goodnight, Leslie."

Leslie put her computer down on the bedside table. "Goodnight."

They turned the lights off and tried to sleep, but Leslie was pretty sure they both stared up at the ceiling in the dark for a very long time.

It was as if Leslie's worst nightmares came true when, while having breakfast at the hotel restaurant the next morning, Dave announced: "I'm coming with you to see Ben today."

Leslie was taking a sip of her coffee. At Dave's words, she choked, and there was suddenly coffee dribbling out of her nose. She grabbed a napkin and tried to fix the mess she had made as gracefully as possible. "I… why?"

Dave shrugged nonchalantly. "Maybe seeing us together will be the last push and he'll finally sign those papers."

Leslie didn't even want to imagine what would happen when Ben found Dave at his doorstep. "I don't think that's a good idea. He may not react well."

Dave frowned and leaned over the table to look at her. "What is that supposed to mean? Is he a violent man?"

Leslie hesitated for just a second. No, Ben wasn’t, but he was in pain, and under a lot of pressure. The way he had pushed her against the wall outside of the bar was enough proof of that. She knew Ben would never hurt her, but she also knew it was hard for him to control himself.

Her hesitation was enough for her fiancé to bristle. "Has he done anything to you? Is that what you meant when you said he was being difficult?"

"No! No, Dave, he's - "

"I'm coming with you. I can't trust an unstable man around my fiancée. I don't want anything to happen to you, Leslie.”

"I can take care of myself, Dave," Leslie said through clenched teeth. “I’m not a baby and I don’t need you to be in cop mode.”

Dave squeezed her hand. "I know. But I still want to go with you. It'll make me feel a million times better if I can be with you for this."

There had to be a good excuse. Leslie needed to come up with the perfect excuse why Dave couldn't go with her. She thought as hard as she could, but nothing came to mind. When she was silent for a second too long, Dave took it as agreement and smiled at her.

She could almost see total disaster looming around them.

They went to Ben's apartment in the afternoon. Leslie wrung her hands anxiously during the entire ride over, while Dave looked out the window at the city passing by, unknowing that Leslie was having a nervous breakdown right beside him.

Leslie closed her eyes, tightened her hands on her lap and hoped with all she could muster that Ben wasn't home. Maybe this would be the day in which Ben finally decided to go do his laundry, or go grocery shopping. Something, anything. Leslie prayed to whoever existed out there that Ben's apartment would be empty, and that she would be able to convince Dave to not join her next time.

She felt like an encounter between Ben and Dave could be almost apocalyptic.

The car stopped in front of Ben's familiar building, and Dave paid before Leslie could even react. She was too worried about what was about to happen to even give a shit about her surroundings, and she exited the car in a daze, looking up at the apartment windows.

The last time she had been here, she had slept with Ben.

Her body still shuddered with the memories, trembled with the need to feel Ben's skin again. How could she be in the same room with Ben and her fiancé without Dave noticing how she was with Ben? It would be blatantly obvious, the tension and the attraction and the tug of war between them. Her body couldn’t help but react to Ben, and just the thought of seeing him again made her heart beat faster.

"Leslie? Are you coming?" Dave said, breaking her from her trance, standing by the doorway.

"Yeah, sorry," Leslie mumbled, as she followed him inside. “I’m right behind you.”

Her feet felt heavy as they walked up the stairs. Leslie exhaled very slowly and tried to be positive. Ben wouldn't be home, but if he was, she hoped he would act normally in front of Dave, because he cared about Leslie, and he wouldn't ruin this for her. He wouldn't put Leslie's imminent marriage at risk.

Yes, everything was going to be okay. And then Leslie would be able to deal with telling Dave the truth.

Or not.

She supposed that was still to be determined.

Leslie was the one who knocked on Ben's door, while Dave stood next to her, waiting patiently. No sounds came from inside the apartment. _Yes._ Yes, Ben wasn't home. This was perfect. Leslie knocked once again, just to seem like she wasn't giving up so easily.

"I guess he isn't here," Leslie said, keeping her tone carefully disappointed.

"Maybe we can go take a walk around the neighborhood and try again in a little while," Dave replied thoughtfully. "I would like to get this over with today."

"Yes, or we could - " Leslie began, already coming up with a million reasons why Dave shouldn't accompany her for a second visit. 

But all of them became completely irrelevant when the door opened.

Ben was home, after all. His eyes were red and swollen, and he looked worse for wear, exhausted and unkempt and falling apart. His beard was scraggly, and his hair was a messy mop on top of his head. His clothes were wrinkled, and Leslie could see that his apartment was just as bad as his appearance. Ben's eyes lit up when he saw Leslie, but every little fragment of hope that had surged into them vanished instantly when he noticed the man standing next to her. His gaze was empty again, devoid of emotion and completely dark once more. 

"Ben…" Leslie whispered softly, as if trying to calm a wild beast. She hadn’t known this new Ben long, but she knew what was coming. 

"What are you doing here, Knope?" Ben asked, tone gruff and harsh, glancing back at her as if he couldn't stand the sight of Dave.

There was something wrong with Ben's voice. It was… slurred? "Ben. Are you drunk?" Leslie questioned, forgetting about being cautious.

"That's none of your damn business, is it?" Ben replied, the venom lilting off his tongue. "Go away. I'm busy."

"We are not going anywhere until you sign the divorce papers. We're done playing games," Dave interrupted, and Ben turned to him with such visible fury that Leslie was surprised that Dave didn't take a step back. "We'll leave you alone as soon as you sign them."

"And who the fuck do you think you are to come to where I live and order me around?" Ben retorted in a loud, livid voice.

"I'm Dave, Leslie's fiancé," Dave said simply. “I’m here to help her take care of this mess.”

Those words seemed to unleash a whole storm of emotion in Ben's eyes. He clenched his teeth, tensing his jaw, and his knuckles were almost white where he was holding the door. The disaster Leslie had anticipated was close, but she didn't know how to stop this, not without hurting one of them.

"Get the fuck out of here," Ben said menacingly. "I'll sign those fucking papers whenever I fucking want to."

He started closing the door on their faces, but Dave's hand pressed against it, stopping him. "I don't think you understand. You don't have a choice. Sign those papers now, Ben."

Ben threw the door open and stepped into the hall to get right into Dave's face. "You son of a bitch, you think you can - "

Ben's next words didn't reach Leslie's ears, because all she could focus on now was her view into Ben's apartment. Pill bottles were scattered on the floor and the bedside table, and a half empty bottle of whiskey mixed with a few cans of beer adorned it.

Leslie pushed past them into the apartment, and began to collect the mess, causing the other two to go silent, staring at her. She put the pills back into the bottles, and peered under the bed, to ensure she got them all.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" 

"I know you think you need these, but you don't," Leslie said determinedly, holding the pills against her chest in case Ben tried to take them back. "You can't keep doing this, Ben."

"What I do with my life is none of your goddamn business," Ben replied angrily. “Put that shit back.”

Leslie ignored him, and marched toward the bathroom with the bottle of whiskey. Ben followed, stumbling in his haste to see what she would do. He watched aghast as Leslie threw the pills into the water, and then poured out the whiskey, pressing the flush lever to watch it disappear.

"Fuck you, Knope! Who the fuck gives you the right?" Ben shouted, and a few days ago, Leslie would've been scared of him, but now, she stood before him, not wavering. She knew that even if she pissed him off, Ben would never hurt her. Ben would never lay a hand on her. He had tortured herself over a mistake for years. If he hurt Leslie again in an even more meaningful way, Leslie didn't want to think of the drastic measures he would take.

"I give myself the right," Leslie said softly, looking him in the eyes and begging him to understand. "You need to stop hurting yourself, Ben. It's not worth it."

"You don't get to tell me what to do," Ben said, breathing heavily. "I'll fucking drink myself to death, if that's what I want to do."

Neither of them had noticed Dave standing by the door, watching them with his arms crossed over his chest until he spoke. "You have got to be kidding me, Leslie. You dated him?"

Ben turned to him so suddenly that he almost lost his balance, and had to hold himself up against the sink. He looked pathetic, broken down to his core, like he couldn't hate himself anymore than he did. Leslie felt like crying just looking at him, especially because she knew those words hurt him deeper than any other. With them, Dave was telling him something that had been torturing him for years: that he had never been good enough to be with Leslie.

"Dave, please stay out of this," Leslie begged, feeling completely torn. She couldn't deal with both of them at the same time. It was too much. Her whole life had been designed around the idea that Dave and Ben couldn't exist at the same time, in the same place, here together, as if they were from different universes.

"I'm just asking a question. I really can't understand what you saw in him," Dave continued, and this time it was blatantly obvious that he was provoking Ben.

Ben was fuming, but he had obviously had too much to drink, because when he tried to swing a punch at Dave, her fiancé avoided it easily, but the force of it sent Ben down to the floor, landing on his butt, and looking even more pitiful than he ever had. Leslie sucked in a breath when he barely missed hitting his head against the sink, and almost punched Dave herself when she saw the smirk on his face, evidently satisfied with how weak Ben looked and that his words had been effective.

"Ben, are you okay?" Leslie said, crouching next to him, concerned. "Are you hurt?"

"Leave me alone," Ben muttered, and this time he sounded so hurt that Leslie had to bite her lip to hold back the tears. "Just get the fuck out of my apartment and leave me alone."

Leslie didn't want to leave him. She wanted to stay with him and hold him. But Dave wouldn't leave without her, and she knew it. She tried placing her hand comfortingly on Ben's arm, but he flinched away from her touch. "Are there any more pills hidden in the apartment, Ben?" Ben didn't answer, and Leslie was dying to smooth the hair off of his forehead and kiss him there, like a small child who needed love. "If you don't tell me, I'll search the entire place. It'll be easier if you tell me."

Ben was exhausted. She could see it in his eyes, the dark marks under them. Leslie wouldn't have been surprised if he hadn't slept since waking up that morning with Leslie in his arms. "No," he said in the lowest of voices.

Leslie smiled at him encouragingly. "Okay."

"Leslie, let's get out of here. He won't sign the papers, drunk as he is now," Dave said from his spot near the doorway. "We'll call our lawyer, so we don't have to deal with him anymore."

Ben was shaking, and Leslie didn't know if it was because of the rage taking over him or the pain. Either way, she looked at her fiancé over her shoulder with a murderous look and exclaimed: "Shut up, Dave."

"Get the fuck out of my apartment," Ben bellowed, breathing heavily, hands shaking. "Now. Get the fuck out of here now."

Leslie was reluctant to leave him on his own like this. She hesitated. "I… I could call Stephanie, if you want. Let me call her, at least, so she can - "

"Don't you fucking dare," Ben spat at her furiously. "Stay out of my damn business, Knope! Leave me alone! Like you even care! Stop fucking pretending you care about me!"

It felt as if someone had shot a bullet straight though her chest and hit her heart. Leslie watched him, hurting immeasurably herself. She knew why Ben was saying this, but she had never, _ever_ stopped caring about him, even when she was angry and hurt and heartbroken.

"Get out!" Ben started screaming, and he didn't stop. "Get out, get out, get out!"

The words echoed around the apartment, even as Ben covered his head with his arms and hid his face against his raised knees. He was like a broken record playing, screaming the same words over and over, and all Leslie could do was stay there frozen and watch him, not knowing how to reach out to him and pull him back to the surface, anywhere where he wouldn't be drowning in his own suffering.

But Dave grabbed Leslie's elbow and pulled her to her feet. As long as Dave was there, Leslie couldn't help Ben. She couldn't be both Dave's Leslie and Ben's Leslie at the same time. She didn't know how. She wasn't sure if both of them could coexist.

As Dave guided her out of the apartment and towards the stairs, Leslie could still hear Ben screaming for them to get out, and she wasn't sure if he was yelling at her and her fiancé, or at the fears and pain and the demons that took up residence in his head.

\-------------------------------------

"What the hell did you think you were doing?"

They were back in Leslie’s hotel room, wanting to avoid making a public scene with their fighting. Dave seemed startled by her question. He looked at her with wide eyes. "I'm sorry, what do you mean?"

"What do I mean? The way you talked to Ben! You had no right to say any of those things to him, Dave!" Leslie exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air in frustration.

Dave laughed incredulously. "Are you serious right now? I had no right to talk to _him_ like that? And who is he to refuse to sign the divorce papers? Who is he to stop us from getting married? Don't you see that he is ruining everything? He's mocking us! He's making us waste our time!"

"He's not okay! Didn't you see him? He's not okay, Dave!"

"Yeah, what's the deal with that guy? Has he always been an alcoholic, or is this something new? Because I was being honest. I really don't see what you saw in him." Dave said, sitting casually in the armchair, as if they were discussing anything other than this.

Leslie was fuming now. "Why are you being so insensitive?"

"Why are you letting him manipulate you? Don't you see what he's doing? Maybe he's still in love with you, maybe he's still bitter about what happened between you two, and he's getting back at you! He found the perfect way to ruin your life again, Leslie!”

"He's not manipulating me. You don't know him, Dave!"

"Well, you don't know him either!" Dave exclaimed, clearly getting frustrated with her and the situation at hand. "You haven't seen the guy in years, and you can't honestly say he's the same he was when you two were dating! You don't know him now, Leslie. You don't know what he's capable of. He's an alcoholic and drug addict - "

"He's not a drug addict! He has issues, yes, but he's - " Leslie raised her voice, needing to silence Dave's words, but her fiancé interrupted.

"Why are you defending him?" Dave asked, now visibly hurt. "Why is he more important than us? Why do you keep doing this? Why are you sabotaging our wedding?"

" _I'm_ sabotaging our wedding? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! I've been working my ass off planning this wedding for months! Why would you ever think I’m trying to ruin it?" Leslie protested, ignoring the other questions.

But Dave wasn't letting her off the hook. "Why is he so important to you? Why is a man who broke your heart three years ago more important than the relationship you have now, with the man you are about to marry? What makes you put him ahead of everything else in your life, even though you haven't seen him in so long?"

Leslie groaned, irritated. "Why do you always have to do this? This is completely insane!"

"It's not! I think it's perfectly logical to feel insecure when your fiancée can't let go of her ex-boyfriend!"

"I just want to help him! He wasn't only my boyfriend, Dave. He was my best friend too. I can't see him like this!" Leslie was on the verge of the tears. Her stress levels were going up and her desperation was up to par. She didn't know how much longer she could keep doing this. "Is it a crime to help someone? How could you walk away from a thing like this?"

Dave ran a hand over his eyes, as if the whole situation exhausted him. "All I'm saying is that he's always been a shadow hanging over our heads, Leslie. When you didn't want people even mentioning his name, you were allowing him to get between us. Now he's actually in our way, and you can't blame me for wanting to know whose side you're on."

Leslie leaned against the wall, feeling just as tired, as the fire of her anger seemed to dim a little. "Why does there have to be sides in this? There shouldn't be sides in this, Dave."

"The fact that we have argued about this same thing three times in just a handful of weeks means there are sides, Leslie. And right now, I'm not sure if you're on my side at all.”

Leslie felt a pang of guilt stab her. She'd hurt two of the most wonderful men she'd ever met. Ben might have been hurting longer, but that didn't mean Dave hurt any less. Leslie didn't want to risk her relationship with Dave, but she couldn't cut Ben loose on his own yet either.

She wasn't sure if she would ever be able to stay away from Ben completely.

There was one thing Dave was absolutely right about: Ben had always been a shadow hanging over them. There hadn't been a single man that Leslie had met and dated that she hadn't compared to Ben. There hadn't been a single day when she hadn't thought of her ex-boyfriend and wondered what would have happened if things had worked out between them.

Ben Wyatt was the kind of man that once he owned someone's heart, he really owned it. He’d always had hers. Despite the years and the heartache, Leslie had always known that. She had learned to move on, had found Dave and started all over, but she would always remember Ben, the good and the bad, because Ben had been the great true love she had been searching for. She loved Dave with all her heart. But she also knew that no one had ever managed to make her heart beat as strongly, wildly and hopelessly as Ben had.

"I don't know what to say, Dave," Leslie admitted finally, defeated. "It's your ring I'm wearing on my finger. It's you I'm marrying soon. Just because I want to help him, doesn't mean I love you any less."

Dave was silent for a long moment, but then looked up at her with a sad smile. "You can't help him, Leslie. I don't think anyone can help him anymore."

And just like that, Dave had put into words Leslie's greatest fear.

\-------------------------------------

Things were still tense between Leslie and her fiancé the next morning. They didn't speak much at breakfast in the hotel restaurant, neither able to repair the rift between them. There were so many things Leslie didn't know if she could ever fix again.

While Dave was in the shower, Leslie sat on the armchair with her computer. She was supposed to be heading up a new project at work, but despite her best efforts, she couldn't focus.

Leslie didn't want to go back to Pawnee.

It was like a slap on the face, the realization. Leslie had never felt more at home than in Pawnee. It _was_ her home. The greatest city to ever exist. But right now, she wanted to stay right where she was. She knew there was work piling up on her desk. She knew there were still decisions to be made for the wedding. She knew Dave couldn't stay in Partridge forever.

She also knew that she couldn't leave until she did everything she could to help Ben.

It was ridiculous, wanting to put her life on the line for someone else, someone who wasn't even a real part of her life anymore, who had hurt her so deeply. But this was Ben.

Pawnee was home, but Ben was everything.

Dave was ready to go back, and Leslie was aware of that. He had work waiting for him. His patience had run out already and he didn't want to deal with Ben. He had mentioned once again the previous night that they would have to contact their lawyer and ask him to handle the divorce, since Ben didn’t seem capable of cooperating. Leslie's stomach had churned at the idea, knowing how much more painful that would be for Ben, but at the same time, she couldn't blame Dave for wanting to move things along. They really didn't have much time left.

Leslie closed her laptop, and rubbed her temples, feeling the tension building into another headache. It was pointless to attempt to get any work done, with the situation here on the verge of boiling.

She was considering getting a coffee (and like, thirty sugars because, duh) at the shop down the street, when there was a knock at the door. She rose to answer it, assuming it was the housekeeper. It was not, in fact, any member of the hotel staff. 

It was Ben.

Ben was standing in front of her, looking uncomfortable and just as tired as the previous day, though obviously sober this time.

"Ben…" Leslie murmured, and it suddenly felt like all the air had been sucked out of her lungs. Just the sight of him was enough to send shivers down her spine, all the way to her toes.

"Hi," Ben said timidly. He peered into the room. "Um… Is Dave here?"

"He's in the shower," Leslie answered, fighting the urge to pull him into her arms. “Do you… do you need something?”

Ben looked small and pale, a very tiny version of himself. He had shaved now, which had to be a good sign, right? Old Ben Wyatt seemed to appear before her, only slightly, but it was him, clean face that made her a little more sure that he was still in there somewhere. His eyes were red and hollow, with shadows under them, either from lack of sleep or from crying.

"I… I wanted to apologize. To both of you," Ben began quietly. "I don't remember half of the things I said yesterday, but they probably weren't all that nice."

"It's okay. We shouldn't have gone to your apartment like that. I shouldn't have let him come with me," Leslie said immediately, wanting to convey to Ben that that wasn’t at all how she had wanted it to go either. She hadn’t wanted to ambush him. "I'm sorry, Ben."

"No. No, you have nothing to be sorry for, remember?" Ben tried to smile but it was a failed attempt. He swallowed with difficulty before continuing. "Once I, um… sobered up, I realized what an ass I've been. I realized that I've hated myself for hurting you for years, but now that I actually have the chance to give you some semblance of happiness back, I'm being selfish."

Leslie wrapped her arms around herself. "What do you mean?"

"I signed them. You have this chance to be happy, to marry a good guy and have the life you've always wanted, and I'm not going to be the one to ruin that. I don't ever want to be the one to ruin your plans and your happiness ever again, Leslie."

There were tears running down Leslie's face before she even noticed, before she could even stop them. She wiped them away hastily when they blurred her vision. "Ben…"

"I hope he makes you the happiest woman in the world. I really do. You've always deserved someone who could make you the happiest woman in the world," Ben whispered, as he twisted the envelope in his hands. It was as if he still wasn't ready to hand it over. "I'm sorry I couldn't be the one to make all your dreams come true. I'm sorry I broke all the promises I ever made to you. I'm sorry I broke your heart, because it's one of the most precious things a man could have. I'm sorry I kept this - " he added, gesturing to the papers in his hands, " - from you for so long just to make myself feel better. And I'm sorry for giving you such a hard time these past few days, when you needed my help. I know it doesn't change anything, but I was afraid to sign these, because even though it's been three years… I still don't know how to let go of you."

"Ben…" Leslie whimpered, a sob breaking through her lips. She didn’t know what to say and all she could choke out was his name.

"I'm just so sorry, for everything."

"Please, just - "

"I love you," Ben interrupted, making Leslie's breath stutter and sending her reeling. "I've always loved you, even when I fucked everything up. You're the only woman I've ever really loved and the only one I will ever really love, and though I know it doesn't change anything, that it doesn't fix anything, and that it isn't worth anything now… I just needed to tell you."

It isn't worth anything. That it meant nothing. As if being loved by Ben Wyatt wasn’t enough. Ben thought he wasn’t enough for her? 

God, he was _everything_. 

Leslie’s tears fell harder when she realized Ben didn't believe that anything in him could be worth it, not even his ability to love after so much heartbreak.

"So that's what I came here to say. Please tell Dave how sorry I am for everything," Ben said, before thrusting the envelope unexpectedly into Leslie's hands. "Goodbye, Leslie."

Leslie wanted to stop him, wanted with every fiber in her being to keep him from leaving her again. 

But Ben practically fled down the corridor as if he couldn't stand to be there for another second. Leslie should've chased after him, something she hadn’t done three years ago, but she couldn't move. It was as if her whole body had been frozen in place with those words: _I love you._

Leslie had known Ben loved her. It was in his lasting pain, his careful glances, his heated kisses. But hearing those words again in Ben's voice had paralyzed her. She hadn't thought she would hear him say them.

Leslie looked down at the envelope in her hands. She didn't dare open it.

_You should have run after him._

She leaned against the wall, sick to her stomach and whispered with a sob, "I should have run after him."

When Dave came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, Leslie was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at the divorce papers resting on her lap and barely holding her tears back.

"I was thinking we could book our plane tickets for – Leslie?" Dave stopped on his way to his laptop that was resting on his bedside table. He frowned. "What's going on?"

"Ben stopped by," Leslie ground out in a hoarse voice. She raised the papers for Dave to see. "He signed them."

A wide grin spread across Dave's face and he clapped his hands together. "That's fantastic! Finally! We should -" He paused when he realized Leslie wasn't joining in on the celebration. "Leslie?"

"I slept with him." Leslie said clearly, not holding back from the truth now, her eyes fastened on Ben's signature, the same curvy script she remembered from all those love letters Ben had sent her when they were together. "The night before you got here."

It was Dave’s turn to be completely and utterly frozen now, staring at her like he couldn’t believe what had just come out of her mouth. "You..."

"I'm sorry," Leslie interrupted, because she needed to get this off her chest. "I'm sorry. You… you didn't deserve it, Dave. I'm really sorry."

"You slept with him," Dave repeated, but now he just sounded wounded. “You slept with Ben.”

"Yes. And it was my fault, before you start blaming him," Leslie explained, and it shocked her how calm she suddenly felt. How light she felt. She just wanted to be honest. She was so tired, of everything. "I… I went to his apartment, after we argued on the phone, and I admit I was a little out of control and a little too stressed, so I didn't approach it very well. He exploded, we argued, and then he… just told me everything. He just… he spoke so sincerely and I understood so many things that had been a mystery to me until then… and I kissed him."

"Just because he was honest with you?" Dave asked, completely bewildered. "You kissed him and slept with him because he decided to have an honest conversation with you?"

"No," Leslie shook her head and clutched the papers against her chest, cradling them like a shield. "I did it because I love him."

It was like the walls fell around them. The silence was charged and tense, and Leslie felt herself tremble with the admission. Dave remained completely motionless for a few long seconds, and then he looked down, away from Leslie, as if he needed to regroup before facing her again.

"I'm sorry," Leslie said again, because she had never felt so guilty and so wrong in her entire life. "I guess I should've known this was going to happen, and maybe I should've handled things differently to avoid it, but… Dave, the truth is that I've been in love with Ben since the day he came to Pawnee, and I will be in love with him until the day I die."

"So… what you're trying to say is that you don't love me?

Leslie's face softened. Fate had given her this wonderful man, but Leslie didn't deserve him. "Of course I love you, Dave. I'm just… I'm just not in love with you. I made myself believe that I was because I desperately wanted to be over him, and because I desperately wanted to be able to build a whole new life that didn't revolve around him."

Dave nodded slowly, and then walked towards the bed, taking a seat right next to Leslie. He was still not looking at her. "I… I've always known. That you still loved him, I mean. That thing I said about him being a shadow between us, that was true, Leslie. I've always known he was the one for you, and that I'm just the man you settled for because you couldn't have him."

"Dave, no. _No._ I didn't settle. You are - "

"It doesn't matter. You would have never been with me if there was even a remote chance that you could have Ben," Dave shrugged sadly. "Like I said, I've always known."

Leslie took a very deep breath to brace herself. She knew exactly what was coming, and she wasn't exactly eager to face it. She had never wanted to hurt anybody but she had, and now things had to end this way.

"I did manage to make you happy, right?" Dave asked quietly, and Leslie smiled at him, grateful that he _had_ made her happy, indeed, just not in the ways that Ben could.

"Yes, you definitely did. I wouldn't have agreed to marry you if I wasn't happy with you.”

"Then marry me anyway," Dave proposed, causing Leslie's eyes to widen. He stood in front of Leslie and grabbed her hand, stroking the band on her finger lovingly. "I love you, Leslie. I've never loved anyone the way I love you and - "

"Dave…" Leslie started saying, but Dave didn't give her enough time to say more.

"Wait, hear me out," Dave squeezed her hand and looked into her eyes intently. "You've just said that you're happy with me. As long as I can make you happy, I'll be happy. We can have a wonderful life together, and maybe with time, you'll learn to fall in love with me a little bit more, and even if you don't… I'll understand. Leslie, I've had to share you since the moment I met you. You always belonged to him. But I don't care, as long as I can still give you a reason to smile."

Leslie was filled with the deepest regret and guilt. She had given this man hope and illusions, and she was tearing them apart now. She had promised her love and her life to him, only to realize she had already given them to someone else, someone who had owned them all along. Leslie had never planned this. She had only tried to do her best with the pieces of her broken heart.

"I can't marry you, Dave," Leslie was firm, but she hated herself for having to say those words. "It wouldn't be fair to you."

"I want to. Leslie, I want to," Dave practically pleaded. "Nothing has to change."

"But Ben - " 

"Ben can't give you the life you deserve and you know it as well as I do. He's not the man you fell in love with, Leslie. He's a different man with many issues, and even if you love him, you know you can't have the life you want with him.”

"But that's the thing, Dave. I don't think I care what kind of life I have, as long as I get to have him."

And it was true. She didn’t. All she wanted was Ben.

"Leslie…" Dave shook his head vehemently. "Please. Just… think about it. We can fix this. We can still be happy together."

Leslie pulled her hand away from Dave's and looked down at her engagement ring. For a few months, looking at it had reassured her. She had managed to build a new life with a new man even after how damaged she had been when Ben broke her heart. 

Now it was a heavy burden. Every second she kept the ring on her finger was another second that she allowed Dave to hope and want for something she couldn't give him.

She took the ring off and placed it in Dave’s hand, curling his fist for him around it. "I'm sorry, Dave. I really wanted to be the wife you deserved."

Only then did Leslie finally break down, realizing she was giving up a rare chance of having a perfect life, with a perfect man. Everything with Ben was uncertain and she was risking what she had built for her future, while breaking Dave's heart in the process.

Leslie had never hated herself more than she did in that moment. After years of healing and learning how to love and trust again, she was taking a million steps back just to fall into Ben's arms once again.

She just hoped Ben would catch her this time.

\-----------------------------

As soon as Ben stepped out of the hotel after handing Leslie the divorce papers, he realized he was shaking violently. He covered his mouth with his hand, and thought for a moment that he was going to be sick. He stumbled down the street, needing to just get away from there.

He walked aimlessly down the street, only knowing he needed to put some distance between him and the building where everything had ended. Ben felt lost. For years, his whole life had revolved around Leslie. For the past few years, that secret marriage had been the crutch he had leaned on when he couldn't find strength to get on his feet. Now, in the blink of an eye, everything was over.

He had finally let go of Leslie and he felt completely empty now, like he didn't even have a purpose.

He somehow ended up at a park, and he let himself drop onto a bench. Ben hugged his knees against his chest and cried bitterly into his own arms. He was scared. Being Leslie's husband had given him a sense of belonging, but now he was completely alone, and he was just Ben again.

And he hadn't liked being Ben in a very, very long time.

Where would he go? What would he do? Some of the thoughts running through his mind terrified him. He had never felt anything stronger than his feelings for Leslie, both pain and happiness. The pain was choking him now, and he couldn't see through his tears.

"I did the right thing," Ben mumbled to himself. "I did the right thing."

Leslie deserved the happiness he hadn't been able to give her. Dave seemed to be a good guy and he had won Leslie's heart. Ben couldn't stand in their way. Even if this was killing him, he knew he had done the right thing.

It still didn't mean he wasn't scared. 

He just wanted to be somewhere where he could stop feeling so alone.

Without a second thought - because he knew he would change his mind if he thought about it any more than a moment’s wonder - Ben stood and started walking. This time, he had a direction and he walked steadily even though he hadn't stopped shaking. He walked and walked until the streets started looking achingly familiar, until the traffic slowed down and the buildings disappeared and were replaced by beautiful homes. He walked down streets lined with trees and the distant sound of children playing and riding their bikes.

He walked until he was on a doorstep in front of a door he hadn't knocked on in years.

This time, he did knock.

Ben wrapped his arms around himself as he waited, and wiped away at the tears that had collected on his cheeks. _I did the right thing._

When the door finally opened, Ben found himself face to face with his sister for the first time in years. Stephanie looked exactly the same, maybe with a few grey strands on her hair, but just as Stephanie Wyatt as ever. His sister's eyes widened in shock at seeing him there, and Ben felt the rest of his walls coming down completely, crumbling around him. He had no strength left to keep them up.

"Steph…" Ben murmured, doing his best not to cry. There was so much he wanted to say, after so long without his sister, but all the words got tangled and lost and he couldn’t form a single solitary syllable. _I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone. I did the right thing._

Instead, he managed to say the one thing he hadn't dared say in years. 

"Steph… I need help."


	11. Chapter 11

He had been so stupid. Why had he thought Stephanie would help him? He didn't deserve to be helped. He had hurt himself, but also her in the process, and he would certainly understand if Stephanie wanted to curse him out and never speak to him again. The longer Stephanie remained silent, staring at him in disbelief, the more Ben regretted coming back to see his sister. He kept his arms wrapped around himself, knowing it was the only thing keeping him together right now, and lowered his eyes to his shoes when her gaze felt like too much.

"Ben," Stephanie said, sounding bewildered. She shook her head slightly, and cleared her throat, leaving all her questions unasked for now. She looked back over her shoulder at the empty corridor and then back at her brother. "Why don't you come in?"

Ben glanced back at her at those words. He had expected Stephanie to give him some sort of excuse and dismiss him. Some other time, if he had been angry as he used to be, he would've lashed out at Stephanie, but not now. He was done hiding behind his anger, especially since he had always only been angry at himself.

Stephanie opened the door wider, inviting Ben to step inside. He entered cautiously, feeling like he was stepping into the past. He hadn't been here in years, but it felt exactly the same, warm and welcoming as ever. This had been the best home Ben had ever had. When he lived with his parents, he had always felt like he was constantly choking, waiting for the moment when he could break free. His parents hadn't made it any easier for him either. They had never bothered to deny their displeasure with him, particularly after Ice Town. His current apartment was a dumpster, a refuge more than a home, somewhere where he could hide from the world and wallow in his own anguish without people bothering him. But this… this house was everything Ben imagined a home was. The memories of living with his sister and finally feeling like he was part of a loving family had been pushed to the back of his mind when they had become too painful to think about.

Stephanie guided him into the kitchen, which also looked just as Ben remembered it. The only change seemed to be the drawings held by magnets on the refrigerator's door. He had to bite his lips to stop his tears. His nieces were old enough to walk, talk and draw now. He had missed so, so much.

"Take a seat," Stephanie said, sounding a bit awkward. Ben couldn't blame her. He felt the tension too. "I'll make some coffee and we can talk."

Ben nodded, still taken aback that she had even allowed him inside. "Yeah, I… I'd like that."

"Good." 

Ben forced himself to unclench his hands, and clasped them against the surface of the table, trying to still their constant tremors. He had no idea what was going to happen next, or what Stephanie was going to say or do to him.

_I did the right thing._

If he had done the right thing, why did he feel so sick?

Stephanie had been watching him as she searched for the coffee in the cupboard. "Have you eaten lately?"

The question confused Ben for a moment. He remembered getting up this morning and throwing up all the alcohol and pills that were still in his system. He remembered drinking the previous day. He couldn't remember a single meal. "I… no. Not since… um…"

Wordlessly, Stephanie walked towards the fridge and pulled it open. She stared at the contents for a moment, and then pulled several things out, before moving to the pantry and doing the same. Ben looked at her for a second, but then returned his eyes to his own hands. It seemed easier that way. It seemed easier to ignore that he and his sister were practically strangers now.

A white plate appeared before him soon after, with a sandwich on it. Ben blinked up at his sister, feeling lost.

"Club sandwich?" Stephanie asked. She looked serious, but her eyes were fixed on Ben. "That's still your favorite sandwich, right?"

Ben felt a little choked up. His lower lip trembled. "I… yes. Yes, it's still my favorite."

"I know it’s not a calzone, but eat up," Stephanie directed, going back to finish making their coffee. "You look like you need it."

Ben ate slowly. It didn't matter how long it had been since he had had a decent meal, he was still too overwhelmed to be truly hungry. He couldn't stop thinking about Leslie and what life was going to be like from now on. He felt blind, like he couldn't see ahead. His immediate future was enveloped in darkness and it was all so uncertain.

Stephanie put two cups of coffee on the table and sat in front of him. She watched her older brother for a minute or two without saying anything, and Ben waited, wishing Stephanie could be the one to get the conversation started but he knew he was the one who had to explain himself. He might have been older than her, but he felt like a small child, hurt and broken and in need of love, and she was his mother hen.

He noticed how quiet the house was. He chewed another bite of sandwich and then asked: "Where's, uh, Jake?"

He knew his brother-in-law wouldn't be thrilled to see him, and he didn't want to cause his sister any trouble. Maybe he should've thought this through a little better.

“He's out with the girls.” 

_The girls._ God, he missed them so much. He kept his eyes on his sandwich, realizing he couldn't swallow any more food. There was a lump in his throat. "How are the girls?"

"Great. Getting bigger every day," Stephanie said, the fondness and pride clear in her voice.

Silence fell upon them once more and Ben fought to keep his thoughts in order. So much had happened in just a few hours, and he felt like running away and screaming at the top of his lungs.

_I did the right thing._

"Ben," Stephanie said in a firm, but gentle voice. Ben looked up at her, startled out of his own thoughts. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

Ben started nervously picking at his nails. "I don't really know where to start."

"Well, you said you needed help," Stephanie offered, prompting him. 

"Yeah, but… I… it's too complicated," Ben was picking so hard at his nails that he was about to draw blood. He almost jumped a foot in the air when Stephanie put her hand on top of his to stop him.

"Whatever you need to say… I'm here, and I'll listen, Ben," she assured him, and it took all the strength Ben had left not to crumble on the table and cry.

Those words were enough to make Ben feel sufficiently safe to start talking. "I… I guess it all started back in Pawnee. Well, you know what, no… after Ice Town. When I… you know the story. I’m not sure I ever really got over that. I think it made me fragile and sensitive, like I handled it but if something else ever came along that was bad, it would break me. And Leslie… it broke me, Steph. I know everyone thought that I would just go to Pawnee and do my job and get the hell out of there, but she was… she was different. She was different and the town was different and the people were different. I fell in love with it all, including her. But I knew from the start that she had big dreams and she was going places and eventually push would come to shove. And I chose to get involved with her anyways, despite all of the risks and the heartbreak I knew was coming. I _knew_. Leslie and I…” Ben paused, taking in a breath. It was hard enough, talking to Stephanie after all of these years. But these subjects? He wished he didn’t have to do this. But he would. “We never really talked about the imminent. We were just in this bubble, enjoying each other for as long as we could until it happened. I think we both knew, but we were denying it. And then… then she had these local political advisors meeting with her and fuck, Steph, I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t. But I did it, for her. Always for her. I would do anything for her, and I did. At the time, it hurt but I thought it was the right thing to do. It killed me, but I felt content that I didn’t stand in the way of her dreams.”

"You did the right thing, Ben," Stephanie muttered, trying to comfort him. “Even if it hurt.”

"No. I mean… rationally I knew I did. I did know that, and I still know it now. But what that did to me… I would rather go through the whole Ice Town debacle again and again, than do what I did." Ben toyed with his cup of coffee, needing to do something with his hands. "I should've been stronger - no, no, please, let me speak," Ben rushed to say when it seemed like Stephanie was about to interrupt. "I… it's not easy for me, to talk about all this."

"I'm sorry. I won't interrupt," Stephanie promised and took a sip of coffee as she waited for Ben to continue. “Keep going.”

"Well… you know most of what happened afterwards. I didn't want to be in Pawnee anymore, I didn’t want that job anymore, so I ended up here with you. Things were hard, but I pretended to be over it, because I thought it would be easier to go on with my life like that. I thought that eventually, it would stop hurting and I could move on. And you know what? For awhile, it kind of felt like that. I didn’t see blonde hair and blue eyes around me anymore. I didn’t see her smile or hear her laugh in everything around me. It kind of started to all fade away and I thought, finally… this is it.” 

“Except it wasn't. And then later, Chris called me and told me he was marrying Ann, and he invited me to the wedding and the bachelor party. The bachelor party was in Las Vegas, so I decided to go. A part of me was hoping Leslie would be there, but I was sure she would be with the girls," Ben sighed. He still remembered the shock of seeing Leslie standing in the hotel lobby with Ann. He remembered how Leslie had looked up and their eyes had locked onto each other. He remembered how Leslie had looked away immediately, ignoring him completely. 

"But she was there. They had a joint party, so everyone was there. I wanted to turn around and come back to Partridge immediately, but I stayed. Chris was a good friend, and I couldn't just walk away. Then, that night, we all got drunk. I wasn't completely inebriated like most of them though. I remember everything that happened… and… the more Leslie drank, the looser she got. She actually… she talked to me. She was angry at first, and she told me she hated me, and that I had ruined everything, and how she couldn't stop thinking about me. She kissed me, at some point. I was so happy to see her again, to touch her again. The more we kissed, the happier she seemed too, and I was living for that. God, I just wanted to see her happy and she was again, with me. And then, somehow… we ended up at one of those stupid chapels and we… we got married."

At this, he looked at Stephanie with an embarrassed expression on his face, his cheeks flushed red. Stephanie must have heard that from Leslie, however, because she simply nodded and gestured for him to continue.

"Um…" Ben hesitated. The memories from that night kept rushing back and hitting him like a freight train. He remembered Leslie's enthusiastic I do and the misplaced, sloppy kiss she gave Ben once they were declared as husband and wife. That night was etched into his mind, how Leslie had pulled him into her hotel room and pushed him down on the bed. They had kissed and made love until they passed out. "I woke up the following day and realized what we had done. But I was really, really stupid… God, I didn't even… I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want her to be mad at me again, to hate me again and I… I left. I just grabbed my things and returned to Partridge and never told anyone that Leslie and I had gotten married." He ran his hand through his messy hair and tugged a little, desperate for something to ground him. "I wanted to call her, to let her know what had happened, but I wasn't brave enough. Something finally felt right for the first time in years, and I was so stupid and I didn't want to let it go, so I just - "

"You stayed married to her," Stephanie finished for him, and Ben looked at her with a sad smile.

"Yeah. I thought… a part of me thought it would make things easier. I felt a little better, knowing that we belonged to each other, even though it was so wrong. Trust me, I know I’m a huge piece of shit for keeping it from her. But it was all I knew how to do."

Stephanie nodded slowly. "I can't say that what you did was right, but I guess I understand why you did it."

Ben looked down at his plate, at his half-eaten sandwich. "It only got worse though. For a little while, it seemed like being Leslie's husband helped, but then… I was still going to bed alone at night, and I still didn't have her around to share things with. I couldn't even see her or talk to her. So I… I guess I let it destroy me. That's when I stopped doing any job I really loved. I left accounting and government, and I started working at the bar."

"That was more stupid than marrying Leslie, if you ask me," Stephanie muttered under her breath, but when Ben glared at her, she rolled her eyes. "Fine. No interruptions. Go on."

Ben swallowed. He was so ashamed of what was coming next. "Uh, I believe that's when I started drinking? I’ve never given up control like that. I’ve never drank more than a beer or two. I didn't realize what I was doing at first, I just knew that when I got drunk, I didn't think so hard and things didn't hurt the way they did when I was sober. And then, not very long after that, um… that incident with the girls happened."

When Ben paused, Stephanie nodded again. Her eyes were darker and severe. "I remember."

"Stephanie, I'm so… I don't think I ever apologized for that. I never meant to cause any harm. I just… I couldn't control myself," Ben felt the tears running down his cheeks and he wiped them away quickly, even more ashamed. struggled to hold back a sob that was threatening to break through his lips. "I just couldn’t take it anymore. Everything had built up and finally boiled over. And I just lost it. I'm sorry, Stephanie. I'm sorry." He covered his face with his hands and felt his shoulders shake with the force of his repressed sobs. "I love those girls. I love them. I would never hurt them. I'm so unbelievably sorry."

He heard the sound of a chair scrape against the floor, and then suddenly Stephanie's arms were around him, and Ben was letting go and burying his face in his sister's chest and crying harder than he had cried in years. It was all too much. Life hurt too much.

"It's okay, Benji," Stephanie whispered in his ear. "I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone. I know. It's okay now."

"It's not," Ben protested. "It's _not_. My whole family hates me. Something could have happened to them, because I couldn't hold my shit together for two hours."

"Nothing happened to them. Violet and Lily are okay. Yes, you made a mistake and Jake and I were mad at you, but it's in the past now, Ben. I promise. It's okay," Stephanie dropped on the chair next to his and pulled him closer, hugging him tightly. “I forgive you.”

He allowed his sister to hold him for a few minutes, taking comfort in knowing Stephanie was right there. God, he had missed her. Even though he had pretended like he didn't need anybody, Ben had missed his family.

Stephanie pulled away then and squeezed his shoulder gently. "Are you ready to continue? Or do you want some time?"

"No, I… I should probably get this over with," Ben sniffed and wiped the tears off his face before taking a deep breath. "Well… after that, things just got worse somehow. Everything seemed harder, and Leslie's absence was like a physical pain, like something I couldn't get rid of, something that was weighing on me. I felt like I was completely alone, and I knew it was all my fault, and I just… I wanted that pain to stop. So I…" God, he felt so pathetic. "I started taking pills. Painkillers, mostly. There were lots of them."

"Ben…" 

Ben hung his head in shame. "I know. I know, Stephanie. I just… I didn't know what I was doing. And there were also the hook ups. I was having one night stands pretty much every night. I guess I just needed to feel something, anything but the pain, you know? I wanted to forget about her and forget about what I had done. So I let go. I stopped caring about what I did and who I was with, and I just did a lot of stupid things. I thought it would work. It was easier than feeling sorry for myself all the time, and it was definitely easier than crying about everything I had lost." 

He paused then. There was no point in getting into any more details about that. Stephanie didn't need to know about the time he had mixed so many different pills he almost overdosed, or all of the times he had gotten so high and so drunk that he couldn’t remember how he had even gotten home. 

"And then Leslie showed up."

Stephanie knew a bit about what had happened since Leslie had arrived, but Ben filled in the blanks. He told her how hard it had been to see her again, and how he had known exactly why Leslie was there before Leslie had brought up the divorce. He told Stephanie how he avoided her at first because he was too scared of having to learn how to live without that tiny little thread of gold that kept them together, that invisible string, because despite how miserable his life was, this little secret, knowing that he was connected to Leslie, was enough to make him get up every morning.

He told Stephanie how it got harder and harder to see Leslie and be around her, and how he could barely control himself with her. He told her about pushing Leslie against the wall outside the bar that night, and how scared of him Leslie had looked. It had shattered Ben, to know that Leslie had feared him. But Leslie kept pushing him, and Ben was on the edge. He was having a hard time stopping himself from kissing Leslie.

"I would never hurt her," Ben sobbed. " _Never._ I would never lay a hand on her. But she thought… how can I blame her?"

Stephanie rubbed his back as Ben finished telling her everything. He told her about the time they had spent together, about how Leslie had kissed him and they had slept together, about Dave's call the following morning and the visit they paid him together. He told her about going to Leslie's hotel earlier and handing her the papers.

He told her how terrified he was of letting go of her.

"It's over," Ben whispered brokenly. And then he added, mostly to himself, "I did the right thing."

Stephanie pulled him back into her arms and Ben cried for a few more minutes, as he let fear wash over him. He felt just as lost as when he had walked out of Leslie's hotel. He wondered if Leslie and her fiancé were at the airport already, eager to start their life together without Ben there to fuck everything up for them again.

"Ben," Stephanie said softly, running her hand through her brother’s hair. "Tell me what you need. Do you need to get into some kind of rehab? Do you think that would help? Or maybe therapy?"

Ben exhaled heavily and thought about it. He knew he had gotten into alcohol and pills because he thought they would help, but they never did. They never erased his pain or kept him from his memories. He had stuck with them because he had nothing left to lose, but his body didn't crave a drink or the numbness a pill could provide. He was lucky, he guessed, at least with this. He knew he could just walk away. Those addictions had never been a problem, because the real addiction was Leslie Knope herself.

"No," Ben said, shaking his head. "No, I don't think that would be necessary. I just need… I just want to stop feeling so alone. I want to stop hurting because Leslie doesn't want me. I want to learn how to live without her, even though I should've learned years ago. And I want…" He paused and swallowed with difficulty, knowing he was about to ask too much of his sister. "I want my family back, Stephanie. I want my sister back. I want you to stop hating me and I want to see my nieces grow. I've already missed too much because of my stupidity."

When new tears sprung to his eyes, Stephanie wrapped him again in her arms. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you, Benji. You'll always be my brother." She mussed her brother's hair even more than it already was by ruffling it playfully. "I'm sure the girls will be happy to have their Uncle Ben back."

Ben held back a sob and covered his mouth with a hand. "Are you sure?"

"Always."

"What about Jake?" Ben asked hesitantly. Even if it hurt, he would walk away immediately if his presence meant trouble brewed between them.

"He understands. I promise, it'll be alright," Stephanie smiled at him, and damn, Ben had missed seeing his sister's smile. "I'll talk to him when he comes home. Don't worry about a thing."

"Thank you, Stephanie," Ben sniffed and tried to calm his nerves. "I guess… I guess I should go now, let you go back to - "

"Oh, no," Stephanie interrupted, stopping Ben before he could stand. "No, no, no. You're not going anywhere."

"But - " 

"Do you really think that I'm going to let my brother go so easily? I haven't seen you in years, and you actually look like hell. You're not going anywhere, Ben. I want you to stay here, with us."

"What?" Ben's eyes widened in surprise. "Are you crazy? What will Jake say?"

"I told you, don't worry. I will talk to him," Stephanie put a hand on her brother's shoulder and looked into his eyes with all the seriousness in the world. "I should have helped you years ago, Ben. I'm sorry."

"I understand. You didn't have to help me. You were looking after your family," Ben shrugged as if it didn't matter. 

Stephanie squeezed his shoulder and her voice cracked a little when she spoke again. "You are my family too. And you’re here now. That definitely counts for something."

As Ben started crying again, he realized those words were more healing than any pills he could ever take or any alcohol he could ever drink.

Once Ben had adjusted, they moved to the living room, where they continued talking for what felt like hours. There was so much they needed to say to each other, so many stories to tell and memories to share. Stephanie insisted Ben finish eating, and Ben had to stop her from making more. They simply sat together on the couch, and Stephanie pulled Ben to her side, silently conveying to him that yes, everything really would be alright.

Ben had fallen asleep. He regained consciousness slowly, feeling quite confused as he heard voices, enveloped in the unexpected sensation of safety, that reminded him he was in his sister's house. Then he recognized the voices and stayed very still, worried he would be kicked out very soon.

"…Are you sure he's okay?"

"He will be. But he needs to be with people who love him."

"I know. I know how worried you've been about him, and I love him too, Stephanie. I want him to be safe. I'm just a little concerned."

"This will be good for him. He broke down completely, Jake, and I just don't want him to do anything stupid."

"What makes you think he won't do anything stupid while he's here? We have to think of the girls.”

"Trust me, I _am_ thinking of them. I'm thinking of how I want them to actually get to know their uncle. And I want him to get better too. I believe he finally has the chance to, Jake. You should've heard him. He's ready. He's ready to take the next step."

There was a long sigh and Ben closed his eyes more tightly. He couldn't blame Jake for not wanting him there. If the roles had been reversed, he would have done the same. Ben didn't want to cause his sister harm. Maybe he could slip out of the house unnoticed, spare them the confrontation.

The conversation continued, this time in mere whispers, so Ben couldn't make out the words. He took a deep breath and braced himself for what he was about to do. Stephanie accepting him back into her family had been the one good thing that had happened to him in years, and he was resigned to the fact that he had to let it go.

But when he opened his eyes, he found himself faced with two pairs of eyes peeking from the edge of the couch and staring at him in wonder.

"Hello!” A giggle.

Ben blinked and sat up a little. "Um. Hi?"

"Who are you?" A question from one girl.

"I'm… I'm Ben," Ben replied, not sure if his nieces knew of his existence. He wanted to tread carefully.

"Uncle Ben?" The girl asked once more, as her sister tried to hide behind her.

Ben felt a rush of gratitude all over him. Stephanie had talked to her daughters about him. "Yes, I'm your Uncle Ben."

Both girls squealed happily, and the one who had spoken grabbed her sister's hand and tugged until she followed her. They both climbed onto the couch and sat next to Ben's feet, smiling at him.

"Hi. I'm Violet. This is my sister, Lily."

"It's really nice to see you again, girls," Ben said, as the first genuine smile graced his lips. He was dying to pull them into his arms and hug them, but he wasn't sure if he was allowed to. "You are so big. The last time I saw you, you were tiny little babies."

"Will you play with us?"

Ben's heart clenched in his chest. God, he didn't want to say goodbye to them so soon. "I would love to play with you, but I… I should probably get going."

Lily frowned, and Ben noticed her brow creased _just like her mother’s_. "Why?"

"Well, sometimes adults… sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. I don't want to go, but I have to.” He didn’t want to cry. He couldn’t do that, not in front of them. 

"But when are you coming back? After dinner? Can we play then? Or tomorrow?" Violet insisted, crawling closer to him.

Ben sniffed and stubbornly refused to let the tears fall. "I - "

"What would you girls say if your Uncle Ben lived with us for a while?"

Ben startled at that, and turned to see Jake leaning against the wall, watching them. Stephanie was standing beside him with her arms around his waist and a radiant smile.

"What?" Ben asked in confusion, as the twins dissolved in cheers.

"Yes! Yes! Stay with us, Uncle Ben! Stay!" The girls pleaded, as they climbed onto his lap and threw their little arms around his neck.

Ben hugged them back eagerly, closing his eyes and breathing them in. His sister and brother-in-law were watching them fondly, but Ben wasn't sure he understood what was going on. Why would Jake want him there?

Ben’s eyes found Jake’s across the room and he must have seen how insecure he felt, because his smile became warmer, gentler, silently giving his approval.

"Ben, stay with us," Jake said.

"I… are you sure?" He didn't want to leave. He was scared of leaving. He was scared of what it would mean if he had no one. 

"I trust you," Jake answered, and those words flooded Ben with such emotion that he almost started sobbing into the twins' hair. "We would love to have you here for as long as you need to stay."

Ben wanted to thank him, wanted to apologize over and over for the things he couldn't change and the mistakes he had made. He wanted to promise he wouldn't screw up again. But he wasn't capable of doing any of those things, through the lump of gratitude in his throat. So, he simply nodded, with his eyes full of tears, and Jake understood.

Ben hugged his nieces tightly, letting their squeals of delight wash over him, and promised himself he wouldn't screw up this opportunity. He would never, ever hurt those around him again. He could do better and he would be better.

_I did the right thing._

He finally felt like those words were really true.

\-----------------------------

After a very drawn out, tearful conversation, Leslie sat numbly on the edge of the bed, watching Dave pack. They'd decided that he would return to Pawnee first and remove his belongings from her home, to avoid any more painful encounters. Clearly, their relationship was over, no matter how much Dave begged her to reconsider.

Dave clung to Leslie when he hugged her goodbye at the door, obviously reluctant to leave. Leslie's heart broke all over again. She hated being responsible for someone else's pain, especially since Dave had been nothing but wonderful to her from the moment they had gotten together.

"I'm sorry," Leslie said for the millionth time, and her voice was hoarse from all the crying.

"If you change your mind…" Dave started saying, but she interrupted him, unable to go down this road again.

"Dave…" Leslie cautioned him.

Dave swallowed with difficulty and nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't push you."

"It's not that. You know I wish I could give you what you want. But I can't. My heart belongs to someone else."

It was obvious Dave didn't agree with that, but they both knew there wasn't anything else to say, and Leslie wouldn't change her mind.

Leslie pulled away and gave Dave a small smile. She wanted to keep apologizing, but knew the words weren't enough anymore. Dave grabbed his suitcase and looked at her one last time. Even though they worked together on occasion, this could very well be the last time they ever saw each other. It was as if Dave wanted to etch the shape of Leslie's face, the color of her eyes into his memory, so that he would never forget her.

Leslie watched him leave, but when she didn't feel the same pang in her chest that she had felt when she had watched Ben walk away from her, she knew she had done the right thing.

The first few steps back to Ben had been taken. 

Now she needed to get ready for the rest of this journey.

She just hoped Ben still wanted to take it with her.

Even though she was dying to run back to Ben's apartment, Leslie made herself wait. She had just broken up with her fiancé and had decided on a whim that she had wanted to give Ben a chance. It was all too much, and she knew she needed to take a step back and think about what she was doing before she rushed into something she wasn't ready for.

She was sure of him, but would he be sure of her?

She spent the hours after Dave left replaying what had happened the past few days in her head. She thought about Ben and how difficult things would be if they gave this another shot. She thought about the years she had spent hurting, and how Dave had only been something she had settled for because she couldn’t have what she truly wanted. Dave hadn't been able to cure any wounds. Time had cut her open, and even time hadn’t healed her fine. She thought about how absolutely insane she was for wanting to do this, but how incredibly right it felt at the same time.

Her happiness was at stake, but she knew Ben held the answers and all of the possibilities. And she would risk it all, just for him.

Leslie thought of Ann. God, what would Ann say? Her wise and beautiful best friend knew just what to say and she needed her. 

It rang a few times before Ann's voice appeared on the other end of the line, immediately filling Leslie with relief. 

"Leslie! I was just telling Chris that I was thinking about giving you a call tonight," Ann said, and Leslie could hear Chris in the background, telling his wife to send Leslie his love. "How are you, Les? Are you still in Partridge?"

"Yes." Leslie replied briefly, her voice rough from pent up emotion. Ann immediately picked up on her tone, thick with worry. Immediately the atmosphere changed from friendly interest, to worried concern.

"Leslie? What's wrong? What happened?" Leslie wished she wasn't so far away, so she could melt against her side, to let Ann soothe her, and tell her everything would be okay. Things were always okay, if Ann said they would be.

"I… I broke up with Dave," Leslie admitted, and she realized there was a fresh batch of tears coming. This was the first time she was saying the words aloud and they stung. 

There was a second or two of silence as Ann took in the news. "Are you okay?"

Leslie was still too involved in her emotions to notice that there wasn't even remotely any surprise in Ann's voice upon her confession. "I will be, I guess. It's still… difficult. I never meant to hurt him. He didn't deserve it." Leslie steeled herself as she prepared to drop the bomb. "Ann, I… I slept with Ben."

Ann sighed heavily. "I'm not going to lie, Leslie. I had a feeling something would happen between you two. No matter how much you say you hate each other, and no matter how angry you are with one another, how hurt or frustrated… there's a spark between you that you will never be able to put out. I've never seen two people with more chemistry."

"I just feel so awful. I spent years mad at Ben because of what he did but I didn’t even stop for a second to think about how this all affected him, especially when he left Pawnee. Why am I such a horrible person, Ann?"

"Why did you break up with Dave, Leslie?" 

Leslie knew the question was coming. Ann was always one to right her, put her in her place and make her see clearly. She helped her be a better version of herself, when she was too blind to see how her own actions could hurt her. Ann was the angel on her shoulder, pushing her in the right direction, even if she didn’t want to go that way.

"Because it was the right thing to do.”

"A horrible person wouldn't have said anything, married the guy and lived a lie until the end of her days. You're not a horrible person, Leslie. You couldn't stand the thought of lying to him."

"Of course not! He deserves better.”

"And so do you. I know you've always thought I didn't like Dave, but I have nothing against him. He's a good guy who treats you like a queen and he would have been an amazing husband to you. But I also always knew that you didn't belong with him, and that you would never be one hundred percent happy with him."

"But I was happy with him. Two weeks ago, I wouldn't have changed a thing in my life."

"Leslie, you're my best friend and I'll always be able to see right through you. Dave was great but he wasn't the man you wanted. The man you wanted broke your heart so you spent years trying to figure out how to live your life with a hole inside of your heart that you didn't know how to fill."

"I hate that you know me so well."

Ann laughed and the sound warmed Leslie. "I'm sorry, Leslie, but I love you, so I have to be honest with you."

"I love you too," Leslie replied, wishing again that Ann's arms were around her to comfort her.

"I know. And I know you love Ben too," Ann said softly. Yes, she _did_ know Leslie well. Too well. "So what does he have to say about all this?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen him again," Leslie sighed. "He showed up here, to give me the signed divorce papers, and then took off, before I could do anything. I think… I think he might do something stupid, Ann. I've never seen him like that."

Leslie told her best friend about everything that had happened since the last time they had spoken, not leaving any details out. 

"Leslie…" Ann finally exclaimed and Leslie could hear the pain in her words, sympathy for her friend. "Poor Ben. He tortured himself for so long. It was bound to end like this."

"I've been dying to go to his apartment, but I'm not sure it's the right time. Do you think I should?" Leslie asked, hoping against reason that her best friend would say yes.

"I think you're doing the right thing. You're not the only one coming to terms with this new change, Leslie. I bet Ben is trying to come to terms with the fact that the only thing that kept him going for so many years is over. You just broke up with your fiancé and this whole situation has been more than difficult. I think you need to wait. You can't go looking for him if you're still crying about Dave."

"But - ”

" _Leslie_ ," Ann cut her off. "You're asking for my opinion and I'm giving it to you. You both have stuff to figure out on your own before you can start making decisions together."

"But what if he does something stupid? You haven't seen what he's capable of," Leslie worked her lip between her teeth with worry, as she remembered the bottles of alcohol and pills. "I don't want him to hurt himself."

"He's stronger than you're giving him credit for. If he signed those papers for you, it means he's trying to make things right, so I don't think he'll hurt himself. It isn't going to help him make any progress if you go back to him now, while you're still grieving over Dave. Give it some time, Leslie, before you confront him again."

Oh, Leslie really hated when her best friend was so logical and wise. "You're right. I need to give him a bit more time. But I'm not… I feel terrible about Dave, but I'm not confused, Ann. I know what I want. I love Ben. I've always loved Ben."

"Then put your thoughts in order, come up with a way to make this work and go get him back," Ann said. Getting Ben back… just the thought made Leslie's heart speed up and threaten to rip out of her chest. "And make sure to tell him I miss him and that I would love to talk to him, if he wants to give me a phone call. Chris says the same."

Leslie smiled into her pillow and thanked her lucky stars for having such a wonderful, understanding best friend. Honestly, what would she do without her? 

"Thanks, Ann."

"You're welcome, Leslie."

For the first time since this whole mess had started, Leslie had the feeling that everything would be okay.

\-----------------------------

Stephanie stood by the window, smiling as she watched Ben play hide and seek with her daughters. Violet was easily visible hiding behind a spindly tree, but Ben was pretending he had no idea where she was, looking the wrong way while she giggled in delight.

She knew she had done the right thing when she had decided to ask Ben to stay with them. Even though her brother still looked miserable most of the time, the genuine smiles he wore when he was around his nieces gave Stephanie hope.

Stephanie and Jake had stayed up the first night Ben spent with them, getting rid of every bottle of alcohol they had in the house and making sure they didn't have anything accessible in the house that would put Ben in danger. 

She hadn't allowed Ben to go back to his apartment either. She had gone herself to get her brother some clothes and other personal items that he might need, but she wasn't sure if going back there would be helpful or hurtful to him. Stephanie had taken the chance to raid the apartment as well, but she hadn't been able to find a single drop of alcohol or pills. She packed Ben's clothes, some personal belongings, but she had left the picture of Leslie behind. Ben needed to put Leslie where she belonged – in his past. Keeping mementos of his ex-girlfriend wouldn't help him heal. It would keep him stuck in his heartbreak, and he had already wasted too much time.

A hand settled on her arm and Stephanie looked up at her husband. He was also staring out the window, watching his daughters and brother-in-law.

“He looks healthier.”

“He doesn't look any happier though,” Stephanie replied with a sigh. “I want him to be happy.”

Jake kissed the curve of her shoulder and squeezed her arm for comfort. “These things take time. He'll get there. At least he doesn't have to get by on his own anymore. He has us now."

“I know.”

“We need some groceries. I think I'm going to go to the store now and take the girls with me. You can spend some time with Ben, talk to him. Violet and Lily are always with him lately, and I know you've been meaning to have a real conversation with him." 

“You're the best.”

Ben was getting a bottle of water from the fridge when Stephanie went back into the house. Her brother’s hair was curling around his face and his cheeks were flushed after running around with the girls all afternoon. Jake was right. He did look healthier.

"You do know you don't have to do everything they want you to, right?" Stephanie teased with a smile. "You're not one of their dolls. You don't have to play with them all day long."

"I love to play with them," Ben replied with a shrug, leaning against the counter. "I'm making up for lost time. I missed them."

"I know you did," Stephanie looked at her brother for a few seconds and then sighed. "Ben, we need to talk."

Ben's eyes widened in dismay. His free hand grasped the edge of the counter so tightly his knuckles turned white. “I… you want me to leave, don't you? Did I do something wrong?”

"Ben, _Ben_!" Stephanie raised her hands in front of him to stop her brother's frantic words. "Calm down. No one's kicking you out. You didn't do anything wrong."

Ben swallowed and his grip on the counter relaxed, but he still looked neurotic. "Okay?"

"I wanted to talk to you about something completely different," Stephanie cleared her throat and tried thinking of the best way to get her words across to him. "I've been thinking that it would be good for you to find something you want to do. Something you enjoy. Have you thought about what you want to do with your life now?"

The question seemed to terrify Ben just as much as her first comment. "I… no. I know I'm not doing much to help around here, and I - "

"Ben," Stephanie interrupted, looking at her brother with an arched eyebrow. "Stop assuming that we're going to kick you out. You're not doing anything wrong. I just mean that maybe it could be beneficial for you to have something more constructive to do. Maybe get a job... or go back to school. We would support anything you want to do with your life. Having a goal, and something to keep you busy besides the girls dragging you to the park every day would be nice."

Ben nodded slowly and looked down at his own feet for a moment. Stephanie realized he was trying to come up with a way to say something, so she allowed him to think. "I… I know you might think this is out of left field, but I've been thinking that maybe I could try writing."

Stephanie had come up with a list of things her brother would maybe find enjoyable so she could encourage him to pursue it, but writing hadn't been one of them. "Writing?"

Ben frowned, as if he was thinking very hard about something. "Yes… like books. A novel, maybe. I used to write fanfiction from time to time, and I’ve always had a passion for writing. I think it could… you know, help me express the things I've kept inside for so long. I wrote when I was… when Leslie and I weren’t together these past three years. It was the only outlet I had, really. And I feel like no one ever tells the villain's side of the story."

"Ben… you're not a villain."

Ben shrugged, still not looking at his sister. "I'm not a hero either."

Stephanie parted her lips, ready to protest, but the doorbell rang. She sighed and then pointed at Ben. "We're not done talking about this."

Ben looked half resigned, half amused. Stephanie turned and exited the kitchen, walking down the hallway to the front door as the person outside started knocking impatiently.

"I'm coming, I'm coming! Just give me a second!"

She pulled the front door open and found the last person she had expected to see. Leslie stood before her, with red eyes and she looked completely distraught. The hand she had raised to keep knocking on the door was trembling.

"Leslie?" Stephanie asked in a low voice. She didn't want Ben to know she was here.

"Stephanie, thank goodness," Leslie said in a choked voice. "You have to help me. Ben is gone."

Stephanie's lips set in a straight line. "Leslie…"

"I went to his apartment and he wasn't there. The woman who lives down the hall told me she hasn't seen him in a week," Leslie continued frantically, desperately, like a wild woman. "I went to his usual diner and to the bar he works at, but no one has seen him. Please, Stephanie, we need to do something. What if he did something stupid?"

Stephanie remained calm. She needed to get Leslie to leave as soon as possible. "Leslie. Why are you still here? You should be back in Pawnee already."

Leslie stopped abruptly and stared at her with wide eyes that were quickly filling with tears. "Stephanie, aren't you listening? Ben has disappeared! Anything could have happened! You need to help me find him!"

"Don't worry about Ben. Just go home.”

"How can you say that? Don't you care that your brother might be lying in a ditch somewhere? How can you be so heartless?" Leslie exclaimed, as her concerns and hopelessness gave way to anger. "I don't care what he did in the past! I don't care if he didn't fit into your family! You can't just turn your back on him like this!"

"Please, lower your voice," Stephanie asked her, quickly glancing over her shoulder to check if Ben was still in the kitchen. "And listen to me, Leslie. Don't worry about Ben. Just go home, marry your fiancé and go on with your life. There's nothing else for you to do here."

"I can't believe you - " Leslie started saying, but cut herself off when Stephanie looked over her shoulder again as she began to close the door to keep Leslie outside. "Wait!" Leslie almost shouted, planting the palm of her hand against the wood to keep Stephanie from closing the door. "Stephanie… do you know something I don't?"

Stephanie looked at her intently, testing her, almost begging for Leslie to just give up. "Go home, Leslie."

Leslie covered her mouth with her hand and let out a shuddery breath. "Is… is he here?"

Stephanie sighed impatiently. It was only a matter of time before Ben walked out of the kitchen and saw Leslie. She needed to avoid that at all costs. "Like I said, don't worry."

Leslie took her words for a confirmation. Relief washed over her face at realizing Ben was alive and well after all, and she closed her eyes for a moment to regain some control. Stephanie began closing the door once more, but Leslie stopped her, looking determined as ever. "I want to see him."

"That's not a good idea," Stephanie replied severely, not leaving any room for discussion. "It's better this way, Leslie. Just leave."

"No," Leslie said stubbornly. "I'm not leaving until I see him. I need to see with my own two eyes that he's okay."

“We would be having a very different conversation if something had happened to him, I can assure you of that.”

"Stephanie, let me see him."

"Go home."

"Stephanie - ”

"No. I'm drawing a line here, Leslie. You need to respect this," Stephanie muttered as quietly as she could, once again looking over her shoulder. God, she didn't even want to think about what seeing Leslie would do to Ben right now.

"Stephanie, I want to see him," Leslie insisted and Stephanie was very close to just slapping some sense into her.

"You are not seeing him, Leslie."

It seemed Leslie had reached her limit. It was obvious she had had enough, after looking for Ben everywhere and assuming the worst had happened to him. The hand she had pressed against the door to keep it open closed into a fist and pounded on the wood with the kind of strength no one ever attributed to Leslie at first glance. 

"He's my husband and I want to see him!"

Stephanie flinched. Leslie's voice had been loud enough to echo through the house. She opened her mouth to plead one more time, but knew there was no point in it when Leslie's gaze suddenly shifted from her face to something behind her.

"Leslie?" 

"Ben…" Leslie exhaled the name in relief before pushing past Stephanie and into the house, where Ben stood in the middle of the hallway, watching her with wide eyes. Leslie rushed towards him and enveloped him in her arms, holding him tightly and burying her face against his shoulder. "Fuck, you're okay. You're actually okay."

Ben seemed stunned, but he wrapped his arms around Leslie nonetheless and Stephanie watched the way his face shifted, how his eyes closed and he was instantly melting into the embrace, right where he had always belonged.

"Ben," Stephanie pleaded. “Is this a good idea?” 

Ben opened his eyes and looked at his sister without letting go of Leslie, who was struggling to stop crying. "It's okay, Stephanie."

"I don't think - " Stephanie began saying, but only one glance from Ben was enough to cut her off.

"Just give us a few minutes, alright? It's okay."

Stephanie knew there was no point in arguing now. She wouldn't be able to rip them apart even if she tried. "Fine. I'll be in my room. If you need anything - "

“I know. Thank you,” Ben said in a quiet voice. “For everything.”

Even though it was the last thing she wanted to do, Stephanie walked up the stairs and left her brother alone with the woman who had the power to destroy the little progress Ben had made in the past few days.

She just hoped she would be able to pick up the pieces and put them back together once Leslie left.

Leslie breathed Ben in and she didn't want to let him go. When she hadn't been able to find him anywhere, she had felt like the world was collapsing around her and she hated herself for not trying to find him sooner, for giving Ben ample time to hurt himself. But here he was, in her arms, clinging to her as tightly as she was clinging to him, breathing, warm and very much alive.

"I thought… I really thought…" Leslie murmured, doing her best to contain her sobs. “I thought something happened to you.”

Ben rubbed her back soothingly and waited patiently until Leslie felt like she could breathe again. Only then did Leslie find the strength to pull away and look at Ben's face. He seemed okay. He was clean-shaven and the dark marks under his eyes weren't as pronounced as they had been the last time she had seen him. He seemed okay, which was more than she could say for herself.

"You're okay," Leslie muttered, trying to convince herself that he was still real. “You’re really okay.”

"I am," Ben replied softly. His eyes didn't stop moving as they read Leslie's face, fixing on her eyes only to shift down to her lips and over her cheekbones and back to her eyes. Leslie didn't understand, but it seemed like Ben was looking for something. "Are you?"

"I couldn't find you," Leslie answered in distress. “God Ben, I couldn’t find you and I just thought that you might have done something and I - ”

"I've been here since I saw you at the hotel. I came straight here when I left. Stephanie and Jake let me stay with them," Ben explained. His hand wasn't rubbing Leslie's back anymore, and Leslie didn't realize he had stopped holding her until then. Her own arms were still wrapped around Ben tightly, but Ben seemed like he didn’t know whether he was allowed to touch her or not.

Leslie knew if they were going to talk like this, that she should let go, but she wasn't ready to yet, after thinking she'd lost him forever.

"You…" Ben looked down at the floor and away from Leslie. He cleared his throat. "You told Stephanie I was your husband."

"You are," Leslie said softly, cupping Ben's face and running her thumb up and down his jaw.

“I signed the papers, Leslie.”

Leslie pulled away enough to reach into her bag. She opened it and extracted the same envelope Ben had given her at the hotel. Ben recoiled a little at the sight of them, as if looking at them was enough to hurt him. "I still have them with me. They don't mean anything until I give them to my lawyer."

"Then why are you still here? I thought you would be in Pawnee by now," Ben said, wrapping his arms around himself like a shield, like a soldier protecting himself in battle, and took a step away from Leslie.

"I broke up with Dave," Leslie replied, startling Ben, who had clearly been expecting anything but that. "I'm not engaged anymore. Dave and I… it was never going to work. We were never meant to be."

"I thought you loved him.”

"I did. But I wasn't in love with him. I’m in love with someone, but not Dave," Leslie looked into his eyes and then took one of his hands, squeezing it gently. "It doesn't matter how many years we spend apart or how much we hurt each other. It'll always be you, Ben. There hasn't been anyone but you."

A sob threatened to escape Ben's lips. "You… you don't mean that."

"I do. I just wish I had realized it sooner."

"Leslie…"

"I love you," Leslie smiled at him. It felt so good to finally say those words to Ben. So, _so_ good. "I'll always love you, Ben."

Tears began trailing down Ben's cheeks. He sniffed and tried valiantly to wipe them away, but more came to replace them. "Leslie, you… I…"

"I know," Leslie whispered, placing her hands on Ben's shoulders and stepping closer to him until she could lean their foreheads together. "I know, Ben."

"I spent the past three years dreaming of the day you'd say those words again," Ben choked out, his voice broken.

Leslie had to bite her lip to stop her own tears from spilling down her face. "I'm sorry, Ben. I'm sorry we got so lost."

"I love you," Ben sobbed, as his hands pressed against Leslie's body, desperately clutching her clothes. "I love you so much."

Unable to resist for one more second, Leslie tilted her head until her lips pressed against Ben's. Ben gasped into the kiss, as if he hadn't been expecting it at all but then kissed back, pouring himself completely into Leslie like she might disappear if he didn’t touch her, hold her, kiss her like he was now. Leslie was wrapped in his arms as their mouths fit together so perfectly, it only made her cry harder. From the moment Ben had kissed her for the first time outside of Chris’s office, Leslie's lips, heart and soul had belonged to him. Nothing had ever felt as right as this.

Leslie pulled Ben's lower lip between her own to suck on it lightly, but then Ben was abruptly pulling away from her, taking a step back again.

Leslie didn’t want this to end. Why was he ending it?

"What is it? Are you okay?"

Ben closed his eyes and buried his fingers in his hair, tugging at his hair a little in despair. "I can't do this."

Leslie felt as if the floor had disappeared from under her feet and she was suddenly falling, falling into an endless void without knowing if she'd ever stop. "I… what do you mean? You just said you love me.”

Leslie wanted to break all over again. Why would Ben say that? How could he pull them apart when they were falling together again? Everything had been fine and perfect and right, but now she was watching helplessly as he started pacing, still tugging at his hair. 

"Ben, _please_. I just want to be with you. I always have. And I know it's been complicated between us, but I don't want to waste any more time. I don't care how crazy this is. I want to be with you again."

Ben finally stopped pacing and dropped his hands. The heartbroken expression on his face made Leslie's heart stutter in her chest. "Leslie… I'm sorry. I can't."

"Why not?" She knew she was being selfish. She knew she was acting like a spoiled child who didn’t get her way. But Ben was so close now, within her reach after all this time and all she wanted was to keep him there. 

"Because I…" Ben stopped, took a deep breath, and when she glanced back at him, Leslie could see the shame and the pain that he had been carrying around for so long reflected in his tired eyes. "For three years, I haven't been able to grow, to live, to think, to plan. I was lost and the only thing I could think of was you. I built my days around you, around not having you, not seeing you and around the pain I caused you. The pain I caused myself. Everything I am now… is just regret and fear and so much fucking pain, Leslie."

"I'm here now, Ben. You don't have to - "

"You don't understand," Ben cut her off, utterly defeated, like he was losing the battle. The despair surrounding him seemed to fill the room. "You just said you love me… but how can you love someone you don't know? The man you fell in love with is dead, Leslie. I killed him a long time ago. What if we give this another shot only for you to realize you don't like the man I've become? I wouldn't blame you for that. I don't really like him either."

"Don't say that," Leslie took a step closer and reveled in the feeling of his skin when Ben allowed her to cup his face. At least Ben wasn't rejecting her. "I… Ben, are you trying to say that you don't want to be with me?"

"Of course I want to be with you," Ben interrupted, because the idea that he wouldn't want Leslie was insane. "God, Leslie, I want to be with you more than anything. More than I want to breathe. But I want you to be sure that you're with the man you want to be with, a man who deserves you. And right now... Leslie, I don't deserve you. I'm a complete mess, my life is shit and I don’t know what I’m doing."

Leslie couldn't hold back the tears anymore. "Why does this feel like you're breaking up with me again? We aren't even back together yet. Ben, you can’t - "

"I'm not breaking up with you," Ben reassured her, wiping the tears off her face, and caressing her cheekbones with the tips of his fingers. "I would never break up with you. Never again. But… I need to heal. I need to find myself again. It's been years, Leslie, and I'm so tired. So fucking tired. I need to build myself up again and I just… I need to make sure I can live without you. I need to learn how to live without you," Ben pressed their foreheads together and stared into Leslie's blue eyes. "I need you to understand this. I want to be with you and I love you so fucking much that it hurts. But if I don't learn how to be without you, how to be whole without you, then I won't make it. It's too hard. It hurts too much and it's consuming me. I… I didn't allow myself to heal when I should have and now it's too much. I can't do this."

Leslie couldn’t comprehend, couldn’t see straight. This was her worst nightmare, reincarnated. Ben was leaving her alone, again. How was she supposed to do this all over again?

"I love you," Ben said again, without hesitation. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I want to be able to be with you more than anything in my life, but if I don't give myself time to heal, to grow, to learn… I'll hurt you again, and I'll hurt myself." Ben took a deep breath and pulled away a little. “Leslie, I know that you love to help everyone and fix everyone and you have no idea how much I love that about you. But I have to do this on my own. Do you think you could give me some time?"

She understood. And that’s what this was trying to teach her, wasn’t it? She had to relinquish control. As much as she tried to fix everything around her, to make it whole and to make it better, she couldn’t do that with Ben. She couldn’t fix him. Not this time. He had to do this on his own. It terrified her, thinking that Ben would be alone and that she couldn’t help him. But he wasn’t alone. He had Stephanie, he had his family and maybe that was enough. Maybe they were who he needed and not her. She didn’t know if she could ever be okay with him not needing her, but she had to be. For him.

Leslie ran her fingers through Ben's hair. God, she loved this man. How had she fooled herself for so long? 

"I'll give you anything you want, Ben. I want you to be happy, and if that means we can't be together yet… then I'll wait, because I already know that no matter who you end up becoming, I will always love you and I will always want to be with you."

Ben kissed her once more, softly and briefly, pulling away too soon for Leslie's liking. She wanted more, so much more, but she wasn't going to push. They both had been hurt by each other for too long, but Ben had ended up with more bruises and scars. She had to give him time to heal.

"Can I…" Leslie murmured, as she buried her face against Ben's neck, taking in his scent and warmth. God, now that she had him this close, she didn't know how she had managed to survive without him. "Can I ask you something though? A kind of condition."

Ben nodded and dropped a kiss to her temple. "What is it?"

"I don't want to get divorced," Leslie answered, sending Ben backpedaling. He lifted his head to look at her, really look at her. "I mean… if you end up deciding you don't want us to be together again, then of course, we'll… we'll get divorced. But I want to stay married to you and see it as a sign of faith that we'll make it. Because I believe in you, Ben, and I know you'll come back to me."

“Leslie… I can’t promise you anything. I wish I could,” Ben admitted, shifting to pull her closer. “But are you sure? That's what you want?"

"If it's okay with you."

"It's what I've always wanted," Ben whispered against her ear. He kissed the sensitive spot behind it, making Leslie shiver in his arms. "And this doesn't mean we won't see each other or that we won't talk. I just need some time and space to figure my life out, to learn who I am."

"I know. And I'll be right here if you need me," Leslie pressed her hand against Ben's heart, finding the gentle pound of his heartbeat consoling.

"I love you," Ben said, as his arms tightened around her. “I love you so much.”

Leslie closed her eyes and memorized how it felt to be so close to him, just in case. "I love you too."

But was love enough?

Leslie Knope wasn’t so sure anymore.


	12. Chapter 12

They didn’t talk for the first week.

She hadn’t even left him one voicemail, let alone the twenty she wanted to leave. Holding back was her making an effort, and she was trying her best. It was raining in Pawnee and she couldn’t help but think that the weather reflected her mood: dreary and gloomy. Leslie tried to place blame on the rain for how colorless the city looked, but she knew it wasn’t Pawnee that was less beautiful, but that it just wasn’t nearly as beautiful without Ben. 

Leslie had left Partridge alone, after saying goodbye to Ben at Stephanie’s house. There was so much they needed to resolve, but it would have to wait until Ben was ready. The divorce papers, the very reason Leslie had tracked him down, stayed with Ben to remind him that Leslie believed they would find a way back to each other.

Leslie had a lump in her throat that had taken residence there as soon as she stepped out of Stephanie's door. Going back to Pawnee now felt wrong. It didn’t matter that Pawnee was home and the greatest city in the universe. Without Ben, it didn’t feel like home to her. 

The way Ben had hugged her before they parted made her start dreaming again. He had held her in his arms as if nothing was more precious to Ben than Leslie, as if the mere idea of being apart was like a nightmare. She understood now why Ben needed this. She hadn't been able to think of anything else when she was alone with her thoughts on the flight back. They had coped with their break up in very different ways. Leslie had been so angry at Ben that she had tried as hard as she could to move on. But Ben had felt so much regret that he hadn't allowed himself to do the same. Ben had remained stuck in the past, trying to deal with what life threw at him, while constantly torturing himself for the one mistake that had changed everything.

There was a lot Leslie still didn't know about what had happened in Ben's life, right from their breakup. She hadn't wanted to know anything about Ben, consumed in her own misery. But now she wanted to do everything she could to help him recover. 

She was exhausted. The past few weeks had been an emotional rollercoaster and she felt like she could sleep for three days without interruptions.

The house was quiet, and the absence of another person in it was overwhelming and freeing at the same time. She could see the hints of emptiness left behind by Dave – one of the lamps in the living room was gone, half of the DVDs in the shelf had disappeared, and the coat that could be usually found next to hers in the closet by the door was missing. On the little table in the hall, there was a set of keys but no note. Dave was gone and the last few years of Leslie's life seemed to have vanished with him.

_Home sweet home._

But then Ben finally called. Leslie was letting Ben decide how fast or how slow they would move, and that included phone calls. She wanted to hear from him, but more than that, she wanted him to take his time and heal. She couldn’t push. She had to reign in her signature Leslie Knope steamrolling and simply let Ben be. 

“So… I have some news.”

“Do tell.” Leslie straightened up. Ben had her full attention. Was the news that he was finally ready to move on from her?

“Stephanie helped me get a job with a local school. She actually works there too. I’m going to be a math teacher. It’s just for summer school for now, but we both agree that it could be good for me.”

“Ben! That’s amazing! What do you think?”

Leslie could just tell that Ben was shrugging his shoulders through the phone. “I mean, it’s probably not what either of us imagined I would be doing, but…”

“I just want you to do whatever you think is good for _you_.”

Now Leslie could hear Ben’s smile through the phone. “Thanks. It will also help me not to think about you so much… wait. That didn't come out right. I didn't mean that I don't like thinking about you. I do. I love you. But - "

"Relax, I get it," Leslie chuckled and Ben breathed out in relief when he realized Leslie wasn't upset. "You already told me that you built too much of your life based on me and what happened between us. I don't want to be something negative in your life, Ben. I want our relationship to be solid. If we end up having a relationship again, that is.”

"I… I mean, I really don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep. There's nothing I want more. But I do want to learn how to be on my own, how to do what _I_ need and what _I_ want. I'm glad you don't think that's crazy or selfish. I thought that maybe I had upset you with what I asked of you. My intention isn’t to be difficult or play games. I just… I need time, Leslie." 

She knew. It didn’t make it any easier, but she knew. There were still so many things he needed to figure out, so many negative forces inside and outside himself. He would need a lot of strength and she had to be that for him. She had to be his support, even if it meant losing him in the end. Even though it would hurt her deeply to say goodbye to him, if Ben would have to walk away and focus on being okay with himself for once and for all, she would do it. Because she loved him. 

“It’s a process, Ben. I understand. And whatever you need me to do to get better, I’m here.”

“But if there’s something you’re not comfortable with, then you should say something. You have to be okay too, Leslie.”

“We’re finding our way back to each other, and it takes time. Because even though I love the idea of us, what I want to love, cherish and protect forever is you. You, Ben Wyatt, whoever you end up becoming. So, if I have to wait for you to figure out who Ben Wyatt is, then I'll wait, because I know that no matter how much or how little you have changed throughout the years, it’s meant to be and I’m so in love with you. Please remember that. Always."

Ben was crying again by the time Leslie said the last word. He hadn't felt so loved in years, and knowing Leslie still wanted him, as flawed and broken as he was, gave him hope. Maybe he had screwed everything up, but it didn't mean it was the end.

It felt like it was just beginning.

\--------------------------------

Another week passed. It was a relatively good week. There were still demons and negative thoughts lurking around the corners, but he knew he wouldn't get rid of them with the snap of a finger.

He had started writing. Mostly messy notes on random pages that he would need to organize eventually, but it was a start. Every time he felt like he was on the edge, that he couldn't control the pain that he had felt for too long, he started writing. Sometimes he wasn't even sure what he was writing about, not until he was done and he looked down at the paper in front of him. He wrote a lot of memories, things he had forgotten, things that had haunted him for a very long time, things he had tried not to think about since his childhood, since Ice Town, since Leslie and Pawnee and the break up. It was cathartic, and when he was done, he felt drained but lighter and freer and less like life was trying to chew him up and spit him back out.

He had long conversations with Stephanie every night, about serious things and about trivial things. They sat together after dinner and shared some time, trying to catch up with each other. Ben also spent a lot of time with Jake, helping him and reconnecting with him. He realized that Jake didn't hate him after all. 

Violet and Lily were the highlight of his days. He spent most of his time with them, and when he was with his nieces, the rest of the world didn't exist. He had looked for comfort and relief in the wrong place the whole time. He didn't need pills or alcohol, not when he had two beautiful nieces who gave him plenty of reasons to smile.

Ben was happy because his family provided a distraction that he sorely needed. But then, while he was sitting at the table, watching Jake laugh after Stephanie told them something funny that had happened at work, and the girls giggled with their hands covering their mouths, he realized that this wasn't a distraction, not at all.

This was his life.

When his alarm went off the following Monday, Ben woke with a knot in his stomach. He hadn't had a decent job in a long time, and he didn't want to screw anything up. He had been given a chance, and he needed to make the most of it. 

As he came down the stairs, Stephanie put a little wrapped box on the table. "Mail for you, Benji."

Ben frowned, examining the box with curiosity. "Mail for me? Who would send me something?" 

He turned the package in his hands so he could see who the sender was, not surprised to find Leslie's name there. He smiled to himself because yes, this was _so_ Leslie. A Leslie Knope signature: a present picked just for him, so thoughtfully and tastefully signed, sealed and delivered.

"Aren't you going to open it? Or are you afraid the content will not be family rated? If that's the case, please don't open it with the girls here," Stephanie said with a playful wink. 

"Shut up," Ben mumbled, rolling his eyes, as he ripped the paper to get to the box. There was a small envelope stuck to it, so he opened that first and extracted a white card with Leslie's curvy handwriting.

_Ben,_

_Good luck on your first day! I know you'll be amazing, no matter what. I'll be thinking of you._

_I hope you like the present. It's just a little something I put together to give you what you always gave me: Bravery._

_I love you._

_Yours,_

_Leslie_

With his eyes glistening with tears – _Yours, Leslie_ – Ben opened the box and found a beautiful and grey stripped tie. He touched the fabric reverently, knowing Leslie had picked it out especially for him. To make him feel brave.

Brave.

He had to fight, and he had to be brave. If Leslie were here, she would tell him to fight and to be brave.

And he would do it, for her.

Suddenly, the road to recovery didn't seem so long at all.

\--------------------------------

There were good days.

Those good days were filled with his nieces' laughter and text messages from Leslie. When it was a good day, Ben was able to see a future where he could forget the past and start living in the present instead. He went to work with Stephanie and came back home to help Jake with dinner while he played with Violet and Lily. He didn't think a lot about Leslie, at least not in a way that was linked to what had happened to them before. He did think about her with a newfound hope and rekindled love, but the thought of the woman he had been in love with for so long didn't bring dark feelings and self-loathing and hate for the man he saw in the mirror. Those were the days where he felt like his own person, not the vestiges of someone else, someone who had been broken and dead until she had come back, until his family had come back and woken him up from his nightmare.

Those were days when he looked in the mirror and didn't feel like killing his reflection. Those were the days when he didn’t feel like saying screw it, where he didn’t feel like giving up. 

He adjusted the newest tie Leslie had sent him and smiled a little, feeling closer to the man he truly wanted to be.

There were also bad days.

They came often at first, a few times a week. Then they decreased, but they didn't disappear completely. Ben woke up in the morning and couldn't see the sun shining through the curtains, feeling enveloped by darkness instead. Those were the days where he cried gruesome, gut wrenching sobs. Those were the days when he remembered everything he had done, to Leslie and to himself, so vividly that it was like he was doing them all over again. He couldn't stand to be close to his nieces because he was afraid of hurting them, and sitting with Stephanie and Jake for breakfast was enough to make him feel like the biggest disappointment. Those were the days where he felt comfortable as the bad guy, the bad guy for everyone around him. He was forcing his family to put up with him, but he should have been alone, because it was what he deserved. He would never be anything but a fuck up. He hurt the people he loved and deserved to suffer because of it. He looked in the mirror and saw a monster, someone who broke everything he touched. He couldn't even make himself read Leslie's texts or answer her calls. What if this was the moment when Leslie realized Ben wasn't worth her time? What if she decided she was better off without him? What if she was tired of waiting for Ben to get his shit together?

Yes, the bad days were fewer now, but they were still there, hiding around the corner, ready to jump out and bring Ben back down just when he had managed to pull himself up just a little bit.

Every day was a battle, and Ben did his best to win, but sometimes the forces he was fighting were so much stronger than he was.

\--------------------------------

Saturday brunch with Ann was one of the few things that kept Leslie from going absolutely insane. Just knowing that she could sit with her best friend once a week for a long talk and waffles was enough comfort to get her through.

It had been two months since she had returned to Pawnee and although things with Ben improved every day and they were taking steps forward, there were times when Leslie felt like they were taking a million steps back too. She had known it would be a long road, but the separation was taking a heavy toll on her. She was afraid that Ben would grow into someone who wouldn't need or want her at all. And though Leslie wanted Ben to get better, it still hurt to think that maybe the best thing for Ben would be to leave Leslie where she belonged: in the past.

"…Leslie?"

Leslie blinked and looked up from her waffles to see Ann leaning across the table towards her, brows furrowed and slightly concerned. "Yes?"

"Were you even listening?" 

Leslie sighed and put her fork down. "I'm sorry, no. What were you saying?"

"It doesn't matter. Why don't you tell me what's bugging you?" 

Leslie picked at her food distractedly. "It's Ben, of course. He had another bad day this week and it just… it kills me, you know? I feel like I'm not doing anything to help him, but it's not like he would let me if I tried."

"He needs to figure this out on his own," Ann pointed out softly, patting her hand. "You can't rush him."

"It's just… I know I'm being stupid and selfish, but when he's like that, I wonder if maybe he wouldn't be better off without me," Leslie closed her eyes. Every time she thought about this, she felt like crying, but she would not make a scene in JJ’s. "I'm afraid I'm holding him back. What if what he truly needs to get better is to let go of me completely? I didn't want to get a divorce. I told him we could use it as some sort of symbol that we have faith in us, but… what if this isn't what he needs?"

"Well, then he'll tell you," Ann answered with a sad smile. "That's a step towards recovery too. If he doesn't need you or this relationship anymore, he eventually will come to that conclusion and say it."

"God, I don't know," Leslie dropped her face in her hands. She had been up late the previous night just thinking about this kind of ending over and over. "I just wish I knew what was going on inside of his head."

"Look, Leslie. I know you're scared to push him, but you can't put your life on hold indefinitely, until he decides if he wants to be with you or not. "

"But Ann - " Leslie stopped abruptly when she felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. She fished it out and found she had a new text from Ben. "It's him."

"And?" 

Leslie read the text. "He wants to know if I can Skype later."

"You should use this opportunity to lay all the cards on the table and be honest, Leslie," Ann said with a meaningful look on her face.

_From: Ben_

_Hey! What time will you be home today? Do you think we can Skype?_

Leslie bit her lip to stop herself from smiling like a teenager with a crush and immediately replied.

_To: Ben_

_Of course we can! I'll be home at six. Is that good for you? I can't wait to see you._

\--------------------------------

Ben sighed and drummed his fingers on his thigh as he glanced at the clock again. Leslie was fifteen minutes late.

He tried not to think too much about it. Maybe she had gotten caught up in a meeting, or maybe she had to stop at the grocery stop before going home. He didn't know what Leslie's routine was like. He couldn't predict the things that would make her late, but a bitter voice in the back of his head kept whispering viciously: _she forgot about you_.

He checked his cell phone, but Leslie hadn't sent any messages. What if she really had forgotten about him? Maybe while she had been here in Partridge, Leslie had been aware of Ben's presence, had felt the same thing she had felt about him so long ago, but maybe things had changed now that she was back in Pawnee. Maybe Leslie had realized that there was no room for Ben in her life.

Ben's finger hovered over the sign off button when twenty-five minutes had passed without any sign of Leslie.

Suddenly, a little window popped up on the corner of the screen, announcing that Leslie was online.

Ben let a shaky breath out and accepted Leslie's call.

Leslie was already talking breathlessly, sounding distraught and worried even before her image was clear enough to see her. "Fuck, Ben, I'm so sorry. _Jerry_ misplaced a file and we had to look for it because our deadline is on Wednesday and we needed it, and I have no idea why they hire people who can't even remember that the files in the green folders go on the top shelf, and then Chris started this whole humanly impossible positive spiel about how we as public servants should be more invested in - "

The more Leslie said, the wider Ben’s smile got. Not because Leslie had a difficult day, but because he knew now that he had been an idiot. _Of course_ Leslie cared. She always cared. And she had shown him she cared in so many ways since they had found each other again.

And fuck, wasn't she the most adorable woman on the planet?

"Leslie! _Leslie._ Hey, it's okay," Ben said, laughing now as he was finally able to make out Leslie clearly. She had obviously rushed home in an effort to see him, speak to him, as her blonde hair was ruffled and make up was slightly smudged. He couldn’t recall a time when he had found her more beautiful than he did now.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to keep you waiting. My phone decided it was the perfect time to run out of battery as well. I think the universe hates me today.”

Ben's smile seemed to be permanently plastered his face. He ran one of his fingers down Leslie's face, wishing he was touching her skin and not the cold, inanimate screen. "You're here now. That's all that matters."

Leslie visibly relaxed, her voice softening at his greeting. "It's so nice to see your face."

"It's really nice to see you too," Ben replied, almost bashfully. God, he hadn't felt like this in so long. "Why don't you go get comfortable? I can wait.”

"So… how are you?" Leslie asked, a little more seriously when she appeared in front of the screen again a few minutes later.

Ben genuinely thought about his answer. He was done saying he was fine just to comfort everyone else. Stephanie had been particularly insistent about wanting him to be honest. "I'm… better. I'm doing my best to get better at least."

“But you had a couple of rough days this week, didn’t you?”

Ben sighed tiredly. "Yeah, I did. I tried to push through them, but… I don't know. It's like no matter what I do, I can't escape from the weight on my shoulders." His eyes travelled over Leslie's face, wide and sad. "I'm so sorry, Leslie."

“Why are you sorry, Ben?” Leslie asked, head titled to the side, not sure what Ben was apologizing for.

“Just… keeping you stuck. You’ve been amazing and I wish I could say that I’ve made progress but - ”

“But you _have_ made progress,” Leslie cut him off. “Ben, it’s only been a few months. I know it feels like longer because of the distance and because healing yourself is hard, but you’ve already improved so much and it’s more than evident to me. Maybe you aren’t all the way there yet, but you’re doing such a great job and I am so proud of you.”

Ben’s eyes began to water. It was _everything_ to hear that Leslie was proud of him. "Being with my family is helping a lot. The girls keep me distracted, and Stephanie is always available to talk if I need her. It's nice falling right into place in their life like I've always belonged here."

"That's because you have always belonged there. Just because you had a fall out, it doesn't mean you stopped being Stephanie's brother."

Ben hummed in agreement. "I guess I was just too stupid to see that. And I know Stephanie was right when she sent me away, too. I… I should have been smarter. I couldn't stop myself from screwing everything up, but I should've been strong enough to keep my shit out of my nieces' lives. They could have been hurt or - "

"Ben," Leslie interrupted when Ben's voice became darker and full of regret and self-loathing. Ben stopped and looked at her again, almost as if he had forgotten he had been talking to Leslie. "They didn't get hurt. It was an unfortunate situation, but they are okay, and they love you. Stephanie and Jake were worried about their children, but they forgive you. They understand."

"I… I know," Ben ran a hand down his face, a little frustrated. "They’ve been so patient with me and so have you. But I just can't stop thinking about everything I've fucked up. I just want to erase my past and start all over, but I can't. I think about Violet and Lily, and I think about you - "

"Sweetheart," Leslie stopped him, before he could say more. "I'm not going to say that what happened between us didn't hurt. It did, and I never really got over it, even though I pretended I did. But… people make mistakes, Ben. And I wasn’t entirely blameless here either. I let you go too, and my ambitions got the best of me. I… I never apologized for that, but I'm sorry."

Ben felt the wetness of his tears before he even realized he was crying. Loving Leslie meant her ambitions came first, that her dreams came true, and he knew that. He wanted Leslie to know that too. There was a lot about the break up, and what had happened before and after, that he had always obsessed with, and how Leslie had made him feel like he wasn't a part of her life anymore was one of them. He had always had that doubt. Was Leslie really so busy and so caught up in her new life, her campaign and her desire to make it to the top, that she couldn't find a minute for Ben, or was it all just an excuse for finally getting rid of him?

Ben was starting to understand now that all his issues had to do with trust and with being unable to see himself as someone people would give a shit about. His parents hadn't given a shit about him, citizens of Partridge hadn’t either after Ice Town, and the towns he’s visited to fix their budgets had hated him too, so why would anyone – especially Leslie – give a shit about him? 

But Leslie loved him, without limitations or conditions, and he was finally starting to see that. 

"I'm sorry too," Ben muttered with a sad smile. “More than you’ll ever know, Leslie.”

Leslie gave Ben a moment so he could calm down and wipe his tears away, and Ben wished they weren't in entirely different states, but in each other's arms. 

"I'm…" Ben started again, looking down at his own hands. "I like that we can talk about this. I know it's hard – it is for me, at least – but it's helping. I spent too long trying to block those memories that I think they started to choke me."

Leslie's face was soft and accepting and Ben could swear she was drawing her fingers across the screen lovingly. "I think it'll really help us. There are so many things from back then that I never liked thinking about, but I think I'm finally in a good position to do it. I was so insecure and hurt that I couldn't see the situation clearly. I was just focusing on what you had done because I needed to blame you for everything. That wasn't a healthy thing to do.”

"No, you were right. I can't blame you for that, Leslie," Ben shook his head. He wasn’t looking at her anymore, instead fixing his eyes downward and away from her. “I should have said goodbye before I left. Even after the break up… well, I should have at least said goodbye. You were right about that.”

"We should have talked, Ben. Even if we couldn't get things back to what they had been, we should have at least talked. Everything would have been so different. Maybe we would have moved on, gotten closure.”

Ben frowned, hearing her words. "Do you wish you had? Moved on and gotten closure, I mean. Do you wish you had been able to move on so we wouldn't be having this conversation now? So we wouldn't have gotten married and all of this could have been avoided?"

"I wish we hadn’t spent the last few years feeling so bad about everything that happened between us. I wish we had found a way to heal when we should have, instead of you torturing yourself and me feeling so lost for so long and trying to make it work with someone who wasn’t you. We suffered for too long, Ben. That's what I regret the most. And I… well for awhile, I held it against you. I did. I hated how we left things."

“I know, and I’m sorry that I made you feel like that. But this… this isn’t some math problem I can solve so easily, Leslie. This is something that I want to take my time with.”

Her frustration was building and something in her had started to unravel. She wanted him to take his time too, but the distance and the uncertainty and the constant tug of war was beginning to wear on her. Her house was empty, her bed was empty and her heart was empty. How much longer would she have to wait? And would he even come back to her, or would he decide he was better off without her and this was all just a futile effort to save something that was too irreparably broken? 

It was mere seconds before the words were tumbling off her tongue, regretting them almost as soon as they were out and hanging in the air. “How much more time, Ben? How much time would you like? We’re here after over three years of nothing, and now you want more time?”

“Leslie - ”

“Don’t. I’m following your rules and I have every right to be pissed. I didn’t ask for this and I didn’t want any of this. These rules… fuck, they’re making it so much harder, Ben. I mean, I broke up with my fiancé because all I want is to be with you and it’s that simple for me. Is it that simple for you?”

Ben knew she was being purposefully cruel. She had that streak to her, and it reared its ugly head every now and then, particularly when she was scared or hurt or just plain fed up. It was rare, for her to lash out like this, but the pressure of these circumstances was getting to her. Things were quickly getting out of control and he needed to diffuse the situation. He wished he could just see her. Wished he could just touch her, hold her, that he didn’t have to do this without seeing her in the flesh. He wanted her to see that he wasn’t rejecting her, that he just needed more time.

“I’m sorry, Ben,” Leslie finally said, jolting him back to the conversation at hand. She sighed, and her eyes were welling up with tears. “I really am. I didn’t mean that. I know it's not that simple. I’m just… I’m trying to be realistic. I haven't seen you in over two months, and I miss you. I guess this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.” 

"I know you’re just being realistic. And I miss you too. I just don’t want to fast forward through any of this, Leslie. In my head, I'm still the only one to blame, the only one who made mistakes. I’m not going to be okay, _we_ aren’t going to be okay unless I do this. It's… I know I'm asking so much of you. But I think these are things that we need to talk about. We have to have these conversations.” 

Leslie furrowed her brow, shooting Ben a look. She was a little fearful of what might follow. “These conversations?”

“I think I figured out why everything keeps haunting me so much. We have an unfinished business, Leslie. We never… we never talked about the break up, about me leaving without saying goodbye and everything else that followed. We’ve touched on it a little bit, but we’ve never really sat down and hashed it out and I… I think it’s what I need."

Leslie swallowed. God, she really didn't want to talk about any of it. "And… you think it'll help if we talk about it?"

"I can't forgive myself until I manage to talk about it, stop bottling it all up inside. I need you to know," Ben bit his lip and looked at Leslie unsurely. "Am I asking too much of you?"

Leslie gave it some serious thought for a minute or two, while Ben waited, because she owed him a considered answer, instead of just agreeing with everything he said to avoid conflict. But she also didn't want to do anything they would regret later. "I think it will be very hard for us to do that. I'm willing to sit and talk about it, if you really need to. I… maybe I'm putting a lot of weight into that part of our past too. Maybe we'll finally manage to move on if we put an end to it."

Ben exhaled a long breath, and Leslie realized it had taken a lot of courage for him to ask her this, and that he had been scared of her reaction. "Thank you."

"Can I ask you something though?" Leslie asked tentatively. Ben nodded immediately. "I think this is a conversation we need to have face to face. It'll be hard for the both of us and I want to be there for you. So… can you give me a few weeks? I need to put a few things in order in the office and then maybe I could fly to Partridge again and - "

"What if I come to Pawnee?" 

Leslie smiled. Just the thought of Ben in her house, sleeping in her bed… fuck, she wanted that more than anything. But was it all too much too soon for him?

“I… I would love that. But do you think you’ll be okay, doing that? After everything that happened in this town when you were here and when you left?”

“Leslie…” Ben’s face told her everything: contentment with the decision he had made, ready to take this next step in their journey. He was sure, so sure of his choice, and Leslie knew that this… _this_ was progress. “I have to do this. I want to do this. I want to see you. It's been too long, and I think what we need is some time together. And I have to face my fears. I’m never going to heal if I don’t come back to Pawnee at some point.” 

Silence fell over them, giddy and dreading their next move at the same time, because even though they were excited about the prospect of being together again, they both knew this visit could be what determined what was going to happen to them.

They had to take this step, even if it meant the end for them.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to Mandy, for always being there when I need to discuss this fic, to let me bounce ideas off of her, for listening to my angsty thoughts about Benslie, and for her live DMs when a chapter is posted. Your feedback and friendship and your love for this fic means the world to me. <3
> 
> Also, there's smut in this one. You have been warned.

They decided to spend a whole weekend together. Ben’s plane would land on Friday afternoon, and he would leave again on Monday morning. Leslie wanted to pick him up at the airport, but she had a meeting she couldn’t get out of, so Ben assured her that he was fine meeting her at City Hall so that they could go to her house together afterwards.

Despite the nerves building due to their impending conversation, the prospect of seeing each other again was enough to make them both happy. 

He hadn’t been back in Pawnee since the break up. As his ride maneuvered through the city traffic, Ben let his eyes wander through the buildings, the people, the parks, the lights and the life that seemed to ooze from the streets. He tried not to linger too much on the memories. The Snakehole Lounge; Ramsett Park; April and Andy’s house, even Ann’s old house. Maybe it was fitting that they were going to have this conversation in the same place where things had fallen apart. Maybe it would be the closure they needed.

City Hall came into view just as Ben shook himself from his thoughts. People didn’t seem to stop for a minute in Pawnee – they just pushed anyone who was in their way to keep going, always busy, always with a destination in mind. Usually Paunch Burger. 

As he waited for the elevator to make its final stop, he looked at himself in the mirror and adjusted his tie nervously. 

He descended onto Leslie’s floor, immediately looking for her office. He found it almost at the end of the hall, and he could already see Leslie, standing at a white board and writing things up, completely lost in thought.

Leslie looked up and as her gaze found Ben’s, an enormous grin spread across her face and she rushed out of the office, directly towards him. Ben couldn’t fight the joyful laugh that bubbled out of him as they met again, as she immediately threw her arms around his neck and pulled him closer with all of her tiny little might.

“You’re here,” Leslie murmured into Ben’s ear, as Ben wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her as tightly as he could, letting go of his bag so it thumped to the floor. They embraced for what felt like eons, before Leslie pulled away to look at him in the eyes, cupping his face. “You’re really here.”

“I am,” Ben said, smiling widely. He was dying to kiss her, but he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to.

“I missed you so much,” Leslie whispered, and solved Ben’s dilemma by placing a soft, quick kiss to his lips.

Ben wanted to say that he had missed her too. He wanted to hide his face in Leslie’s neck and breathe her in. He wanted to stay pressed to her for the rest of his life and never move again. But he was too overwhelmed to do anything at all, so he simply closed his eyes for a moment and let Leslie hold him.

Leslie finally realized they were at her place of work, and moved away from the hug, blushing fiercely, then pulled Ben close again, entwining their fingers, as if she couldn’t bear to be separated from him for even a mere second.

Leslie closed the door behind them and then pressed a button on the wall that lowered a white blind, giving them some privacy from anyone who walked outside the office. Once they were alone and away from prying eyes, Leslie pulled Ben into her arms again, now melting into the embrace freely.

“My meeting’s in twenty minutes, but I just want to - ” Leslie mumbled a little desperately. Her fingers dug into Ben’s back. “Is this okay? I didn’t mean to practically attack you.”

“This is perfect,” Ben replied, and this time he did bury his face against Leslie’s neck. She smelled like vanilla and whipped cream and coffee, and Ben wanted to take up permanent residence there forever.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Leslie whispered in a watery voice. She pulled away slightly and looked Ben up and down. “And you’re not on a computer screen.” 

Leslie hummed just before leaning in for a quick peck. However, Ben had other plans. He placed his hand on the back of Leslie’s neck and kept her there to deepen the kiss. They were still standing on dubious ground, but they had been apart for a little over two months and they couldn’t help themselves.

Every wet slide of Leslie’s lips set him on fire, and judging from the breathy sounds coming from her, she was burning and aching too. One thing was sure about their relationship, even if everything else was yet to be determined: the desire had never vanished within them. It had remained steady and flaming despite everything else.

“Fuck,” Leslie groaned as Ben took her pause as a chance to nibble on her lower lip. “If we don’t stop now I’m going to throw you onto my desk and do very, very naughty things that I should not do in my office.”

Ben whimpered as he imagined the possibilities. “I like where you’re going with this.”

Leslie dropped her head onto Ben’s shoulder and sighed in frustration. “I can’t go to my meeting all hot and bothered. Or thinking about what I’d rather be doing. I don’t want us to rush. If we’re actually going to be doing any of that this weekend, I certainly don’t want it to be here.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I just really, really missed you.”

“Me too,” Leslie muttered, and after taking a deep breath, she pulled away from Ben’s arms entirely. “So, my meeting shouldn’t take more than an hour. I hope that’s okay. I mean, I could try to get out of it, but - ”

“I’ll be fine. It probably would have been better for you if I went straight to your house, but I wanted to see you as soon as possible,” Ben reassured her, as Leslie guided him to the couch near the window so they could sit down. 

“Alright,” Leslie agreed. They sat with their hands tangled on her lap and she glanced down at them for a moment. “Let’s talk tonight, and then we have the rest of the weekend together.”

“Yeah, I could do that. But what if the conversation doesn’t go the way we hope it will and then the rest of our weekend is ruined?”

Leslie looked at him, her eyes softening. “Sweetheart, I’m sure it won’t be easy, but… I don’t think what you’re going to say is going to change my mind about what we have now. We already broke up because of it three years ago. But believe it or not, Ben, I have forgiven you.”

Ben breathed out slowly. Leslie’s words eased him a little, even though there was always an underlying layer of fear. “Okay.”

Leslie grinned. “Okay.”

Everything already felt brighter, simpler, happier, and Ben couldn’t imagine anything going wrong, not when Leslie was holding his hand so tightly.

They left Leslie’s office hand in hand two hours later.

Leslie’s house was homey. The living room had welcoming light green walls that looked wonderful with the dark hardwood floors. There were pictures of Leslie’s family hanging on the walls and sitting on shelves pretty much everywhere, and a stack of The Pawnee Sun was on the coffee table. 

They settled at the kitchen table, digging into the dinner they had picked up. They let the conversation flow easily, avoiding heavier topics that they knew would come up later. Leslie told him all about her latest brunch with Ann, while Ben talked incessantly about his nieces, his eyes full of adoration for them. They laughed as they shared the food, Leslie stealing some chicken from Ben’s plate, while Ben scooped some of Leslie’s pasta onto his fork. It all seemed so natural and normal, and though there were nervous and uncertain glances every now and then, they continued and basked in the glow of being together after so long apart.

Now that he was actually here, he felt much calmer. He could feel Leslie’s love and devotion that clearly showed how much he mattered to her. Seeing that glowing smile when Leslie first saw him at the office was proof enough to him that Leslie wanted their relationship to survive. And being introduced as her husband to everyone in her office told Ben that Leslie had faith they would make it.

God, Ben really wanted to believe that his life was finally falling back into place. He was starting to believe he was in a place where, if things went wrong, he thought he would be able to let go of Leslie now and try to build his life in a different way. It would hurt, of course, because he loved her with everything he was, but loving Leslie wasn’t a matter of life or death anymore. His life wasn’t black or white. There was a large variety of grey that he needed to start exploring.

That thought alone was enough for Ben to recognize he had made progress in the past few months.

And, hopefully, he would be making even more progress tonight.

Leslie had changed into her pajamas by the time Ben met her again in the living room. She looked comfortable and warm, and Ben wanted to curl up by her side and stay there for a few hours, but he knew he would need some distance to keep his thoughts in order.

“I put your stuff in my room,” Leslie informed him as Ben sat on the couch next to her, leaving enough room between them that their sides weren’t touching.

“It’s okay,” Ben said, a little jerkily. His hands were sweating a little and his body had begun to shake slightly. He was nervous.

“Hey,” Leslie muttered softly and Ben looked up at her. “Everything’s going to be fine. We’ll talk and we’ll figure things out together. You can say whatever you need to say, and I won’t judge you or get upset.”

Ben rolled his eyes self-depreciably. “How do you know that?”

“Because I already went through the angry stage three years ago. Then the hurt stage. Now I’m ready to make my peace with it, understand, and put it in the past. I want to have this conversation because it’ll help us get closer, not because I’m looking for ways to fight with you,” Leslie explained, squeezing Ben’s hand. “Just remember I love you, and let’s get through this together.”

“I love you too. Thank you so much,” Ben felt overwhelmed with gratitude, relief and love. He leaned towards Leslie and captured her lips in a kiss. “I just wish I could fix this. Make you happy. But I don’t know how.”

“You make me happy. Just by being here.”

They held each other for a minute while Ben tried to find the best way to start. Leslie waited patiently, stroking his back and pressing kisses to his temple, until Ben pulled away while taking a deep breath, and closed his eyes for a moment to gather strength.

“Well, first of all… I owe you an apology,” Ben started, unlinking his hand from Leslie and sitting very straight. He focused his gaze on the wall in front of him. “When you came to Partridge, I wasn’t exactly ready to see you again. And I know I said some really horrible things to you and didn’t treat you well. I was hurting, and I know that’s not an excuse by any means, but… before we do this, before we pick at this wound again... I just wanted you to know that, Leslie. That I am so incredibly sorry for the way I treated you when you found me. It’s – it’s, ah… it’s not the kind of person I want to be. Especially with you.”

Ben could tell that Leslie was biting her tongue to stop herself from interrupting. He continued before Leslie could say anything, because he just wanted to get everything out as soon as he could. 

“After we broke up, I was convinced we were over, and that we would never see each other again, so… I just starting getting drunk and high because it was the only way to just stop _feeling_. It was like the worse I felt, the more I needed to do it. That stuff and the person I turned into… it was like I was giving myself a big enough reason for you to hate me. How could you love this mean, broken person? No one could, and so I leaned into it, more and more. And then it became my entire life and this was the new me. I didn’t want to be the Ben Wyatt you knew then anyways. That Ben had fallen in love and got his heart broken, so it was easier to just become this person I didn’t like and believe that everything really was over. I think… I think every time something happened to me – my parents, Ice Town, all the towns I went to and the people who hated me there for just doing my job – I hardened with each experience. And then I met you and god, you colored my world again and made me feel hopeful again. You made me soften for the first time in I don’t even know how long. You made me feel like all of my past mistakes weren’t wrapped in some sort of barbed wire that hurt to touch, that were locked away and hidden, something wrong and something to be ashamed about. You made me feel like my opinion actually mattered for once, that you cared what I thought and that my contributions mattered. And everyone else had always cared what happened with Ice Town, despised me for it, but you saw me for _me_ and not _that_. It’s… it’s what made me fall in love with you.”

Leslie sniffed quietly, holding herself back and still doing her best to not interrupt Ben as he talked. Ben wanted to apologize for making her cry, but he knew they needed this. He needed this. It was the only way he would ever heal.

“I… I always knew, from our very first conversation – especially the one we had at the bar the second day – that you had dreams to run for office. I obviously knew that, but I just… I couldn’t help myself when it came to you. I wanted to be with you, even if I knew it would be brief and that it couldn’t last,” Ben closed his eyes. He could still see it all so clearly. “That time that we spent together... I would _never_ take that back. Ever. It will always be special to me, even though it ended the way it did. The only thing I’m sure of is that I can’t take any of it back. And when I did break up with you – because I knew I had to, for you – it was the last thing I ever wanted to do. That… it broke me. But like I told you before, I would do it all over again so that I could make all of your dreams come true. Because that’s how much I love you – then and now. It will always be my choice. And look, Leslie. Look at what you were able to do because of that, look at who you have become. I’m a better man for knowing you, and Pawnee is be a better town for electing you. You’re a City Councilor, doing big things in your small town. And I know you won’t stop there. To me? That was worth it then.”

“Ben…” Leslie wiped her tears away. How could he not see? She had to make him see. “I got all of those things, yes, but… what I didn’t - what I _don’t_ have - is you. I thought that becoming City Councilor, achieving a dream of mine, was everything I ever wanted. And I do love it. I love it so, so much. But I love you too. I never stopped loving you, Ben. Making my dreams come true doesn’t mean anything if I don’t have you by my side to watch it all happen.”

“I know,” Ben murmured sadly, and Leslie could feel Ben’s self-loathing creeping back into him. “And I’m sorry that I left. I’m sorry that I didn’t say goodbye to you. But more than that, I’m sorry I didn’t fight for you. For us.”

And of all the words he has said to her since meeting her again, those are the most heartfelt words they’ve ever exchanged and the ones that he meant the most. 

Leslie sat there for a long time. Ben’s thumb continued to rub across her hand and his other hand came up to sink into the back of her hair, to hold her there, and then she just thought back, letting herself really probe these last three years of in between. 

Most of what she remembered was feeling incredibly injured, like Ben had done this to her, like he’d just thrown away everything they had, and she had been aware for a while just how that has lingered, how reticent she’s been to ever even try to understand. She sat there and tried to imagine now what Ben might have been through, how he must have felt to have his own dreams shattered and torn away and to have his girlfriend be only a figment of his worst intentions. 

She lifted herself onto one elbow, and Ben’s hand tightened again but he kept his gaze steady on the ceiling. Leslie cupped his face with her hand and pulled his head around so that their eyes could meet, and Ben’s eyes were a little glassy with unshed tears, his face so open, so pained.

Leslie just whispered, “Me too,” and who cared about anything else, really, because this kiss was sweet and tender, poignant and a little healing and so honest. Ben’s other hand is still holding onto her hair for dear life, and just for a moment, she imagined what it would be like to never let this man go.

They kissed for long, sweaty minutes. The kisses were long, lush, exploratory, and Ben kept breaking them to say her name or to just look up at her, and Ben’s eyes had gone golden in the light and she couldn’t get enough of the feeling of Ben’s hair between her fingers; his hair is longer than before and she loved it. She kissed him and kissed him some more, until they couldn’t take it anymore, and they broke apart together.

She had wanted to pick up the phone and call him after she had won, but she knew that if she had, it wouldn't have been just one phone call. Leslie thought about Ben keeping articles about her, about all of her accomplishments, even though he had been absent from her life. How he must have looked at them, and thought about all that they had loved and lost. It was gutting and brutal to think about, but it was also a strange sort of gift, to know that Ben really hadn’t let go of her. They had wasted so much time. 

Ben turned a little so he could press himself against Leslie’s chest, suddenly needing the comfort that only Leslie’s embrace could provide. “The one thing that still bothers me is that… I broke you and Dave up. You were with Dave longer than you were with me, and I never meant to come between you two. You have to know that.”

Leslie shook her head, wanting to dissuade Ben, to make him understand. “I was... I was not as in love with Dave as I should have been, I think. I spent a lot of time wishing I was. But he was... god, Ben, he was so good to me. He was good _for_ me too. He taught me so much about relationships. He would have done anything for me, and it’s... that feeling, it’s kind of terrifying. Knowing that you have that kind of power over somebody, I mean. By the end… well. It had become obvious I was never going to love him like he loved me,” Leslie paused for a moment and then said, in a small and quiet voice, “I think he felt about me the way I still feel about you – ridiculously and hopelessly in love. There’s a lesson there, I think.”

It was a lot for Ben to take in, and he held Leslie against him, feeling her breath and body familiar against his own. The connection, the thing between them, had been such a huge part of his emotional landscape for so long that waking it up had been as easy as breathing and as scary as walking off a cliff, but what Leslie was talking about, that kind of fear just wasn’t his anymore. “I don’t feel terrified by it, Leslie. By your feelings, I mean.”

“You don’t?”

“No. It feels… it feels good. Knowing I’m not alone in it. Anymore, I mean.”

“He told me, you know,” Leslie began, and Ben’s eyes caught hers again, holding her gaze and watching her intently. “Dave, I mean. He told me that he knew I was still in love with you and that he couldn’t be you. We rarely talked about you because I never wanted to, and maybe it would have been better if we had, but… he knew.”

“I wish _I_ had known.” 

“So do I.”

Ben couldn’t hold back his sobs anymore, and he clung to Leslie’s shirt as he allowed the dam to break. He had drunk these memories and let them poison him for so long, but they were here now. This was more than Ben had dreamed of in his many years of repentance and shame.

It was well past midnight when they fell silent, when Leslie finally seemed to soothe Ben and halt his remaining tears. Leslie felt the exhaustion of a long work week and the difficult conversation seeping into her bones, and Ben was half asleep already, nestled against her and nuzzling her neck.

“Come on,” Leslie murmured, patting Ben’s back gently. “It’s time to go to bed.”

Ben yawned, leaning against the doorway, while Leslie got the bed ready. Like magnets, the bed seemed to draw them in, shifting closer to one another. Leslie’s hand stroked the warm skin of the small of Ben’s back, unable to resist touching him, though too tired to do anymore.

“I love you so much, Leslie,” Ben whispered sleepily. “God, I love you. I always did. I still do. Stay with me this time, _please_ , just stay.”

“Shh, shh, I love you, I’m right here. It’s not so hard to say to me, is it?” Leslie’s hands were tender, stroking at his hair and down along his neck.

He shook his head and buried it against her neck, and he said, “You have no idea.”

\---------------------------------------

Waking up the following morning was a gradual effort. Ben slipped away from the dream he was having very slowly, and into reality, without opening his eyes. He felt the weight of the covers and the softness of the pillow under his head, but the thing he was most aware of was the warmth of the body pressed against his side and the pressure of the arm thrown over his stomach. Then he noticed the familiar, intoxicating scent of Leslie’s skin and a smile spread over his lips.

He blinked his eyes open and found that Leslie was already awake and watching him with the most carefree and content look on her face.

“Morning,” Ben hummed lazily. 

“Good morning,” Leslie said. She traced her hand back up from Ben’s stomach to his chest. She splayed her fingers over where his heart was beating steadily. “Did you sleep well?”

Ben cupped the side of her neck, using his thumb to caress the edge of her jaw, thinking that he could most definitely get used to a good night’s sleep with Leslie in his arms. “Never better.”

Leslie touched the dark marks under Ben’s eyes very gently. They weren’t as pronounced as they had been months ago, but they were still there, faint, like a reminder. “You still look a little tired.”

“I’m okay, I promise,” Ben said. He stretched his arms over his head, arching his back slightly, before wrapping them around Leslie and pulling her closer. “Hi.”

A silly smile appeared on Leslie’s face. “Hi yourself.”

“Last night was… thank you,” Ben murmured quietly, as he ran his fingers through Leslie’s sleep mussed blonde hair. “It was exactly what I needed.”

Leslie settled comfortably on top of Ben and rested her chin on Ben’s chest. “Did it help?”

Ben gave himself a moment to think about it. He closed his eyes and looked for the usual heaviness that he carried around inside of him. He looked for the guilt, the self-loathing and the bitterness that seemed to follow him everywhere he went. He was shocked but relieved when he realized those feelings had vanished almost completely. Talking things through with Leslie had been the one thing he hadn’t been able to do all those years ago – properly apologizing, explaining himself, listening to what Leslie had to say about it – and now… now it felt like he finally found the closure he had so desperately needed.

“You know what? I think it really, really did,” Ben answered with a bright smile that Leslie returned, before moving forward a few inches to place a sweet kiss on Ben’s lips.

“I’m so glad, Ben. From now on, communication has to be a priority for us. No more bottling things up and letting them fester. Whenever we need to talk, we’ll talk.”

Ben nodded, as a bubbling sensation spread all over him at hearing Leslie talking about them in future tense. Leslie had no doubts that they were going to make it. That gave Ben more courage than he had felt in years.

“How about - ” Leslie mumbled against his lips, “ - you stay right where you are - ” She stopped when Ben pulled her lower lip between his to suck lightly on it, “ - and I bring you breakfast in bed?”

“You don’t have to spoil me, you know?” 

“Oh, but that’s exactly what I plan to do,” Leslie teased. She planted one last quick kiss on Ben’s kiss-rosy lips, and then pulled away, swatting away Ben’s hands when he tried to trap her against his chest, hoping to continue what they had started.

Leslie padded to the kitchen, leaving Ben alone in her bed with his thoughts. He breathed in Leslie’s scent, and shivered in delight. His whole body felt lighter than it had in years, ready to begin the day with an eager anticipation he hadn’t felt since he was a child. Suddenly his life seemed full of possibilities that he could look forward to. He wasn’t caged anymore, by his fears and guilt and shame. He was finally free, taking the first steps in a world he hadn’t been a part of in years. In this world, there was light, hope and love, and Ben couldn’t wait to let all of it wash over him again.

There would always be things and mistakes he would need to conquer. He couldn’t erase his past, after all. But the heaviest weight had been lifted and he wasn’t bent under it anymore. He didn’t feel crushed by it anymore. He could walk straight, albeit carefully, hesitantly, but without feeling like everything he had done in his life, the wrong choices he had made, would break him.

He wasn’t the man he had been. It all had vanished and he would never get it back. But he felt like he was finally shaping himself into a man he wouldn’t be ashamed of being. And a man that Leslie liked, and more importantly, a man that _he_ liked.

Life is a path paved with mistakes. They are inevitable. It is the way those mistakes are dealt with that really shapes and molds a person.

When Leslie came back, Ben was staring up at the ceiling, still trying to understand what exactly was happening inside of him. He was calm, though, and knew he had time to figure things out. He was finally on the right track, and he wouldn’t ruin it by rushing himself towards full recovery. He would get there when he was ready.

Leslie put the tray on the nightstand and climbed back into bed next to Ben. Ben sat up and accepted the cup of coffee Leslie was offering. After settling the tray carefully between them, Leslie took a sip of her own coffee and then cut a piece of waffle and presented the fork to Ben with a playful smile.

“Open,” she instructed and Ben rolled his eyes in amusement, but obeyed.

They fed each other bites of Leslie’s special waffles, between sips of coffee, simply enjoying each other’s company without a dark cloud hanging over them. They couldn’t help but be thrilled about what the future held for them.

“Why is this so easy?” Ben asked, mostly to himself, as he stared into Leslie’s bright blue eyes. “It feels so easy and natural, but it’s been years.”

“Because we’re supposed to be here?” Leslie said, shrugging carelessly. “I don’t think I’ll ever completely understand why we are so perfect for each other, why the universe intends us to be together… but I’m so happy you’re the one I feel this way about.”

Ben couldn’t believe how lucky he had been – he had lost this perfect woman because of his own stupidity and insecurities, but he had somehow managed to get her back. “You better put that tray away, because I need to kiss you right now.”

Leslie bit her lip as she rushed to remove the tray from the bed, and before she had the chance to fully turn back to Ben, Ben was already wrapping his arms around her neck and plunging into a passionate kiss. Leslie moaned wantonly, immediately shoving her hands under Ben’s tee so she could get to his soft, warm skin.

Leslie laid down, pulling Ben with her and groaning in appreciation when his weight embedded her into the mattress. When Ben moved to kiss down her neck, Leslie breathed in shakily and tried to be reasonable. “Sweetheart… are you sure you’re ready for this? We can wait. I wanted to give you a little more time. I know it's not much, just a few days, but I could tell you were having some trouble with all of this, and I just... I wanted you to be able to really decide, without jumping right back into bed.”

“You mean this bed? The bed we're lying in right now?”

“I know, I know. Still. I feel like... there's a difference, I think, between what we've been doing so far and… this...”

“You mean, just - ” Ben made an incredibly vague hand gesture between them. “Leslie, I want... I want time. I want to take my time with you. I want to spread you out and get to know you again, all of you.”

It was a heady thought and the only thing Leslie could really compare to it is a consummation of the night of a wedding. “You want epic, dirty, newlywed sex.”

Ben just smiled back. “Yeah. Something like that. And look, we didn't even have to get married!”  


“We _are_ married, Benjamin Wyatt.”

“It's been a long time coming,” Ben said in a lower voice, as his body thrummed with urgency. “I'm prepared for you, Leslie Knope. Give me your worst.”

Leslie whined, arching her back off the bed to get even closer to him. She climbed on top of him and crushed him in a kiss, and Ben was still smiling against her mouth when she got there. 

Their kisses soon turned desperate – their bodies were ready to claim what they had missed for so long. It had been two months without feeling each other’s skin, without giving each other their all, and an even longer span of time before that. One night back in Ben’s apartment hadn’t been enough to satisfy the fire lapping their insides. They needed more. They needed everything.

Leslie started pulling at Ben’s clothes, wishing she could just rip it from his body to get to the warm, soft skin underneath. Ben wasn’t too far behind, tugging at Leslie’s shirt to take it off without breaking off their kiss, which proved to be impossible.

“Wait, wait,” Leslie murmured, breathlessly. “We don’t have to rush. I’ve wanted this for too long to simply rush through it and I - ”

Ben panted against her cheek, closing his eyes as he tried to find his self-control. He pressed his lips against Leslie’s jaw and started mouthing along it very slowly, right back in her space, nuzzling their noses and faces together, every breath of his gusting across her cheek and every slow blink brushing his eyelashes against her skin. “You’re right. I want to savor it. I want to savor you. I want to spend some time with you, with your body. I want to touch you and taste you everywhere. And then I want to stretch you out underneath me, and I want you to taste my skin and smell me with every breath and I want you to watch me while I fuck you, while I make love to you. That's what I want. I want to fuck you, I want to make love to you, and I want to be in your space and I want to overwhelm you, and I want you to try not to forget, even for a second, that that's exactly what's happening.”

Leslie's breath came out in a rush and now she knew. Now she knew why this was so scary, why Ben had been so solemn. It was because Ben didn't just want sex, he wanted everything. And maybe he wasn’t ready to go all in, maybe he still had more healing to do, and that he couldn’t be completely _hers_ yet, but Ben was pushing again, he was upping the ante, and the moment felt heavy with inevitability, pregnant with possibility.

“Oh,” Leslie panted out, and took a moment to try to think about what she wanted, beyond Ben's mouth back on hers.

There was a lot there. Ben was so close, so incredibly physically present, and she wanted to go back in time and keep Ben in Pawnee with her, wanted to rage at herself for not fighting for him back then, wanted to never let him go now that she had him again. She wanted to have had these years though, these years to herself, where she had fearlessly explored some things and hid from some others. She wanted to stop regretting things, regretting their break up and regretting Dave and their engagement, and she wanted to find a way to be as bold and fearless here, right now, with Ben, as she was in so many other places. And she wanted this, she wanted it too, wanted every bit of Ben that she could get, right here, and the best way she could reach out and take him was to let herself go, let Ben take her wherever he wanted to. It wasn’t at all what she was used to, but maybe that was the point.

Ben was still just rubbing their cheeks together, and it shouldn't have felt so sensuous but his words were still ringing in Leslie's ears and Leslie was so turned on by the thought, by the images that Ben has planted there. She reached up and framed his face in her hands, pulling him back and taking a moment to look at him, serious and so, so loved, before she pulled him down into a kiss. This was love, god, this was love, and it was _hers_.

“Yes,” Leslie said against Ben's mouth, nodding. “Yes, I want that.”

A part of her was afraid that it was going to be a reenactment of last night and she didn't want to slow down to talk again, because she was done talking, but Ben just gathered both of her hands and brought them over her head, leaning his weight on them and hovering over her. He looked happy and wild, and then he said, “Yeah, I have you where I want you now,” before diving back in to kiss her again and gently rock above her. This was a new side of Ben, this kind of raw sexual aggression, and it made Leslie gasp and wish for her hands to be free so that she could cling, clasp, pull him closer. Instead, she just took what Ben wanted to give her, which appeared to be everything.

Leslie whimpered, unable to stop herself, as Ben found an unexpectedly sensitive area they had discovered together years ago. Ben still remembered all of Leslie’s perfect little spots, and he was planning on discovering more.

They peeled each other’s clothes off between smiles and more kisses. Ben trailed his fingertips down Leslie’s bare chest, from her collarbones to her navel, in awe with each passing touch. This beautiful woman wanted him, wanted his touch, and Ben realized he was the luckiest man in the world. He had been to hell and back, and his life suddenly seemed to be bathed in light and promises of beautiful tomorrows.

Their mouths found each other again as Ben lowered his naked body over hers. They gasped at how wonderful it felt to have no barriers between them, and kissed deeply, letting their tongues dance together in a way that sent shivers down their spines. Leslie’s hands settled on Ben’s shoulders and she squeezed the muscle there, before letting one of her hands travel south, tracing the lines of Ben’s body until she reached the dip right above his cock.

Their hips rocked together a few times, unable to restrain their urgency and their need for friction. Ben was hard, and he could feel Leslie against his hip, wet, so wet, and in the very same state.

“Just like this?” Ben asked, wanting to give Leslie whatever she needed.

Leslie threw her head back against the pillows and moaned. “I want more. I want you – Jesus fuck, Ben, you just – fuck.”

Ben swallowed his own moan and focused on Leslie. He knew he was already making her fall apart and fuck, if it wasn’t the most beautiful sight he could ever behold. “What? What do you want, Leslie?”

“Fuck me,” Leslie said in a hoarse voice. Her fingers dug into Ben’s ass, pressing him closer to her as she thrust up. “Please, fuck me. But more than that, make love to me.”

Ben groaned and hid his face in Leslie’s neck for a moment. “Yeah? That’s what you want?”

“Ben, I need it,” Leslie growled, as her hips picked up speed. “I can’t stop thinking about it, about feeling you inside of me again.”

Ben had to bite his lip extra hard to stop himself from coming just from Leslie’s words alone. “Oh fuck, Leslie.”

“Would you? Will you?” Leslie asked, nuzzling her nose against Ben’s cheek in a surprisingly tender gesture that contrasted how brazen the moment felt. “Please, Ben, _please_.”

Ben smirked, trying to pull away. “Good things come to those who wait. I told you, I want to take my time with you.”

“Ben Wyatt, don’t you dare tease me like this,” Leslie said, reaching down to give Ben’s cock a light squeeze, eliciting a tiny squeal from him, followed by a breathy laugh.

And this, _this_ was what Ben missed the most. Being with someone who could laugh with him and make even the most vulnerable moments seem easy and safe. The moment was just theirs, only theirs, with no clocks, no rules, no observers and no expectations but their own. 

They kissed again and kept their eyes open as they did, staring at each other with unabashed easiness.

_Soulmates._

Those words had been in his mind since he was living in Pawnee more than three years ago, and now he was there again, in Pawnee, with nothing else but the two of them, and he knew it was true. It had always been true.

Soon, Leslie was melting under him again, gasping and pleading. Ben kissed his way down Leslie’s body, paying special attention to her peaked pink nipples, making Leslie moan in appreciation. He dipped his tongue down her sternum and into her belly button, remembering how soft Leslie’s body used to be, and biting on the taut skin of her stomach. Leslie gasped in anticipation when Ben reached her entrance, but Ben pointedly ignored it, licking over the sensitive insides of her thighs and her hipbones instead.

“Ben…” Leslie groaned, arching her hips a little to try to get Ben exactly where she wanted him.

Ben used the opportunity to keep Leslie’s ass off the bed and angle her slightly upwards. Leslie’s breath hitched when she seemed to realize where Ben was going.

“I want you, god I love you, I never want to stop touching you, Leslie,” Ben kissed his way down, barely stopping to mouth at Leslie’s folds, before he spread her open with his lips, then his tongue and then his long fingers. 

God, she loved those fingers. 

A guttural moan tore out of Leslie, her hands clenching handfuls of the sheets. Ben lapped at her entrance, fueled by the delicious sounds Leslie emitted, then thrust his tongue and fingers as far as he could inside her. They had only recently discovered this before their breakup, and Ben had dreamed of one day making Leslie lose her mind again.

Leslie let out breathless, incomprehensible little sounds that made Ben groan and push for more. The way Leslie tasted was so primitive and so uniquely _her_ that he couldn’t get enough of it. He wanted to make Leslie crumble just with the motions of his tongue.

“Ben, oh god, oh god, Ben…” Leslie cried out, her voice reaching an impossible height. “Please, _please_ … I’m not going to last - ”

Ben paused, then began dropping tiny little kisses to the tops of Leslie’s thighs, slowing his pace and giving Leslie a chance to come down from her high. Leslie moved her fingers and took Ben’s face between her hands and pulled him back up until they were face to face again. Ben’s eyes were glassy, his pupils blown and his cheeks were flushed. 

Ben could only hum teasingly. “Oh, just wait, babe. Just wait.”

The endearment fell off his tongue, the old habit to call her that when he felt tender and protective rising up like it had been waiting there, ready to be used again. Maybe it had, he couldn’t tell, but he really, _really_ liked the way it rolled off his tongue, like it had been begging to be said, waiting for Leslie to be here again with him so that he could. 

He pulled away, his jaw sore and his tongue exhausted, and replaced the sudden emptiness before Leslie could really utter a complaint, using two fingers to open her up more thoroughly again. Leslie let out a keening noise and Ben smiled as he pressed his mouth against her hipbone, looking up at her and enjoying watching Leslie coming undone. 

Pre come was leaking from the slit of his cock. Leslie took that very opportunity to sit up, pushing Ben away from her so that she was now above him. She took her time, echoing his earlier movements, but this was for him, all for him, and Ben was so mesmerized and so hard that he could barely think. 

She traced her fingertip over the crown and down the long purple vein, following close behind with her tongue. She lingered over his slit, squeezing out tiny beads of salt and slick so that she could rub them over her lips and lick the taste away. Ben looked up at her through dark eyelashes and he saw her mouth glossy with his very own pre come and he felt wrecked with his own fatigue and desire, almost completely breaking at the sight of her like that.

“So gorgeous,” Ben muttered without thinking. “And you’re just for me, aren’t you?”

The ecstasy etched across Leslie’s face was as beautiful as a work of art and Ben wished he could capture it so that he would never forget about it, about the way her cherry lips parted around him to let out her moans, the way her stunning blue eyes rolled to the back of her head, the way her neck stretched as she threw her head back to take him fully in her mouth, seeking more of him, like she just couldn’t get enough.

Ben could tell Leslie was ready for him. He carefully eased her head off his cock, and brought her back up to kiss her, long and languid, reveling in her taste mixing with his. His body was asking him to hurry up, but he ignored it. He hadn’t felt like this with any other woman in his bed, no one ever coming close to making him feel how Leslie did. The smallest touch from Leslie had the power to ignite his soul and his body had always been helpless when it came to her.

They held each other tightly, wrapped around each other like they were afraid to let go, leaving just enough distance between them so that Ben could grab his cock and direct it to Leslie’s entrance, circling it slowly and letting the fire burn even more.

“Ben?” Leslie breathed out, almost whining.

“Yes?” Ben asked, letting his cock slide through the wetness between Leslie’s folds.

“I love you, but if you don’t fuck me right now, I’m going to pin you to the mattress and ride you myself,” Leslie replied, wrapping her legs around Ben’s waist and doing her best to pull him even closer.

Ben laughed, but his eyes darkened at the thought. “I thought patience was a virtue, my love?”

“I’ll be more patient during the second round,” Leslie said, biting on Ben’s lower lip and sucking on it to soothe it. “But now I just want you, _all_ of you. So make love to me, Ben Wyatt.”

Ben finally pushed in, agonizingly slow, and Leslie gripped his shoulders and arched her body, as if trying to already bring him closer and deeper. Ben was done playing games and teasing her. He was going slow because it had been too long, and he had dreamed of this for way too many endless, lonely nights. He wanted to concentrate on how Leslie’s body accepted him, how it opened for him, how his heart started pounding wildly against his ribcage when he bottomed out and looked into Leslie’s eyes.

Leslie seemed to understand what was going through Ben’s head and she threw her arms around his neck and held him, as their souls and bodies met again.

They panted against each other’s mouths, eyes locked and heartbeats in unison. Ben managed a shy little smile, whispering the sweetest of nothings to her. “I love you.”

Leslie nuzzled their noses together. Her life was so perfect, right at this very moment in time. “I love you too.”

They built their rhythm gradually, letting the passion flow between them, guiding them. They held each other tightly, wishing they never had to let go. Ben angled his hips and fucked Leslie the exact way he knew Leslie liked it. His body had never been able to forget. 

Soon, Leslie was letting out quiet little sobs of pleasure, body wracked with the sensation of her orgasm. Ben was moaning softly as he focused more on giving Leslie what she needed than his own urges.

“Leslie,” Ben muttered, and all he could do was utter her name over and over. He sounded and looked wrecked, like his control was failing him at last. “Leslie, fuck… I’m going to come soon, you feel so good.”

Leslie started meeting his every thrust, and Ben whimpered when he felt her clench around him. She dug her fingers into Ben’s shoulder blades hard, as her belly was abruptly flooded with a warm sensation that seemed to pull at all the right strings inside of her once more, making them snap until all she could feel was overwhelming pleasure rushing through her, hotter than the blood in her veins.

Her orgasm seemed to last forever, and so did Ben’s, once he followed a few seconds later, his hips stuttering as he chased the wonderful high he thought he would never feel again. It was perfect; pure pleasure that made them cling to each other even more, as if afraid it would all disappear if they let go.

They were sweaty and covered in come, but neither cared as they rode out the last waves of pleasure. Leslie’s laughter bubbled out of her without restraints, as if her happiness needed an escape somehow, and she wasn’t capable of holding it back anymore. Ben watched her with an inert smile of his own, brushing back the hairs that had stuck to her forehead. Even like this, Leslie was the most beautiful woman in the world.

Especially like this.


	14. Chapter 14

Ben kissed the curve of her naked shoulder and felt freer and lighter than he had felt in over three years. He _loved_ this feeling. Was it possible to stay like this forever?

He didn’t know for sure, but he was damn sure going to try. 

They stayed in bed for hours more, kissing each and every spot they could find and let the heat build again until they felt like going for another round, and then a third one after that. Ben was starting to get ambitious and Leslie could see that he was thinking of a fourth one, but she dragged him out of bed and into the shower instead, where they stood under the spray, holding each other close. 

They wanted to simply _be_.

They were starving by the time they stumbled into the kitchen. It was too late for lunch, but she set her mind on making them something to eat anyways.

“We need to recharge energy,” Leslie said with a wink, as she opened the fridge. Her phone vibrated then, snapping her out of her blissful high with Ben. It was a message from Ann, who obviously couldn’t contain her curiosity and anxiety. Leslie would have to fill her in. 

“Ann wants to know if we’d like to have dinner with them tonight,” Leslie said after she read the message, looking up at Ben. “She’s been really excited about seeing you again. But we can say no, if you’re not comfortable. I mean… this weekend is supposed to be for us, so - ”

“I’d love to see her, and Chris too,” Ben answered, wrapping his arms around Leslie’s waist. “Did you have other plans for us?”

“Not really. I mean, we could always go to bed early - "

Ben smirked. “Oh, really? You’re insatiable, Leslie Knope.”

Leslie feigned innocence. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just want you to get enough rest. I wouldn’t want to keep you up just so we can have dinner with Ann and Chris.”

“Right. You’re just worried about me getting enough sleep,” Ben said amused, hiding his smile on the crook of Leslie’s neck. 

“Of course I am, Benjamin.”

She replied to Ann, letting her know dinner was on at Leslie’s house. It still gave them several more hours to spend together. Going back to bed was awfully tempting, but Leslie opted to take him out for a tour of the city. 

It was a cloudy day, but it was warm outside, with summer just around the corner. They inevitably ended up in Ramsett Park, a place they had always wanted to visit together, but they hadn’t had the chance to before their break up. They strolled lazily through the park with their hands swaying between them, as they talked about Ben’s nieces and Leslie’s nephew, about the last book Ben had read and the new movie Leslie wanted to see, about the places Ben wanted to go to in Pawnee, and the places Leslie couldn’t wait to see in Partridge. They made plans without being too obvious or forward about it, but they both smiled as they did, knowing those plans weren’t made in vain this time.

Sitting on a park bench, high on the steps, they could see the lake and the beautiful fountain, surrounded by trees, and wandering people, with the voices of playing children providing the soundtrack to a perfect day.

Leslie laced their fingers together, and rested them on her lap, sighing contentedly. “This is one of my favorite places in this city.”

“It’s beautiful,” Ben said, as his eyes wandered around. He took their clasped hands and raised them to his lips, kissing them. “Do you come here often?”

“I used to,” Leslie answered, smiling at the gesture. “I’ve lived in Pawnee all my life, and there are so many places I went to all the time, this being one of them. But I’ve gotten so busy and I haven’t been in awhile. I knew the next time I wanted to come here, it would be with you.”

“I love the passion and dedication you have for your work, Leslie,” Ben murmured fondly, turning his head to nuzzle his face into Leslie’s neck. “You’ve always worked so hard.”

“I still do, I think,” Leslie said thoughtfully. “I like being busy, and I got so lucky with these two jobs, but… I don’t know. I feel like it all happened so fast, I didn’t even get to enjoy it.”

“Did you ever imagine you would end up where you are now? Deputy Director and now a City Councilwoman? That’s huge, Leslie,” Ben muttered with a proud smile. He’d always been so irrevocably proud of her, even from afar. But it seemed to amplify now that they were together. She was his wife, even if it was only so on paper for now, and he was so proud to be her husband.

“Not really,” Leslie admitted, squeezing his hand, trying to find some semblance of reassurance. “I didn’t even think I’d get elected in the first place and then when I did… I’ve been too scared of screwing up and realizing there isn’t a place for me in Pawnee, in local government like this. Let alone, higher government someday.”

“Oh, come on,” Ben nudged her shoulder and she smiled back at him. “You always belonged here, Leslie, even before you stepped into these roles for the first time. You’re made for this.”

She looked at him with a quiet peace about her, examining Ben’s face, and wanting to ask if he belonged there too. They lived in different states now, lived completely separate lives, and even though she didn’t want to rush things between them, she finally saw a future for them… but she had no idea how that was going to work.

Would it be enough, if she could never give him the peace she felt in this moment?

“Come on,” Leslie said instead, leaning in for a quick kiss. “Let’s go. The park is huge and there’s a lot more I want to show you.”

They kept walking, admiring the different monuments and playgrounds and every little attraction Ramsett Park had to offer. Ben’s face lit up when they arrived at the carousel, with the sweet calliope music playing as the horses went round. He tugged on Leslie’s hand excitedly.

“Let’s go for a ride, Leslie!”

Leslie laughed. “It’s full of kids, Ben!”

“So? We can have fun too!” Ben bolted towards the carousel, dragging Leslie along, and soon he had bought tickets for a couple rides, and was choosing a beautiful white horse to jump onto. “See? It’s amazing!”

Leslie stood with her feet planted firmly on the ground, shaking her head as she watched Ben enjoy himself even more than the kids around them. Her heart swelled with joy as she watched Ben laugh, so full of life, such a contrast from the man she had found over two months ago.

Unable to stop the rush of love that seemed to make her body vibrate, Leslie finally climbed onto the carousel when it went round and Ben appeared in front of her again. She held onto the pole above the horse’s head and leaned in for a long and languid kiss, surprising Ben, who smiled as he kissed her back. Leslie cupped his face and closed her eyes, hoping she would always see that spark of happiness in Ben’s beautiful eyes.

“I love you,” Leslie whispered against Ben’s lips when he pulled away. “So very much.”

Ben seemed a little dazed. He let out a shaky breath and moved in for another kiss. “I love you too.”

Leslie decided to give in, and joined Ben for a few rides. How could she ever deny him that? She wanted to live in this place forever.

They couldn’t stay at Ramsett Park for long. They needed to get ready for dinner with their friends. There were many other places Leslie wanted to take Ben to, but they would have to wait until another day. 

By the time they carried their groceries into Leslie’s house, there was only an hour before their guests were due to arrive. As she pulled items from the bags one by one, she realized she had bought several bottles of wine. She stopped and looked up at Ben, who peered at her curiously. 

“What is it, Leslie?” Ben asked, tilting his head to the side. 

Leslie bit her lip. “Is this… is this okay? Having the alcohol around? I didn’t even think about it while I was buying them, but if this is too much for you to handle, I can - ”

Ben’s hand came up to her lips, tracing his finger across it. “Relax, Leslie. You don’t have to be nervous about this. I’m not an alcoholic. I know I gave you the wrong impression back in Partridge, but I can control my drinking. I’ll have just water if it makes _you_ uncomfortable though.”

“No, not at all. I just don’t want to mess anything up or derail your progress,” Leslie said, placing her hands on Ben’s chest, her eyes purposely focusing on his. “I’m very proud of you and how well you have been doing and I just don’t want to ruin it.”

“Drinking was an escape for me, but I don’t need it anymore,” Ben assured her. “I’m may not be one hundred percent where I need to be, but I’m a lot closer than I was a few weeks ago.”

Leslie felt content with his answer, and she put some music on as they started working, cooking the meal together. Ben took care of the sauce for the pasta, while Leslie threw a couple of salads together. Ben spun her around the kitchen and swayed with her to the rhythm of an old song coming from the radio, when he was on his way to the fridge to pick up a few more ingredients. Leslie laughed and put her arms around his neck, dancing with him for a moment, before they both navigated back to their tasks. There was a really good chance that her smile might break her face apart.

This was exactly what Leslie had been aching for. This in sync, fluid domesticity that didn’t require an effort from them. They simply flowed together like waves in the ocean, working together flawlessly and complementing each other. This was what she wanted, what she dreamed of. She wanted a home with Ben, and she wanted their marriage to stop being real only on paper.

Once she was done with the salads, Leslie went into the dining room to set the table. She was folding the linen napkins when the doorbell rang. She stopped by the kitchen and turned the music off, dropping a quick kiss on Ben’s shoulder, who was still busy at the stove.

“They’re here.”

“Okay. Let me just finish with this and I’ll be right there.”

Leslie went to the foyer to greet their guests, but once she opened the door, she was surprised to find that Ann wasn’t with Chris after all.

“Chris?” Leslie asked, confused. “Where’s Ann?”

Chris peeked into the house anxiously. “Ann is coming. She just got caught up on shift. And I thought maybe I could come and see him beforehand? It’s been a really long time and I - ” He bit his lip and thrust a box with JJ’s logo on it into Leslie’s hands. “I brought waffles.”

Leslie rolled her eyes fondly and accepted her waffles. _Damn you, Chris._ “I thought Ann might be here as sort of a… buffer. Ben is really nervous, and pretty fragile. I’m not entirely sure how he is going to react.”

“Of course, Leslie. I’m so sorry. I know it was impulsive of me, and I’ll leave if he doesn’t want to see me, but it’s just…” Chris looked a little forlorn when he fixed his eyes on Leslie’s. “He was my best friend, and he simply vanished.”

Leslie gave Chris’s shoulder a light squeeze in comfort. “I understand. Just give me a minute, okay?”

Chris nodded and stayed in the foyer, fidgeting, while Leslie walked back to the kitchen. Ben was checking the water for the pasta, completely oblivious as to who was standing in the house.

“Hey,” Leslie said softly. She set the waffles on the counter. Of course Chris was hoping to bribe her with her favorite food. “Chris is here.”

Ben frowned. “Just Chris?”

“Ann is still at work,” Leslie explained, watching him closely for a reaction. “He wants to have some time alone with you beforehand. He missed you, and he’s pretty excited to see you, but he says he’ll leave if you don’t - ”

Ben was out of the kitchen before Leslie could finish talking. Leslie followed him, worry already tugging at her insides, as she hoped this wouldn’t set Ben back. But when she walked back into the foyer, Ben was throwing his arms around Chris and hugging him tightly, as Chris, a little stunned, reciprocated. Leslie smiled as she watched them.

“I’m so sorry,” Ben was saying, as Chris gave him little pats on the back. “I’m sorry, Chris.”

“It’s okay, Ben Wyatt,” Chris muttered, and he sniffled, a lone tear breaking through to trail down his cheek. “It’s just good to see you. I _literally_ could not be happier.” 

They hugged for a very long time, and Leslie left to check on the food and give them a little privacy. After some time had passed, she could hear them talking in low voices, with Ben apologizing over and over. Chris was very sincere and kept saying that he had nothing to apologize for, and how he understood what Ben had needed to do back then, even if it had been hard for him. Leslie was grateful for how considerate Chris was being. She knew Chris could be a little too positive sometimes, something that could easily rub Ben the wrong way in that moment. That wasn’t what Ben needed then, but he had a good heart, and he had always been a good friend to Ben.

When the conversation seemed to move to lighter topics, Leslie felt comfortable coming back out of the kitchen, setting places for Chris and Ann at the table and she offered him a drink, just as the doorbell rang again.

It was Ann, with Oliver resting on her hip. Chris and Ben got up from where they had sat on the couch and joined them at the door. Ann, who had been hugging Leslie, immediately let go of her and pulled Ben into her arms, crushing him against her chest.

Ben looked slightly anxious, but hugged her back all the same, a small smile on his lips. “Hi, Ann.”

“We have so much catching up to do! Look at your hair! I would have never recognized you if I didn’t know it was you. You look great though. Leslie mentioned you’ve been working with Stephanie. You have to tell me all about it. And fill me in on Partridge and your nieces and - ”

Chris rolled his eyes, greeting Ann with a kiss on the cheek as bounced little Oliver a bit. “There she goes. I told her to take it easy, but - ”

“Oh, your wife never knew how to take things easy,” Leslie said, as she reached for her nephew. She hugged him and planted several kisses on his chubby cheeks. “Look at this handsome little guy!”

Chris gave Ben another hug, and then wrapped an arm around Ann and gave her a meaningful look. She immediately smiled sheepishly and stopped talking a mile a minute. It had taken them a while, but they finally worked together effortlessly, understanding each other better than they had in their early Pawnee days.

“Wow, he really is beautiful. Just like his parents,” Ben said, approaching Leslie and grinning at the baby. “Hi, Oliver!”

“Say hi, Oliver. Can you say hi? Say hi Uncle Ben!” Leslie exclaimed in a silly high voice.

Ben started at that and turned to Leslie. His eyes were wide and a little watery. “Uncle Ben?”

“You are my husband, aren’t you?” Leslie asked quietly, her cheeks tinged pink and a little afraid she might be rejected. Was Ben ready for that?

Ben kissed her softly and then grabbed one of Oliver’s hands, but whatever words he wanted to say seemed to have gotten lost in the lump in his throat.

Leslie decided to save him from the moment and announced dinner was almost ready. She put the baby in Ben’s arms and went into the kitchen, while Ann and Chris fawned over both of them.

Their dinner was flawless, both the food and the conversation. Leslie had worried that someone would bring up Ben’s past history, but both Chris and Ann were tactful enough to avoid anything of the sort. No one mentioned the disastrous years following their bitter breakup. Leslie breathed a sigh of relief. Everything was exactly as it should be.

Ben had probably sensed how tense Leslie was, because halfway through dinner, he squeezed her knee under the table and shot her a reassuring smile. Leslie managed to relax after that, and finally noticed how lovely it was to have dinner with his friends, and to be able to have Ben by her side through it. Once more, she ached for this to become something they could do together for years to come. She wanted her life to always feel as full and as right as it did now.

When everyone else seemed a little distracted because Oliver had grabbed a handful of pasta from Chris’s plate and shoved it all in his mouth, Ben leaned towards Leslie, whispering into her ear.

“Hey. Are you okay? You’ve been really quiet all night.”

Leslie smiled softly and cupped Ben’s clean-shaved cheek in her hand. “I’m okay. I’m just… so happy.”

For a moment, as they looked each other in the eyes, they forgot they weren’t alone, because the rest of the world didn’t matter when they were together. When Leslie looked at Ben, her heart pounded wildly and her life’s only purpose was to count the specs in Ben’s eyes and feel the warmth of his breath against her skin. When Ben looked at Leslie, all sorrows disappeared, like they had been nothing but a little hardship, a little obstacle to get past so that he could see Leslie again. Leslie was every line in his novel he hadn’t finished writing and every deep breath he took when he needed strength.

They moved in for a kiss at the same time, letting their lips caress each other softly for a moment. Ben tasted of new beginnings and dreams about to come true, and Leslie couldn’t get enough of him. She rested their foreheads together and closed her eyes as she smiled and breathed him in, content with the love that made her stomach tighten.

When they parted and turned back to the table, they found Ann smiling widely at them with her hands clutched against her chest, Chris giving Ben the biggest, most excited thumbs-up ever, watching them as he held Oliver, a warm little smile on his face. Leslie and Ben blushed and laughed, but didn’t say anything.

There was nothing left to explain when their love was there in plain sight for everyone else to see.

They moved to the living room area once they were done eating, and Ben immediately sank to the floor to play with Oliver, who giggled and seemed completely enamored with his new uncle already. Leslie excused herself to clear the dishes. She was turning the faucet on to start washing when Chris appeared by her side, with a towel in hand.

“You wash, I dry, Leslie Knope,” Chris said jubilantly.

Leslie smiled at him but didn’t reply, because she could tell there was something Chris wanted to talk about. After so many years as coworkers, and as family now because he was married to her best friend, they understood each other as well as if they had grown up together. Chris had grown into one of her closest friends, and she loved him. He was a wonderful man now, a husband, a father, and every role suited him like a glove. Leslie wasn’t sure if she said it enough, but she really admired him.

“You two look very happy together,” Chris commented absently, as Leslie passed him a glass.

“We’re getting there,” Leslie replied. She was happy – happier than she had been in a long time – but she also wasn’t delusional. They still had a lot more road ahead before they could arrive at the life she had always wanted. She was a lot more confident about being able to make it, but she knew they still needed more time.

“You know, it’s quite odd,” Chris continued thoughtfully. “I look at him and I know he’s Ben, and in some ways, like the way he looks at you… he’s the same guy he’s always been, but with longer, messier hair – not the signature uptight Ben hair I was used to. But when you really, really look at him… he’s another man entirely. He’s more serious and reserved, and if you look close enough, you can almost see the scars of the life he’s had until now.”

“It’s been difficult, but I know he can make it,” Leslie said softly, eyes meeting his. “I know _we_ can make it. I love him, Chris. Just as much, or even more, than I did three years ago. We are different people now, but I’m sure we’re doing the right thing here. It’s always going to be Ben. I’m never going to love anyone else like I love him.”

“I’m very glad you two found each other again,” Chris said, with that characteristic grin of his, before going serious again. “It was very hard, on him and on you, when everything went to hell, and then watching you, all these years, trying to build your life again.”

“We had to struggle, and we handled things very differently, but yeah… I think the worst is over now,” Leslie said, as she finished with the dishes and dried her hands. “I know you’ve been worried, Chris, but it’s okay. I really appreciate that you have my back though.”

“Always, Leslie Knope,” Chris squeezed her shoulder affectionately. There was a squeal coming from the living room, followed by Ben’s laughter. “I think Oliver loves his new uncle.”

Leslie sighed, filled to bursting with love. “He’s not the only one.”

It was a little past midnight by the time everyone left. Leslie and Ben walked them to the door and accepted their hugs and smiles. They kissed Oliver on the forehead, who was already asleep against his father’s chest, and Chris and Ben exchanged phone numbers, as Chris promised Ben that he would visit him in Partridge in just a few weeks. Ben looked very happy with the idea that he had gotten his best friend back.

“That was nice,” Ben commented, as they got ready for bed, brushing their teeth side by side, standing at the sink.

“Right? And I’m glad you could get back in touch with Chris,” Leslie said, after spitting her toothpaste and rinsing her mouth.

“I missed him. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had,” Ben glanced at her in the mirror and smiled. “Well, except for you, of course.”

“I’m flattered, sweetheart,” Leslie grinned up at him. “I’m just so glad that you got to see them again, and that you’re here with me now.”

Ben laughed and leaned against the sink, watching Leslie finish her bedtime routine. “I’m very happy we got together for dinner. Actually, no - scratch that. I’m very happy I came here this weekend. It’s been perfect and very helpful and was everything I thought it would be.”

Leslie stepped closer to him and kissed the tip of his scrunched up nose. “I told you I was happy that you’re here.”

“I’m lucky I have you,” Ben murmured, and Leslie’s heart wasn’t in her chest anymore. It was a puddle on the floor, completely melted. “ _So_ lucky.”

Leslie shook her head incredulously. God, she had missed him. She had missed the way they could be with each other so easily. She had missed being so in love with him that she couldn’t breathe.

She took Ben’s hand and guided him to the bed, gently shoving him down onto the sheets below him. She positioned herself on him, one leg at each side of his hips. His hands came up instinctively to caress her ass. He laid there, back to the mattress and lifted himself up on his elbows, staring at her with one eyebrow arched. 

“Leslie…” Ben breathed out, eyes widening in anticipation. “What are you doing?”

“Hold on tight,” Leslie said, a playful grin adorning her face, and Ben did as she said. “I’m about to show you just how lucky you are.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains smut. You have been warned.

Ben was fairly sleepy as he looked around the terminal in Minnesota, scanning the airport for his sister. Stephanie had promised to pick him up, but she was nowhere to be found. Ben fished his phone out of his pocket and turned it back on to call her, but was distracted when he found a message from Leslie, sent two hours ago.

_From: Leslie_

_Thank you for such a perfect weekend. I hope you had a nice flight. I love you._

A smile tugged at his lips, and Ben didn't even try to bite it back. He felt filled to bursting with the kind of happiness he hadn't experienced in a very long time. He already missed Leslie – a weekend with her hadn't been even remotely enough – but he also felt an overwhelming sense of calm. It was as if these past few days had helped recharge his energy for whatever was going to happen next. There had been a weight lifted from his shoulders and he was ready to face the next big question buzzing in his head: what was he going to do with his life from now on?

It was difficult to find an answer when his skin was still vibrating with the traces of Leslie's touch, and his lips were tingling with the memory of their last kiss back at the airport in Pawnee. Leslie had hugged him like she didn't want to let him go, and that had been exactly what had given Ben the strength to pull away and get onto his plane – Leslie wanted him, and she would be waiting at the end of this road that Ben needed to navigate on his own.

The Sunday they had spent together had been magical. They had woken in each other's arms, and shared kisses that had turned into roaming hands, and heated panting breathing. They hadn't left the bed until well past noon, when Leslie insisted that she wanted to cook for him. They had missed breakfast altogether, and by now Ben was starving, and he eagerly followed Leslie to the kitchen. Leslie made brunch, far too much food for just two of them. Unfortunately, most of it was wasted when it went cold because they just couldn’t help themselves. Ben couldn't remember a more enjoyable meal.

Even though they made plans together next time Ben visited, or when Leslie came back to Partridge, their plans didn't extend past just talk. They didn't want to push for something more solid, because it would only taint all the progress they had made so far. But Ben could feel, just there under the surface, that future they wanted to promise to each other. They were so close to having it that they could taste it.

They had spent most of their last night together awake, making love, and holding each other afterward, enjoying the closeness of one another, stowing it away in their memory to help get them through until they were together again. They didn't have to talk about it, but they could see in each other's eyes how much it meant to share this.

Ben thumbed through his phone and pulled up one of the pictures they had taken together that weekend. His favorite had been taken at Ramsett Park during their walk on Saturday. Leslie was smiling, her nose scrunching up in the adorable way he loved so much and her cheek had been pressed against his. She looked happy and just as beautiful as she had always been.

“Hello? Earth to Ben?”

Ben jumped and almost dropped his phone, startled by Stephanie's sudden presence. He turned to his sister with a scowl and found her smiling brightly at him. “What the hell, Steph?”

“Hey, I've been trying to get your attention for two minutes,” Stephanie said, smirking. “It's not my fault you're cum dumb after a weekend with your long distance wife.”

Ben punched her in the arm. “Ouch! Damn, I always forget it's not wise to make fun of you since you’re stronger than you look,” Stephanie frowned as she rubbed her arm. Then she sighed. “Are you all ready to go?”

“Yeah, I'm ready,” Ben replied, smiling. He was happy to see his sister again, even if Stephanie was a jerk.

They waded through the crowds, edging toward Stephanie's car. It was hot outside. Partridge was in full summer already, while Pawnee still clung to spring's cool breezes. Ben peeled off his hoodie, as Stephanie maneuvered the car through city traffic.

“So…” Stephanie started, her eyes shifting from the car in front of them to her brother. “You look good. Happier.”

“Yeah, it was a good weekend,” Ben admitted, unable to hide his smile. He missed Leslie already. One weekend just didn’t seem enough.

“Good. Good, Ben. I'm glad,” Stephanie clasped his shoulder and squeezed it briefly. “How are you feeling?”

“A lot better,” Ben answered, relaxing against the seat. He was tired. He had caught some sleep on the plane, but clearly not enough. “We talked a lot, I met my old friends again, and I think we're past the worst now. Leslie was amazing, really. She… she really cares about me. We had a very honest conversation when I got there, and I feel like I'm ready to… to forgive myself.”

He glanced at his sister to gauge her reaction. Stephanie smiled proudly at him. “That's fantastic, Ben. God, you have no idea how relieved I am,” Stephanie laughed a little, shaking her head. “I wasn't sure what I was going to find when I came pick you up. But I'm so happy for you.”

“Thanks, Steph.”

Stephanie changed lanes and then drummed her fingers on the steering wheel as she waited for traffic to speed up again. “So… what are you going to do now? What's the plan?”

“Well…” Ben said, with a sigh. “I'll probably keep working at the school, if they keep me after the summer. I should probably get back to my apartment too.”

“No way,” Stephanie interrupted so firmly that Ben turned to her in surprise. “No. You have a family and we love having you with us. That place… Ben, that's not a home. And you spent some of the worst years of your life there. There's nothing good waiting for you back there.”

“I can't live with you forever, Steph. You and Jake have your own life. You've been amazing, but I'll have to go back to live on my own eventually.”

“Not yet,” Stephanie looked at her brother intently. “Please? Do it for me, Benji. Stay with us for a little longer. It's nice to have you so close after missing you for so long.”

Ben's heart warmed at that and he smiled at her, eyes prickling with potential tears. God, he was so lucky. “Okay. I'll stay for a little longer.”

“Great,” Stephanie visibly relaxed. “Wonderful! Then we'll talk about the details when we get home. Now, however, I want to hear all about your weekend.”

Ben closed his eyes for a moment, leaning his head back against the head rest, and allowed a little smile to form. He had been miserable for so long that he wasn't quite sure about what to do with all of this _joy_ bubbling inside of him.

\-----------------------------------

Leslie left the meeting room rubbing her temples and willing the impendent headache away. She walked straight to her office without looking at anyone and dropped down onto her chair with a huge sigh. Every now and then, she wondered what she had been thinking when she decided to join local government. Sure, it was her dream, but this… this was stressful.

Pawnee's anniversary was just around the corner, and there was a lot to plan, many decisions to make, and not enough time. Leslie could see many late nights at the office and many sleepless nights in her future.

She looked at the time and noticed her lunch time had come and gone. Her stomach grumbled in protest and she decided to take a moment to just breathe. There would be plenty of opportunities to allow the stress already gathering in her shoulders to grow heavier.

Leslie grabbed her wallet and her phone and slipped them into her waffle shaped purse. She went out into the rush of Pawnee and started walking aimlessly. The good thing about Pawnee was that, no matter where your feet took you, you always arrived somewhere. In this case, her feet took her to JJ’s.

She ordered her food and a cup of coffee and sat by the window. She took a sip from her drink, immediately feeling better as the hot liquid slid down her throat and the caffeine seemed to wake her brain. This was probably the fifth cup of coffee she had had today, but on days as difficult as this, she just needed the kick to keep going.

She checked her phone and found a much appreciated reason to smile.

_From: Ben_

_I work until three today. Call you when I get home? Love you._

Leslie hummed happily as she typed her response.

_To: Ben_

_Yes, please. Hearing your voice will make this day so much better. Love you too._

She put the phone down on the table and absently munched on her food. Since going back to Partridge, Ben had been in an excellent mood. He hadn't had a bad day since before his visit, and it gave Leslie so much hope that she could barely stop herself from dancing around her house every time she talked to him. Things were going so well, and she hoped they would soon be ready to take another step forward.

She still wasn't sure what that step was supposed to be, but she wanted to take it.

When she was done with her lunch, she checked her phone and noticed that she still had some time before she had to be back at the office, so she crossed the street towards the jewelry store and looked at the different items in the window for a moment. It was Ann’s birthday soon, and she wanted to get her something classy but not extravagant. Ann was a beautiful, tropical fish and deserved to look exactly as amazing as Leslie always thought she did. 

She walked inside and found a sales assistant who immediately presented a few options that fit what she was looking for. She finally decided on a white gold pair of leaf-shaped studs with a few simple diamonds, and some emeralds in the contours that would match her eyes beautifully.

Leslie was waiting while the employee put them in a box and wrapped them, looking at the different display cases and already thinking about work again, when something else caught her eye. She bit her lip, but said impulsively: “Could I take a look at this too?”

She felt a little breathless as the woman showed her the different wedding bands. Since she had realized she wanted to be married to Ben, the lack of a ring on his finger had made her uncomfortable. She wanted everyone to know that he was a married man, that he belonged to her in the only way he would ever belong to someone else. She knew Ben wasn't ready for it – but Leslie had been fantasizing about it for a while now.

She didn't want anything fancy. She didn't care about that – but it couldn't be something plain, either. There was nothing plain about them. Their history was full of twists and turns, and she wanted something that could represent that.

“This one,” she said suddenly, as her eyes widened and she felt as if she was about to choke, a lump forming in her throat. “I want this one.”

The ring was of white gold with an intricate vintage gold scroll that encircled it. It was unique, but remarkable, exactly like Ben. Leslie's hands shook as she took it from the clerk.

“Oh my god, it’s perfect...” Leslie said, her voice breaking. She rolled her eyes, and chuckled apologetically. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so emotional.”

“It's alright,” she assured with a smile. “Would you like an engraving on it?”

Leslie was still looking at the ring, mesmerized. “Yes. I want it to say - ”

“Leslie?”

Leslie, surprised, turned to see who was calling her. She didn't expect to find Dave standing there, looking confused. “Oh. Dave. Hi.” They hadn't seen each other since they had parted ways in Partridge, and somehow they had both managed to avoid running into each other at work. This was the last place Leslie had expected to see him. “What are you doing here?”

“I'm looking for some new cufflinks for an event,” he answered, coming towards her. He frowned when he saw what Leslie was looking at. “Is that…?”

God, talk about awkward. “It’s… it’s a wedding ring.”

She saw Dave visibly swallow and nod jerkily. “You're going to marry him, then.”

“I never divorced him,” Leslie replied softly. “I'm sorry, Dave, you know I - ”

“No, no, it's fine,” Dave interrupted quickly. “I always knew things would end like this. I just hope you never have to regret your decision.”

Even though the words were brusque, Leslie knew they came from a place of caring but also the hurt that she had caused him, and she bit her tongue to stop herself from saying something harsh back to him. “We're doing great. He's a lot better now. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Good,” Dave muttered half-heartedly. He looked a little desperate, as he took a step closer to Leslie. “But you know that if you ever change your mind, Leslie…”

Leslie put a hand on his arm, just as much to stop him from coming closer as to comfort him. “Dave, I think it's safe to say I won't ever change my mind,” She turned to the sales assistant, who seemed terribly uncomfortable. “I want the rings to say I like you and I love you, please.”

“Leslie…” Dave said sadly. “He's an addict and his life is a mess… what kind of life do you think you can have with him?”

Leslie was angry now. She would never allow anyone to talk about Ben like that, or to doubt what they had. She leaned closer to him, and Dave stepped back when he saw how menacing she looked. “The happiest.”

Dave nodded dejectedly and opened his mouth to say something, but seemed to think again and stopped. He simply turned on his heels and left the store without another word.

There was nothing left to say.

Ben was hers.

Dave was not.

And all she could picture was that ring on Ben’s finger.

\-----------------------------------

Leslie looked up from her notes and watched the increasingly annoyed faces of her team. She glanced at her watch and realized it was past dinner time, and though she usually hated keeping them at the office so late, especially on a Friday night, they were tight on time and there was no way they were missing their deadline. She tried to find the bright side to this situation, though – if they got enough done today, they wouldn't have to spend their weekend working as well.

And then she remembered her Skype date with Ben was in only five minutes. She had completely forgotten about texting Ben to inform him that she wouldn't be able to make it on time.

“Shit,” she whispered and then cleared her throat when several people turned to look at her. “Okay, everyone. What do you say if we take a little break, get some food and come back? I know you all had more interesting things to do with your Friday night, but if we focus, you won't have to miss your Saturday too.” Some groaned, others nodded eagerly. “Alright. Be back in half an hour!”

They left the room quickly, and Leslie finished scribbling something down in her notes, before she walked down the hall towards her office. Most of the other offices were dark and closed for the day, and she massaged her neck while she thought about her inviting bed, too far away after such a long day. Leslie sat at her desk and brought her computer back to life. She hoped Ben wouldn't be mad at her for having to cut their date short, but she still wanted to see him at least for a few minutes.

Ben was already online when Leslie signed into Skype, and she immediately made the call. It only took Ben a couple of seconds to accept. When Ben's face appeared on the screen, wide smile as beautiful to her as ever, Leslie felt all the tension vanish from her shoulders.

“Hi!” Ben waved at the screen, his smile so large that it made his eyes crinkle at the corners.

“Hi sweetheart,” Leslie said with a happy sigh. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Ben replied, then frowned. “Where are you? That doesn't look like your house.”

“Oh, I'm still at the office,” Leslie answered, not really caring about how much she missed her bed anymore. “We're working late again.”

“Again?” Ben retorted severely. “Leslie, you've been working late for two weeks. You must be exhausted.”

“It's just until we're done with this project,” Leslie hurried to say, because she knew Ben worried about her overworking. “I'm sleeping enough and eating when I need to. I promise I'm not going to kill myself. I just told my team to take a break so they can get some food and I can talk to you. I'm sorry, by the way. I thought I'd be out of here earlier and make it home in time for our date.”

“It's alright. How long do we have?”

“Half an hour,” Leslie replied sadly, because it wasn't nearly enough. Their Skype dates usually lasted a couple of hours. They had dinner together, and sometimes even watched a movie. “Did you work today?”

“Yeah, I’ve been teaching a lot of kids during this summer school math program,” Ben explained, but he seemed distracted.

It was Leslie’s turn to frown, suddenly concerned that something went wrong. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I just…” Ben cleared his throat and fidgeted a bit. “I just really miss you.”

His tone of voice conveyed what his words didn't. Leslie bit her lip. “I miss you too. I'm sorry. Maybe we can have some alone time this weekend?”

“No, I'm not going to find alone time for a few days. Stephanie has some work to do and Jake promised the girls they could build a fort and watch movies,” Ben sighed in frustration. “It's fine, though. I'll, uh, I'll find a distraction.”

Leslie's eyes widened as she stared at him, mouth going dry. “Does that mean, um, that you're…?”

Ben pinched the bridge of his nose and smiled bashfully. “Quite. I've been thinking about you all day. I was really looking forward to this date. But, uh, what time will you be home? Maybe we can talk again later? I'll have the house to myself for at least another hour.”

“I won't make it on time,” Leslie whined. God, why was the universe conspiring against Leslie seeing this man come undone on a computer screen? Wasn't it enough that she couldn't touch him herself?

“Oh,” Ben tried to hide his disappointment, but when he licked his lips, Leslie lost all control.

She grabbed the remote that lowered the blinds, completely hiding her office from the rest of the building, and began to unbutton her blouse. Ben's eyes were wide and shocked as he watched her.

Ben was breathless, anticipation building. “What are you doing?” 

“We don't have much time,” Leslie replied. She pushed her desk chair a little to fit better in the webcam. “God, I can't believe I'm about to do this in my office, but it's unfair that we can't spend enough time touching each other. I've lost count of how many times I've played with myself at night, remembering everything we did that weekend.”

“Leslie,” Ben whimpered, and Leslie saw his hand move downwards and she was sure Ben was palming himself over his pants.

“Let me see you. Please, Ben, I need to see you,” Leslie pleaded as she pulled down her zipper, her hand dipping below her panties.

The image became blurry as Ben maneuvered the computer, putting it on the bed between his legs, giving Leslie the perfect view of the erection tenting his pants. Leslie swallowed with difficulty and circled her clit with her finger, feeling absolutely sinful. She had never done something like this. She and Ben had been fooling around on Skype during the months that they had been apart, but she had never tried doing it outside of the comfort and privacy of her own home. She knew most of the people on her team had gone out for food and wouldn't return for a few more minutes, but still… the chance of someone walking in on her existed and it both scared her and thrilled her at the same time.

“Oh fuck, look at you,” Ben moaned, lowering the waistband of his pants to reach his erection. His pupils were dilated as he watched how Leslie started fingering herself in times with his own strokes.

Leslie groaned, tension already building quickly at the sight of Ben. “Take your clothes off. I want to see all of you.”

Ben rushed to comply, slightly disjointed because he was trying not to disturb the computer, but he still ended kicking it accidentally. Leslie chuckled and lifted her fingers in pause, to keep herself in control for a little longer.

“Can you… can you take off your shirt?” Ben asked, biting his lip and running a slow, teasing finger down his shaft.

Leslie didn't know how to say no to him in moments like this, so she did as Ben said. As soon as her chest was on display, Ben let out another little moan. “That hickey you left on my thigh is gone now. I'm going need you to make a new one.”

Ben smiled at her way too cheerfully for someone who was jerking off so frantically. “It'd be my honor.”

“Dork,” Leslie said, going for teasing but ending in more of a grunt when she twisted her finger on an upstroke of her clit.

“I had plans for tonight, you know. I wanted to take my time with you, watch you come undone more than once.”

Leslie whined. “Fuck. We don't have enough time for that but… I'm so close, Ben.”

Ben spread his legs a little bit more and started stroking his balls along with his cock with his long fingers. Leslie thought she might just have a heart attack as she watched. “Just like this, Leslie? Is this what you miss? I just miss being inside of you so much.”

Leslie released a high pitched moan and hoped no one had returned yet, because it was far from quiet. “Yes. Yes, just like that, sweetheart. Let me see.”

Watching Ben jerk himself off without being able to touch him or kiss him was maddening. Leslie was so turned on that she could barely stand it, and she picked up her pace, quickly and unforgivingly, a lot more roughly than she was used to. She was so close to the edge that her body was already tightening and filling with warmth. Ben's body moved desperately as his whole hand wrapped around his cock, and his strokes became faster with each passing second, eliciting a long, wanton moan when he brushed against his tip.

Ben bit his lip and stared at the screen with wide, lust-filled eyes as he pressed on, breathing out _Leslie_ in such an urgent voice, so full of desire and longing, that Leslie gasped and came, her exposed chest moving up and down with the force or her orgasm, arching off the chair and curling her toes inside her heels.

When she managed to focus her eyes back on the screen, Ben was very close to losing control, panting and rolling his body to meet every stroke. Leslie could see the raw need in his eyes, how he was just one little touch away from his own orgasm.

“Come on, Ben,” she encouraged. “God, you're killing me. I wish I could be right there with you, helping you, touching you,” Leslie couldn't tear her eyes away from him. It was a sight she would never forget, one that would always feed her fantasies and her lonely nights. “That's it… my amazing husband.”

Ben came with a sudden cry, hips shooting off the bed as his cock jerked, spilling come all over his chest and stomach. His orgasm seemed to last a very long time, and Leslie watched in awe as Ben shook and moaned, still working himself with both hands, until he was too sensitive to touch himself anymore.

Leslie dressed herself again immediately, wanting to put come clothes on so that no one would happen to walk in and potentially see her so exposed, because that would have been difficult to explain. He carefully removed his hand and used his shirt to clean up, earning a reprimanding look from Leslie.

“I'll wash it later,” Ben promised in a low voice. He pulled the computer closer and laid down next to it, looking Leslie over. “That was amazing.”

“It really was,” Leslie agreed with a hum, as she fixed her clothes, straightening them back into place. “I'm sorry we had to hurry though. Shit, I can't believe I had Skype sex in my office.”

Ben laughed, a playful twinkle in his eye. “Yeah, probably not the smartest idea, but you can't deny it was hot,” Ben sighed and looked down for a moment, causing his thick eyelashes to paint shadows on his cheekbones. “I hope you won't get into trouble. I just really miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Leslie said, running her finger down the screen, wishing it was his warm skin instead. “And I won't get into trouble. Being a City Councilwoman has some perks,” She looked at the time and realized she was five minutes late. “I should probably get back to the meeting though. Can I call you tomorrow?”

“Of course. Don't work too late, okay? And get some dinner.”

“I will. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Ben blew her a kiss before disconnecting the call, and Leslie allowed herself a minute to will her heart back into its normal speed, before she went to rejoin her staff.

She worked for the next few hours with the biggest smile on her face, and if anyone noticed it, they didn't mention it, but deep down inside, something tugged at her.

She wasn't sure how much longer she would be able to bear the distance.


	16. Chapter 16

Leslie drummed her fingers on the steering wheel anxiously, before changing lanes. She had the windows rolled all the way up and the air conditioning high to shelter her from the suffocating Minnesota summer. It was almost September and Partridge was buzzing with the last few tourists of the season, as well as its residents.

It had been two months since Ben had visited her in Pawnee, and they hadn't been able to see each other again. Completely fed up with the distance, Leslie announced that she was taking two weeks off from work, with the intention of flying to Partridge and spending as much time as she could with Ben. As soon as he had heard about Leslie's plans, he smiled so brightly that Leslie forgot about how much of a mess the department would be once she came back. She didn't care if she had to sleep at City Hall for a month after this just to get everything done. She just wanted to see Ben, to be with him, without a computer screen between them.

She was biting her lip impatiently by the time she turned the rental car onto Stephanie's street. She had to stop herself from pressing down the gas pedal to get there sooner. It would be quite inconvenient to get in a car accident when she was just minutes away from holding Ben in her arms again.

As soon as she pulled up to the driveway, behind Stephanie's blue car and Jake's red one, the front door was thrown open, and Ben stepped outside, as if he had been waiting by the door for her. Leslie smiled brightly as she watched him, how his hands were shaking slightly with badly contained excitement and how his lips couldn't stretch another inch, he was smiling so widely. Leslie didn’t care that her parking job was atrocious. She simply turned the engine off and got out, immediately rushing towards Ben's open arms.

Ben was laughing happily, as he wrapped his arms around Leslie's neck to pull her close. Leslie's arms wound around Ben's waist, and the warmth of his body and scent of his skin seemed surreal. They were together again.

God, it felt so good. So right.

Leslie, unable to help herself, started peppering quick little kisses on every inch of Ben she could reach, which in such tight embrace, was limited to his face and neck. Ben laughed ever louder, though, so Leslie was sure he didn't care.

“Hi,” Leslie murmured at last, as Ben's eyes swept over her eagerly.

“Hi,” Ben replied. “Had a nice flight?”

“Perfect,” Leslie said, even though it had been the exact opposite, with crying babies and annoying passengers in the seats around hers. But she didn't care. She couldn't even think about that now. “Are you ready?”

“I am, but I'm afraid there's a change of plans,” Ben sighed and rolled his eyes. 

Leslie frowned. The idea was that she would pick up Ben and they would spend the following weeks in a beautiful house at the beach in Duluth, off the coast of Lake Superior that Leslie had rented, not wanting to stay in a hotel again. “What happened?”

“Nothing bad, don't worry,” Ben quickly assured her. “It's just that Jake and Stephanie were kind of hoping you would like to stay for dinner? But we can say no if you had other plans - “

“Well, my plans included getting you into bed as soon as humanly possible, but I guess I can wait,” Leslie said, feigning disdain. She squeezed Ben's waist in reassurance nevertheless. “I would love to have dinner with your family.”

“Alright. Let's go inside before Stephanie comes get us,” Ben said, and took Leslie's hand to guide her into the house.

Even though they Skyped and talked on the phone often, Leslie was taken aback by how different Ben seemed, and in a good way. He carried himself differently, far from the man who had been so hesitant and wounded the last time they had been together, struggling to let go of his pain. The distance hadn't been easy on either of them, but Leslie knew now that it had been exactly what they needed. If they had rushed into a relationship again without allowing Ben's wounds to heal, things would have only ended in disaster.

They welcomed Leslie warmly. It felt strange to get a hug from Stephanie when the last time they had talked, she had all but tossed Leslie out the door. But everything had changed since then. Stephanie welcomed the woman who had made her brother so happy, and she felt like she was floating in the clouds.

Lily, always the shy one, stayed behind her mother's legs, but Violet greeted Leslie without missing a beat.

“I like your clothes. They are really pretty,” she complimented.

Leslie smiled down at her. “Thank you, cutie pie. I like your dress too.”

“Uncle Ben got it for me!” She answered proudly, and then pointed at her sister. “And he bought Lily's too! Show him, silly.”

Lily mumbled under her breath and hid even further behind her mother. Jake interrupted before the twins could begin bickering and asked them to go pick up their toys and wash their hands for dinner, herding them into the living room to help them clean up. Stephanie stayed behind, beaming at Leslie and Ben broadly. Maybe a little too broadly.

Ben narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “What, Stephanie?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest without losing her grin. “I'm just happy for my brother, that's all.”

“Stephanie, stop embarrassing them and set the table!” Jake said from the living room, as Stephanie's smile turned to a frown.

Leslie laughed at her, but wasn't sad to see her go into the kitchen. She just really wanted a minute to breathe Ben in and revel in the feeling of having him so close again.

Ben seemed to have the same idea, because as soon as they were alone, he planted a sweet kiss on Leslie's lips. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, sweetheart,” Leslie said. “I'm so excited about spending the next two weeks with you!”

“Me too. I managed to get a substitute for some of my classes, so I'll only work three or four days, and just for a couple of hours,” Ben explained, sighing in contentment. “I'm all yours.”

“Yes, you are,” Leslie whispered with the happiest smile, as she leaned in for another kiss.

Dinner was lovely, especially once the girls warmed up to Leslie. Stephanie and Ben had very funny stories about work, and Jake was very pleasant to chat with, so Leslie never felt uncomfortable. Even though she had craved to be alone with Ben since she had got on the plane back in Pawnee, Leslie was glad they had stayed for dinner. It was nice connecting with Stephanie after so many years, and truly getting to know Ben's family. _Her_ family.

Lily, surprisingly, was particularly enchanted with Leslie. As soon as she had complimented the way she organized her vegetables by color before eating them, the girl had given her the most honest, delighted smile.

Violet and Lily were important to Ben and had been crucial in his recovery, so Leslie was determined to spend time with the twins and get to know them. She could see how Ben's eyes lit up every time he looked at them or talked to them, and she desperately wanted the girls to like her too.

She leaned into Ben's side and whispered in his ear for only him to hear. “What do you say if we take the girls somewhere while I'm here? Do you think Stephanie and Jake will let us?”

“You really want that?” Ben asked, his eyes wide and touched, and Leslie knew she had made the right decision.

“Of course. They're adorable,” Leslie said, nudging him with her shoulder.

“Um,” Ben looked up and Stephanie stopped talking to look at her brother. “Leslie and I were wondering if we can take the girls out sometime this week. If they want to.”

Lily and Violet immediately squealed in excitement. “Yes! Can we, Mommy? Please, please, please!”

Jake laughed. “Sure. But you have to behave for your aunt and uncle.”

Leslie startled at that, suddenly overwhelmed. She wondered if this was how Ben had felt when she had told him that he was Oliver's uncle too. She felt like she belonged, like she had passed some kind of test. She felt amazing.

Ben squeezed her hand under the table, as the twins started talking about all the places they wanted to go to. Lily unexpectedly climbed onto Leslie's lap with a shy look on her face, as if not sure if this was okay or not. Leslie smiled encouragingly at her, as she wrapped her free arm around her to support her.

“Will you help me pick out an outfit to wear, Aunt Leslie?” She asked, biting her lip.

“Yes, sweetie. Of course I will,” she said, dropping a kiss on her soft hair.

Ben had never looked as in love with her as he did right then.

They were having coffee in the living room when the girls fell asleep on Ben and Jake, so they took that as their cue to leave. Ben helped Jake put the twins to bed and said he would get his bag for him, leaving Stephanie and Leslie alone.

Leslie waited until she couldn't hear Ben and then turned to Stephanie. “I… I have to thank you, Stephanie. I know I wasn't very pleasant last time I saw you, but… you have done so many good things for Ben, and I - ”

“Hey,” Stephanie interrupted, leaning closer to her, with an easy smile. “You don't need to thank me. He's my brother.”

“I know. But you have been essential to him in these past few months, and I wouldn't have him back if it weren't for you,” Leslie insisted. “I know I have to gain your trust back, but I want you to know… I really love him. I always did. I don't know how not to love him. I was just… stupid, back then.”

“Leslie, come on,” Stephanie replied. She gave her a pat on the back. “You two are fixing things up because you're meant to be. And I'm glad I get to be here for him, but he's done most of the healing on his own. He's amazing like that.”

“He is,” Leslie agreed with a loving smile. “He really is.”

“Just a heads up, though…” Stephanie glanced at the stairs quickly to make sure they were still alone, and lowered her voice. “I'm happy for you two, but if you hurt him again, I'll make you pay.”

Leslie's eyes went wide as she choked on air, completely taken by surprise and sputtered her next words out nervously. “I… I… Stephanie, I wouldn't, I swear I - ”

Stephanie barked out a laugh, practically bending in half with the force of it. “Oh man, you should have seen your face!”

Leslie forced her heart to beat at normal speed again and glared at Stephanie. “You’re my sister too now, but I hate you.”

Ben and Jake returned then, Ben with a large duffel bag hanging from his shoulder and his computer tucked under one arm. With just one look at Leslie's pale face and Stephanie, who was shaking with silent laughter, he knew something was up.

“What did you do, Stephanie?” He asked, but didn't give his sister enough time to answer. “Whatever she said, ignore her, Leslie. She's a jerk.”

“Oh, I know,” Leslie sniffed, lifting her head, pretending to be offended.

Stephanie clasped a hand on her shoulder. “I think I'll just let you two go. Take care of my brother, will you?”

“Stephanie, please,” Ben rolled his eyes. “I'll see you on Monday at school.”

“Still,” she pulled Ben into a quick hug, while Jake looked at them with a soft smile. “Have fun, guys.”

They said their goodbyes and got into Leslie's rental car. They were silent for a little while as Leslie drove, holding hands and enjoying being together without the need for words. Every time she stopped at a red light and glanced over at Ben, Leslie found him looking right back at her with a soft, content smile on his face. Leslie hadn't felt this elated and satisfied with her life in a very long time.

The house Leslie had rented was right on the beach. It was a low construction with huge windows, very luminous and contemporaneous. She was a little tired because of her flight, so she didn't feel like taking a tour. She found her way to the master bedroom, her suitcase trailing behind her, and sighed when she found the king size bed.

Ben looked around curiously before following her, leaning against the doorway to watch her peel her clothes off. “I can't tell if you're tired or desperate to get me naked.”

“Why does it have to be only one of the two?” Leslie teased, arching an eyebrow. “I'm an ambitious woman. I want it all.”

Ben chuckled and came into the room. He put his bag down on the floor by the dresser and then wrapped his arms around Leslie, placing a little kiss to the curve of her naked shoulder, immediately sending shivers down her spine. “Thank you for having dinner with my family tonight. I know Stephanie can be… well, my sister,” He rolled his eyes, but Leslie understood perfectly.

“It was great. I really wanted to get to know the girls and Jake,” Leslie said as she ran her hands down Ben's back, eager to take some clothes off him and feel him, _really_ feel him. “I know how important your nieces are to you.”

“Our nieces,” Ben corrected, not without sounding a bit emotional.

Leslie smiled against his temple before pressing a kiss to that very spot. “Our nieces. Our family.”

“Yeah,” Ben nodded, tightening his grip on Leslie. “Yeah, I love that.”

“I love you,” Leslie said, earning a bright smile from Ben.

“I love you more.”

Leslie playfully patted his butt. “Not possible. You don't get to win at this.”

Ben chuckled. “Is that a challenge?”

“What if it is?” Leslie asked, pushing her hand under Ben's shirt.

Ben hummed thoughtfully. “Then I'm afraid I'll have to show you.”

As Ben pushed her down and pressed her into the mattress, kissing her breathless, Leslie realized she wasn't so tired anymore.

The bedroom had a large window overlooking the beach, and the morning sunlight poured onto the bed like an extra blanket. Leslie awoke, scrunching her face and turning her back to shelter her eyes from the light, but then found Ben, wide awake and staring at her in utter awe, his eyes shining brighter than the sun.

“Mm, morning,” Leslie mumbled sleepily, shifting closer, pressing a hand on Ben's naked chest and placing a little kiss on his collarbone.

Ben buried his fingers in Leslie's hair and massaged her scalp lightly. “Good morning.”

“How long have you been awake?” Leslie asked, stopping mid-question to yawn.

“About an hour, I guess,” Ben shrugged slightly and wrapped his arm around Leslie's waist to pull her closer, causing goose bumps to rise on her skin as their bodies glued together, no layer between them. “You looked like you needed some sleep though, so I didn't want to wake you.”

“So you just stared at me like a creep for an hour?” Leslie muttered, lazily tracing her fingertips down Ben's body, pausing to press against his sharp hipbone.

Ben let out a little chuckle. “Maybe.”

Leslie rolled her eyes and pulled away to stretch, arching her back and reaching her arms towards the headboard, not missing the way Ben's gaze travelled over her body hungrily. One heated sex session wasn't enough to put out the fire after being apart for too long. They needed to make up for all those mornings they had woken up alone, all those nights they had slipped into bed without a warm embrace to melt into.

“Do we have any plans today?” Leslie asked as Ben licked his lips in obvious anticipation.

“I don't know about plans, but I certainly have expectations,” he answered, as he moved to hover over Leslie.

“Oh yeah?” Leslie teased, grinning up at him. “What kind of expectations?”

“The naked kind,” Ben said, as he curled his fingers around Leslie's breast and kneaded it once, twice, than another time, causing Leslie to gasp.

“Sounds interesting,” Leslie murmured, shifting her hips to push herself up and into Ben's grip, hoping he'd take the hint and swipe a finger over her nipple. He did. “Tell me more.”

“Looks like someone suddenly appreciates dirty talking after all that Skype sex,” Ben said with a low, sensual chuckle.

“Darling, stop mocking me and make me come,” Leslie growled, grabbing a fistful of Ben's hair and pulling him into a deep kiss.

Ben didn't need to be told twice. He stopped teasing and looked straight into Leslie's eyes as he began stroking her just the way she wanted it, needed it. His pace began to pick up, harder, faster, stronger. Leslie arched into his hand, and every time Ben's thumb pressed into her clit, she thought that this might be the one where she loses it. Leslie moaned and reached for Ben's cock, so hard and gorgeous against her skin, matching Ben's rhythm. They whimpered into each other's mouth, smiles pulling at their lips because they were finally doing this together, touching and feeling without having to long for it, watching each other through a web cam.

Leslie came first, with a keening sound escaping from deep within her, shaking through her orgasm. Ben followed soon after, reaching his own release just by watching Leslie come apart under him, beautiful and carefree.

Gasping as she recovered, Leslie stared at Ben as he shifted down her body, plump lips trailing down her neck and chest, drawing his finger into his mouth, cleaning himself of her and tasting the last remnants of her on his tongue. Leslie moaned and winced when her body made a valiant attempt at getting aroused again so soon, loving how passionate and how eager Ben was, had always been.

She cupped Ben's face in her hand and brought him back up, and they both got lost in a long, languid kiss. They had nowhere to be but in each other's arms, and the hours of the day stretched before them with nothing but promises of more kisses and more wandering hands and mouths.

They had two weeks to be together. Every single second counted.

Leslie wrapped a fluffy white towel around herself and stepped out of the shower. The water pressure was heavenly, a hundred times better than her house in Pawnee. She had taken her time, washing her hair, lathering her body and letting the strong spray work the knots in her back and neck, the ones she had been carrying with her for weeks now, stressed from work and missing Ben. Before getting out of bed, Ben had kissed her lazily for a moment, and then told her he would get breakfast started while Leslie took a shower. Not wanting to keep him waiting any longer, Leslie went into the bedroom, rummaged through her suitcase, and slipped into her clothes.

She hadn't really gotten acquainted with the house the previous night, but she followed the smell of food and found the kitchen. The house really was beautiful, and she could see the ocean from every window she walked by. The living room was the most luminous space in the entire house, with a huge French door that went out into a wooden deck overlooking the beach. And right there, sitting at a small table meant for two, was Ben, typing on his laptop while the sea breeze messed his untamed hair.

Leslie walked towards the open door and leaned against the frame, smiling softly at the view. Ben was focused, staring at a document he had opened, rereading the last few lines. He made a few changes and started a new sentence before noticing Leslie was standing behind him.

“Oh, hey,” he smiled brightly, as if seeing Leslie made him so happy that he could barely hold his bliss inside. “I'm keeping breakfast warm in the kitchen. Do you want to have it here or inside?”

Leslie looked around. It was late morning and the sun was high up in the sky already. It was a nice late summer day and she felt like soaking up some actual nature. “Let's have it here. I'll go get it.”

“I'll help you,” Ben said. He saved the changes to his document and closed the computer, leaving it on a side table once they went back into the living room.

He had made coffee and waffles, and Leslie was glad he had asked the house's owner to leave the kitchen ready for her with a least a few essentials. They carried everything outside and sat facing the shore. Leslie served Ben some waffles on a plate, while Ben poured some coffee for the both of them, and this, god, this was exactly what Leslie wanted; these perfect mornings that were exclusively for each other and the rest of the world seemed to vanish, completely unimportant.

“So,” Leslie started after taking a sip of her coffee. “How's the writing going?”

Ben hummed thoughtfully, sitting back on his chair and chewing as he looked at the ocean for a moment. “Okay, I guess. I mean, I'm no genius, but I could be decent at it.”

“You were always amazing with words. Give yourself a little credit,” Leslie nudged him with her foot under the table. “Do I get to read it?”

Ben tilted his head to the side as he considered the question. “Not yet. Maybe when it's finished.”

“You never even told me what it is about,” Leslie pointed out, unable to stop her curiosity.

“You,” Ben answered, surprising Leslie. “Me. Us. I just had so much bottled up inside about these past few years… at first, I started writing down memories because it seemed therapeutic, in a way? But then I felt like it was a story I needed to tell, even if no one else will ever read it.”

“You don't know that,” Leslie replied with a small smile. “Maybe you'll become a famous author.”

Ben snorted. “I don't think so. But we'll see. I'm enjoying working with Stephanie, for now. I just want to make sure I have other options.”

Leslie leaned across the table and grabbed the hand Ben didn't have wrapped around his coffee cup. “Hey. Have some confidence in yourself. You've always been talented. Maybe this is something new, but it doesn't mean you can't be amazing at it. If you want to be a writer, then be a writer. I know you can do it. And you'll always have at least one devoted reader.”

Ben smiled warmly at her. “Did I tell you I love you today?”

Leslie grinned back at him. “Not yet.”

“I love you,” Ben said softly. “More than I can ever say.”

“I love you too,” Leslie replied happily, and then pointed at Ben with her fork, narrowing her eyes slightly. “But you'd better turn me into the most attractive and enticing character ever, or I will take that back.”

The sound of the waves hitting the sand wasn't enough to bury Ben's beautiful laughter.

The next day, they received a call from Stephanie just as they were going back inside after spending some time out at the beach, swimming and tanning. Leslie went into the kitchen to grab some water while Ben accepted the call.

“For the love of God,” Stephanie said, forgoing any kind of greeting. “If you are not here tomorrow to pick up the girls and take them somewhere, I will kill you with my own bare hands.”

Ben blinked in surprise, not sure what was going on. “Why? What happened?”

“Ever since you two decided to casually mention you would take them out somewhere, they have been asking non stop when you and Leslie would be here to pick them up. Please stop having sex and come get my daughters,” Stephanie pleaded desperately.

Ben laughed and Leslie, who was walking back into the living room with a bottle of water in each hand, arched an eyebrow in question. “Hold on a sec, Steph,” he asked, before turning his attention back to Leslie. “The girls want to know when we will pick them up, and I'm pretty sure Stephanie is going to kill us if we don't do it soon.”

Leslie laughed and rolled her eyes. “We can do it tomorrow, if she and Jake are okay with it. Maybe we can pick them up in the morning? Around nine?”

Stephanie, who had evidently heard Leslie, sighed in relief. “Thank you! We'll have them ready for you.”

Ben spoke to his sister for just a few more minutes and then ended the call. Then he turned to Leslie, who was leaning against the back of the couch, watching him. “Where do you want to take them?”

Leslie smiled brightly and clapped her hands. “I have the perfect idea.”

Leslie and Ben arrived at Stephanie's house five minutes after nine, and the twins immediately clung to their legs as soon as they walked into the door.

“Where are we going? Tell us, tell us!” They chanted excitedly as Leslie and Ben laughed.

“You'll know soon enough,” Ben replied, winking at Leslie. “Are you guys ready?”

Stephanie and Jake got down to the girls' level and pulled them away from their aunt and uncle’s legs. “Violet, Lily… remember you two promised to be nice and behave. Stay with your aunt and uncle and don't give them any trouble. Alright?”

“We'll be good, I promise,” Violet said, nodding enthusiastically and already trying to disentangle herself from her parents so they could leave.

After getting a few recommendations from Jake about what the girls were allowed to eat and what to avoid, and Leslie reassuring Lily that the ribbon on her head matched perfectly with her dress, they were out the door. Stephanie and Ben had moved the booster seats to Leslie's rental car and they helped the twins adjust their safety belts. Then they were on the road, listening to the enthusiastic chatter coming from the back seat and fighting the traffic to get to their secret destination.

As soon as the girls realized that Leslie's idea had been to take them to an amusement park, there was no way to stop their high-pitched squeals. When they got them out of the car and in line to buy the tickets, Ben had to stay back with them and try to calm them, because they were about ready to sprint towards the entrance and disappear into the park. Leslie bought the tickets and then grabbed Lily's hand while Ben grabbed Violet's, and entered, amongst the other families with impatient children, couples, and teenagers.

Ben knelt in front of them to talk to them, and promised they would go everywhere they wanted to go.

“But you have to be patient, okay?” He said quietly, looking at both of them intently. “The park is very big, and it'll take a while to do everything you want to do. One thing at a time, alright?”

The twins nodded eagerly and then the four of them went onto the first ride. For the first few attractions, Leslie was nervous, and kept her eyes on the girls. What if she looked away for just a second and they disappeared? What if they fell and skinned their knees? What if they got scared during a ride? She wasn't used to being around kids their age. Oliver was easier, since he was still a baby.

They were waiting for their turn when Leslie felt Ben wrapping an arm around her waist and pulled her closer. 

“Hey,” Ben whispered in her ear. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes, of course,” Leslie answered, but her eyes were fixed on the girls, who were a few feet away, standing closer to the ride to watch. “Girls! Why don't you come here and wait with me and Uncle Ben? It's almost our turn anyway.”

“You're worried,” Ben insisted, squeezing her a little and kissing her cheek. “Nothing's going to happen, Leslie. They're just looking.”

“I just don't want them to get hurt. Jake and Stephanie would skin us alive - ”

“There's no point in doing this if you're not going to enjoy it,” Ben pointed out gently. “Just relax. They're good girls and won't get in trouble.”

Leslie paused and turned to look at Ben, letting a smile form on her lips. Ben seemed puzzled by Leslie's sudden change.

“What?”

“Nothing, just… a few months ago, you would have been the one freaking out, sure that the girls wouldn't be safe with you,” Leslie said, cupping Ben's cheek and resting their foreheads together for a moment. “And now you're so… comfortable, I guess. Calm.”

“I've lived with them for months and I spend time with them every day,” Ben explained, but he was glowing, like he was happy that Leslie could see the changes in him and approved of them. “I had plenty of chances to learn how to be with them again, how to be their uncle, how to take care of them.”

“I'm so proud of you,” Leslie muttered, leaning in for a kiss, overwhelmed by how much she loved this man, and how grateful she was that Ben was still able to love her back after everything they had been through.

Their lips had barely had the chance to touch when they heard a disgruntled protest. “Ugh! Uncle Ben! Aunt Leslie! Stop kissing!”

Leslie smirked and kneeled to kiss Violet instead, delighted when she started kicking her feet and squealing in pretended protest, while Lily giggled and threw her arms around Ben's leg.

They went on every ride the girls wanted to – at least the ones that were appropriate for their age – and took pictures of the twins at every interval. They called Jake while they were having lunch just to let her know they were doing alright, and afterwards went on even more rides. It was a perfect day and the girls were thrilled with every second.

The sun was coming down in the horizon by the time they finished walking around the park. They had visited the park's souvenir store and now the girls were clutching new dolls to their chests. Exhausted after so much walking and the day's excitement, they had asked to be carried, so now Lily was sound asleep against Leslie's shoulder, and Ben was holding Violet like a baby, and the little girl had buried her face in his chest. The sky had turned that golden-orange shade that announced the last few rays of sunlight, and they were slowly walking towards the parking lot, silent, but enveloped by the happy chatter of all the other people going in the same or opposite direction.

Leslie dropped a quick kiss on Lily's temple and glanced at Ben, feeling her heart beat faster as she did so. With Ben… there were so many dreams they had pushed away when they lost each other. Ben looked down at Violet and tucked her closer against him, smiling at his niece. The look of utter love in his face every time he was around the girls was more than enough to know how amazing Ben would be as a father someday.

But then Leslie realized… how were they going to have a family if they didn't even live in the same city? They lived in different states, different time zones. She had no idea how they would ever be able to make it work. Ben was fine in Partridge. He had his nieces near him, and that was good for him now, while he finished healing his old wounds. But Leslie's whole life was in Pawnee; her friends, her home, the job she had dedicated her life to. Even after a day like this, even after knowing they had a few more days together - not enough, never enough - Leslie couldn't push the doubts and the fears away. Because what if they couldn't make it work? What if, after all the effort and all the pain, they realized their paths didn't meet anymore? What if they had to give this up? What if they didn’t belong together anymore?

As they drove back to Stephanie's to get the girls back home, Ben held Leslie's hand over the center console. Maybe Leslie squeezed Ben's hand harder than necessary, clinging to him desperately, but if Ben noticed, he didn't say a word.

Leslie held on tightly and just hoped that Ben wouldn't slip through her fingers.


	17. Chapter 17

Ben opened the refrigerator door and peered inside. “Milk. Eggs. Um… carrots too.”

“Okay…” Leslie looked down at the grocery list she was writing and added those items. “What about chicken? Is there any left in the freezer?”

Ben checked the freezer as Leslie admired the way his ass looked in those green boxers when he leaned down. So very, _very_ enticing… “Nope. No more chicken.”

“We should get some. I was thinking about making that chicken you like so much,” Leslie commented as she checked once again that they weren’t forgetting anything.

Ben padded back towards her, bare feet against the cold kitchen floor. He wrapped an arm around Leslie’s waist without giving it a second thought and pressed his chest against her side as he glanced at the list Leslie had made. Their skin was warm and a little salty after spending a few hours at the beach that morning and Ben couldn’t help licking her shoulder a little, chasing the taste of the ocean on her body.

Leslie tried swatting him away. “We don’t have time for whatever you’re thinking. You have to teach in about an hour and we still need to go grocery shopping.”

“I could call in sick…” Ben murmured as his tongue slid from the curve of Leslie’s shoulder to her collarbone.

“Right. Because your sister won’t suspect a thing. Then we’ll have to deal with her teasing us because you missed work just to stay home and have sex,” Leslie rolled her arms, attempting to move away from Ben, but her breath still caught when he started sucking right where her collarbone met her neck – that mean jerk known as Ben Wyatt knew that was a very sensitive place for her. “Ben…”

“I hate having to go to work while you’re here,” Ben muttered softly, his focus almost completely on kissing Leslie. “I can work once you go back to Pawnee. I want to enjoy having you here while I can.”

Ben’s words sent a pang of sadness through Leslie’s heart – she’d soon have to leave him and she was absolutely dreading it - but it was quickly overrun by a shiver of pleasure, when Ben moved his focus to the spot behind Leslie’s ear. She thought of telling him that they could alternate spending one weekend a month visiting each other, but that wasn’t nearly enough for either of them anymore. She wanted to say that she was scared, that she was insecure, that she had no idea how they would make this work for much longer, when it was obvious they were having trouble with their in limbo, long distance… marriage? It had been perfect while Ben found his place back in his own life, but now…

Now it was nowhere near enough.

While Leslie’s brain short-circuited between misery and bliss, Ben dropped to his knees. “W - what are you doing?”

“Shh,” Ben smiled up at her, and then brushed his lips over one of Leslie’s sharp hipbones. “Just let me have this, alright?”

Leslie blinked, bewildered. “Do you honestly believe I would reject you going down on me? Don’t you have any idea how good your mouth feels when… oh. _Oh_.”

Ben was mouthing over her clit through her panties, while looking up at her through his luscious eyelashes. “You were saying?”

“Nothing. Nothing. Get on with it,” Leslie moaned, as she reached down to hook her thumbs on the elastic band of her underwear, eagerly tugging it down.

Ben hummed and licked his lips in anticipation. “Mm. Yes, Ms. Knope.”

Oh, he was _so_ not making it to work on time.

\--------------------------------------

There were many things Leslie Knope didn’t have a lot of time for when she was in Pawnee and completely lost in her work. Back in the city, it felt as if she always had to rush to cross one more thing off her to do list – a list that never seemed to reach an end, no matter how much she did. But here, in this beautiful house at the beach off the coast of Minnesota, where she could see the ocean through every window, everything felt different. Life moved at a different pace – one that allowed her to enjoy every waking second.

That’s why she found herself sitting on the couch in the living room, reading a book she had bought two years ago and had never had a chance to read before. There was a glass of lemonade on the table and at least another hour to kill before Ben came home. Thinking of Ben – thinking of Ben coming _home_ – thrilled her and made her smile. She had never thought it would be possible to be as in love as she had been three years ago, when she was still a wide-eyed, fresh faced government employee. She thought love was still beautiful, but quieter and dimmer in adulthood. But here she was - older, wiser and so in love with the same man she had been in love with years ago that she could barely breathe when she thought of him.

Her phone rang where it was resting on the coffee table next to her drink, and she grabbed it without even looking at who it might be, assuming it was Ben calling before going into the grocery store, checking in just in case Leslie had thought of something else they needed.

“You didn’t forget the grocery list, did you?” Leslie said in a way of greeting, smiling as she placed a bookmark in her book and closed it, placing it gently on her lap.

“Well, well, well, aren’t you two all domestic already…”

Grant Larson’s voice was the last thing she had expected to hear when she was here in Minnesota – after all, she had left explicit instructions at the office to not contact her unless there was an emergency. Had April failed to pass the message on? Knowing April, it was likely she had blatantly ignored her order and sent Grant right to her instead.

“Grant?”

He must have sensed her worry, because his laughter filled the line and Leslie clutched her chest in anticipation. “Oh, Leslie. Relax. This isn’t an emergency,” Leslie allowed herself to breathe out and Grant laughed again. “This is just a social call. How are you doing? Am I interrupting something?”

Leslie ignored the teasing tone of his voice. Grant knew about Ben of course, but not everything. They had kept in touch over the years, as Leslie had always eyed the job that Grant could help her get. He had become somewhat of a mentor to her, someone whose brain she could pick when she wanted to know more and more about what it might be like to someday work in higher government. They were friends, close friends even, but she knew that he was grooming her for something much bigger than Deputy Director of the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department.

“Not at all. Ben’s at work, actually. And I’m doing great, thank you very much. Just enjoying my time here while I can.”

“How are you two doing?”

She leaned back on the couch in thought. “We’re okay. The improvements are major and very evident, if you were familiar with how things were a few months ago. He seems happy, I’m most certainly happy, and we’re just… trying to figure out how to go on, I guess.”

“Is he planning on moving to Pawnee with you?”

Leslie bit her lip. God, thinking about the future was terrifying right now. “No. I don’t know. We haven’t talked about that yet, but… if I have to be honest, I don’t think Pawnee would be good for him. He had a nice time when he visited, but… I really don’t think it would be the right place for him. Too many memories and history.”

“Yeah, I admit a lot has transpired between you both there… So you two are going to keep living in different states?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know much about what’s going to happen, but I want to do whatever’s best for him and for us. And I think he really needs to stay here in Partridge, at least for a while longer. He has his family here, and his nieces are the light of his life. Nothing’s more effective to get him out of a funk than spending time with them. I can’t ask him to give that up and go back to Pawnee with me.” Leslie rubbed her temples. She knew talking about it would be good for her, but ignoring all of this had actually made everything easier. But she and Ben had learned the hard way that not talking about things could destroy everything.

“Have you thought of moving to D.C.?” Grant asked, making Leslie’s eyebrows shoot into her hairline.

“What, are you thinking of offering me a job?” Leslie was half joking, at least, but she wouldn’t put it past Grant. “I’m not sure. I really want to be with him, and I love it here, but D.C.? I’d have to leave him here in Minnesota, and move to D.C. and work there, and that means _more_ long distance and I just don’t know if we can do it.”

“Well… what if you didn’t have to?” Grant said in a quiet, tentative voice.

Leslie didn’t say anything for a few seconds, wondering if she had heard correctly. Grant couldn’t possibly be insinuating - “What do you mean?”

“Look, Leslie. We’ve known each other for a very long time, we’re friends. You’re one of the most talented people I’ve ever met and I think you deserve amazing things. You’d certainly be an asset in D.C. But, it doesn’t have to be _totally_ in D.C. There are Department of Interior offices everywhere, so realistically, you could work in any state you’d like. Or, you could move to D.C. and bring Ben with you. He could work for the non-profit teaching initiative we started up, and there’s obviously a ton of publishers who work here. You have options, Leslie. Plenty of them.”

“Wait a second… _are_ you offering me a job?” 

“Oh, absolutely,” Grant said, and she could tell he was smiling, pleased with his suggestions. “I was waiting for the day an opportunity would come up and now it has. Our old regional director for the Department of Interior is retiring. The position will be open in about a month, and it’s yours for the taking, if you want it.”

All the air in her lungs decided to evacuate immediately without even giving her a warning. She gaped like a fish out of the water, while trying to come up with something to say, to the point where Grant had to check if she was still there.

“Are you serious? You aren’t just pulling my leg, are you? Because if you are, it’s just cruel - ” 

Grant laughed. “I’m very serious. I want you to take this opportunity if you think it’s the right thing for you and Ben.”

Leslie didn’t know what to say. All the anguish she had felt and tried to hide since arriving in Minnesota again, knowing she would have to leave again eventually, seemed to vanish and disappear magically. This was a chance she needed – a dream opportunity to have everything she had ever wanted.

And yet… she still had doubts. Because what if she accepted the position and Ben wasn’t ready to uproot his life? What if they weren’t ready to take that step and be together full time again? Leslie was more than ready to wrap herself around Ben and never let go, but she wasn’t sure if it was what Ben needed. And fuck, she was done making mistakes. She was done with taking a step forward only to take ten back.

“Grant, I… it would be a dream come true,” Leslie whispered, still shocked, but knowing she had to be smart. “And I would say yes in a heartbeat, but… can I talk to Ben about it first?”

“Well, that’s exactly what married couples do,” Grant replied, half teasingly, half gently. “You have a couple of weeks before you really have to make a decision. Let me know what you decide, okay? No pressure.”

Leslie thanked him profusely, and then they chatted for a few more minutes, but Leslie’s mind was elsewhere. The future had seemed such a faraway concept, but now it was finally catching up with them, and they would need to make decisions that maybe they wouldn’t like – Leslie knew that, professionally, this was the perfect opportunity for her and she really wanted the position; but she would need to let it go if it wasn’t the best for his relationship with Ben – and though she was more than happy with her work in Pawnee, now that she had this option… god, she _craved_ it.

But what she craved even more was a happy, healthy marriage, and a smile on Ben’s face every day, for the rest of their lives.

After her conversation with Grant, Leslie paced around the living room, and not even the soft soothing waves hitting the shore could calm her, as she let her eyes shift to the beach over and over again. Finally, realizing she was too stressed and she needed a moment to calm down before Ben got back from work, she went into the master bathroom and filled the huge bathtub with warm water. There were a few candles on a shelf over the sink, so she lit them carefully and breathed in their delightful scent, letting it fill her senses.

She had never thought she would get a chance like this, but she wasn’t sure she could deal with the consequences just now. Leslie knew she had to find the perfect way to tell Ben about it, and she couldn’t do it as calmly as she needed to if she didn’t stop worrying and freaking out first.

She removed her clothes once the tub was filled, and then sank into the water, instantly breathing in relief. She leaned her head back against the edge of the tub and closed her eyes. Leslie’s mind immediately took her to the same places it always took her when she was alone and trying to relax - Ben. It was always Ben, smiling at her, his whole face lighting up, and his fingers slowly tracing the contours of Leslie’s face, as if he had never found anything as precious before. Thinking about Ben’s love for her comforted her – it was the kind of love that had survived years of heartbreak and separation. Leslie had to trust that it would survive anything life threw at them.

She must have been too focused on her own thoughts, because she didn’t hear the front door opening or Ben’s voice calling for her, carrying throughout the house. She only noticed he had come back when she saw him leaning against the doorframe, smiling tenderly at her.

“Hey you,” Ben said, and he looked so at home in his own skin, so much more confident, that Leslie couldn’t stop the rush of pride that washed over her.

“Hi,” Leslie replied, letting a lazy smile slip onto her lips. “How was work?”

“It was good,” Ben said, still not moving from the doorway. “Steph says we can take the girls out again, but I told her we’ll probably have to leave it for the next time you visit. Is that okay?”

“Of course it is,” Leslie nodded immediately, not wanting to think about her imminent departure. “You know I loved spending time with them.” 

Ben just smiled, eyes fixed on Leslie, and Leslie bit her lip before extending a wet hand towards him. “Come here and give me a kiss?”

“What a hardship,” Ben teased, rolling his eyes, but obeyed, moving closer until his fingers were closing around Leslie’s. He sat on the edge of the tub and ran his free hand through Leslie’s damp hair. “I still have to put the groceries away.”

“That can wait,” Leslie said, moving to sit straighter. She placed her hand on the back of Ben’s neck and brought him down for a quick but heated kiss. “I missed you.”

“Missed you too,” Ben answered, and Leslie couldn’t deny those words sent a shiver down her spine. She usually felt silly missing Ben when they had seen each other just a few hours ago, but knowing Ben missed her too, even when he was away at work for a little while, comforted her somehow.

She kissed him again, just a little deeper, and Ben hummed happily into the kiss.

“What were you up to while I was gone?” Ben asked as he moved his lips to Leslie’s cheekbone, then her jaw.

Leslie groaned. “Not much. I read a little, and then... oh, okay,” her eyes rolled to the back of her head for a brief moment. She cleared her throat and tried to focus, but she had no idea how to deal with Ben’s kisses and bring up Grant’s call, so she stayed silent instead.

Ben pulled away abruptly, leaving Leslie tingling everywhere. “I’m going to go put the groceries away. I bought ice cream and it’ll melt all over the kitchen counter.”

“No,” Leslie whined, closing her fingers on Ben’s shirt to keep him in place. “Fuck the ice cream, come here.”

“Fuck the ice cream? Who are you and what have you done with Leslie Knope?” Ben said playfully, but didn’t move another inch.

Instead of replying, Leslie closed the distance between them once more, kissing Ben open-mouthed and a little desperately. She poured all of her doubts and worries and fears into kissing him, and soon had Ben moaning against her lips.

“Leslie...”

“Closer,” Leslie managed to say, pulling at Ben’s shirt. “Shoes off, come on.”

Ben toed his shoes off, but that’s all he managed to do before Leslie was pulling him fully clothed into the tub with him, splashing water everywhere and falling against her naked body with a gasp of surprise.

“Leslie! What are you doing?” He asked, half shocked, half amused.

“Need you,” Leslie murmured, and there was a lump forming in her throat. God, she didn’t want to go. She never wanted to go back to Pawnee, especially not now that she was out of excuses to go home. “Want you.”

“Shit,” Ben whispered, wide eyes blown with lust and desire. His hand immediately travelled down Leslie’s naked body, finding her clit under the water.

“Yes...” Leslie moaned openly, clutching at Ben’s shoulders over his wet shirt. “That. More of that, _please_.”

Ben fingered her just as Leslie asked him to, never looking away from her face. “You’re absolutely stunning like this. So desperate, so hungry...”

Leslie’s hands fumbled with Ben’s pants, removing the ruined belt clumsily until she could pull the zipper down and pop the button open. Her fingers dipped into his boxers and closed around his hard cock, jerking him in time with Ben’s own movements.

Ben started babbling, consumed by the pleasure already coursing through him and all around them. Leslie wouldn’t have been surprised if the lights of the bathroom started flickering - they were electric together, voltage going up with every stroke, every caress, every kiss.

As their moans grew louder and echoed against the tile walls, they became more eager and impatient, chasing the release that seemed to be there for them to reach. They could feel it in every inch of their bodies, sending shivers down their spines, pooling heat in their bellies, making even their toes and fingertips ache in their need to hold onto the pleasure that was so pure, so unique, so theirs. It didn’t take them long to come, panting into each other’s mouths, names breathlessly rolling off their tongues, and Ben collapsed on top of her, boneless, causing even more water to spill over the edge of the tub.

Ben laughed as he pressed his forehead against Leslie’s. “I think this is the most spontaneous, craziest sex we’ve ever had? I’d say messiest, but I still remember that time with the chocolate sauce - ”

Leslie laughed then too, feeling totally spent. “Mm, oh yes. That time was deliciously messy.”

Ben nuzzled their noses together, but then he laughed again. She _loved_ the sound of his laugh, something she had missed these last few years, something she never wanted to stop hearing now that he was hers again. “I can’t believe you pulled me into the tub fully clothed. Leslie Knope, ruining good clothes for a quickie?”

Leslie rolled her eyes halfheartedly. She was way busier rubbing her hand up and down Ben’s back under his wet shirt, and counting the specks of gold reflecting from the light in his eyes. “Maybe I love you more than I love anything else.”

Ben’s smile was so bright that it almost made Leslie’s heart stop beating in her chest, overwhelmed by the sight. “Maybe I love you too.”

Maybe they could actually have it all, Leslie thought, but decided against saying anything now, and simply enjoyed being crazy in love with this equally crazy man.

Ben loved the beach. He could lie outside in the sun all day, like a lizard soaking up the heat. Leslie joined him almost every afternoon, not only because the weather was delightful, but because she loved every second she spent with Ben, even if it meant getting a few unattractive freckles here and there.

Okay, so maybe Ben actually liked the freckles and spent a particularly long time kissing each and every new one every night. Maybe Leslie was kind of, possibly, sort of beginning to like the freckles too, for some reason.

During those afternoons, they didn’t talk much. They enjoyed the sound of the ocean and each other’s company, eventually humming a melody or drawing their names inside a heart in the sand, like they would have done all those years ago.

Leslie waited – she didn’t know exactly what she was waiting for, but she knew she was doing just that. She rehearsed in her head how to tell Ben about Grant’s call a million times, but whenever she was about to open her mouth to start the conversation, she chickened out.

What if she was scared of Ben’s reaction? What if she was scared that their future seemed so uncertain? She had the right to be scared when her entire life seemed to be resting on such a fine, delicate line, ready to tip over and shatter to pieces before she could catch it in her hands and protect it.

Leslie rehearsed and rehearsed her words over and over in her mind, but it never seemed to be the appropriate time. Whenever she felt the courage was growing inside of her and that she was ready, she looked at Ben and decided to kiss him instead.

After all, she didn’t know how many more of his kisses there would be in her future.

The night before Leslie had to fly back to Pawnee, she walked out of the master bedroom where she had been packing, and saw Ben sitting alone on one of the steps of the deck, with his back to Leslie, arms around his knees and facing a small bonfire he had started to keep the cold of the sea breeze away. Leslie watched him from the living room for a few long seconds, biting her lip, before making up her mind.

She walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses. She made her way outside, careful not to startle Ben, who seemed completely lost in thought. She stood next to him, and Ben looked up, a small smile stretching his lips, but not quite reaching his eyes.

Leslie gestured towards the step he was sitting on. “Mind if I join you? I come bearing gifts,” she said, showing him the bottle.

Ben shifted a little to make more room for her, without saying a word. Leslie didn’t like the silence that had fallen upon them - it felt like it was charged with the kind of negative energy that things were charged with before everything went wrong. What could Ben be thinking about?

Deciding to allow Ben a moment – and knowing she needed a moment to get her shit together as well – Leslie poured the wine and wordlessly handed one of the glasses to Ben. They were sitting very close together, sides touching, and she could feel the warmth of Ben’s body against hers, and the warmth from the fire in front of them.

They drank their wine quietly for a few minutes. Leslie’s eyes were fixed on the gentle sway of the ocean and the tranquility it inspired - she was definitely going to miss that when she was surrounded by beige and bleak Indiana again.

“Those look like a fish,” Ben said then, startling Leslie completely, who turned to him in confusion, sure she had missed something because what Ben had just said made absolutely no sense. Ben chuckled at her, obviously amused by the expression on Leslie’s face. “The stars. Those up there - ” he pointed up and made a vague shape with his finger, “ - look like a fish.”

“Oh,” Leslie nodded. “I see it now.”

“And that one there... that could be a tent,” Ben continued, tracing another shape with his finger in the air. “Or maybe I’m just glorifying a simple triangle.”

“I don’t think stars need any glorifying,” Leslie said, laughing softly and nudging Ben’s shoulder with hers. “It can be a tent if you want it to be a tent.”

“What else do you see?”

“Well...” Ben scanned the sky, thoughtfully. “If you join those with those over there... it looks like some kind of bug.”

“I see it. What about those there? They could be like a tree,” Leslie said, tilting her head to the side. But when she looked back at Ben for confirmation, he was watching her instead. Leslie blinked, as a slow smile started forming on her lips. “What? Is there something on my face? Or is it that they look nothing like a tree and you’re mocking me?”

“I love you,” Ben said instead, taking her completely by surprise, but effectively melting Leslie’s heart nonetheless.

She cupped Ben’s cheek with her free hand and ran her thumb over the slight stubble growing on his jaw. “I love you too. So much.”

Ben swallowed and his eyes shifted away from her for a moment, and Leslie could tell something was wrong. Her chest began aching – what if Ben was looking for a way to say that after these two weeks, he couldn’t do this anymore? What if he had realized this was not what he wanted? What if what Leslie had thought was Ben’s happiness was actually Ben realizing he needed something different in his life?

“What’s going on?” Leslie asked, and her voice trembled. God, she would do anything for Ben, even if that meant walking away so that he could be okay, but it didn’t mean that it wouldn’t shatter her into a million pieces.

“I...” Ben took a deep breath and then he finally looked up again, his eyes meeting Leslie’s petrified ones. “I’m ready.”

Leslie stared at him, completely bewildered and wide-eyed. “R-ready for what?” _Fuck, please don’t say you’re ready to move on with your life without me. Please, Ben, please..._

“I’m ready to be your husband,” Ben replied, and his voice shook even more than Leslie’s, who now realized Ben’s reticence to looking at her had to do more with actual nerves. His eyes were watery and it was clear he was on the verge of crying.

Leslie felt as if all the oxygen had been sucked out of the world. She couldn’t breathe, but she felt like she was floating, like an outer body experience. “Ben...” She only managed to say. “What does this mean?”

From the corner of her hooded eyes, she could see Ben still staring at her, his eyes bright, and then he took a deep breath and said, his voice quiet and so earnest, “It means that I still think about you, all the time. It means that I sit beside Steph and wait for her to say your name.” He paused and chanced a quick glance up at the sky and then back down, and then the rest came out in a rush. “It means that I dress to see you, because I want to make sure I look good for you, and I plan what I’m going to say and then I watch you, and I wonder what you’re thinking, and I wonder if you’re happy. I wondered who you were sleeping with all these years and I hated him, hated them on principle, because if I had you in my bed again, just one more time, I’d never let you leave in the morning. It means that I fell in love with you three years ago, when you hated me and I was so unsure of myself, and nothing about that has changed except for how it has, because I feel like I know you better now, understand you more even though I didn’t see you for three years and we have been doing this long distance thing, because I’ve watched you grow through all of this and I’ve grown myself. So much.” 

Leslie turned her head to look at him, and Ben smiled, both bitter and sweet, and held their eye contact with a fierce grimace. “It means that… well, I know this sounds ridiculous, but I am so far from done with you. I think I’ll always want to know more about you.”

Leslie stole a glance at Ben’s open, honest face while she listened, and she wanted to be writing it down because goddamn, you don’t get declarations like that often and she wanted to keep this one, forever, but she also... she was melting, is what it was. She was falling, all over again, if that was even possible, because after everything, after everything that had happened she had somehow let herself forget about this, about Ben’s absolute willingness to risk himself, to lay it all down on the line. For her. Always for her. 

Ben’s hand was warm and soft on Leslie’s knee but mostly what she felt was this incredible tug between them, like an invisible string between herself and Ben that quivers and shakes and pulls, always pulls, pulls them together again where they always belonged.

Ben kept looking at their hands, although he stopped the stroking and just clasped Leslie’s hands between both of his own. “Leslie, I... God. I’ve thought about this so much, I think about you so much. I want to be with you. I still... don’t you? I thought maybe – I just....” Leslie had never seen Ben quite this flustered. He must be really thrown for a loop to be this inarticulate.

She knew the feeling – she was reeling, but after everything they’ve been through, all the ways they’ve hurt each other, all she wanted was _him_. Not just today, but every day. 

Ben’s voice was so desperate, he looked so animated and a little bit broken – he looked like he was about to cry. “I just… _Leslie_. I don’t want just this two week vacation with you. I want to try. Can we try? I know it’s taken me a while, but I feel like I can finally be with you – officially, and not just this weird, unlabeled thing we’ve had the past few months. I can’t picture my life without you, Leslie. I never could. But now I can love you without hating myself for it, without feeling like that love defines me, without feeling like I don’t deserve to be loved back. I feel like a person again, and not just this… this _thing_ that’s full of regret and pain. I think I’m myself again, and I know I’m different from the man you fell in love with, but... but if you’ll have me - ”

“I’ll _always_ have you,” Leslie interrupted, unable to stop herself, as a few tears began making their way down her cheeks. “Ben, I will always love you, and every version of you. I loved that man who came to Pawnee to hack my budget to pieces, I love the man I found in Partridge three years later, I love the man who fills me with the kind of passion that makes me do all kinds of crazy things, like having Skype sex in my office and travelling to another state to spend even just a few hours with him, and I love every single man you have been in between them. I never stopped loving you, and I never will.”

“Leslie...” Ben whispered, sounding a little choked. He laughed softly and wiped his tears away quickly, before turning around and grabbing something from one of the chairs on the deck. “I... I think you should have this again.”

Leslie took the envelope, confused for a moment, until she extracted the papers it contained and found their divorce papers, still signed and ready to be handed in to her lawyer.

“I want to marry you again, for real, with the people we love there to see us promise forever to each other, with the wedding you’ve always dreamed of and deserve...” Ben said, smiling brightly.

But Leslie shook her head. “No.”

Ben’s smile faded just as quickly as it appeared. He looked pained at Leslie’s word. “No? I... I thought - ”

“I don’t want to divorce you,” Leslie said, grabbing Ben’s hand in hers and squeezing it. “I don’t ever want to deny you or reject you again. I’ll never divorce you, even if it’s just so we can have a new ceremony.”

Relief washed over Ben’s face, and he visibly relaxed. “But I thought you wanted to have a wedding.”

“Oh, we can definitely have some kind of ceremony or party,” Leslie said, kissing Ben’s knuckles, like she couldn’t stop herself from touching Ben in any way she could. “But Ben... I’m your wife, and I don’t want to spend even one second not being your wife.” Ben smiled brighter than any of the stars shining in the sky above them. “Is that okay with you?”

“It’s perfect,” Ben’s voice cracked with emotion, clearly moved. His tears were free flowing now, and she wiped them away, cupping his cheek in her hand and caressing it. “It’s perfect, Leslie.”

They moved forward at the same time, sealing their mouths in a kiss that meant everything, every single thing they had ever shared, holding each other with tenderness but so much passion and eagerness to take this step together. When they pulled away, Ben grabbed the divorce papers again, and looked at Leslie questioningly. Leslie shrugged, not really sure what Ben had in mind, but grinning when Ben threw them into the fire.

Together, they watched the papers burn.


	18. Chapter 18

Ben fell against the pillows and cuddled up to his wife. His _wife_.

It felt so good to finally think about Leslie as his wife without feeling guilty about it.

Leslie hummed, still trying to catch her breath but obviously satisfied beyond words and wrapped an arm around Ben's back, as Ben pressed a kiss to her naked chest, right where her heart was still beating wildly.

They had stayed outside watching the flames lapping at the papers and consuming them, until it seemed like the fire had started burning inside of them. Ben had taken Leslie's hand and guided her back inside, removing layer after layer of clothing until they were naked in bed together, holding each other like they never wanted to let go.

Making love felt like a completely different experience now, as if what they had talked about and decided that night had turned a whole new page in their story. It was sweet but intense, slow but desperate. Leslie had chased the little drops of sweat pooling on Ben's collarbone with her tongue; Ben had traced every contour of her body with his fingertips. They gave and took and shared until the love they felt for each other ignited flames.

They didn't say anything, simply held onto each other, while they waited for heavy breathing to subside. Ben found that perfect spot on Leslie's neck that she had always loved, and pressed his face against it, where the scent of Leslie's skin was sweeter, heavier, more intoxicating.

Leslie's head shifted on the pillow and her blue eyes fell on the clock on the nightstand, and she sighed. “Fuck. The alarm is going to go off in just a little over four hours.”

Ben felt a twinge of sadness – it didn't matter that he had finally taken a step forward, their relationship was still complicated, and long distance. He nuzzled against Leslie's neck and held her a little tighter. “I wish you didn't have to go. But maybe I can visit you in a few weeks?”

Leslie bit her lip and looked down at him, causing Ben to leave her nest of warmth and love. “Okay, I… I have something to tell you.”

Ben quirked an eyebrow and forced himself not to worry. He sat up a little and leaned over Leslie to watch her. “Okay… is something wrong?”

“No, not at all,” Leslie replied, and the way a smile bloomed on her face eased Ben instantly. “It's just that… I kind of have news. I've known for a few days, but I wasn't sure if telling you was a good idea, because I didn't want it to sound like I was pushing you.”

Ben frowned. “What kind of news?”

“I got offered a promotion. Regional Director at the Department of Interior for the Midwestern Region,” Leslie said, and her cheeks reddened, but she was obviously proud.

“Department of Interior - _Leslie_! That's amazing!” Ben exclaimed, practically tackling her into a hug. “Congratulations!”

Leslie grinned brightly. “Thank you. I'm very excited. That's not all, though. Um… it involves our living situation.”

“I guess we're really unusual spouses, huh?” Ben murmured sheepishly. “We need to solve that. I could move to Pawnee, if you - ”

“No,” Leslie cut him off immediately, pressing her fingertips against Ben's lips. “Listen to me, okay? Grant Larson called the other day and told me about this opening in a couple of weeks for a new Regional Director, and he told me it was perfect for me and mine for the taking if I wanted it… and he pushed for me to be the number one candidate because it's not in Pawnee.”

Ben frowned again, and worry began pooling in his stomach, despite his best effort to stop it. “Is it… is it outside the country?”

Leslie cupped his face in her hand, still smiling broadly. “No. It's here, Ben, in Partridge. Well, part of it would be in D.C. But my home base would be here, in Minnesota… with you. I think Grant got tired of seeing me moping around the office about our long distance arrangement, so - ”

“Wait,” Ben looked deep into Leslie's eyes, making sure he wasn't dreaming, that Leslie was actually talking about coming to Partridge… for good? “Does this mean what I think it means?”

“I assume you telling me you're ready to be my husband means you're ready for us to live in the same city? Hopefully in the same house?” Leslie bit her lip, and though it was clear she was joking, there was an edge of fear in her voice.

“Of course I am, but I - ” Ben was having trouble processing what was happening. It was too good to be true. “Leslie, your whole _life_ is in Pawnee. It’s your home. Are you sure you want to come to Partridge just for me? I can follow you wherever you want to go - ”

“What about being somewhere _we_ want to be, instead?” Leslie proposed softly. “I think that's what a marriage is supposed to be about, right? Making decisions together?”

“Yes, but - ”

Leslie interrupted again. “Ben… I love it here, in Partridge. I like how different it is from Pawnee. I like being in this small town, where you can find beautiful quiet places like this beach to get away from the madness and just... be. I love that we have family here, that we can spend time with our nieces. I have a great career opportunity, and the man I love already lives here.” Leslie shrugged, because it was just that simple. “Unless you have your heart set on living elsewhere, I think I'd like to come here and find a home to share with you.”

Ben was speechless. He had been worrying for months about how they would resolve their living situation. He had tried to focus on the present instead of the future, but it was always there, in the back of his mind, haunting him. He had had a great time visiting Leslie in Pawnee, but he was comfortable here in Partridge. He had always assumed he would be the one to relocate, because of Leslie's career. But now...

“Are you a hundred percent sure that's what you want?” Ben asked, because he needed her to be _sure_.

“Yes. I want this job, and I want to be somewhere we can both be comfortable,” Leslie replied quietly. “I’m still going to visit Pawnee too. I mean, it is a Midwestern state, after all. I’ll have to. And maybe in a few years we'll both decide we want something entirely different, and we'll deal with that when the time comes, but now… now Partridge is our home.”

Ben couldn't stop the laughter bubbling from deep within him, so he let it out as he launched himself at his wife to kiss her. Leslie squealed in surprise, but welcomed the kiss anyway, burying her fingers in Ben's messy hair to pull him even closer. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Leslie said with a happy sigh.

“Marry me,” Ben murmured into the kiss.

Leslie pulled away and chuckled. “Sweetheart, it's a little late for a proposal.”

“No, wait. I'm serious,” Ben said, cupping her face with one hand, as he placed the other over Leslie's heart. “I want a wedding. I want to say my vows, and dance with you, and have a ceremony we can both remember without regrets or shame or…” Ben shook his head. He still remembered their inebriated state when they were saying I do in a little Las Vegas chapel. “I want wedding pictures and a cake, and you. I want you, now and forever.”

“You already have me,” Leslie assured him softly, with a tender look on her face. Her eyes were filling with tears and she bit her lip to try to stop her watery smile, unsuccessfully. She nodded. “Okay. Okay, I want to marry you too.”

“Really?” Ben asked, grinning widely, as overflowing happiness filled him, like a balloon about to burst.

“Really,” Leslie answered, and Ben kissed her again.

It seemed like the perfect moment to rehearse for their wedding night.

On their way to the airport the next morning, Leslie was clutching the biggest cup of coffee Ben had managed to find in the first place they came across after leaving the house. She breathed in the scent of caffeine and sighed in content, while Ben drove through the morning traffic.

Maybe staying up most of the night hadn't been the wisest decision, but they hadn't been able to take their hands off of each other.

“Are you sure you want to get a cab back to Stephanie's? I could have driven to the airport myself and returned the rental car,” Leslie mumbled after a particularly long sip of coffee.

“Sweetheart, no offense, but I wouldn't trust you with a car right now,” Ben chuckled. “At least you can nap on the plane.”

“I don't understand how you're so awake right now,” Leslie protested. She sighed. “I guess just thinking about everything I have to do this week is making me tired.”

“I could come along, and help you...” Ben offered, but Leslie shook her head.

“You have more than enough to do here,” she said, as Ben changed lanes. “Let me know what Stephanie says once you talk to her.”

“I will. And you let me know when you hear back from the house's owner. I really hope he might rent the place for longer,” He loved that beach house. It felt like home already. They had talked long into the night, and agreed they would love to live there until they found their own place. 

Leslie let her head rest against her seat and turned to look at Ben with a grin. “I can't believe we're doing this.”

Ben drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, unable to contain his excitement. “I know. We're a little crazy, aren't we?”

“Mm, I'm crazy for you…” Leslie murmured and immediately scrunched her face. “God, that was so cheesy. I need more coffee.”

Ben laughed, but refrained from saying he was crazy for her too.

They arrived at the airport with enough time to spare, and Leslie checked in before they walked towards her gate. They stood to the side, and Ben wrapped an arm around Leslie's waist, pulling her closer. Leslie rested her forehead on his shoulder and they simply enjoyed the few minutes they still had to be together.

“I know I'm coming back very soon, but why is this so hard?” Leslie mumbled and Ben tightened his hold.

“I don't know. I'm going miss you,” he kissed her temple and let his lips stay pressed there for a little longer than necessary. “But when you come back next time, you will be here to stay.”

“Can't wait,” Leslie said, and then pulled away to kiss him. She rested her forehead against Ben's. She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. “I… I have something for you.”

“You do?” Ben asked, curiously. “What is it?”

Leslie pulled away and took something from her pocket. It only took Ben a second to realize what it was. “I bought it on a whim some time ago and I've kept it with me, but I wasn't sure when to tell you about it. I didn’t buy one for me, just for you, but we’ve never really been a traditional couple, have we? I was going to wait until our wedding, or vows renewal ceremony, but… I would love for you to wear it while I'm in Pawnee, like a reminder, or a promise that I'll get to be with you permanently very soon.”

Ben smiled and did his best not to cry, even though he was very close to. “Leslie…”

“So…” Leslie took another deep breath and then opened the little velvet box, revealing the beautiful ring with a stunning golden design around it. “Do you like it?”

“It’s gorgeous,” Ben muttered, touched.

“It’s yours,” Leslie said, grabbing it. She reached for Ben's left hand. “Oh, but read the inscription first!”

Ben chuckled, and accepted the ring, loving the weight and texture, impatient to place it on his finger. But when he read the inscription, his heart almost stopped. “I like you and I love you? Oh, Leslie...”

He launched himself into his wife's arms. He could feel the tears spilling down his face. He couldn't care less that they were in a crowded airport. He was in love with Leslie Knope and he never wanted to hide or silence that love again.

“It's perfect. You are perfect,” Ben said quietly as he pulled away, and Leslie grabbed his hand again and slid the ring onto his finger. She held his hand in hers and kissed the center of his palm on the hand where she expected to see this ring for many, many years to come.

A disembodied voice announced through the speakers that it was time for Leslie to board her plane, but they hugged each other for a couple more minutes.

“This should have been more romantic, shouldn't it?” Leslie asked, laughing and biting her lip shyly. “I didn't mean to ruin it. I'm sorry.”

“No. I don't need perfect fairy tale moments, Leslie,” Ben assured her softly. “I want a life with you, and that includes random romantic gestures in the middle of crowded airports.”

Leslie rolled her eyes and laughed, before giving him one last quick kiss. “I love you. I'll see you in a few days, okay?”

“Alright. Call me when you land. I love you too,” Ben replied, forcing himself to step out of his wife's arms.

Leslie waved at him before disappearing through the gate, and Ben looked down at the brand new shiny ring on his finger – this beautiful piece of metal that he had craved for so many years and was finally there to stay.

He smiled and turned on his heels to leave. He had a new life to start planning.

\-----------------------------------------------

“Looks like someone had a great time.”

Ben looked up from the salad he was mixing in a bowl and found Jake leaning with his hip against the counter and smiling at him knowingly.

Ben grinned back at him. “I definitely did.”

“Are you going to say anything about that ring on your finger? Because I've been dying for you to tell me what happened since you got back home,” he said, causing Ben to laugh.

“You noticed that, did you?” He murmured, glancing down at the ring lovingly.

“What, you staring at it every two minutes with a look of utter adoration on your face?” he teased. “Yes, I did.”

Ben rolled his eyes, but he was too happy and it wasn't very effective. “Well… I have news, but I would like to wait until Stephanie gets home to tell you. Would that be okay?”

“Of course,” he smiled gently and squeezed his arm. “I've waited all day. I guess I can wait twenty more minutes.”

Ben laughed again, and went back to the task at hand, and Jake began telling him what the girls had been up to while he was away with Leslie. Dinner was ready and they were setting the table when Stephanie got home, her arrival announced by the excited welcoming squeal from the twins, who had been watching a movie in the living room

Ben took the food to the table while Jake greeted her. They gathered at the table and sat down to enjoy some family time, and a good meal.

Stephanie swallowed and took a sip of water. “How are you? Did you take Leslie to the airport?”

“I did, yeah,” Ben said, and just the mention of his wife made the happiness bubble inside of him, impatient to come out in any way it could.

“You look too happy for someone who is not going to see his wife for a while. Or did she make you C-O-M-E so much that you're still a little dumb?”

“Stephanie!” Jake exclaimed severely, glancing at the kids.

“What! I spelled it, they can't spell yet!” She protested.

Ben cleared his throat, trying to get their attention before their bickering went further. “Uh, guys? I kind of have news.”

Both Stephanie and Jake turned to him; his sister seemed confused but interested, while Jake seemed on the verge of tackling him to the floor and force the information out of him if he didn't spill already.

“Leslie and I have decided that we are ready to really be together,” he announced, and then he raised his hand, showing his ring, before adding, “as husband and wife.”

“Aw!” Jake was out of his chair and hugging Ben in a second. “Ben, I'm so happy for you!”

Stephanie, surprisingly, reacted calmly, but there was a peaceful joy in her eyes, like she had been waiting for her brother to look this happy for a very long time. “That's amazing, Ben.”

“We want to have a wedding,” Ben continued, as his smile grew more and more. “Or a vows renewal ceremony, so I was hoping…”

Ben's words were interrupted by a loud sob, followed by a second one. The three adults looked at the twins, who were crying inconsolably.

“Hey, hey… girls, what's going on?” Stephanie asked, reaching for her daughters immediately.

“A-are you going to m-move really far like Aunt Leslie?” Violet asked, as her lower lip trembled.

“I-I don't want you to go away, Uncle Ben!” Lily whined, hiding her face behind her hands.

“Oh, girls…” Ben smiled at them softly. He extended his hand towards them. “Come here. Come on.”

Both girls climbed onto his lap, one on each leg, and Ben squeezed them tightly, placing a kiss to each of their heads. Violet rested her head against his shoulder but Lily looked at him expectantly.

“You won't stop seeing me,” he reassured them. “I won't be living here with you much longer, but I'll still be close by and we'll see each other all the time. Aunt Leslie and I want to get a house near the beach, and you guys can come visit every weekend, to swim and eat ice cream with us.”

“Wait, Leslie is moving here?” Stephanie asked, shocked, but there was an edge of relief in her voice, like she had been scared she would have to say goodbye to her brother.

“Yes. She’s going to be working for the Department of Interior and chose Partridge for a home base. She’ll have to spend some time in D.C. and some time in the other Midwestern states for work but Partridge will be a permanent home for us. We both like Partridge, and she really wanted me to stay close to my family. Our family.”

Stephanie smiled at him across the table. “That's so great, Ben!”

“Does that mean you'll take us to the amusement park again?” Lily asked shyly.

“Of course we will,” Ben answered, smiling at his nieces. “We'll take you anywhere you want. I'm sure your Mom and Dad will be glad to count on two new babysitters who are eager to spend time with you.”

“Oh, hallelujah! When is Leslie coming back?” Stephanie said, earning a shove of an elbow from Jake, while Violet and Lily squealed in excitement.

It had been a very long time since Ben had felt positive about whatever was about to come, but now, as he sat in his sister's dining room hugging his nieces and talking to his sister and brother-in-law about his and his wife's plans, he looked into his future and saw nothing but happiness.

\--------------------------------------------

Leslie's flight was awful – there were, not one, but three babies crying since they departed until they landed, and by the time Leslie caught a cab to her house, she was about ready to drop dead.

Leslie watched the city passing by the window, knowing her days in Pawnee now had an expiration date. She thought she would feel at least a little sadness when thinking about leaving behind the city where she had grown up, where she had learned, lived, laughed and cried. But there wasn't sadness – she was too excited about what was to come.

As soon as she arrived home, she dropped her luggage in the living room and went straight to her bedroom, taking off her clothes as she went. She was exhausted and had no idea how she had managed to stay awake for so long, but then she collapsed on her bed and groaned in appreciation, hugging her pillow closely. It was still early to go to sleep, but she didn't care – she let her exhaustion pull her under, and she drifted off immediately.

She woke up hours later, completely disoriented and reaching blindly for Ben, only to remember she was back in her house in Pawnee, and that her husband was still in Partridge. She sighed in disappointment and allowed himself a few more minutes in bed. It was way too early to start getting ready for work, barely past four in the morning. She rolled around hoping she would fall asleep again, but now that she had gotten some rest, her brain was active and running at full speed, thinking about everything she had to do in the next few days.

Thinking about her imminent move filled her with a sudden rush of energy, so she got out of bed, put the coffee pot on, and grabbed her suitcase from where she had left it in the living room. She opened it and started sorting her clothes – some she hadn't used but needed ironing; others went straight to the laundry pile. She was already sipping her first cup of coffee while putting the first batch of clothes into the washing machine.

Leslie Knope had never been so impulsive in her life before – dropping everything she knew and everything she had in just a matter of days to start all over to be with the man she had fallen in love.

She also had never felt so alive.

It was eight in the morning and she needed to leave for work soon, but there was something she really wanted to do first.

Leslie dialed her best friend's number.

Ann answered the call a few seconds later, and Leslie could hear the sounds of the hospital in the background. It felt comforting and familiar. “Leslie!”

“Ann! How are you?” She asked, sitting on the couch and smiling fondly.

“I'm good. What about you? You're calling awfully early,” Ann commented, with an edge of worry in her voice.

“Oh, everything's fine. I'm back in Pawnee, but my internal clock is a little messed up. I woke up at four in the morning,” Leslie explained. “The flight back was terrible, and I was tired.”

“Well, I'm glad you made it back okay. Do you have to go back to work today?” Ann asked, and Leslie could hear her closing the door to her office behind her, drowning out the sounds of the patients and beeps of the machines and other nurses and doctors working.

“Yeah, I'm leaving in a few,” Leslie replied, checking the clock again just in case she lost track of time. “I got promoted actually. I'm taking over for the Regional Director of the Department of Interior in a couple of weeks.”

“What? Leslie, that's amazing! Congratulations!” Ann exclaimed, and the warm pride in her voice was just as good as her hugs.

“Thank you. I'm _so_ excited, Ann. I honestly thought I would have to kill someone to get to that kind of position, but they just offered it to me…” Leslie said, unable to hide her happiness. She was proud of everything she had accomplished, and she would never be ashamed to show it. She had worked her ass off for everything she got.

“That's because you're damn good at what you do. You know I don’t exactly understand much about this government stuff, but I can recognize talent and passion, and you have plenty of both, Leslie.”

Leslie hummed, contented. “Thanks, Ann.”

“No problem. I'm sure you'll be great,” There was a pause in which they both seemed to be taking a sip of their coffees. If Leslie closed her eyes, she could imagine she was sitting at the other side of Ann's desk, sharing a morning coffee with her. “How's Ben?”

Leslie's smiled went wider, brighter, sappier. “He's perfect,” she sighed. “The past two weeks were absolutely wonderful.”

“I bet they were,” Ann said teasingly, and Leslie groaned, slapping a hand to her forehead. Ann laughed. “Oh, Leslie. I know everything.”

“Yes, yes, you know everything! Anyway, I was wondering if you have any plans in two weeks or so?”

Leslie was sure she could hear Ann frowning thoughtfully all the way from Eagleton. “Mm, no, I don't think so. Why?”

“I was hoping you and Chris could take a little trip to Partridge and watch me and Ben get married.”

There was a moment of silence, and then her best friend was screaming – and Leslie would swear she was crying as well. Leslie laughed and cried at her reaction, because happiness had never felt so real and so close, and she got to share it with the people she loved the most.

\--------------------------------------------

Leslie slipped into her house with barely enough time to spare to take her shoes off and walk to her bedroom to turn her laptop on before it was time for her Skype date with Ben. She was tired – there were plenty of reasons to be tired this week – but she was in a fantastic mood.

She was changing her shirt for something comfier when the call connected, and Ben's first words were: “Well, isn't that a wonderful greeting…”

Leslie pulled her shirt down her chest and narrowed her eyes at Ben playfully. “What is this? Objectifying a married woman? That's not acceptable, Ben.”

Ben laughed. His eyes were twinkling with joy. He rested his chin in his hand and stared at Leslie through the screen, eyes twinkling. “I can't be blamed. You truly are beautiful.”

Leslie pulled the computer to her lap and feigned pouting. “Stop it. You're just making me miss you more.”

“I miss you too. But… only a few more days!” Ben said, practically jumping for joy.

“I know. I can't wait,” Leslie replied softly, looking at him fondly. “I just had dinner with my mom and told her.”

“Oh, how did it go?” Ben asked with his full attention on Leslie.

“She’s really happy for us,” Leslie answered. “I told her I'm moving to Partridge, but then I told her I would be coming to Pawnee once a month or so for meetings and she recovered. I'll have the chance to see Oliver and Ann and Chris and spend time with them when I come for those meetings, so that's great. Grant is a saint. He really did get me the best position with all the perks imaginable.”

“Oh please, you deserve that promotion. This didn't fall into your lap, Leslie. You earned it with years of dedicated work.”

“Oh, I know,” Leslie said, causing Ben to laugh and nod in agreement. “But, you know… he knew that I had very specific needs. I have a husband in Partridge and a baby nephew that I would like to see grow up in Pawnee. And my best friend and her husband.”

“Well, I'm glad you found him all those years ago. And I'm glad he's still looking after you and trying to help you to get exactly where you need to get,” Ben murmured, and he held her gaze for what seemed like a lifetime.

Leslie shook herself out of it when the longing began to grow inside of her – she missed Ben, but she didn't want to be downcast. The distance would be gone in just a few more days. “So, I heard back from the house's owner.”

Ben sat up, vibrating with excitement. “What did he say?”

“He says he can rent the house to us for about two months, but that it's booked for someone else then, so we'll have to move out,” Leslie said, and before Ben's face could fall, she continued. “But, he says he has another property very similar to that one that will be available soon, and he would be willing to either rent it or sell it. We can go check it out whenever we want to.”

“Leslie, that's amazing! Is it at the beach too?” Ben asked, full of enthusiasm.

“Yes, not far from the one we stayed at. We could take the house for the next two months and then move to the other one once it's ready,” Leslie said, but she didn't admit she was already planning color palettes for the dining room. “What do you think?”

“Well, it's better than moving into a hotel room for the time being,” Ben replied thoughtfully. “It'll be a hassle to move twice in such short time, but we were so comfortable in that house.”

“Okay,” Leslie nodded. She wrote a reminder in her phone as she talked to Ben. “I'll give him a call tomorrow and tell him I'll be back in Minnesota in a few days and that we'll take a look at the other house maybe next week?” There was so much to be done but Leslie didn't mind being busy, as long as what was keeping them busy was planning their life together.

“I love you,” Ben interrupted.

Leslie looked back up at the screen, caught off guard. Her face softened as she watched Ben's expression. “I love you too.” They were silent and looked at each other, a look that conveyed so much about their future together. “So… have you asked Jake and Stephanie if they'll help with the wedding?”

“Stephanie said she'll make the cake,” Ben answered and his eyes glazed over for a moment. “God, her cakes are so good…”

Leslie arched an eyebrow. “Would you prefer to marry her cakes instead?”

Ben laughed. “Of course not, silly…” he murmured, and then went strangely quiet.

Leslie frowned in confusion and concern. “Hey. What is it?”

“Just…” Ben looked down at his keyboard instead of at the screen and Leslie wished they were closer so she could cup his face and make him meet her eyes. “Are you sure you're okay with having a homemade wedding? It all sounds so simple and unlike you, and I still remember the kind of weddings you planned when you were younger - ”

“Ben,” Leslie interrupted gently. “Look at me.” Ben did, although a little reluctantly. “I don't care if the wedding is simple. I don't care if it'll only be us and our family. I don't care if you walk down the aisle wearing your hideous ‘Low Cal Calzone Zone’ t-shirt…” Ben chuckled bashfully at that and Leslie smiled at him. “All I care about is that you're the one I get to do this with. Okay?”

Ben's smile was watery and his voice cracked when he spoke again. “Okay.”

Leslie was more than sure that she didn't need a fairy tale wedding in order to get her happily ever after. All she needed was Ben Wyatt.

\--------------------------------------------

Leslie Knope looked around her office. Most of her belongings were packed, and the space was almost ready for the next Deputy Director of the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department to take over. She had been training the person who would take her role now for a couple of days and was confident that her position would be in very good hands. Today was her very last day in Pawnee City Hall, the place where she had found her first job, the one that had launched her professionally, the one that given her a family, and the one that had chanced her a fateful meeting with Ben many years ago. If only she had known how far she would get when she had that interview with Ron all those years ago and told him where she pictured herself in the future.

She sat at her computer and checked her emails. She still had a few messages to send. Her goodbye party had taken place during lunch time, and she would be going back to her house with a large piece of chocolate cake that she planned to indulge in that night.

Her house was on the market and she would be notified when it was sold, and Ben had received all the things she had shipped to Partridge that morning. 

Everything was ready. She just needed to get on the plane and get back into her husband's arms. 

Her _husband._

Hell was the journey but it brought them heaven.


	19. Chapter 19

Taking a deep breath, Leslie opened her eyes and stared at her reflection. She scanned her outfit, her hair, her face, looking for anything that needed adjusting. Her hands went to the top buttons on her shirt, and undid the first two, then closed the second one again.

She was nervous.

A pair of hands settled on her shoulders from behind and her best friend’s gentle face appeared in the mirror next to her. Ann smiled at her. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, I am,” Leslie nodded. She took another deep breath. She had honestly lost count of how many of those she had needed since she had woken up this morning.

“You look a little terrified,” Ann said teasingly and Leslie rolled her eyes as she turned to face her.

“I am, a little. I just want today to be perfect,” Leslie muttered, biting her lip before chastising herself internally for that. She didn't need her lips to be cherry red and bruised right now.

Ann arched an eyebrow, feigning confusion. “I thought the only way a wedding could be perfect was if the venue was the most exclusive hotel in the city, or the wine was the most expensive, or the food was - ”

“I get it, I get it,” Leslie cut her off impatiently. “You were right. I was wrong. I was planning a wedding I could be excited about because I always knew deep down inside that the marriage that would come afterwards wasn't what I truly wanted. You're very clever, Ann.”

Ann's expression softened, smiling fondly. “The only thing I've ever wanted was for you to be happy, Leslie. You've never been a woman who settled for less than what she wanted. That's why I was concerned about you marrying Dave, because he was a nice guy, but he was never the love of your life.”

“I know,” Leslie admitted quietly, before a bright smile took over her face. “I can't believe I'm going to marry Ben.”

“Well, technically, you've been married to Ben for a while,” Ann snorted mockingly.

“Oh, hush, you beautiful mermaid. You know what I mean,” Leslie retorted. She instinctively reached for her ring, the one Ben had given her shortly after she had flown into Partridge for good, that hadn't been there for long but that she had gotten so used to wearing that she couldn't imagine feeling complete without it. But it wasn't there. Ann had insisted they exchange their rings in the ceremony, in spite of the fact that it wasn't actually a real wedding. But Ann had been adamant, and overrode her protests, because she couldn’t say no to her bridesmaid after all. 

Ann watched her for a minute, silently. She sighed and patted her best friend on the shoulder. “I'm going to go out and find my place. I love you, Leslie.”

Leslie's eyes filled with tears. Damn it, she couldn't have red eyes in the wedding pictures. “I love you too, Ann.”

Ann kissed her forehead and cleared her throat, clearly fighting tears of her own, before walking out of the room. Leslie turned back to the mirror to look at herself, knowing there wasn't anything she needed to fix, but still feeling like she had to do something. The sight of the two small duffel bags on top of the bed caught his eyes on the reflection – since their family was staying at the house, they had rented a nice room in a beautiful hotel for their wedding night. The honeymoon would need to wait, but neither of them really cared. There would be time for trips when they were properly settled in their new home. Leslie hadn't been back in Partridge for more than three days. There were still boxes to unpack, and she would start as Regional Director on Monday.

Life was a honeymoon no matter where you were, when you loved someone as much as Leslie loved Ben.

She glanced at the clock and took the millionth deep breath. Showtime.

Leslie stepped out of the master bedroom and walked down the hallways that she knew so well already. She had never felt more comfortable anywhere, but this house was their home now. They knew they would have to move to a new place eventually – and the house they would be moving to was just as perfect as this one – but Leslie wasn't sad about that. She would always have a home as long as Ben was with her.

She opened the French doors in the living room and went out onto the deck. She smiled as she looked at all their loved ones sitting in a semicircle in the white foldable chairs that they had borrowed from Stephanie. It was a very small audience, but they didn't need a big crowd.

Ann was already crying, sitting next to Chris, who was holding Oliver. Next to them, Marlene had her new flavor of the week's hand in hers, squeezing tightly and smiling so widely that Leslie was sure it had to be painful. Marlene had her lips pressed tightly together, and Leslie knew she was still fighting those tears. Stephanie and Jake were next to them, holding hands. The girls were kneeling on the chairs and looking back at the house, impatient to see their aunt and uncle coming out. 

A hastily constructed simple white gazebo, with the coast of Minnesota as a backdrop, stood at the front of the crowd. The wooden structure was constructed by Chris and Ron the day before, and Ann, Violet and Lily had decorated it with flowers. Maybe it might be carried away in the next strong breeze, but Leslie didn't care. It was beautiful, made with love by their family. That was all that mattered to her.

Leslie closed her eyes for a second to center herself, and when she opened them she noticed movement from the corner of her eyes. Ben had emerged from the kitchen and was gazing in awe just as she had, before he saw Leslie. They smiled at each other radiantly, and began to move, drawn toward each other, their feet sinking into the soft sand.

Leslie couldn't take her eyes off of him. Ben was absolutely gorgeous when he was wearing suits, but Leslie loved him like this even more – soft linen khaki pants, white cotton shirt with short sleeves, untied blue bowtie hanging from his neck. His hair was styled, but it still fell haphazardly around his temples, shifting slightly in the ocean breeze.

They only stopped walking when they had to meet at their homemade altar. They immediately gravitated towards each other, and Leslie pressed a hand against her chest, tears already threatening to fall down her cheeks, and she brushed the end of the bowtie around Ben’s neck with her finger, smiling.

“Something blue?” She asked playfully.

Ben laughed, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and nodded, his voice only a whisper. “You look beautiful.”

In any other time, place and circumstance, and with any other person, Leslie would have rolled her eyes and not believed a word. With Ben, though, it was different. She felt beautiful, in her white linen dress with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. The only splash of color came from the pretty orange flower she had pinned to her chest, and Ben grazed it with his fingertips, returning the gesture.

“Are you ready?” Leslie asked, and her voice shook a little.

“I've _been_ ready,” Ben replied bashfully. “You’re it, Leslie Knope.”

God, Leslie knew exactly how that felt.

“Leslie,” Ben started, because they had tossed a coin to see who would go first. “I remember when I saw you at City Hall in Pawnee all those years ago. I remember how wide your eyes went when I shook your hand,” Ben paused and grabbed her hand, and Leslie gave it to him easily, without regrets. “I remember how hard your heart was beating when I kissed you for the first time, and how you stopped breathing when I told you I loved you. I remember how easy it was back then, how we had no doubts of where we would go and what we would do in our future,” Once again, Ben paused, and he looked down for a moment, as if finding strength. “I remember how difficult life was without you, when we went our separate ways. I remember not knowing how to breathe or how to think when you weren't there, and I remember thinking I would never get to look into your beautiful eyes again.”

Leslie pressed a hand against her mouth to try to stop her sob, but she knew there was no use. She was going to be all blotchy and with red eyes in the pictures, after all.

Ben was also crying, but he managed to keep his voice in check. “I remember our wedding. It was rushed and stupid and so not us… but when you looked at me and said I do, I remembered what it was like to be alive,” Ben wiped a few tears that had started sliding down his cheeks and took a breath before continuing. “I have made more mistakes in a handful of years than an average person does in their whole lifetime. I told myself a million times that I had to forget about you… and I'm so immensely grateful that I didn't, because that would have been the worst of all of my mistakes. You, Leslie, are unforgettable. You're the kind of woman for whom wars are started, poems are written and songs are played. You're the strongest, most passionate woman I have ever met, and being your husband is the highest honor anyone could get.”

Leslie sobbed once again, but she wasn't the only one. Ann was blowing her nose loudly, and Chris was handing her a tissue, while Jake rubbed his wife's arms soothingly, trying to stop her tears.

“I promise I will never stop loving you. I promise I will do everything I can so you never have to be sad again, and to be there to hold you when it's inevitable. I promise to live each and every day of the rest of my life making sure you're the happiest you've ever been. And I promise to never hurt you again,” Ben's voice cracked at that last part, and his hold on Leslie's hand tightened. “I'll do everything I can to never hurt you again, Leslie.”

“I know,” Leslie whispered, cupping Ben's face in her free hand and resting their foreheads together. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe, because it wasn't easy when Ben was saying such beautiful things. “I know.”

“I love you,” Ben murmured, only for her to hear.

“I love you too,” Leslie replied, and then pulled away, needing to calm down so she could say her vows. She looked up at the afternoon sky and did her best to stop the tears.

Marlene stood for a moment and handed her daughter a tissue, giving them both a pat on the shoulder before she went back to her place. “You guys are doing great.”

That got a laugh from both of them, and Leslie blew her nose.

“Thank you, Marlene,” Ben chuckled.

Closing her eyes one last time, Leslie forced her emotions to remain as calm as possible. “Ben, I've been thinking about what I wanted to say today that I haven't told you a million times already, and it was difficult. But then I thought of that day, when we were arguing and you confessed that you had known all along that we were married…” Ben blushed and looked down for a minute, and didn't look up again until Leslie squeezed his hand. “You told me of this life you had pictured for us,” Leslie looked deeply into his eyes. “And I think that at some point, while we weren't together, I convinced myself that I didn't want, that I didn't _need_ any of those things. Those were our dreams, and I couldn't bear to see them come true with anyone that wasn't you. But as soon as you said that, I could see all those pictures in my head too, and though I didn't want to admit it yet, not even to myself, I knew then that I was still as madly in love with you as I was the day you came to Pawnee.”

Ben's smile was watery and emotional, and Leslie wanted to kiss him and never stop, but she had to finish this first. She needed to say this.

“I thought I was right where my life would take me. But then you came back and I knew something had been missing. Of all the things that I wanted for my future, there is one and only one thing that remains unchanged, and that's you. It doesn't matter how crazy life gets, or where it takes us… you will always be my constant, Ben. You will always be the love of my life, my soulmate, my husband…” She lifted Ben's hand and dropped a kiss to his still bare finger, impatient for putting the ring back on it. “And I will dedicate the rest of my life to seeing how our dreams come true, and how those pictures we had in our heads of the future we wanted together becomes our reality.”

“Leslie…” Ben muttered, as his whole face scrunched as he tried to stop himself from crying.

“Oh, for the love of God, just kiss before this turns into a tear fest!” Stephanie exclaimed, earning an elbow to the ribs from her husband.

Jake leaned closer to the girls. “Now, darlings. Go give them the rings.”

Violet and Lily jumped from their seats and hurried towards the altar. They each had a small velvet bag, and they gave it to Leslie and Ben, who kissed the top of their heads before sending them back to their mother.

They extracted the rings from the tiny bags. Ben grabbed Leslie's hand first and slid the ring onto her finger, sighing when it was in place, and then extended his hand for Leslie to do the same. The feeling of completeness washed over them both then, as the cool metal of the rings slowly warmed with the touch of their skin.

Leslie couldn't wait for another second. She wrapped her arms around Ben's neck and stepped closer, smiling at her husband expectantly, while Ben moved his hands to rest on her waist.

“You may now kiss your wife,” Ben whispered just before their lips touched.

They kissed passionately, with their toes digging into the sand, while their family and friends cat-called, whistled and clapped. Leslie didn't want to pull away, wanted to kiss Ben until she ran out of oxygen and then maybe kiss him some more.

The breeze picked up a little and the gazebo did a slight cracking sound. Ben ended their kiss and looked at it suspiciously. “I don't think that's going hold up much longer.”

“It held up long enough,” Leslie laughed, but grabbed Ben's hand and pulled him away just in case.

Ben watched her with bright, twinkling eyes. “Just the luxurious wedding you've always wanted, right?”

Leslie rested her forehead against Ben's temple and tilted her head to look at her family. Oliver was crying, probably scared from all the clapping and whistling; Violet was pulling on her mother's sundress and asking if they could eat already, and Ron was telling Chris that they needed to start the grill for the burgers.

“It's perfect,” Leslie replied, and kissed her husband's lips one more time before tugging on his hand so they could go join their family.

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Ben had never known how exhausting this could be. His hand was cramping and he really needed a bathroom break, but he didn't want to stop. The smile etched on his face wouldn't be coming off in a very long time. All these people were here to see him, to buy his book, to have him sign it.

He wasn't sure how any of this had happened.

Well, he knew how it started. Stephanie had found his final draft of his journal, the one he had printed to go over it, to edit, before he decided what to do with it. She had taken it home, before Ben noticed it was missing, then called him in the middle of the night, screaming that they needed to find a publisher. When Stephanie Wyatt was determined, she was pretty hard to stop.

Ben had been overwhelmed by his sister's support, and later by the interest the publishing companies seemed to express in his book. It was such a personal and intimate story that it felt like everyone was staring at him while he stood naked on a stage, but it had been therapeutic, cathartic even, to write it. He had asked Leslie a million times if she was okay with it being published – she was, after all, one of the main characters – even if Ben had changed all the names and altered some situations so it wouldn't be completely autobiographical.

“Of course!” Leslie had said, cradling his face in her hands and kissing the tip of his nose in admiration. “I'm so proud of you for writing it and you know how talented you are. I love that book and I don't think it should sit there on your desk for only us to read.”

So Ben had given Stephanie permission to distribute it, and within a few months, Ben had signed with a publisher, edited a final draft and considered options for the cover. It was surreal, but Ben had never felt so fulfilled. Finally, he knew what he was meant to do.

He smiled at the next person in line, an older lady that immediately told him how much he reminded her of her grandson. She handed him her copy of the book and Ben thanked her as he opened it in the title page.

_The Blooming Wallflower_

_Ben Wyatt_

He signed it with a flourish, and talked to her for another moment or two, then rescued the pen from rolling off the desk. He looked up to find a cup of coffee in front of him.

“I…” He said, confused, and then found his wife standing there with their five year old nieces. “Leslie!”

“We thought you might need a caffeine kick,” Leslie said with a bright smile. “The line is still quite long.”

“This is the best surprise,” Ben murmured with a warm smile, as Violet and Lily lunged for their uncle. They ran around the desk until he pulled them onto his lap. “Hi, girls.”

“Hi, Uncle Ben,” they said happily in unison, with eyes fixed on him, as Ben took a sip of his coffee. Leslie grinned at him, knowing just how much he loved unexpected visits from any member of his family, but especially the girls. This was a big day for him, and Leslie wanted to make it as special as she could. She always did.

Ben really, really loved his wife.

“Can we go look at books?” Violet asked pleadingly, tugging on Ben's sleeve. “Please, Uncle Ben?”

“Uncle Ben is working now, Vi. But how about we come back this weekend and we pick the best book for you girls then? Would you like that?” Ben offered instead, kissing the top of her head and taking in the scent of her dark, straight hair, repeating the same sentiment with Lily.

“Okay!” They both exclaimed, excited, kicking their feet a little, with their favorite sneakers on.

“We don't want to interrupt. We just thought you might need a cup of coffee,” Leslie said, looking over her shoulder at the long line of readers waiting to meet Ben. “Come on, ladies. We have to go to the grocery store so we can get all the ingredients for Uncle Ben's favorite meal!”

“Yay!” They practically shouted, placing a quick kiss on each of Ben's cheek before climbing off his lap to get back to their aunt. “Can we get ice cream too?”

“Sure,” Leslie agreed, and one day Ben would joke about how the girls had him wrapped around their little fingers, but he knew Leslie could say the exact same thing about herself. Leslie leaned over the desk and gave Ben a quick kiss on the lips. “See you tonight, New York Times Bestselling Author,” she added with a wink, and then guided their nieces out of the book store.

Ben watched them go before turning to the next person in line, who was telling him how much she had loved the ending.

Ben glanced once again at where Leslie and the girls had just disappeared and smiled, overwhelmed by how complete he felt. “Well,” he said to the girl as he signed her book. “I've always _loved_ happy endings.”


End file.
